Tabula Rasa (5/6)
By Lori Bush
Disclaimer: The Buffy gang is
property of Joss. 'Nuff said.
Rating: PG
Pairing: B/X and A/X. I can't
ignore the guy's very real feelings…
Spoilers: "The Gift," in a major,
if you don't wanna know, please don't read this, way. I already spoiled it for
one person who was trying to stay pure (I'm really sorry, really), and I don't
want to blow it for anyone else.
Summary: Sixth season ideas and
stories are like belly buttons. Pretty much everybody's got one. Here's mine.
Author's Notes: I'm not really
sure if they ever understood exactly what had happened in "The Wish," so I'm
making the assumption they didn't. Also, this might be the place to mention
that I've lifted several lines, intact, from songs by Nine Days, off the CD The
Maddening Crowd, particularly the song Bitter. They may not all be
in this part. Oh, and I also used a bit from the Wallflower's song Some
Flowers Bloom Dead, although I know that wasn't in this part.
Dedicated to the harem, like
usual. Love you guys.
~**~
~5~
~**~
Just Call Me Demon In The Morning
~**~
The look of fear on An's demon face was almost comical, it was so out of place there. "Xander?"
"Yeah," I answered cautiously, "And you aren't my fiancée, but rather her demon counterpart, Anyanka, right? Or else, I'm sleeping and you're simply one of my worst nightmares."
"I didn't think you'd be home tonight," she said, still sounding frightened.
I glanced around at the stuff spread out in our living room. There were various herbs and things of unknown origin, a candle, and a necklace I was pretty sure I'd seen somewhere before. "So I see," I responded, starting to get angry. "What's the matter, Giles wouldn't give you a raise, so you went back to your old job? 'Cos I'd like to think I make enough money to support us, if you wanted to go on unemployment for a while. I don't think this was necessary."
"I-I-I… you weren't supposed to know," she said in a small voice.
"How long has this been going on, An? Were you ever planning on telling me? Or was it all just a game – a joke you were playing with the heart of an 'evil male,' and I'd get the wedding surprise from Hell on our honeymoon? I'm really trying to find an upside to this, but right now, I'm coming up short." I was pretty mad by this point.
I saw a flicker of anger in Anyanka's eyes, and combined with that face of hers, it made my stomach twist. But I couldn't show my fear, and I held onto my stoic expression.
"When you didn't come home again tonight, I called on D'Hoffryn, and made a deal with him. I wanted my powers back so I could fix things between us. Lately, we've been falling apart, and I just wanted to go back to how things were when all you had to worry about was me, and our upcoming wedding."
"But before Buffy died, we had to deal with Glory and those knights, and…" No. It was too horrible to think about. But she could only mean… "You wanted Buffy dead again? Oh my God! Tell me you haven't done it yet!" I grabbed her by the shoulders, shaking her. "Tell me!" I was screaming like a girl. I didn't care.
An shook her head, tears running down her disfigured face. I still had a bruising grip on her shoulders. "I haven't." I relaxed a little, but didn't let go. "I wanted you to forget, like she never came back. You wouldn't have known."
I shoved her away, sickened by the fact I was touching her at all. "No. I could have just gone back to the joyful drunk-in-training act I was perfecting. Dawn could go back to being suicidal, and Giles could once more be thinking about returning to England to live out his old age in misery and depression. The world could once again be at the mercy of the vampires and demons that Buffy wouldn't be here to KILL!" Screaming again – the neighbors were gonna call the cops soon. Like the cops could do anything. An was sobbing now. "I was gonna talk to you tonight about our relationship – how I knew I wasn't treating you right, and maybe we needed some time apart so I could get my head back in the right place. But you aren't the girl I loved. I don't know you at all." I stormed past her into the bedroom and threw open the closet, pulling out a suitcase. "I don't want to know you, either. I've made stupid, selfish mistakes in the past, but never ones that would put the whole world and everyone I claimed to love at risk." I was throwing things into my case, not even looking at them as I did. I zipped it shut and looked her in the face for the first time since her confession. "You can keep the ring. Maybe it'll remind you what we could have had, if you'd been willing to deal with things fairly – like most humans have to. But now you're on your own." I was at the front door, when I turned around and pinned her down with a glare. "And if you try to go ahead with it, I'll find out, somehow. No matter what, I could never love you again the way I did – even if you take my every memory of this. Your precious D'Hoffryn shouldn't even be helping you – you aren't a woman scorned, but one who scorned everything that had made her human." I slammed the door, and made it all the way to my car before I began crying, and couldn't stop, until I thought I might throw up.
~**~
So here I sit in my car, staring at the light in the window of my apartment. My apartment – Anya's name isn't even on the lease. I just packed up and left my own home, with no plans to ever return. Well, I have to go back for the Babylon 5 plates and my CD's, and I'm pretty sure my favorite boxers are in the laundry basket, but still…
That's my apartment.
Where am I supposed to go now?
Normally, my first instinct would be to go to Buffy's, but the stupidity of that move would be too great even for me. Even though Dawn stayed there before, Willow and Tara's dorm room was only slightly larger than a good-sized walk-in closet, so that was out. My parents would probably give me precise directions to the nearest park bench I could sleep on, complete with obscene hand gestures and comments about the rock they found me beneath. Spike's place was a tomb, for God's sake. Giles had probably seen enough of all of us earlier tonight to last him a lifetime. Only one choice remained.
~**~
"Xander, it's three in the morning."
"Thanks, Angel. Along with my apartment and my fiancée, I've lost my ability to tell time." I glared at him without much heat in the expression. "Look, I have nowhere else to go. Can I come in?"
He stepped aside, smirking. "Didn't think an invitation was needed for a non-vampire."
"Maybe for a rude non-vamp." I trudged in the door. "Do you have a place I can sleep, or not?" I was exhausted – mentally, physically and emotionally. I think if he just propped me up in a quiet corner, I'd sleep there. "Don't you sleep during the daylight hours, anyway? If you don't mind me using your bed, I won't even make any smart jokes about it."
"Well, Cordelia's there right now." Okay, I was awake enough to raise an eyebrow at that. "And no, gutter-brain, I haven't been there with her. I use it during the day, she uses it at night. Saves on laundry. It was her idea. But that does mean the guest room's available. Although to pacify her, you'll probably have to wash the sheets yourself when you're through."
"Hell, I'll repaint it and put up bookshelves for you if I can just go lay down now." I meant it – I could barely put one foot in front of another. He led me down the hall, and I really don't remember much after I saw the bed.
~**~
I blinked a few times, my sleepy brain unable to process what the pattern on the fabric under my nose belonged to, and why I felt so hung over. "Good, you're awake." That wasn't Anya's voice, it was –
I rolled onto my back and sat up unsteadily. "Cordelia."
"Eww – morning breath. And you have bedspread wrinkles on your face. I wonder why Anya didn't throw you out sooner. You should see your hair."
Thanks, Cor. For a few brief moments, I'd forgotten how my life had fallen apart last night. I could tell my pain had danced across my face, and that she felt bad when she saw it. But being Cordy, she wasn't gonna back down, she'd just change the subject. "So, you must have been tired. It's almost noon."
I shot out of bed, digging through my bag for my comb. Noon? Hell, I was going to be in so much trouble at work. I'd already called in sick so many times, I wasn't going to be able to die and be allowed to take time off work for my own funeral. I'd been out when Joyce died, and the Glory thing, then Buffy's funeral, and with a couple of crises with Dawn, and…
"Xander, it's Saturday." I stared at her blankly. "You know, one of the two days every week you don't go to work?" I found my comb and was standing there holding it, still not quite with the program. Cordy waved her fingers in front of my face. "Hell – ooo. Anyone in there?"
Welcome to the suckfest that was my life. I'd lost one of my two best friends, as well as my girlfriend, and I didn't even have the distraction of work to keep my mind off of it for at least two more days. I folded to the floor, sitting Indian-style and staring at nothing. I just couldn't take any more for a while. "Ooo-kay, you're scaring me now, Harris. Are you okay? Uh, Angel? Angel!" Cordy ran out of the room to get her boss, I suppose, while I shut down again.
~**~
I have no idea how long I was off in la-la land. I came to hearing Giles' worried voice.
"…emotional overload."
I heard Angel rumble something about checking on me, and then my stomach sank. Buffy's voice. "I'll do it." I could pretend I was still out…
"Hi." He who hesitates is lost.
"Hi."
She came over and sat down on the edge of the bed – I'd guess from her face that she'd been crying. "You scared us all." She was fighting to smile, and losing the battle. "I'm sorry," she finally all but sobbed.
"Huh?"
"This is all my fault. You kept pushing me away, and I wouldn't let up. Now Anya's left you, and you're falling apart, and…" She blubbered off into incoherence.
"You haven't staked Angel yet." Where'd that come from? I must not be totally awake yet. She shook her head, the sniffles still in control for the moment. Finally, she found her voice again.
"Naw. For a vampire, he's not such a bad guy. Beats the hell out that Spike creature." I smiled at that, and this time she managed a weak grin in return. "We talked a long time last night – he told me a lot of stuff about who I was, and who you are and, well, a lot of stuff."
I was back on the bed in Angel's guest room – not that I'd ever left the room, anyway. The door was ajar, and there seemed to be several people outside discussing my condition. "This isn't your fault, you know," I told her. She'd apparently wandered off, mentally, around when I did a few minutes before. She was staring at me, but didn't actually focus until I spoke.
"But I…"
"Made every dream I ever had come true. Well, except for the one with the whipped cream and the feather…" She swatted me weakly and blushed.
"You seem to be doing better."
I shrugged. "Anyway, I always wanted you to want me. It just wasn't the right time."
"Too little, too late?" I'd seen that look on Buffy Before – after Angel went to hell, after he left for L.A., when Riley took off. It had never been due to me, though. My heart twisted.
"No." I took her hand. "Too much, if anything. I'll tell you the same thing I was planning to tell Anya, before she…" I hadn't explained to anyone what had happened, and that Anyanka was on the loose again. I wasn't in the mood for a long story with a frightening ending just now. I was still a bit woozy, too. Letting it drop, I went on. "I need a little time, to figure out who I am, and what I really want. I've made too many mistakes in my love life. I need to decide if I want you because I've always wanted you, or because I want you now." She looked confused, and I can't say I wasn't partially there with her. "I don't want to fall for you out of habit. You're a little different now, but what if…"
Cordelia should get some kind of bad timing award. She burst in the door without knocking, and the conversation was totally off track instantly. "Good God, Xander, you scared the crap out of me. Do you know you've been out for almost twenty hours?"
"What time is it?"
"Seven-thirty – 7:30 Saturday night. You were unconscious most of the day." Her tone became less strident. "You alright?" She nearly sounded worried. I was flattered.
"Oh, man. I only get two days off, and waste a whole one passed out. What a rip-off." The rest of the gang shuffled in – Angel, and Giles, of course, and Willow and Tara. I shouldn't have expected Anya, but my heart fell a little that she wasn't there. Of course, not that Anyanka would care about stressed out ex-boyfriends. In fact, she might have-
Okay, it's about time I panicked. "Has anything weird happened? Time changed, anyone disappear? Oh, shit, you wouldn't know, would you? She could have wiped out everything, but, then," I looked at Buffy, "You're still here."
"We hadn't really finished talking," she answered me, pouting a little. "But if you want me to leave…"
"No! I didn't mean that. I mean – Anyanka." Buffy still looked confused, but I heard Willow and Cordy gasp in unison.
"She's that mad?" Willow asked. I nodded and Wills moaned. I mean, none of us really remembered the alternate world that Anyanka had produced when Cordy was mad at me, but Anya had filled me in on all the details, and I had told Willow the whole background about our vampire selves, one of whom we'd actually met. Apparently somewhere along the line, Willow had shared the entire story with Cordelia.
Buffy kept looking around to see if she was the only one confused. Finally she waved her hand in the air, and said, "I'm afraid I can't seem to connect the dots. Anybody else not following?" Her hand still high, she looked around as Angel, Giles and Tara all slowly raised their hands as well.
Willow was surprised. "Giles, you remember the vamp me, don't you?"
"She was a bit - unforgettable."
"Well, we knew she was from an alternative world – what we really didn't know then was that Anyanka had been the one who created it, and exactly how." She and Cordy tag teamed the story, each telling what they felt was important, and most of it seemed accurate. I finished the tale by simply explaining that she was back and not entirely happy with me, right now.
"You know, this is the second time you've been her target, Xan. Maybe you should think twice about having any sort of relationship at all." I know Cor was trying to lighten the mood after my revelation, but I could see Buffy wince, and I may have done so myself. That was such a heart-warming thought – the world was safest if I was lonely.
I stood up from the bed, only a little shaky. "I need to go find her before anything happens – sort of throw myself to the lions, so to speak."
"I'll go with you." I looked over at the volunteer.
"Buffy, that is so not a good idea." I saw her bottom lip quiver, and she bit it to make it stop. I was not going to think it couldn't get any worse – it always could. This is the Hellmouth, after all.
"Are you sure you're up to it?" Dear Tara, always quiet, but always listening and caring. She was digging around in her purse. "Here." She handed me a small talisman on a chain. "It's a charm that gives the wearer strength of heart. I keep it around for exams. I get queasy without it. I don't test well." Pulling it back out of my hand, she fastened it around my neck. "You might want to keep it for a while," she said softly, catching my eye and looking over my shoulder at Buffy. The Slayer looked scared and lost, and I hated that I had anything to do with it.
"Tara, you're the best. Wills is so lucky you like girls." I squeezed her hand, and headed out to my car. Once again I was thinking that the butcher knife, if it were sharp enough, would be the way to go.
~**~
She wasn't at the apartment. The good news is, none of my stuff was broken, and there was no blood to be found anywhere. But all Anya's stuff was gone, as was the stuff's owner, whatever name and face she was currently traveling under. I tentatively touched the wall where the photo of her and me, the one we had done at the Real Photographer to put in the paper with the engagement announcement, was conspicuously missing. Did she take it for the memories, or the image to use for majikal purposes? I even wore a suit for that.
I wanted to hate her. Really. But all I could work up to was sad. She was wrong – I have no question. And I couldn't marry her after what she did, and almost did. But I wasn't completely faultless, at least in arousing the emotions that led to her need to do something. It was just the choice she made on what to do that was way beyond wrong. I wouldn't take any blame for that.
I went to the Magic Box next, although I was pretty certain she wouldn't be there. The 'closed' sign hung in the window, like it should at this time on a Saturday night. I let myself in with the key Giles had given me (we all have one), and wandered aimlessly, half thinking I'd see her there behind the counter, or dusting the artifacts, or emptying out a box. The security lights gave me dim visibility, and I stepped into the training room in the back, taking a couple of half-hearted swings at the punching bag before heading back out. I was almost certain I'd never see Anya in that place again, and it made me terribly melancholy.
I checked the Bronze, even though she didn't really care for the place. Lots of youthful hormones, and everyone seemed to be coupled up – dancing, drinking and making out. I caught a flash of curly blonde hair, but when I got a better look, I saw the girl was a kid – probably not much more than Dawn's age. I wasn't there long.
Finally I went to the cemetery. I didn't think she'd be there, either, but I knew Anya, although I wasn't sure how much of her was in Anyanka. Anya would be looking for me, by now, and might try here. If Anyanka wasn't looking for me, well, that might be a good thing. Anyway, Green Lawn was always one of my favorite cemeteries – a category of favorite I think normal people don't have. It was pretty - the place where Joyce was buried, and where I'd built a small memorial for Jesse, since his parents thought he'd run away, and there'd been no body for them to bury, anyway. It was where Buffy had been buried, too, which still kind of weirded me out when I stopped to think about it. And just through the woods, past my shrine for Jesse, was a small city park.
I wandered through the graves, recognizing more than a few for a variety of reasons, then I wound through the trees and over to the park. I folded myself down onto a swing, sticking my long legs out in front of me so my knees didn't end up around my ears. I was there, alert for vampires but my mind still wandering, when she found me.
"That swing taken?" she asked, almost shyly. I shook my head and she sat down. We sat in silence for a while, swaying gently. I'd looked for her all night, wanting to talk to her, but now that she was here, I wasn't sure what to say.
"I'm not coming back," she finally offered, out of the clear blue. "I'm sort of bound now to work for D'Hoffryn. I was going to do it in secret, but since you found out…" She fell silent again, and I was fighting back the bile that rose at how casually she'd mentioned me finding out she wanted Buffy to be dead again. I'd promised myself to hear her out – I just wasn't able to trust my mouth yet if I opened it.
"Don't flatter yourself, I'll survive." Oops – I never have been able to keep quiet when I'm upset.
"I really am sorry," she whispered, obviously hurt by my anger. "I didn't think about how many people would suffer if Buffy was still dead. I fell back into my old pattern of ignoring the consequences of the wishes I granted. I didn't mean to hurt you." Her voice was breaking, and I stopped swinging.
"An, I loved you so much. We probably could have worked it out, somehow. But something like that…"
"I know." That soft answer was my An – more human than demon, and feeling instead of just acting. I'm just glad I found her in time. Still, she wasn't my An anymore, and we both knew it. She was all demon, all the time.
"I made a deal with D'Hoffryn," she told me, her voice growing stronger again. "I explained to him that the whole vengeance demon thing was seriously eighteenth century, and things needed to change. He wanted me back so bad, he agreed to try it my way." She turned to face me, a small but confident smile forming on her face. "First off, the thing where I just worked with scorned women? Sexist! Now I'm gender-neutral." My anger had already faded some, and now I was sort of amused – a politically correct vengeance demon. Would wonders never cease? "Also, I've now seen that many couples have difficulties that aren't clearly any one person's fault." Her tone was sad again, but I ignored that and let her know I wanted to hear more about her new – arrangement. Perking up at my obvious interest, she continued. "So now, I'll listen to both sides and try to help the couple reconcile first. If that doesn't work out, I'll then attempt a fair breakup agreement. All else failing, I'll curse the one who doesn't cooperate." Her smile was ear-to-ear by this point.
"Sort of 'Can This Relationship Be Saved?' with teeth," I offered.
"Oh, yeah. And with D'Hoffryn's help, I've set up a web page with pictures of some of my more creative past curses to use as incentive. I never knew he'd kept an album…" she went on to herself. Smiling proudly, she turned to me again. "He's very pleased to have me back again, and admitted this could actually work. It's very twenty-first century."
"You've always been a style-setter, An." I stood up, stretching my legs. "I guess I'll see you around, then?" I suddenly wanted to get away – I knew she was going to be okay, and her going back to her demon state would apparently hurt no one, but I didn't want to lose it here. I was still a bit emotionally unstable about the whole thing. I figure I was probably only holding it together with the help of Tara's amulet.
"Unless you screw up with Buffy, you won't – see me, that is." She stood face to face with me.
"I – I'm not…" Smooth, Xan.
"Yeah, you are. You two are fated or something." She shrugged. "You could do worse." She hugged my waist, and I put my arms carefully around her shoulders. "I'm really going to miss the orgasms," she said muttered into my shirt. Stepping back, she seemed to withdraw into a shell so she wouldn't cry. "Make sure you water the philodendron," she lectured me. "And tell Giles to just keep my last check. I won't be needing it now." And just as suddenly as she'd appeared, she was gone, leaving me to pick up the pieces of my life and move on.
~**~