Dawn To Dust?

Tabula Rasa

By Lori Bush

Disclaimer: The Buffy gang is property of Joss. 'Nuff said.

Rating: PG

Pairing: B/X and A/X. I can't ignore the guy's very real feelings…

Spoilers: "The Gift," in a major, if you don't wanna know, please don't read this, way. I already spoiled it for one person who was trying to stay pure (I'm really sorry, really), and I don't want to blow it for anyone else.

Summary: Sixth season ideas and stories are like belly buttons. Pretty much everybody's got one. Here's mine.

Author's Notes: Feedback is the drug of choice. My buddy Duncan thought I should deal with Spike some, and Dawn, and here I did so.

Dedicated to the harem, like usual. Sorry again, Zauriel. But you forgive me, so life is good. *g*

~**~

~2~

~**~

Dawn To Dust?

~**~

I just found myself thinking about the first time Buffy Now saw Spike. It was actually pretty funny.

I've never told anyone, but I kind of like Spike now. I'd sure as hell never let him know – he'd find a way to twist it and use it to his own advantage. But he'd promised Buffy, before she died, that he'd watch over Dawn, and he really had been doing his undead best to care for her. And while Dawn was a bit cautious around him at first, she'd grown to really care for him, too. I think she was the only person who ever really saw William, not "Spike." Some of the things she told me about him I had to swear not to repeat, or she'd never tell me anything again. I know the Summers women, and how precious trust is to them, so I'm not going to chance it.

One of the things I'm not real proud of was the fact that I did a lot of drinking after Buffy did her portal dive. It was the only thing I could find that helped to numb the pain for a while, and at first, I really needed it. An tried not to care, to look the other way, but she finally let it slip how much it worried her, and I quit. I didn't want to be my Dad, and she made me realize I was heading down the first part of that path.

But anyway, while I was still bar crawling, I ran into Spike a few times. It was always late, after he'd made sure Dawn was asleep, and he was usually just getting started while I was already three sheets to the wind. Ah, but the Harris men can hold their liquor, so I put up a good front, even while the alcohol was doing its mind-numbing best. I could tell, the way one drunk can with another, that Spike was there for the same reason I was, and eventually, we talked about it. About her.

I have no doubt that Spike loved Buffy, in his manic-obsessive vampire-without-a-soul kind of way. It wasn't human, it wasn't healthy, but it was pretty clearly love. We spent about forty-five minutes one night just reliving "Buffy moments" – memories of things she'd said, or done. I found out he'd been taken with her from the first time he'd seen her, only then he was Evil Spike, chipless and bloodthirsty, and his obsession was killing her, not bedding her. But after the Initiative emasculated him (his choice of words, not mine), he started to see her in a new light. He wanted a strong woman, one that could stand up to him and be his equal. And I could tell it didn't hurt that he'd get the girl his Sire lost, although he never said that in so many words. For whatever the multitude of reasons was, Spike admitted that he fell for Buffy, hard.

I had to snicker when he said that. He growled, and wanted to know what was so damned funny, and I told him about me falling hard as well, what with the skateboard and the stair rail at the high school. He actually laughed at that story. Then I explained how hard I'd worked to win Buffy's heart, and how much I hated Angel because he'd done what I'd been trying to do, without any effort involved. Spike snarled and told me that was exactly how it'd been with him, Angelus and Dru. So, over way too much scotch, heartache and memories, Spike and I sort of male-bonded. And if you ever tell him I said that, I'll deny every word.

Anyway, Spike missed the Scooby meeting the first night Buffy was back. He'd already told Dawn he was going to be gone for a couple of days, but nobody knew where, so we couldn't let him know what had happened. He came by the Magic Box as soon as he got back though, to check on his "Little Bit."

He sailed in the door, blanket smoking. Anya slammed it behind him, as he stopped, dropped and rolled like a good little blazing vampire should. Giles, Willow and I had been working on an entrance from the sewers for him, but even though we had the blueprints, we hadn't had time to start digging, since I was in charge of that particular project, and I'd been doing a lot of patrolling with Buffy gone. Besides, I secretly think he enjoys making his dramatic daytime entrances.

Spike stood up and dusted himself off, and bellowed, "Where's my girl?" Dawn was in the back, in the training room with Buffy. She ran out, and threw herself into his arms, babbling a mile a minute about her sister's return, none of which Spike could understand, I'm sure. Then Buffy emerged.

I was there on my lunch break, and it's a good thing. When Buffy saw her sister hugging a vampire, well, like I said, she came back one hundred percent Slayer. It took both Giles and myself all our strength to hold her back, and if she'd had a stake at hand, I think we'd have been sweeping Spike off the floor soon after his arrival. Dawn stood in front of Spike, that petulant look on her face that she reserved for showdowns with Buffy. "Leave him alone, or else," she threatened.

Giles and I still had a hundred pounds of pure Slayer between us, straining at the bit. "Dawnie, he's a vampire."

"I know full well what he is. He's my friend, and he took care of me when you were gone. He never left me. You can't say the same." Dawn's eyes were snapping, and I think it was the first time I realized how much of Spike's devotion to her was returned. Buffy wilted in my grip.

Meanwhile, Spike was speechless, a memory I truly treasure. He just stood there jaw gaping. If we'd let Buffy go, she could have staked him before he even noticed, I believe. Finally, he choked out, "Slayer?"

As she had done frequently before and since, Buff turned to me. "Who's he?" she asked, fighting tears. I realized seeing her sister, whom she loved more than life itself, so obviously devoted to one of her sworn enemies, tore her apart. Once again, the irony of Buffy operating without the full set of Buffy Historical Files reared up and slapped me in the face.

I cut my eyes over, and saw Dawn had hold of Spike's hand and was whispering earnestly to him, filling him in on what he'd missed. I smiled in spite of myself, then turned back to Buffy. "Believe it or not, he's one of the good guys now, pretty much. He was in love with you before you died, although you weren't interested. But you also knew he cared for Dawn, and you let him help you protect her, since he was stronger than the rest of us." I looked over, and saw the Nibblet, as Spike called her, had gotten Bleach Boy to smile again. "I sort of think he's transferred his feelings for you to your sister." At her murderous expression, I backpedaled. "He's not obsessive or creepy or anything, he'd just do anything for her. He knows she's only fifteen." I hope. Spike's sense of the appropriate isn't always in working order.

"He'd better," she growled. "So what keeps him from using her, or any of us, as an all-you-can-eat buffet?"

"This military bunch, called the Initiative, put a chip in his head. He can't hurt humans, but he's a demon, so to speak, in a fight against demons." She looked at him warily, but I could see she accepted my defense of Spike. Again, I was overwhelmed by the change in the axis of the world's rotation – I was defending Spike, to Buffy. Soon, pigs would fly.

~**~

Oh, good. Speak of the devil, and he appears. Or think of him, anyway. Spike's here, and maybe things will get awkward and uncomfortable for him instead of me. I know I said I sort of liked him, but I'd rather see him as the one who has to squirm, given the choice.

"Slayer," Spike offers cautiously.

Buffy tenses and stands up, and both Anya and I immediately slightly relax. Willow gives me an odd look when I sigh quietly in relief, and I shrug in response.

Dawn comes in behind Blondie, and I see Buffy reign herself reluctantly in. "Hey, Spike," Li'l Sis greets him cheerfully. But I also don't miss the superior glace she gives Buffy, and it concerns me. I think Dawn's crush on me has been transferred to an even less appropriate target, and I think the more Big Sis objects, the more sibling rivalry will rear its ugly head. Buffy, meaning well, may push Dawn right into a bad 'Summers girl loves vampire inappropriately' relationship to rival her forgotten own. I needed to talk to her. And Spike – I need to talk to Spike, too.

When did I become Doctor Love? I mean, yeah, when An and I play that game, but…

I gotta stop saying stuff like that.

~**~

Anya was not happy when we got home tonight. I keep trying to tell her that Buffy just needs me right now because she trusts me, and that once she's comfortable again, she'll go back to semi-ignoring me, but An seems to think otherwise.

"She's obsessing over you, Xander. I should know, since you had the same effect on me when we first were together."

"Had?" I tried to lighten things with a joke. "You don't find me endlessly fascinating anymore?"

"I've grown more comfortable with our relationship, I believe. Although I still desire to have sex with you whenever possible, I find it easier to spend extended periods of time without thinking about it – I went two entire hours just the other day." When An is serious, she reverts to her precise diction and word selection, and she said the last bit so matter-of-factly, I had to really choke back my laughter. It had always been clear what Anya found the most appealing area in our relationship, and it wasn't my deft touch with macaroni and cheese mix. I have to admit, I have a whole new perspective on what girls can find objectionable about being seen as a sex object, sometimes. Not often, but sometimes. Usually, I just revel in it.

"If you're comfortable with our relationship, why are you so worried about how Buffy's acting? You know as well as I do, she'll be herself again soon. Buffy has never loved me, and she's still the same person she was before, only without all the emotional baggage she was carrying. It's just a natural reaction to her situation – she relies on me, which makes her think she's got a crush on me. Even if she doesn't get all her memories back, she'll get over it all when she feels more sure of herself."

"I disagree," Anya countered with a frown. "And you never talk about how you feel, either. You always say that Buffy could never love you, but I know you could love Buffy. You did. You do."

"An, you've known how I felt about Buffy since you met me, and that's never affected how I feel about you. Besides, I do love her, but I'm not in love with her anymore. She's simply one of my best friends – you're the woman I plan to marry." I took her hand, hoping she wouldn't ask me to set a wedding date after that declaration. For some reason, that had scared me from the moment I proposed to her – setting the actual date. Right now, with things awkward between us, and everyone still in an uproar over Buffy's return, I didn't think I could handle that added strain. Fortunately, An didn't pick up that ball and run with it, either.

She rests her hand on my face, and her eyes look earnestly into mine. For a moment, I see an Anya no one else seems to know – shy, insecure, almost little girlish. Usually she's brash and self-assured, relying on patterns she learned as a demon to help her through the places in human life that don't look familiar. She never seems bothered by everyday things, but I know how often she is. How she wanted so much to hold me before we faced Glory, not so much for the sex (although she did mention she'd thought it would help relieve some tension, and who was I to argue?), but to feel connected to me when she told me later, she was sure we were both going out there to die. I know how much it frightened her to go to the hospital for the first time, and how sad she really was when her confusion over Joyce's death led to her upsetting Willow and Tara. But demons don't deal with emotions like that, and so, she hides them when she can. People think she's mean, or unfeeling. I know better, and I'm proud of my demon-girl, for hanging in there. Sure, she has faults. She's selfish and a bit greedy. And I can be self-absorbed and childish at times, too – so what? The fact that she's got her flaws makes her as human as the rest of us.

For a moment, I'm struck by the realization that I'm knee-deep in irony once again. I had just told Anya it was natural that Buffy thought she was in love with me because she was relying on me to help her figure out her world as it now stood. Wasn't that exactly how An and I started out? I was An's buffer as she learned about the Real World. And now she really was in love with me, and I with her. Maybe she had a reason to be worried after all.

No, I won't do that. Won't think about Buffy in that way. I won't betray An – I do love her. I want to show her. I lean over to kiss her, knowing where it will lead, and happily heading that direction. But my lips no sooner meet hers than the door to our apartment bursts open, even though I thought I'd closed and locked it. I look over Anya's head into the frantic hazel eyes of the Slayer.

"Dawn's missing," Buffy wails.

~**~

Well, this Xander Report comes to you directly from the couch, where Anya's making me sleep tonight. It really was easier before she moved in here – before, when we fought, she'd just go back to her own place. Now she throws me out of the bedroom.

Buffy and I found Dawn, no problem. She was in the first place we looked – Spike's crypt. When we walked in, we almost ran into Spike, who was physically dragging her to the door to take her home. In spite of herself, Buffy was grateful to Fangless, since it was obvious he wasn't enabling Dawn, at least this time, in her rebellion. She grabbed her sister by the arm, eliciting a squeal and probably leaving a bruise, too. "Buff," I called to her, breaking the angry glares she and Dawn were exchanging, "can I have a minute with Spike, before we walk home?" I turned to him. "Do you have a back room? I really don't want them waiting outside at night." He shook his head, so I dragged him outside instead. "Wait here," I ordered the girls, unnecessarily. Dawn obviously wasn't planning on going home with Buffy unless I was there to protect her.

Spike lit a cigarette and looked at me expectantly. "She's got a crush on you," I began without preamble.

"You jealous? That was your claim ta fame for a while, wasn't it?"

I glared at him, and he raised one brow. "I've got a girlfriend, and she's of legal age and everything. I just don't want you to encourage Dawn – I may be older than she is, but you're older than she is and dead. Not a good combination."

He gave me a wicked grin. "But in a few years, I'm not going ta look older. And she will be of legal age then, and able to make her own bleedin' decisions." I was getting angrier, but then Spike's face grew serious. "I don't intend to be the stuff of a teenaged fantasy, whelp. I really do care about the little niblet, and I don't want t' see her hurt. This whole business with her sister comin' back and not rememberin' stuff has her more scared than you know. She's worried about Buffy, and afraid she's gonna go off again. She's back ta feelin' like she doesn't belong, like the created thing from the monks, instead of the real person and sister. Now that she's got memories Buffy hasn't, she's more sensitive ta the fact that none of them were real to start with. She and the Slayer got inta a big tear over me, and she ran out, an' came here. Ya' need ta talk to that girl of yours about takin' it easy on the little one."

"Buffy is not my girl," I responded automatically.

Spike grinned, and this time it was a friendly expression. "That's a subject for another time. Take 'em home, and talk ta both of 'em. They need t' cool down and take it easy a bit. I promise to keep me cold dead hands off the niblet. But when she graduates, all bets are off." He threw down the glowing butt and crushed it under his heel. I opened the crypt door, and motioned to Buffy and Dawn. I wasn't entirely comfortable with how the conversation with Spike had ended, but I knew where he stood as of now, and that was enough.

~**~

Dawn ran right up to her room and slammed the door when we got to the house. She hadn't said a word the whole way back, and I was pretty sure she was angry at all of us – even Spike. I grabbed Buffy's shoulders and sat her down forcefully on the sofa. "You wait here – I need to talk to Dawn first. But don't you dare go anywhere. Your turn is coming." She gave me the patented Buffy Death-Glare, but she nodded anyway. I ran up the stairs, slowing before I reached her door. My breath was coming hard, but I think it was more nerves than any exertion on the stairs. "Dawnie?" I called after my breathing slowed.

"Go 'way," I heard, her voice muffled.

"By now, you know me better than that." I managed to get a bit of a grin into my tone. She didn't answer, but I heard shuffling noises inside, and the door opened a little bit. I pushed in the rest of the way, and saw her shuffling back to her bed. She plopped down and retrieved the pillow she'd obviously been hugging before.

"Lecture me, get it over with and then go away," she told me sullenly.

"Dawnie, I love you." She looked at me suspiciously, but finally her expression softened, and she nodded. "Spike loves you, too – just not the way you wanna think." Her eyes grew a little sad, but she nodded again, more slowly. I began to pace, not sure how to go on and make my point. "Your Mom loved you. Did you ever doubt that?" Tears began to fill her eyes, and I almost kicked myself, but she finally shook her head. "You always knew your Mom loved you?" Dawn nodded again. "Did she always let you do what you wanted?"

"You know she didn't," she answered, a little angrily. I knew I was on thin ice here, with Dawn's hurt still so close to the surface, especially about Joyce, but I pressed on.

"She stopped you from doing things that weren't good for you, didn't she?"

Dawn jumped up and began waving her arms and yelling. "Yeah, but Golden Girl down there could do whatever she wanted. She was always Miss Perfect, and Mom turned a blind eye to anything she didn't want to see that Buffy did wrong. Buffy could date a vampire. Buffy could stay out all night. Buffy…" the anger got lost in the tears of frustration, and Dawn plopped back down on the bed and started sobbing. "Now Buffy's all not dead anymore, and she doesn't want me to live. And Mom is gone."

I sat down beside her, and folded her slim body into my arms. "Dawnie, your sister caused your Mom so much grief, but she didn't do it because she wanted to. When she fell in love with Angel, she didn't know he was a vampire. When she stayed out all night, she was saving your butt and mine from the nasties that this town is crawling with. She made mistakes, but we all do. Don't you remember when she ran away? How scared we all were?" The thought, "and when she died," hung unspoken between us. She was weeping all over my shirt, but I could feel the tension melting away, and finally she turned her blotchy face up to mine.

"I'm afraid she's gonna leave me again, and I want to leave first." God, did I ever understand that. I pulled her back to my chest and stroked her silky hair.

"She won't leave again, baby. She loves you so much. What happened last time ought to prove that." I kept stroking her hair, talking almost to myself. "She doesn't want you to make the kind of mistakes she made. They hurt her more than any demon or anything else ever could have. We all want to protect the people we love."

"Is that why you do this?" she asked me.

"Do what?" It seemed a total subject change.

"All of this." Dawn waved a hand around in a sweeping gesture. "Fight demons, work so hard, play big brother to me? To protect the ones you love?"

I nodded. "You, and Willow, and Anya, and…"

"Buffy."

"Well, of course, Buffy. She's a part of it, too." Dawn had pulled herself out of my embrace and gone to her dresser for a Kleenex. She turned and gave me a look older than her years.

"She's all of it." Before I could protest, she bowed her head and blew her nose loudly. "Go talk to her – I know you plan to." She pulled me up to my feet and shoved me out the door.

"I-I-I… Don't you *dare* do anything like that again, young lady!" I hollered impotently at the closed door. I'm pretty sure I heard a giggle in response.

Great. Now I was all flustered, and I still had to talk to Buffy.

~**~