HI AGAIN! SORRY THIS PART'S TAKEN SO LONG, BUT I WAS IN LONDON AND PARIS FOR A FEW WEEKS WITHOUT ACCESS TO A COMPUTER, SO I COULDN'T WRITE. ANYWAY, HERE, AT LONG LAST, IS PART THREE! PLEASE LEAVE A REVIEW! THANKS!
"Sarah?" Chandler closed the door behind him as he entered the apartment. "Sarah? Hon, you home?"
"Yeah." He pushed open her bedroom door and peered around it.
"Hey."
"Hey."
"Can I come in?" he asked after a moment.
"Sure." He entered her room and sat on the bed beside her, gently moving Benbo so that he wouldn't sit on top of him. He smiled slightly. "Still sleep with this scruffy thing, huh?"
"Yeah," she said softly. "I should try washing him, but I'm afraid he'll fall apart." Chandler smiled.
"Yeah, that's probably dangerous." She nodded. He cleared his throat nervously. "You wanna go for a walk?" She looked up at him curiously.
"A walk?"
"Yeah. I thought... maybe we could go see your mom. If you want to. If not, we can just... I don't know, go to the park or something..."
"No, I'd like to see Mom. I mean, if you would."
He smiled. "Okay. Let's go. Grab your jacket."
"I spoke to Rachel today." Sarah looked up, anxious. They were on the sidewalk in the cemetery and she had been silently wondering what had made her father suggest going. They almost never went together, with the exceptions of Christmas and Monica's birthday, and sometimes Easter. She suspected that her dad went on her birthday, the date of Monica's death, but she had never asked, knowing that he wouldn't want her to spend part of her birthday in a graveyard. She remained silent. "She said... uh... you went to her place with your baby album."
"Yeah." They reached Monica's headstone and stood silently in front of it for a moment before Chandler sat down on the grass and patted the spot next to him. She sat down obediently. They sat in silence for a few moments before Chandler cleared his throat nervously.
"Sarah--"
"Dad, don't worry about it. I understand what happened. No big deal."
"Yeah, actually, it is a big deal. Not just... not just the baby thing, but all of it. First of all... well, we can start with the baby thing. Sarah, I'm sorry that you had to figure that out, and especially that you figured it out the way you did. After your mom died..." His voice faltered and he paused before continuing. "I was afraid of what would happen to you if I tried to take care of you. I was so messed up... I didn't want you to suffer because of me, and I thought that Ross and Rachel could take care of you better than I could. I spent that first year trying to get my life in order... well, as much as I could, anyway." He paused and looked thoughtfully into the distance. "You know, they offered to adopt you legally when they thought I wouldn't take you back."
Sarah looked up in surprised. "They what?"
"Yeah... when you were about six months old, they considered just adopting you and raising you on their own." Sarah remained silent, shocked. He shook his head. "I almost forgot about that."
"Why didn't you let them?" she asked quietly after a moment. Chandler turned to face her, surprised.
"Because you're my daughter and I love you. You belong with me. I lost one of the most important women in my life, I wasn't about to lose the other." Sarah was silent as she gazed at Monica's gravestone, allowing her father's words to roll around in her ears. After a moment, he spoke again, his voice gentle.
"Sarah, you didn't kill your mother." Her eyes filled with tears as she turned to face him, unable to come up with anything worthwhile to say. "Understand me?" She stared at him. "Sarah..."
"But I did," she said quietly as she looked at the ground. "If it weren't for me, she'd still be here now. She'd still be with you."
"Sarah, look at me." She looked up slowly. "Yes, I miss your mother. I still miss her so much it hurts. But... listen to me... if I were given the option... if someone said I could trade your life for hers, I wouldn't do it in a million years. You had absolutely no responsibility in her death... it was just one of those tragic things, and no one can be blamed for those." He gently pulled her toward him so that her head was leaning on his shoulder and his arm was around hers. "I don't ever want to hear you thinking that you were in any way responsible, okay?" He felt her nod against him and he sighed. "Good." He was silent for a moment as he gazed at the words on Mon's stone. "You know I actually yelled at her a week after we buried her?"
Sarah straightened and stared at him. "You what?"
He smiled ironically. "I came here to see her and I was still so messed up... I was a wreck, and while I was standing here I just started yelling at her... telling her I was mad at her for leaving me... for leaving us."
"You yelled?"
He chuckled slightly. "Yeah. Hollered. The people nearby thought I was nuts... but in a graveyard, no one disturbs you."
"Yeah, I noticed that."
He looked at her thoughtfully. "Do you come visit her a lot?"
She looked back at him warily. "Yeah. Well, a lot lately." He nodded and was silent for a moment before she spoke again. "I miss her too, ya know." He turned to face her. "Just because I never knew her doesn't mean I don't miss her."
Chandler nodded sadly. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart... I know I haven't been much good to you--"
"That's not true," she interrupted. "You've given me a safe and loving home, and I appreciate that." She paused before she continued in a low voice. "But I'd live in a dumpster if it meant I could have a father who would talk to me."
His eyes filled with tears as he looked at her. Her clear blue eyes looked so much like her mother's that he almost felt like he was seeing Monica again. "Sarah..."
"Dad, I love you and I understand how much you loved Mom and how you miss her. But I need you. You're all I've got in this world apart from the rest of the gang... but I need you more than them. You're my father. You're the only father I'm ever going to have, and I'm sorry that you got the responsibilities of a mother as well, but that doesn't change the fact that I need you. And I need you to talk to me about Mom sometimes. I just... it feels like she's disappearing, and..." She trailed off as she wiped the tears that were rolling down her face. "I know I'll never get to know her... but I deserve to know as much as I can."
He nodded sadly as he once again turned his attention to the tombstone. "Come on," he said after a moment, moving to get up.
"Where?"
"Just come. I think it's about time we did something." He held out his hand and pulled her up beside him, draping his arm around her shoulder.
"Where are we going?"
He smiled sadly. "You'll see."
Fifteen minutes later they were at a storage place near their apartment. Chandler took his keys out of his pocket and sorted through them until he had a simple silver one that matched the padlock on one of the storage garages. Sarah watched silently as he undid the lock and hauled open the door.
"Ready?" he asked.
"It might help if I knew what I was supposed to be ready FOR," she replied.
"Well, come inside and you'll figure it out." He entered the small garage-type space and sat in one of the chairs that had been propped up against the wall. He unfolded another one and placed it beside him, nodding for Sarah to sit down.
"Okay... still not seeing it," she said, staring around her at the dusty boxes. Chandler sighed.
"This is your mother's stuff," he explained quietly. Her eyes widened in surprise. "I... I couldn't handle having all of it in the apartment, but I couldn't bear the thought of getting rid of any of it. So I decided to just store it." He paused as he gazed around at the boxes.
"Do you ever look through them?" she asked softly. He shook his head.
"I tried a couple times, but I couldn't handle it. I just... I come and sit in here sometimes... sounds crazy, I know, it's just... I feel close to her somehow."
She nodded understandingly. "What's in them?"
"Why don't you look?"
She stared at him, surprised. "Now?"
He nodded. "I think you've waited long enough. More than long enough."
She stared at him for a moment longer before slowly rising from her chair. "You're going to stay with me, right?"
He nodded again. "Maybe it'll be easier with two of us."
She turned and tentatively opened the top of one of the boxes. "Books," she said softly. She pulled one of them out and stared at the cover, frowning. As she opened it, her breath caught in her throat. "Journals." She turned to face him. "She kept journals?"
He nodded. "I didn't even know she did until we were married. She wrote in them all the time... a lot when she was pregnant with you." Sarah ran her hands over the cover of the book softly. "She'd want you to read them," he said quietly, reading her mind. She looked at him again.
"Have you read them?"
He shook his head. "Again, I tried to once. But... I couldn't handle reading her words without her own voice behind them." Sarah nodded. She placed the first box on the floor and opened the one underneath it.
"Photographs," she said. She pulled out a white album and turned to face her father.
"Our wedding album," he said in a strangled voice before she spoke. She nodded, surprised when he held out his hand. She handed it to him and once again sat in the chair next to him. He pulled a small, rickety table in front of them and placed the album on it, opening it to the first page. Sarah heard his audible intake of breath as he saw the first picture and she stole a sideways glance at him. His eyes had filled with tears and he was staring at the photograph. He gently ran his finger over her face and smiled.
"She made such a beautiful bride."
Sarah smiled. "Yeah. And you don't look too shabby, either."
He grinned. "Yeah, well, your mother wouldn't settle for a less-than-perfect wedding." He chuckled. "Did we ever tell you how crazy your mother was about getting married and having kids?" She shook her head. "Oh, man... we used to say she had baby fever. And she had this... binder...looking...THING -- the 'wedding book' or something. She'd been working on it since she was a kid... she'd always dreamed of the perfect wedding." He laughed again. "I proposed to her three times, you know."
"Three?!" Sarah asked incredulously. "You didn't give up after the first 'no?'"
He grinned as he flipped through the album. "Nope. Well, the first time I proposed because she was mad at me."
Sarah frowned. "No offense, Dad, but that sounds... well, kinda ridiculous."
He smiled. "It was. The second time we were in Las Vegas... we were playing craps at Caesar's Palace, and we decided that if your mother rolled a hard eight, we'd get married there and then, in one of the Vegas chapels."
"I thought you said she was crazy about having the perfect wedding," she interjected. "She was willing to get married in a little Vegas wedding chapel?" He nodded. "Wow. She must have really loved you."
He smiled slightly. "Yeah, I guess she must have."
"What about the third time?"
"Oh, well, third time's a charm, right? I bought the ring, I planned it all out... and it got ruined by one of her ex-boyfriends. I thought I'd lost her, but she ended up... well, she tried to propose to me, but she was crying so I proposed to her." Sarah grinned. "We got married a year later."
"Wow. You're persistent. You know, most guys would give up after one let-down, let alone two."
He smiled. "Yeah, well, I could handle her turning me down, as long as I still got to be the one to love her." She smiled as he closed the wedding album. "Okay, what other kind of stuff we got in these boxes?"
Sarah reached into the third box and frowned. "What the hell is this?" she asked, pulling out a ragged lump of fabric.
Chandler started to laugh and she stared at him. "It's a sock bunny," he said in between laughter.
"A what?"
"A sock bunny. Phoebe made it and your mother gave it to me for Valentine's Day."
"She gave you an old sock with ears?"
He nodded. "It's okay... I gave her a mixed tape with an ex-girlfriend's voice on it."
Sarah frowned. "Were you mad at each other or something?"
He shook his head. "No, it just... worked out weird."
She nodded and pulled another object out of the box. "Is this the mixed tape?"
He shrugged. "I dunno. Probably. There's a little radio/cassette player in here somewhere..." He glanced around. "There," he said, pointing toward the corner.
Sarah grabbed it and popped the tape in, frowning when some unfamiliar lyrics filled the tiny room. "Who is this?" she asked, pausing when she noticed the pained look on her father's face and the tears that had filled his eyes.
"Eric Clapton," he said softly.
"Oh, yeah... I've heard of him." She waited for an explanation as to the song's significance.
"This... this was the song we danced to the night we got engaged," he said softly after a moment. "It's called 'Wonderful Tonight.'"
Sarah paused awkwardly. "Do you want me to stop it?"
He nodded after a moment. She stopped the tape and took it out of the player, surprised when he held out his hand. She placed the cassette in his outstretched palm and looked at him curiously. "Later I want to hear what else is on it," he explained. She nodded, turning and taking something else out of one of the boxes. She paused before turning to face her father and holding a small picture frame toward him. Chandler took it and sighed as he gazed at the two faces looking back up at him.
"That's your mother and Ross," he said quietly. "I think they were in elementary school here." He was silent as he gazed at the photo. "God, she looks like you did when you were young." Sarah remained silent as she gazed at her dad sadly. He looked up at her, his eyes brimming.
"God, I miss her so much," he whispered, his voice cracking. She felt her eyes fill with tears as she approached him and sat in his lap, ignoring the fact that she was almost too tall to do so.
"Me, too," she whispered, burying her face in her father's shoulder and crying along with him, realizing that she had been waiting to do so for as long as she could remember.
SORRY THIS PART WAS SHORT, BUT... WELL, FRANKLY, I DON'T REALLY HAVE AN EXCUSE... IT'S JUST SHORT. :-) THERE'S PROBABLY GOING TO BE ONE OR TWO MORE PARTS... I'M WORKING ON A FEW OTHER FICS AT THE MOMENT AS WELL, WHICH I'M HOPING TO POST SOON... SUMMER'S JUST CRAAAAZY. LOL... PLEASE LEAVE A REVIEW! THANKS.
"Sarah?" Chandler closed the door behind him as he entered the apartment. "Sarah? Hon, you home?"
"Yeah." He pushed open her bedroom door and peered around it.
"Hey."
"Hey."
"Can I come in?" he asked after a moment.
"Sure." He entered her room and sat on the bed beside her, gently moving Benbo so that he wouldn't sit on top of him. He smiled slightly. "Still sleep with this scruffy thing, huh?"
"Yeah," she said softly. "I should try washing him, but I'm afraid he'll fall apart." Chandler smiled.
"Yeah, that's probably dangerous." She nodded. He cleared his throat nervously. "You wanna go for a walk?" She looked up at him curiously.
"A walk?"
"Yeah. I thought... maybe we could go see your mom. If you want to. If not, we can just... I don't know, go to the park or something..."
"No, I'd like to see Mom. I mean, if you would."
He smiled. "Okay. Let's go. Grab your jacket."
"I spoke to Rachel today." Sarah looked up, anxious. They were on the sidewalk in the cemetery and she had been silently wondering what had made her father suggest going. They almost never went together, with the exceptions of Christmas and Monica's birthday, and sometimes Easter. She suspected that her dad went on her birthday, the date of Monica's death, but she had never asked, knowing that he wouldn't want her to spend part of her birthday in a graveyard. She remained silent. "She said... uh... you went to her place with your baby album."
"Yeah." They reached Monica's headstone and stood silently in front of it for a moment before Chandler sat down on the grass and patted the spot next to him. She sat down obediently. They sat in silence for a few moments before Chandler cleared his throat nervously.
"Sarah--"
"Dad, don't worry about it. I understand what happened. No big deal."
"Yeah, actually, it is a big deal. Not just... not just the baby thing, but all of it. First of all... well, we can start with the baby thing. Sarah, I'm sorry that you had to figure that out, and especially that you figured it out the way you did. After your mom died..." His voice faltered and he paused before continuing. "I was afraid of what would happen to you if I tried to take care of you. I was so messed up... I didn't want you to suffer because of me, and I thought that Ross and Rachel could take care of you better than I could. I spent that first year trying to get my life in order... well, as much as I could, anyway." He paused and looked thoughtfully into the distance. "You know, they offered to adopt you legally when they thought I wouldn't take you back."
Sarah looked up in surprised. "They what?"
"Yeah... when you were about six months old, they considered just adopting you and raising you on their own." Sarah remained silent, shocked. He shook his head. "I almost forgot about that."
"Why didn't you let them?" she asked quietly after a moment. Chandler turned to face her, surprised.
"Because you're my daughter and I love you. You belong with me. I lost one of the most important women in my life, I wasn't about to lose the other." Sarah was silent as she gazed at Monica's gravestone, allowing her father's words to roll around in her ears. After a moment, he spoke again, his voice gentle.
"Sarah, you didn't kill your mother." Her eyes filled with tears as she turned to face him, unable to come up with anything worthwhile to say. "Understand me?" She stared at him. "Sarah..."
"But I did," she said quietly as she looked at the ground. "If it weren't for me, she'd still be here now. She'd still be with you."
"Sarah, look at me." She looked up slowly. "Yes, I miss your mother. I still miss her so much it hurts. But... listen to me... if I were given the option... if someone said I could trade your life for hers, I wouldn't do it in a million years. You had absolutely no responsibility in her death... it was just one of those tragic things, and no one can be blamed for those." He gently pulled her toward him so that her head was leaning on his shoulder and his arm was around hers. "I don't ever want to hear you thinking that you were in any way responsible, okay?" He felt her nod against him and he sighed. "Good." He was silent for a moment as he gazed at the words on Mon's stone. "You know I actually yelled at her a week after we buried her?"
Sarah straightened and stared at him. "You what?"
He smiled ironically. "I came here to see her and I was still so messed up... I was a wreck, and while I was standing here I just started yelling at her... telling her I was mad at her for leaving me... for leaving us."
"You yelled?"
He chuckled slightly. "Yeah. Hollered. The people nearby thought I was nuts... but in a graveyard, no one disturbs you."
"Yeah, I noticed that."
He looked at her thoughtfully. "Do you come visit her a lot?"
She looked back at him warily. "Yeah. Well, a lot lately." He nodded and was silent for a moment before she spoke again. "I miss her too, ya know." He turned to face her. "Just because I never knew her doesn't mean I don't miss her."
Chandler nodded sadly. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart... I know I haven't been much good to you--"
"That's not true," she interrupted. "You've given me a safe and loving home, and I appreciate that." She paused before she continued in a low voice. "But I'd live in a dumpster if it meant I could have a father who would talk to me."
His eyes filled with tears as he looked at her. Her clear blue eyes looked so much like her mother's that he almost felt like he was seeing Monica again. "Sarah..."
"Dad, I love you and I understand how much you loved Mom and how you miss her. But I need you. You're all I've got in this world apart from the rest of the gang... but I need you more than them. You're my father. You're the only father I'm ever going to have, and I'm sorry that you got the responsibilities of a mother as well, but that doesn't change the fact that I need you. And I need you to talk to me about Mom sometimes. I just... it feels like she's disappearing, and..." She trailed off as she wiped the tears that were rolling down her face. "I know I'll never get to know her... but I deserve to know as much as I can."
He nodded sadly as he once again turned his attention to the tombstone. "Come on," he said after a moment, moving to get up.
"Where?"
"Just come. I think it's about time we did something." He held out his hand and pulled her up beside him, draping his arm around her shoulder.
"Where are we going?"
He smiled sadly. "You'll see."
Fifteen minutes later they were at a storage place near their apartment. Chandler took his keys out of his pocket and sorted through them until he had a simple silver one that matched the padlock on one of the storage garages. Sarah watched silently as he undid the lock and hauled open the door.
"Ready?" he asked.
"It might help if I knew what I was supposed to be ready FOR," she replied.
"Well, come inside and you'll figure it out." He entered the small garage-type space and sat in one of the chairs that had been propped up against the wall. He unfolded another one and placed it beside him, nodding for Sarah to sit down.
"Okay... still not seeing it," she said, staring around her at the dusty boxes. Chandler sighed.
"This is your mother's stuff," he explained quietly. Her eyes widened in surprise. "I... I couldn't handle having all of it in the apartment, but I couldn't bear the thought of getting rid of any of it. So I decided to just store it." He paused as he gazed around at the boxes.
"Do you ever look through them?" she asked softly. He shook his head.
"I tried a couple times, but I couldn't handle it. I just... I come and sit in here sometimes... sounds crazy, I know, it's just... I feel close to her somehow."
She nodded understandingly. "What's in them?"
"Why don't you look?"
She stared at him, surprised. "Now?"
He nodded. "I think you've waited long enough. More than long enough."
She stared at him for a moment longer before slowly rising from her chair. "You're going to stay with me, right?"
He nodded again. "Maybe it'll be easier with two of us."
She turned and tentatively opened the top of one of the boxes. "Books," she said softly. She pulled one of them out and stared at the cover, frowning. As she opened it, her breath caught in her throat. "Journals." She turned to face him. "She kept journals?"
He nodded. "I didn't even know she did until we were married. She wrote in them all the time... a lot when she was pregnant with you." Sarah ran her hands over the cover of the book softly. "She'd want you to read them," he said quietly, reading her mind. She looked at him again.
"Have you read them?"
He shook his head. "Again, I tried to once. But... I couldn't handle reading her words without her own voice behind them." Sarah nodded. She placed the first box on the floor and opened the one underneath it.
"Photographs," she said. She pulled out a white album and turned to face her father.
"Our wedding album," he said in a strangled voice before she spoke. She nodded, surprised when he held out his hand. She handed it to him and once again sat in the chair next to him. He pulled a small, rickety table in front of them and placed the album on it, opening it to the first page. Sarah heard his audible intake of breath as he saw the first picture and she stole a sideways glance at him. His eyes had filled with tears and he was staring at the photograph. He gently ran his finger over her face and smiled.
"She made such a beautiful bride."
Sarah smiled. "Yeah. And you don't look too shabby, either."
He grinned. "Yeah, well, your mother wouldn't settle for a less-than-perfect wedding." He chuckled. "Did we ever tell you how crazy your mother was about getting married and having kids?" She shook her head. "Oh, man... we used to say she had baby fever. And she had this... binder...looking...THING -- the 'wedding book' or something. She'd been working on it since she was a kid... she'd always dreamed of the perfect wedding." He laughed again. "I proposed to her three times, you know."
"Three?!" Sarah asked incredulously. "You didn't give up after the first 'no?'"
He grinned as he flipped through the album. "Nope. Well, the first time I proposed because she was mad at me."
Sarah frowned. "No offense, Dad, but that sounds... well, kinda ridiculous."
He smiled. "It was. The second time we were in Las Vegas... we were playing craps at Caesar's Palace, and we decided that if your mother rolled a hard eight, we'd get married there and then, in one of the Vegas chapels."
"I thought you said she was crazy about having the perfect wedding," she interjected. "She was willing to get married in a little Vegas wedding chapel?" He nodded. "Wow. She must have really loved you."
He smiled slightly. "Yeah, I guess she must have."
"What about the third time?"
"Oh, well, third time's a charm, right? I bought the ring, I planned it all out... and it got ruined by one of her ex-boyfriends. I thought I'd lost her, but she ended up... well, she tried to propose to me, but she was crying so I proposed to her." Sarah grinned. "We got married a year later."
"Wow. You're persistent. You know, most guys would give up after one let-down, let alone two."
He smiled. "Yeah, well, I could handle her turning me down, as long as I still got to be the one to love her." She smiled as he closed the wedding album. "Okay, what other kind of stuff we got in these boxes?"
Sarah reached into the third box and frowned. "What the hell is this?" she asked, pulling out a ragged lump of fabric.
Chandler started to laugh and she stared at him. "It's a sock bunny," he said in between laughter.
"A what?"
"A sock bunny. Phoebe made it and your mother gave it to me for Valentine's Day."
"She gave you an old sock with ears?"
He nodded. "It's okay... I gave her a mixed tape with an ex-girlfriend's voice on it."
Sarah frowned. "Were you mad at each other or something?"
He shook his head. "No, it just... worked out weird."
She nodded and pulled another object out of the box. "Is this the mixed tape?"
He shrugged. "I dunno. Probably. There's a little radio/cassette player in here somewhere..." He glanced around. "There," he said, pointing toward the corner.
Sarah grabbed it and popped the tape in, frowning when some unfamiliar lyrics filled the tiny room. "Who is this?" she asked, pausing when she noticed the pained look on her father's face and the tears that had filled his eyes.
"Eric Clapton," he said softly.
"Oh, yeah... I've heard of him." She waited for an explanation as to the song's significance.
"This... this was the song we danced to the night we got engaged," he said softly after a moment. "It's called 'Wonderful Tonight.'"
Sarah paused awkwardly. "Do you want me to stop it?"
He nodded after a moment. She stopped the tape and took it out of the player, surprised when he held out his hand. She placed the cassette in his outstretched palm and looked at him curiously. "Later I want to hear what else is on it," he explained. She nodded, turning and taking something else out of one of the boxes. She paused before turning to face her father and holding a small picture frame toward him. Chandler took it and sighed as he gazed at the two faces looking back up at him.
"That's your mother and Ross," he said quietly. "I think they were in elementary school here." He was silent as he gazed at the photo. "God, she looks like you did when you were young." Sarah remained silent as she gazed at her dad sadly. He looked up at her, his eyes brimming.
"God, I miss her so much," he whispered, his voice cracking. She felt her eyes fill with tears as she approached him and sat in his lap, ignoring the fact that she was almost too tall to do so.
"Me, too," she whispered, burying her face in her father's shoulder and crying along with him, realizing that she had been waiting to do so for as long as she could remember.
SORRY THIS PART WAS SHORT, BUT... WELL, FRANKLY, I DON'T REALLY HAVE AN EXCUSE... IT'S JUST SHORT. :-) THERE'S PROBABLY GOING TO BE ONE OR TWO MORE PARTS... I'M WORKING ON A FEW OTHER FICS AT THE MOMENT AS WELL, WHICH I'M HOPING TO POST SOON... SUMMER'S JUST CRAAAAZY. LOL... PLEASE LEAVE A REVIEW! THANKS.