The Cow is in My Mind - Ch3
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Zack anxiously walked in a circle, his hands shaking in worry.
"Now I did it! I went and lost the cow! Shit! How could this happen?!" He stopped abruptly, wondering exactly how that huge cow, who hardly fit through his doorway, could get out of his apartment by itself with the door shut… "Yeah, how the hell did that happen?" he asked, staring at the scuffs in the wood floor left by Barbara's hooves.
"Great. The cow just up and goes, leaving me to wax the floor! I swear that animal doesn't appreciate the things I do for her!" he huffed. Zack took one more look around the room, sighed and walked out of the apartment, hoping to find the runaway beef.
"Barbara Marie Yvonne Rebecca Pretty Pretty Dancing Terry Sue!!!"
...No answer. Zack frantically ran further down the hall.
"Barbara Marie Yvonne Rebecca Pretty Pretty Dancing Terry Sue!!!" he called again. Annoyed that he was greeted with silence once more, he stopped and put a hand on his hip. "For the love of everything good and carbohydrated, where is she?!" Zack sighed deeply, then continued down the hall. "BMYRPPDTS!"
"Uh...Zack?" Cloud walked up from behind and gently tapped his shoulder.
"Y-yes?!" He spun around, not aware of who it was.
"Whatcha doin'?"
"Oh, Cloud, thank God you're here! I lost Barbara Marie Yvonne Rebec-"
"You lost the cow?!" he screamed.
Zack's hands flew up as a warning. "Shhhh!"
"But you were screaming..." Cloud answered meekly.
"Whatever! Just help me find her!"
After recruiting Cloud to Zack's search and rescue mission, they headed off towards the cafeteria, hoping not to find the cow there. (Because if a cow wonders into an eating room filled with hundreds of soldiers who have had nothing to eat but gruel for two years, chances are the cow is going to be in the form of hamburgers when found.)
Cloud headed off towards one of the many full tables. "Have you seen a cow anywhere?"
"You callin' me a cow?" An older, gruff-looking man slowly stood up.
Cloud took a fearful step back. "I never said..."
"Hey, back off!" Zack pushed in front of Cloud so he could stare into the soldiers eyes. The man kept his gaze for a while, then grunted and sat down. Zack turned around towards his friend. "And Cloud...the cow is a s-e-c-r-e-t."
"Oh, yeah..."
"That means no one's supposed to know about it," Zack explained further.
Cloud nodded in understanding. "Okay."
"Ya just told our secret to a group of seven First Class SOLDIERs."
Cloud stared at him blankly.
"That is b-a-d."
"...Sorry."
Zack sent one more death glare at the soldier in the lunchroom before turning back to Cloud. "Alright, now continue looking for Barbie discreetly."
The two headed out of the cafeteria and made their way to the field, thinking that Barbie could be grazing. The first thing Zack caught sight of was General Sephiroth and his troops, training.
"Don't go anywhere near the general!" Zack yelled at Cloud, who was already halfway there.
He stopped suddenly and glanced back toward the general. "I thought I saw-"
"Okay, Cloud, if you're going to help me, ya gotta be a little bit smarter..."
"But-"
"Ya see, the whole reason I'm worried about finding Barbie is because if the general finds her first, I'm in deep shit."
"I know, but-"
"So whatever you do, DON'T ask the general if he's seen a cow! ....Okay...?"
"Zack-"
"Do you understand, Cloud?" he asked threateningly.
"....Yes."
"Good." Zack's eyes surveyed the area. "Why don't you check over there," he said, pointing to a patch of grass leading up a hill.
"....Alright," he sighed and headed off in that direction.
Zack started walking towards Sephiroth, hoping to strike up a friendly conversation, which would calm his nerves.
"Lose something?" the general called.
"Uh...what?" Zack's pace quickened until he was a few feet in front of him. He grinned nervously, hoping Sephiroth was talking about his missing sock, instead of Barbara Marie Yvonne Rebecca Pretty Pre-
"Did you lose something?" Sephiroth asked again. "You seem worried..."
"Er...no...no. Everything's all here..." He scratched the back of his head. "Why do you ask?"
"The strangest thing happened today..."
"Oh, r-really?"
"I found this cow-"
"You found Barbie?! Is she okay, is she hurt?!"
Sephiroth stared at Zack, who just realized his mistake.
"Dammit."
"So the cow is yours?" he asked, making it more of a statement than a question.
"I never said that!" Zack yelled, as a lame attempt to save himself.
"And you named it BMYRPPDTS." The general shook his head and sighed.
"Actually, her name is Barbara Marie Yvonne Rebecca Pretty Pretty Dancing Terry Sue. It wouldn't fit on the dog tag, though..."
Sephiroth wrinkled his brow. He really didn't care what its name was. "Why would you buy a farm animal?"
"Hey, that 'farm animal' makes good money!"
"I know, I made 15 gil already..." the general mumbled to himself.
Zack's eyes brightened. "So you'll let me keep 'er?"
"Not on your life."
"Aww, c'mon!" he whined, folding his hands. "It's my money source! If you take the cow away, I'll be poor! And then everyone will hate you, because you made a helpless little soldier, who risks his life everyday for his country, suffer!"
They stood in silence, Zack with a pitiful look on his face, and Sephiroth with one raised eyebrow.
"Tough luck."
"You're mean and unreasonable," he pouted.
The general walked closer, pointing a finger at him. "You're crazy, have no respect for authority, and just plain odd. What made you think you could bring livestock onto base camp?"
Zack shrugged. "It seemed like a good idea at the time..."
"But it doesn't now, does it?" he asked, standing inches away.
"Well...n-no," Zack choked. "But that's because you're looking at me all threatening-like!"
"I want the cow out of here before 6 p.m."
"Where am I supposed to send her?"
"I don't care." Sephiroth took a step backwards. "Sell it to a meat farm."
Zack gasped. "I couldn't do that! I've grown too attached!"
"......"
"How would you feel if the next steak you had you could call by name?!"
"......"
"Besides...I don't think cows are used for meat."
"Then sell it back to the farm." Sephiroth handed Zack a long rope. "I found it by that patch of grass." He pointed the place out for him and Zack slowly trudged in that direction. "Zack?"
He turned around.
"When you sell it, choose money over magic beans."
A large, white and black animal, stood grazing at the far end of the field. Zack jogged over to the cow and carefully wrapped the rope around her neck.
"Well, girl. Looks like this is goodbye," he said, leading the animal away from the pasture. He took another look at her, trying to freeze her face in his memory.
Wait.
....Didn't Barbie have brown spots?
Zack stopped walking and stared at the cow at the end of the leash. He hadn't noticed before, he was so caught up in getting to her. Crap, what happened, did it multiply?
"Nah, that's impossible..."
He stood there, dumbfounded. So...if this wasn't BMYRPPDTS, where was she?
And whose cow was this?
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