A/N: This is the first part of a series. This one's pretty long, but I promise the chapters that follow are shorter. ^^; To see this story's webpage (with further episodes, info, and a cast list), go to http://www.geocities.com/lenore_x/slayers/tour.html. If you read, please review! ^_^
-------------------------------------------------------Director: Okay, cast, prepare yourself... this will be the strangest episode you've ever done... much stranger than what you're used to.
Amelia: You mean stranger than that time we had to dress up the boys to get into a city, and Zelgadis got a crush on the princess who was really a guy in drag?
Zelgadis blushes.
Director: Yes, stranger than that.
Lina: Even stranger than time Gourry was dressed as a girl, and that guy proposed to him?
Gourry sweatdrops.
Director: Stranger than that.
Gourry: Or that time Lina Dragon-slaved that mountain, and all the ghosts got out and started possessing her?
Lina glares at Gourry.
Director: Yes, stranger than that.
Xellos: Even stranger than that time we all had to dress up as animals to sneak into Joe and Anne's Tower of Dolls?
Lina, Gourry, Zel, Amelia, and Martina shudder collectively at the memory.
Director: Stra- Well, okay, maybe not stranger than that. But strange. Brace yourselves...
Messy Minded Productions present...
Lina: Hey wait!
Director: *sigh* Yes?
Lina: Do we get free Coke?
Director: Uh, no, just lemonade.
All: Ah, man!
Director: Come on, guys, it's from our sponsers. At least try to... (trails off)
The Slayers: World Tour
Episode One- Series Pemeire
Starring
Lina Inverse, Gourry Gabriev, Amelia Wil Tesla Saillune, Zelgadis Greywers, Xellos Metallium, and Filia ul Copt
With
Rezo the Red Priest as Rezo the Road Manager, Beastmaster Zelas as Booking Agent Zelas, and Martina Zoana Mel Navratilova as Groupie Martina
Special Appearances By:
Zangulus as The Busdriver
Written and Directed by Natalie Detour
In a dimly lit office sits a woman sucking on a cigarette. Across from her is a tall man with pointy, purpley-blue hair and closed eyes.
Booking Agent Zelas: (puff, exhale) Have you made your decision?
Rezo the Road Manager: Yes, Ma'am.
Zelas: (puff, exhale) And?
Rezo: The world tour is and excellent plan. I forsee the sales for the current album will triple.
Zelas: (surprised. puff, exhale) Triple? My, but that's ambitious.
Rezo smirks. Zelas puffs.
Zelas: (puff, exhale) I know the locations already, I only have to confirm them with their respective promoters. But Rezo... (puff, puff) are you sure the band can handle it?
Rezo: Ummmmm....
(cut to hotel room)
The band members Lina, Gourry, Zel, Amelia, Xellos, and Filia are sitting around the hotel room. They are engaged in an argument of which of them are the best musicians.
Lina: (to Xellos) Quit acting like you're the real talent of this group! You weren't even around when we defeated Shabranigdo at the Grammies last year!
Amelia: What happened to Shabranigdo?
Lina: Quit the biz, so I heard.
Zelgadis: (smirks) Smart move, after that law suit we filed against him.
Amelia: What law suit?
Zelgadis' face suddenly darkens and he is silent. Lina quickly fills in:
Lina: He hit and killed our other band members, Zolf and Rodimus, in his limo.
Gourry: (laughs) We cleaned him out!
Xellos: You know he only won those other awards with bribes...
Amelia: Miss Lina! You guys never told me that story!
Lina: Mmm-hmm. Then we all decided to take a break... Zel took off to Tahiti, and Gourry and I eventually ran into you, Amelia.
Amelia: I know the story from there, Miss Lina!
Xellos: (admiring his nails) I don't know how you guys ever survived without me.
Zelgadis: (glares) Oh, yes, a keyboard, that's a necessary instrument!
Xellos: (surprised) Do I detect a note of sarcasm, Zel-kun?
Gourry: What's a kun?
Xellos: It's a Japanese name suffix.
Lina: We're in America, you twit! (bonks him on the head) This is the dub! That's why Zel sounds like Crispin Freeman and you sound like David Moo!
The audience members scream and scramble to get out.
Zelgadis: Forget it! (he storms into the other room, where he can be heard playing Humble Pie songs on his guitar)
Amelia: Poor Mister Zelgadis...
Lina: He took that way too seriously.
There is a knock on the door. Creepy music ensues.
Lina: Yes?
Voice on Other Side of Door (male): I wish to make a purchase. An item-
Second Voice on Other Side of Door (female): We just want your autographs!
Lina and the others look nervously at each other, at the idea of obsessed fans.
First Voice: ...I have no intention of harming you.
Second Voice: We just wanna meet you!
First Voice: And I believe you have a formidable bodyguard with you.
Everyone looks around.
Filia: Nope. You must have the wrong band.
Second Voice: Just give us autographs, damnit! Please?
Lina: Go for it, Gourry.
Gourry approaches the door cautiously just as Zelgadis re-enters the room. Gourry opens the door to reveal a green-haired girl. Right behind her is a cloaked figure.
Lina: Hey! I know you! Daniel Cronin!
Mr. Cronin takes off running down the hall. Lina runs to the door and leans out.
Lina: Hey wait! Come back here Dan! We have some questions we need answered!
Director from behind cameras: Stupid elusive-but-sexy-voiced VAs.
Zelgadis mutters something about "imposters". The green haired girl laughs a stuck-up laugh.
Groupie Martina: I'm your biggest fan! Can I-
Xellos: No, actually, the president of our fanclub is named Sylphiel, and you're definately not her.
Groupie Martina lays eyes on Xellos and is stricken with infatuation. Then Zelgadis walks into the picture and she gets a crush on him. Then she sees Gourry and likes him.
Groupie Martina: Like I said, I'm your biggest fan! Sylpheed is a fake!
Filia: That's Sylphiel. We're quite happy with her work, actually.
Xellos: But every band needs a few groupies along to sleep with!
Everyone looks at him like he's mad. (which, you know, he is)
Xellos: Why don't you come along with us for the rest of the tour?
Groupie Martina: Really?!
Everyone Else: NO!!!
Groupie Martina ignores them, squeals with joy, and makes herself comfortable on the couch with Lina's cheetos and the TV remote. Lina, fortunately, seems not to notice.
Lina: (to Xellos) What are you doing? Why are you letting her come?
Xellos: (giggles) Sore wa himitsu desu!
Everyone: What?!
Xellos: It means "That's a secret."
Filia: Why are you still on that Japanese trip? I thought Lina explained this all to you.
Xellos shrugs, kicks off his shoes, and cuddles up next to Martina on the couch. The remaining band members look at each other hopelessly.
Zelgadis: I vote we kick him out.
Lina: You always vote that.
Suddenly Rezo bursts in through the door.
Rezo: Everyone on the bus! Quick!
Lina: What? Why?
Rezo: This show is cancelled. We're going on the world tour.
Lina, Gourry, Amelia, Zel, Filia: What?!
Rezo: Hurry! We have to be in LA by midnight!
The band members scramble to get their belongings together, Martina on Xellos' heels.
Rezo: Roll call.
Everyone lines up single-file and walks by Rezo out the door as he counts off.
Rezo: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven... seven? Who's this?
Martina: Martina!
Xellos: (grin) She's our new groupie.
Everyone sweatdrops.
Amelia: Mr. Rezo, why do we have to be in LA by midnight?
Rezo: That's where our plane is leaving from.
Lina: Why don't we just take a plane from here?
Zelgadis: And how will we get to LA by midnight?
Rezo: (ignoring them) To the bus!
All eight of them run down the hall and squish into the elevator. Once at the first floor, Lina and Gourry rush to the snack bar while the others continue to head for the bus.
Xellos: We have food on the bus!
Lina and Gourry reluctantly leave and follow the others. Busdriver Zangulus is waiting, and once Martina spots him, she is once again stricken with infatuation. Everyone piles aboard, and they're off.
Zelgadis sits in the back, legs and arms crossed, playing Everclear on his discman loud enough for everyone to hear. Gourry even sings along (with the wrong lyrics), much to everyone's annoyance. Amelia heads for Zel's seat and sits next to him, tapping him on the shoulder. He looks at her expectantly without turning his discman down or off.
Amelia: Um... Mister Zelgadis, that's really bad for your ears.
Zel: Hmmm? (leans closer)
Amelia: (louder) I said, that's really bad for your ears.
Zel mouths "what?" looking confused.
Amelia: THAT'S REALLY BAD FOR YOUR EARS!
Zelgadis shakes his head and points at his headphones to show he can't hear. Amelia gives up and returns to her seat. Xellos takes advantage of the situation.
Xellos: (imitating Zel's voice) I want to be weak... WEAK!
No one can help but crack up. Zel somehow managed to hear all this and gives everyone a (literally) stone glare.
Amelia: Uh, Mr. Rezo, where is our plane headed?
Rezo: Hollywood.
All 'cept Zel: HUH?!
Filia: Why are we taking a plane from LA to Hollywood?
Lina: I didn't even know planes did that.
Rezo once again ignores the tricky question.
Xellos: I think I know the answer to that!
Everyone (including Zel): No!
Xellos: It's a secret!
Everyone groans and sweatdrops for something like the third time that evening. Gourry is struck with a rare, brilliant thought.
Gourry: Hey... did we remember to tell Naga and the White Serpants we were leaving?
Everyone is silent, excluding Zelgadis' Everclear.
Rezo: Ummmm...
Filia: Does anyone have a cellphone?
Rezo: Damn.
Lina: This is great! No backup! Who's gonna come to our concerts now?
Rezo: Calm down, we'll just stop at a payphone. Who knows what name she's staying under?
Gourry, Amelia, Zel, Filia, Xellos: Lina Inverse's Greatest and Strongest Rival.
Lina: (grumbling under her breath) Leave her behind.
Xellos: (grins) Hai.
Everyone else: What?!
Xellos: It means yes.
Filia smacks him over the head with her bass.
Director: Cut to commercial!
~~
The camera rests on Xellos' hand stirring a pitcher of yellow liquid. It zooms out to show him standing next to Amelia, who is holding a box of "City Time" lemonade.
Amelia: City Time lemonade is my favorite drink! It's refreshing, tastes great, and is complete with an essential vitamin and two minerals!
Xellos hands her a glass.
Amelia: Oh, boy! (takes a drink) Mmmm, it's... (face distorts) Ugh! GAH, Mister Xellos, how much of the mix did you put in this?
Xellos: (giggles) Now, that is a secret!
Amelia sets the glass down, gritting her teeth. Xellos turns and runs the other way, follow shortly by Amelia, who chases him off screen.
Amelia: A secret, my foot! I'll secret you!
City Time Lemonade... Always city-fresh!
~~
(later)
Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis, Amelia, Filia, Xellos, Martina, Rezo, and Zangulus are sitting on the plane, waiting for takeoff. Unfortunately, though it would add dramatic effect, none of the passengers are scared of flying (because they are all either able to heal themselves, couldn't care less, or are in lust with other passengers).
Zelgadis: (has switched from Everclear to ZZ Top) What's the holdup? We could have walked to Hollywood by now.
At that moment, the plane begins moving down the runway.
Lina: Finally!
Two minutes later, the plane lands.
Lina: Finally!
Zelgadis: Well, that was exhilerating.
The passengers of the plane deboard. Filia, thinking practically as usual, pipes up:
Filia: Rezo, where's our hotel?
Lina: And how much is the room service there?
Rezo digs around in his pocket.
Rezo: Zelas gave me the name of it... (pulls out a small piece of paper)... Ah-ha! Here we are! Zelgadis?
Zelgadis rolls his eyes.
Zelgadis: Why don't you just record your info in braille?
Rezo: Would you just be a good grandson-slash-great-grandson and read it to me?
Zelgadis: Why should I have to?
Lina: Oh, for pete's sake! I'll read it!
Lina gives Zel the finger before taking Rezo's paper.
Lina: Uh, Rezo, this is a receipt for XX-large underwear... (sweatdrops)
Rezo turns his favorite color.
Rezo: Whoopsie...
Xellos opens one eye.
Xellos: So where are we staying?
Rezo: I... I...
The manager continues digging around in his pockets but finds nothing. Lina thinks fast.
Lina: What's Zelas' phone number?
Xellos: Now, that-
Lina, Zel, Filia: No one asked you!
Rezo: Er, actually, that was on the same piece of paper...
Amelia: What do we do?!
Rezo: Uh...
Amelia and Martina flip out.
Rezo: Now calm down everyone! What are you so panicked about?
Amelia: We might have to sleep on the streets tonight!
Rezo: That's ridiculous, there's no way I'll let my band sleep on the streets of a city. We have credit cards; all we have to do is use a little of our spending money and find another decent hotel.
Everyone else: No way!
Lina: I work hard for my spending money! I'm not going to waste it on a hotel we normally would get free!
Rezo grumbles something about "spoiled" under his breath.
Rezo: I don't see-
Gourry: Duh, you're blind.
Rezo: That's not what I meant! I don't see that we have any other options.
The group stands in the dark, contemplating some way to solve this problem. Suddenly, Xellos spots a dark figure step out of the shadows and approach them.
Xellos: Mugger!
All: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The group of nine takes off running in the other direction.
Will the Slayers be forced to sleep on the streets? Will Lina have to spend her own money? Who is the mysterious shadowy figure? Tune in next week for the exciting Slayers: World Tour - Episode II to find out!