He kindly stopped for me--
The Carriage held but just Ourselves--
And Immortality.
We slowly drove--He knew no haste
And I had put away
My labor and my leisure too,
For His Civility--
We passed the School, where Children strove
At Recess--in the Ring--
We passed the Fields of Gazing Grain--
We passed the Setting Sun--
Or rather--He passed us--
The Dews drew quivering and chill--
For only Gossamer, my Gown--
My Tippet--only Tulle--
We paused before a House that seemed
A Swelling of the Ground--
The Roof was scarcely visible--
The Cornice-in the Ground--
Since then--'tis Centuries--and yet
Feels shorter than the Day
I first surmised the Horses' Heads
Were toward Eternity--
Emily Dickinson, Because I Could Not Stop For Death
***
Bad things always seem to happen to me, don't they?
What is it with me? Do I just attract sadness? Heartbreak? Do I have a sign around my neck that says, 'Please, make my life miserable?'
Perhaps it's just the bad luck of the Snapes. We all seem to have bad lives.
I suppose storybook endings don't exist, though, do they?
Storybook endings…
I remember pretending to be Rapunzel, praying that my handsome prince would come and rescue me from my jailers-my parents. He never came, and so I stopped believing in fairy tales.
No…the magic of Muggle fairytales (which are often told to magical children to amuse them) was lost to me forever. I was foolish for believing in them--just as I was foolish for believing that my parents might, somewhere deep inside, love me.
But who could love me?
I stopped believing in myself. Perhaps I hadn't wished hard enough? Perhaps all of the handsome princes in the world didn't want an unloved, ugly, scrawny girl to be their princess--and who could blame them?
According to Amitan Flint, I had 'a face only a mother could love.'
Hell, my mother didn't even love my face. She didn't love anything about me.
Imagine, a nine-year-old, thinking these thoughts, trying to slit her wrists with a dinner knife. I realize now that I just should have told my parents I was suicidal--they would have handed me a butcher knife.
The house-elf saved me, though. With a mix of bribery, manipulation, and some good old blackmailing, I managed to make him agree to keep my slashings secret.
He was always a little afraid of me.
***
The wind blew hard over the group of people huddled together, adding to the darkness of the situation. There was a light drizzle, but most of the crowd didn't notice, or if they did, they didn't care. The rain blended with their tears.
Slowly, the group thinned out until only a few people remained. One of these people was Ariadne Malfoy.
She was completely oblivious to the people passing her by, whether they were patting her on the back and giving her looks of sympathy or giving her looks as though she didn't deserve to live.
"What is it with me and funerals lately?" she asked to no one in particular, silent tears running freely down her face.
"You all right, dear?" An arm came around her shoulders, pulling her into a sideways hug.
Ariadne sighed. "Why, Molly, why? Why couldn't we save them? And why did he have to--"
Molly Weasley gently kissed her forehead. "Don't speak his name. He doesn't deserve it, dear. I know how close you were to them--"
"Oh Molly," Ariadne whispered, leaning her head on the older woman's shoulder, "I was over there just last week! Draco and little Harry were playing together, and they were so cute…"
"Shhh, dear, they died honorably. You know that they wouldn't want you to be sad like this."
Ariadne chuckled bitterly, a lump forming in her throat. "Actually, James would have thought it was funny; seeing Snape's sister cry. Still…at least Harry made it…they thought the world of that child…Molly, they loved him so much…and she was pregnant…oh, Gods, they were going to have a daughter…"
Molly squeezed her shoulder and left, sensing Ariadne's need to be alone. She stared at the tombstone, reading the names over and over again, silently willing them to not be dead.
It didn't work with Junior, she thought miserably, why would it work with Lily and James? Why? I don't have that kind of luck…
"Ria?" came a croaky sort of voice, interrupting her thoughts.
"Dinah."
"Ria, I can't believe it." As Dinah stood next to Ariadne by the stone, Ariadne reached out and interlaced her fingers with Dinah's.
"The shock will go away soon," Ariadne said in a dead, hollow voice. "To be replaced by anger, sadness, and guilt."
Dinah shook her head. "They aren't dead. They aren't this isn't happening. I'm dreaming."
Ariadne squeezed Dinah's hand. "I wish you were. I wish we all were."
"I am!" Dinah all but shouted, dropping her hand from Ariadne's. "This is not real! They aren't dead! It never happened! I'm not--" she broke down sobbing, collapsing to the ground.
Severus suddenly appeared at her side, scooping his wife into his arms.
"She's taken this harder than I expected," he remarked quietly to Ariadne. "I had no idea that she would--I think she feels as if it was partially her fault. Foolish girl--if anyone is to blame, it's me." Severus averted his gaze to the ground, a familiar pain in his eyes. It was the look in his eyes that he had held when Lily had left him for James.
Ariadne pecked her brother on the cheek. "It isn't your fault at all, Severus. There was nothing you could do."
Dinah was calmer in his arms, but she still held a look of fear in her eyes that made Severus sigh. "I need to get her home," he said, smoothing his wife's hair. "Besides, I don't like to leave Madeline with Filch for too long; he scares her."
Ariadne looked at Dinah's still form and was unable to suppress a shudder. "You can always leave Mad with us. Sephie and Pluto love to play with her."
Severus nodded, turning to look at the gravestone. His calm exterior flickered for a moment as he read the names on the slab, smelled the freshly dug earth, saw the sobbing people.
"Lily," she heard him murmur as he turned away from the stone. "I should have saved you."
He quickly resumed his cold face, and Dissapperated with a small pop.
Ariadne looked at the stone again, fighting the urge to throw herself on the grave, sobbing, pleading for it to not be true. She half-wished that Dinah had somehow changed the past with her insane rantings, but it appeared that no amount of magic could heal the dead. Ariadne had tried.
She would have stood there for all eternity, mourning the loss of her best friend, when she heard a small voice.
"Ree."
"Harry," she whispered, reaching out to thin air.
"Ree! Ree!"
She turned to find a small child in a stroller, which was attended to by a blonde woman that looked very unhappy.
Ariadne walked up to the woman and nodded curtly. "Hello. You must be Petunia Dursley."
Mrs. Dursley's eyes widened. "Are you one of--of them?" she asked in a would-be calm voice, except that she was slowly inching away from Ariadne.
"Yes. And I would suggest that you treat that nephew of yours well, or you will find a horde of angry witches and wizards waiting to kill you. Understand?" Ariadne was furious. Who did this woman think she was?
Mrs. Dursley nodded fearfully.
"Good." Ariadne lifted Harry from the stroller. "And I'm taking him for a while. You'll get him back when I'm done."
Mrs. Dursley looked as though she might protest, but Ariadne gave her a look that would stop the Dark Lord himself in his tracks, and the skinny woman merely nodded again.
Ariadne walked a ways away, to a bench that was about ten yards from Lily's grave. "Hello, Harry."
"Ree!" Harry said gleefully. Lily had always called Ariadne by her nickname, which led Harry to 'Ree'.
"Yes, it's Ree. How are you, child?" Ariadne brushed back Harry's bangs, revealing a lightening-shaped scar. "Is that where he-oh, you can't tell me, why am I asking you? Still…Harry, you know I love you, right?"
Harry looked up at Ariadne, reaching out and grabbing her nose. "Love Ree," he giggled, tugging on her nose
She chuckled. "I wish I didn't have to give you to that waste of a birth over there, but I can't take you home with me. And Peter's dead, and Sirius--" she stopped so that she wouldn't cry. Harry was only about one and a half. The child had an unusually large vocabulary--perhaps it was because he was always surrounded by people.
"Remmy!" Harry said suddenly, his smile growing wider.
"Remus can't take you in either, child…he's a werewolf, not at all good for raising children…besides, I won't let you be raised by a bastard like him."
"Remmy!" the infant squealed again, squirming about in Ariadne's arms.
"Hi, Harry," came a voice. Ariadne looked up. It was Remus Lupin.
Remus ruffled Harry's hair, then turned to look at Ariadne. "Can I sit here?" he asked, pointing at the empty space next to her on the bench.
Ariadne nodded, scooting over slightly so that he could have room--or perhaps it was because the sight of him still managed to make her flinch.
The drizzle suddenly turned into full-blown rain. Petunia Dursley marched over, an irritated expression on her gaunt face.
"I'm leaving," she said, trying in vain to cover herself from the rain. "Give me the boy."
Ariadne shook her head. "No. I'll bring him to your house later."
The other woman looked horrified. "If you think that one of--of your kind is coming to my home--"
"One of us will bring him to your home when we are ready," Remus said, standing up and looking Mrs. Dursley in the eye. "And only then."
Mrs. Dursley looked at the two of them, then at Harry, then at the two of them again. She seemed as though she was about to say something, but, upon reflection, decided against it, and stormed angrily out of the cemetery.
Neither of them said anything for a while after Lily's pathetic excuse for a sister huffed off. Both seem to be getting a certain solace from the silence, and neither did anything to keep themselves from the rain. Ariadne thought the rain was refreshing; as if the shower was washing away the feelings of guilt and fear that Ariadne knew both of them were feeling. A gurgling noise from Harry jerked Ariadne back to her senses.
"Thank you," Ariadne softly said, kissing Harry's forehead. She was directing the comment towards Remus.
Remus nodded his understanding. "How have you been?" he asked quietly, looking at the ground.
"My best friend just died, Lupin," she spat softly, her tone dangerous. "How the hell do you think I feel?"
He shuffled his feet nervously, making tracks in the mud. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "For everything."
Ariadne sighed. "Did you know?" She looked at her feet as well, noticing how small they were in comparison to Remus'.
"Know what?" Remus sounded tired, as if he had been walking for a hundred years.
"About Black," she whispered, as if saying his name might cause him to appear in front of their eyes.
Remus took his time answering. "I knew--I knew he was their Secret-Keeper, yes. But I never knew--never thought that he could be--" he stopped, chancing a glance in Ariadne's direction.
"Stop acting as if saying the word Death Eater will cause me to go into a flying rage!" she yelled, jumping to her feet. "I know what my husband does; I know what my father and brother did, I'm not blind! Do you not think that if I was going to be bothered by it, I would have left him by now?"
Tears were threatening to fall, and Remus was suddenly at her side, his arms pulling her into a comforting embrace. Forgetting herself she leaned against him, letting him stroke her hair as Harry began to wail.
"Ria, Ria love, everything will be all right. You'll see."
She stiffened and stepped out of his arms, sitting on the bench again, quieting Harry.
"Do you really believe that?" she spat venomously as he sat next to her on the bench, her anger returning.
Remus looked at the ground for a long moment before answering. When he finally did speak, it was in a subdued voice. "I have to."
Ariadne looked at Remus. She saw him properly for the first time-he had large, dark circles under his eyes, and his robes were ripped and old. Her heart melted at the pitiful man sitting next to her-a man who not only was feeling as much guilt and pain as she was, and man whom she had once loved.
What's the matter with me? she thought to herself, still looking at Remus. I've gone soft! Is this what childbirth does to you? Why am I incapable of holding grudges all of the sudden?
She sighed at her own kindness, and gently reached over to kiss Remus on the cheek. He looked at her in shock, touching his hand to the spot where her lips had been.
"Does this mean I'm forgiven?" he asked hopefully, still looking surprised.
Ariadne stared into his deep coffee eyes and sighed in resignation. "If you gave me a cigarette," she quipped, "I'd fly to New York for you."
Remus chuckled lightly. He knew of Ariadne's fear of brooms and Quidditch. He handed her a package of 'Griffins-Kings', saying, "Since when do you smoke?"
She looked at the package. 'Griffins' was the cheapest brand on the market. She was used to smoking 'Galleon Smokes', the most expensive brand of cigarettes you could buy (three galleons a carton). She took a cigarette anyway, not mentioning the brand as she handed the pack back to Remus.
"Since Lucius Jr. died," she said quietly, reaching for her wand. Unlike 'Galleons', 'Griffins' had to be lit by wand. 'Galleons' lit itself the moment you put it to your lips. "Severus has always smoked, and Lucius took it up after we got married. I needed something to calm my nerves, and I got tired of making massive amounts of Nerve-Calming Potion. And now I'm addicted, like the rest of the world."
She lit the cigarette and took a long, slow drag. "Thank you. For everything." She turned her head so that the smoke wouldn't blow in Harry's face.
He nodded, putting his hand gently over hers. She turned her hand over, lacing her fingers through his.
"Ree! Play with Dwaco?" Harry had decided that he needed some attention.
Ariadne shook her head sadly. "Not today, love. Maybe later."
Harry looked so upset that Remus leaned over and tickled him until the child was nearly in tears.
"Remmy, sthop! Sthop!" he giggled, trying to push Remus' hands away.
"Well then you smile, or else, you understand?" Remus said sternly.
Harry nodded solemnly. "Harry smile." He did as he said, putting a huge grin on his face as he reached up and grabbed Ariadne's nose.
"Got konk!" he yelled, pulling Ariadne's face down.
She couldn't help but laugh as she freed her nose from Harry's grasp.
"Too much like his father," she said lightly, shaking her head.
Remus chuckled. "No, he's got Lily's eyes."
Ariadne nodded, snuffed out her cigarette, and looked at her watch. "We should probably get Harry back to his aunt's. Although if I could, I'd raise him myself, if just to keep him away from those horrible people."
"As would I." Remus stood. "Do you want me to take him?"
She nodded, thankful. She didn't think she could go to that house and not kill the Muggles living in it. She stood and walked away from Remus, who seemed to understand her need for privacy.
"Harry, I wish I could raise you myself. I do. But Lucius…he didn't much like your mum and dad, and I know he hates you."
Harry just looked at her.
She sighed. "Who am I kidding? You're too young to understand; someday, you'll see. I'm going to give you a gift, Harry. Something you don't have, but will need, being raised by Muggles."
"Muggle." Harry repeated, smiling.
Ariadne nodded. "Muggles. Before I had to leave school, child, we were learning how to heal emotions and transfer memories. I'm going to give you memories that will help you."
The child just gurgled happily.
She sighed again and placed her right hand on Harry's heart; her left on the small scar on his forehead. She concentrated on her memories, and pictured them being Harry's memories as well--memories of being strong after being beaten, of being in pain, of being alone.
The memories wouldn't hurt him, but whatever the Muggles dealt him, in the back of his head he'd always have a feeling that he could get through it; that he had been through worse. She walked back over to where Remus was waiting.
She kissed Harry on the forehead and pulled him close. "Gods protect, Harry." Handing him to Remus without another word, she turned to leave.
"Bye, Ree!" Harry shouted as Remus Dissaperated.
It was only then that she allowed herself to really cry.
***
"Luke, there's something wrong with her!"
"There's something wrong with you, girl!"
"Sephie, what do you want me to do about it?"
"You aren't my daughter, girl!"
"You're the smart one; do something!"
"No one in this family acts like you!"
No, Mother! Not you too!
"You're lucky I didn't tell your father; he would have beaten you!"
I know! Mother, please!
"You are a horrible child! You don't deserve our attention!"
Please, Mother, I know! I know I'm an awful child! I deserve to die! I do! Please, I've admitted it, stop! Oh Gods, I can't take this. I can't. I can't fight it.
"Mum? Mum! Luke, something's wrong!"
Because I could not stop for death…
"She's not breathing!"
…He kindly stopped for me.
***
Next Chapter: We find out if she's actually dead...no hints there. And we also get to see Malfoy Manor in action at Seven in the morning, in a house with four children...Ria come across a problem, and ends up having to visit the muggle world...oh, and Dinah does a *bad* thing.
Thanks: To Abby, for beta-reading this. What would the world do without betas?