The Cow is in My Mind - Ch4
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When Zack realized the cow the general had seen was not Barbie, he had a brilliant idea: sell this cow back to the farm and keep Barbie to continue selling milk. He'd make twice as much money! So, he set off that same day (like he had a choice) with the black-spotted cow and headed for Poochucky Farms.
Upon arriving, Zack tied the cow to a fence and headed into the barn.
"Excuse me?" he said, causing the man in the room to turn around.
"Yeah? What can I do fer ya?"
"I'm here to sell back my cow." He sighed. "It...just didn't work out."
"Are you saying my cow is defective?" asked the farmer menacingly, flipping the scythe in his hand.
Zack back-stepped. "Er...no...no. The cow's just peachy."
"Oh, good." The man smiled warmly and set down his farm tool. " 'Cause if you had gotten a cow that was less than satisfactory, I would've paid you for your trouble."
"Actually, I did notice that she produces less milk on Saturdays," he said coolly, hoping the farmer was...well, stupid.
"Are you lying to me now, boy? Because the way I sees it, you should be paying me to use the animal for military purposes."
Zack let his head drop back in annoyance. "For the last time, old man, the cow was NOT used for military purposes!"
"Then what have you been using it for?" the farmer asked suspiciously.
"I sell the milk!"
"Oh, so you have a permit."
That caught Zack's attention. "What?"
"Well, ya can't just market your milk, ya gotta have it approved by the health authorities."
"So I've been selling milk illegally?"
"You have?!"
"I didn't know!" Zack defended, worried that the health authorities were going to hunt him down.
"I sold my baby to a common criminal?" The farmer stepped back in shock.
"I'm not a criminal, I'm a First Class SOLDIER!"
The man gasped. "You work for them Shinra bastards?"
Zack slapped his hands on the sides of his legs. "I told you I was in SOLDIER when I bought BMYRPPDTS!"
"Why are you speaking in code? Is this room bugged?"
Zack raised an eyebrow at the lunatic, seriously debating on just hijacking him and running off with the gil. "No," he replied flatly.
There was a long silence between the two, in which time Zack calmed down.
"Look, man." He sighed. "I just want my money back, that's all."
The farmer studied him carefully, scratching his chin. "Well...alright."
"Alright? Now it's 'alright'?"
"Did you bring 'er with you?"
"Yeah, she's outside." He decided not to press the issue further and just show the man the cow.
They walked outside together and Zack brought the livestock closer to the farmer.
"This ain't my cow," he said calmly.
"What? How can you tell?"
"All my cows are brown."
"How can ALL of your cows be brown?" he huffed angrily.
"I only gots two."
Zack dropped the leash, raising his arms to the sky. "What the hell am I supposed to do with this animal!?"
The farmer shook his head lazily. "Not my problem."
"Great." The SOLDIER slowly made his way back to his apartment for a good night's rest. "Now there are two cows running around and I've been a criminal for three days and didn't even know it." Zack sighed and jumped into bed, not bothering to take his uniform off. He tied the 'new' cow to a tree far away from the base and hoped that it would still be there in the morning. Tomorrow he would have to look for Barbie and, as much as he hated to do it, sell her back to the farm.
He sighed again, wondering how he was going to find the cow, when he looked practically everywhere today. He'd have to ask Cloud to help him again, even though he didn't do much the last time... It was still vital to keep the cow a secret from Sephiroth, considering he thought Zack took it back. What would he say if he found out there were two cows? He might not say anything. Just one swipe... That would get his point across...and leave Zack broken and bleeding somewhere.
"Psst! Cloud!"
The younger man looked up from his plate, a half-squeezed packet of ketchup in hand. "What?"
Zack motioned for him. "C'mear!"
Cloud took another look at his french fries, sighed, and trudged over to Zack, who was standing behind a pole in the cafeteria. "Yeah?"
"I need your 'help' again," he said, making quotation marks with his fingers.
He wrinkled his brow. "What for?"
"Barbie's still missing!"
"But I thought you took her back yesterday," responded Cloud, who began slurping up what ketchup was left in the packet.
"Give me that!" Zack grabbed the packet from him and threw it in a nearby trash can. "Look, we gotta find Barbara Marie Yvonne Rebecca -"
"Pretty Pretty Dancing Terry Sue." Cloud sighed, his hand still in the position to hold the ketchup. "Please, just call her 'the cow' or 'Barbie'. It takes too long the other way."
"I've got the black-spotted cow outside tied to a tree," he explained.
"Then what's the problem?"
Zack stared at him. "I need to find Barbie, Cloud. Barbie's brown!"
"No she's not. Well, not any more."
The entire world around him seemed to stop. "...What do you mean?" asked Zack in a dangerously low voice. He walked closer to Cloud, not wanting to miss his response.
"I painted the spots black."
"You did what?"
"I painted the spots black," he answered, as if it were a normal, everyday practice.
"But why?!"
"General Sephiroth told me to."
"Why would he tell you to do that?"
"I dunno." He shrugged. "He mumbled something about the bunny hop and...mice? I didn't know what he was talking about."
"Dammit!"
"What?"
"That little -- how could he do that to me?!"
"Do what?"
Zack put a hand to his head. "The black spots, Cloud."
"Sephiroth didn't do that, I did."
"I am well aware, thank you. But he told you to do it."
"Yeah, he did. So what's your point?"
Zack closed his eyes. "...Please leave now, Cloud. Your dumbness might be contagious."
"I was just trying to help, geez!" he yelled, offended.
Zack sighed. "I know, I'm sorry... It's just that sometimes you can be...how can I put it so I won't hurt your feelings? ....Vacuous. Yeah, that's a good word. Vacuous."
"...."
"Well, now that I know the spots were painted..." He sent a menacing glance towards Cloud. "All I have to do is wash her...and pray that the black comes off."
Yup.....
.....The entire process was rather long and boring, so we'll just say that now Barbie smells of Salon Selectives and is the prettiest cow this side of Junon.
She is the prettiest cow this side of Junon, thought Zack. He pondered it a little longer, but then decided that showing BMYRPPDTS in a cow show would be too expensive. The entrance fee alone would put him back two years.
"I knew you'd be back," he said. "They always come back..."
Zack smiled wryly, trying to ignore the comment. "I wanna give you back your cow."
"Sure, son. Is this her?"
He felt like saying, See any other cow attached to my arm?, but held back the urge. "Yeah, this is Barbara Marie Yvonne Rebecca Pretty Pretty Dancing Terry Sue..." he trailed off. Letting go of a pet was a hard thing.
"Well..." The farmer circled Barbie, inspecting her. "She looks clean enough, considering the company she was with. ...Shinra Soldiers, an' all," he added, with a sound of disgust.
"So can I have my money now?"
"Why, the money won't come to you any faster than a squirrel running from a pack of prairie dogs through the Cactus Desert while the moogles are having tea and wreaking havoc upon all creation with their pointy teeth that aren't clean because moogles don't go to the dentist because no dentist is trained to take care of moogles on the fourth Tuesday of a 30-day month."
"....What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"It means ya owe me money for renting the cow for four days."
"I paid you for that!" he complained.
"Nope. Ya paid me fer feed, brushes, a bell, an engraved dog tag, and all that other stuff. Ya didn't pay me fer the cow," the farmer said, waving a finger at him.
"Crap. How much?"
"It-"
"Wait! No, don't tell me. Do you take credit card?" Zack asked, pulling his wallet from his pants pocket.
"Yep."
He raised an eyebrow. "...Really?"
"That's what'cha asked, isn't it?"
Zack nodded dumbly and handed the man a small piece of plastic. He had to pay the fee anyway, he may as well wait for a better day to see what the amount came to. The farmer headed off towards the far end of the barn and came back shortly after; Zack's credit card in one hand, a receipt in the other.
"Wow, I even get a receipt," said Zack, in mock excitement.
The man gave him an annoyed look, then walked Barbie out to the pasture. Zack trailed along behind, wanting to say goodbye.
"Um..." He slowly turned toward the farmer, his hands behind his head. "Do you think you could give me a little time to say goodbye?"
The man stared at him like he was crazy, but agreed.
"So, Barbie...I guess this is it." Zack sighed deeply. "Maybe I'll come visit you sometime. Would you like that?"
"...Moo."
"Yeah, me too.... Well, um...bye."
Barbie lowered her head and began tearing up the grass beneath her. She chewed lazily, grunting every so often.
Zack smiled slightly. "I'll miss ya too, girl."
I like Cloud. Really, I do. It's just so easy to make fun of him, y'know? ^-^; And I forgot where SOLDIER was stationed. Midgar, Junon? Something like that. ^^;
Alrighty, so, this is really the end now. Honest... I hope you liked it! I have a feeling I'm gonna stick Zack in a lot of my other fics, too, so watch for them...er...if you like Zack. ^-^
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