Disclaimer: DC Comics and Time/Warner own All the characters; this is an original story that does not intend to infringe on their copyright.
Growing Up
By
Peggie
I remember at a funeral of an acquaintance hearing the minister telling a young man mourning his father, "I know it's hard, but you're the oldest son, so you're the man of the house now. It's up to you to look after your brothers. Nothing makes a young man grow up faster than losing his father."
In my case it wasn't true. It was the death of my parents that stopped me maturing. Their loss left me trapped in a seedy world of my own making. I wasn't man enough to face my own life, I wasn't man enough to face my future. I had to cling to the past, to hold on to what was familiar, what I could control, what felt safe.
That sounds absurd. I am Batman and Batman is never safe. Yet, putting your life on the line every night is easier than facing the future as an ordinary man, as Bruce Wayne. When I am Batman I control events, I can fight, literally, to preserve those thing precious to me. Yes, I failed to grow up, I protect the same way a child does by using violence. And like a child I cannot face my fears, I run from them, I deny my pain. I cannot express my feelings I hide them away, in the process I hurt those I care for and I hurt myself. I also demean too much of others and sulk when they fail to give it. It took a second tragedy for me to finally grow up and become the man my family needed me to be.
I'd never demonstrated my child like ways more clearly than in the aftermath of Jim Gordon's shooting. Jim is my friend, one of the few people I truly admire in this world, one of the few outside my 'family' I trust. While those around me responded positively, going out of their way to help Jim, either by pursuing his assailant, comforting his family or helping to care for him, what did I do I wallowed in my own self pity. I was no use to anyone, not my family, my colleagues and certainly not to Jim or myself.
My behaviour finally forced Alfred, my life long friend and caregiver to act. He demanded to know what I was doing and whom I thought I was helping by my actions. Like a child I demanded he leave me alone. So he decided Bruce Wayne needed to grow up and the best way to achieve that was to make Bruce Wayne face up to life. Therefore he did as I requested he left. He left his job, his home and his friends, in the hope that having to face up to being Bruce Wayne would make me finally grow up, that I would finally face up to being an adult.
For a while I was utterly lost, I didn't grow up, like a child let loose from nannies apron strings I caused havoc. I upset Tim by revealing his identity to Spoiler, made Dick angry by closing myself away from everyone and worried Lucius Fox so much he hired a bodyguard for me.
Yet grow up I have, it took time and it was painful but it worked. I remember the day I became a man well. How could I ever forget it.
I'd decided to contact Robin, one of us had to make the first move. I figured it should be me. I'd smiled "OK," I'd muttered, "so I should have done this weeks ago. Better late than never." The bats in the cave above me had moved restlessly at the sound of my voice.
I hit the button that connected me direct to Oracle.
"I want to contact Robin!" I'd snapped as Oracle appeared on the video link.
Oracle had been aversive.
"'Sorry Batman but that's not possible, his links switched off. I'll pass on a message when I can."
"OK, well, can I speak to Nightwing then."
"You're out of luck tonight Batman, his links off as well!"
"What the hell do you mean, his links off as well. Links are never switched off except in hospitals."
Suddenly I'd frozen, a new fear gripped me. "Oracle, who's hurt, is it Robin? What happened to him is he OK?"
Oracle stared at me, "It's not Robin, Batman." she said quietly.
For the first time that night I'd looked at her, really looked at her and noticed that her eyes were red rimmed. My heart stopped for a second. "It's Nightwing, isn't it? Barbara, has Dick's been hurt." Oh please, not now not now when we'd finally made up. Not now when I'd finally adopted him when we were finally getting to understand each other.
"It's not Dick who's hurt Bruce." Oracle said tears spilling down from her red rimmed eyes.
If it's not Tim or Dick then who could it be? Who did Dick and Tim both care about? Suddenly I knew, and I felt sick. "It's Alfred isn't it?"
Oracle nodded.
"What happened, how is he?" I'd managed to ask.
"It's a head injury, pretty bad from what I can gather, they operated last night. Tim called Dick this morning and he was frantic. He begged Dick, literally begged him not to tell you. I know Dick wanted to call, but Tim's so frightened of what you'd do. So Dick went to find out the facts before contacting you. It seems Robin got himself in to a situation that was more difficult than he imagined. He was in serious trouble, so Alfred went to help, to support Robin. It was very..."
"Why wasn't I told Robin was in trouble?" I'd demanded.
"After what had happened between you and Robin, Alfred figured you being there would only make things worse between you."
"Worse! So where's Alfred?" I'd asked.
"Tim got his dad to arrange a Medic flight, Alfred's in hospital in Metropolis." She'd answered.
"Why Metropolis?"
"Leslie arranged it, she flew out with them, Leslie says Metropolis City Hospital has got one of the best neurological unit in the country." Oracle replied quietly. "If anyone can help Alfred they can!"
"Leslie! Leslie knows too. When was I going to be told!" I demanded. "My oldest friend, damn it, the guy who raised me, been like a father to me, is so ill he needed a Medic flight and you don't tell me! What the hell was Robin doing putting Alfred in danger, Alfred's resourceful but he's not trained for..." I'd stopped because Oracle was looking at me knowingly.
"That's how Dick said you'd react. Tim's already blaming himself, he's riddled with guilt. He only a kid. A kid who's just got someone he loves dearly hurt, and hurt bad. He may be Robin but he's not infallible, what he doesn't need is you there making him feel worse. Like Dick said, Alfred wouldn't want that."
Dick was right Alfred wouldn't want that. Alfred loved Tim like a grandson. Loved him enough to risk his life to protect him. Hell the old guy loved us all, Dick, Tim, Jason and Me. He'd spent most of his life raising other people's sons. Never having the time to have a family of his own. So we'd become his family, his sons and I am his oldest son."
Oracle was taking another call, I saw her face crumple in grief and saw a torrent of tears, and suddenly I felt ill. Dick's image came on screen and he was white faced. "Bruce, Babs has told you, I take it? You'd better get here, as soon as you can. I am sorry Bruce, the Doctors are saying there's," he'd lost it for a moment, he was unable to continue, finally he pulled himself together." ….there's no hope and we should consider turning off the life support systems."
I'd listened to Dick's words totally stunned. How the hell could this have happened. I saw him wipe the tears from his eyes with his sleeve. Alfred would have something to say if he saw you doing that young man I thought.
"Leslie's had to sedate Tim," Dick said to fill the silence "he fighting the medication, he won't leave Alfred's side. He says he won't let them turn off the ventilator."
"I'll be there as soon as possible Dick, no decisions are to be made until I arrive, understood!" I'd told him.
I saw him nod and I manage to cut the link before I start to cry.
I'd taken the company jet and within two hours I'd reached the hospital. Dick and Leslie had met me at the door to Alfred's room both of them looked devastated. "Bruce, it's bad," Leslie had said her voice breaking, "they've run tests ..and there's ..nothing they can do. All we can do is let him.. die with dignity." She'd quickly turned and looked through the window into the room at the man who had been her partner and more importantly her best friend for almost thirty years. Tears started running down her cheeks.
I'd looked through the window at the man laid in the bed, I still couldn't believe this was happening, it couldn't be Alfred. But it was, and Leslie was right, this wasn't dignified, not with all the tubes and monitors. Alfred had always tackled everything with an air of dignity, he deserves to die with dignity. I'd hugged Leslie close and for the first time in my life I willingly shared my pain with another person, I cried with her. Dick was also in tears, I hugged him to me before going in to see my friend.
"Bruce, Tim's in a real state he, won't listen to Leslie, the Doctors or me." Dick said his voice choked with pain at seeing his young friend torturing himself. "He's been sat next to Alfred since they brought him back from theatre. He won't eat, or sleep and all he's saying is it's his fault. Bruce, Alfred wouldn't want Tim going through this, you know how much he loves him."
I'd asked them to wait outside to give me some time with Alfred and Tim on my own. I stepped into the room the only sounds were the beeping of monitors and the swish of air from the ventilator that was keeping the old man alive. By the bed holding Alfred's hand sat Tim. He'd looked terrible, white faced, eyes dilated, sweat pouring from him as he fought to stay awake.
He'd seen me and cowered in his chair gripping Alfred's hand tighter, "Bruce, it's my fault, my fault. Oh Alfred, I am so sorry! So sorry Bruce." he'd started crying and my initial anger had dissolved. I'd lifted the boy up and sitting on the chair pulled him on to my knee and did what Alfred had done for all of us at one time or other, I held him tight and comforted him. Simply expressed my love for him without words or fuss. Hell, it seemed so natural, so right, "Tim, it's not your fault I'd assured him, it's not anyone's fault." I'd held him for a long time before I could speak then I said, "Alfred loved you and wanted to help you. He wouldn't be pleased seeing you in this state."
Tim had looked down at himself and shivered.
He'd looked back at me "They want to turn off..." he'd started to say.
I held him close, "I know, but it's for the best Tim. Alfred wouldn't want to be like this for months and years now would he?" I'd asked the distraught young man.
Tim had shaken his head.
"You go and get washed and change." I'd told him.
He'd headed for the door then stopped. "You won't .... "
"No son, not until you get back. We'll all be here, when it's time."
"We were all there as they tuned off the ventilator and removed the tubes. Leslie was the first move, as a doctor she'd done this on countless occasions, helped families say goodbye to loved ones with dignity. This time was different though, this time was personal, this time it was her heart that was breaking. She lent forward and kissed her partners lips one last time. "If you need to go Alf, to leave us, ...it's all right my love, I ...understand! Just be sure that you know how much I love you, I always have and I always will. ..I'll be with you again just as soon as God lets me." She'd assured him her voice thick with emotion.
Dick had been next, he'd stroked Alfred thinning hair off his brow. "You've been the best thing in my life, Alfred. Without you I couldn't have made it. ..I love you." He been unable to say more as his tears robbed him of speech, so he'd just kissed his friends cheek.
I kept looking at the heart monitor it's beat was slow and weak but it was still there.
Leslie had looked at me "He needs you to tell him he can go Bruce, he needs to know you understand." She'd whispered to me, squeezing my hand.
"Hi old friend," I'd managed to say taking the old man's unresponsive hand. "I just wanted to tell you how much I love you, how much you mean to me, ..to all of us. We only want what's best for you now. If it's time for you to go, then that's alright. ...you can go, ..you'll always be in our hearts."
Tim had started to sob his voice was choked as he kept sobbing out "No, please no! It's all my fault. I'll never forgive myself!" I'd held him tight as his sobbing intensified.
Yes, I'd grown up that night, I'd become the man Alfred wanted me to become.
I am going to visit Alfred now, I had him brought back home to Gotham. I know Tim's there already, I saw him cutting some roses this morning to take with him.
When I get there Tim's talking quietly to his friend. Suddenly I hear Tim laugh and see him punch Alfred lightly on the shoulder. The old man smiles at some joke they've shared. He looks a little stronger every day, hopefully he can come home to us soon.
The doctors were amazed he'd survived being removed from life support. In hindsight I wasn't, they didn't know how stubborn the old guy can be. He's certainly too stubborn to die and leave a young friend riddled with guilt. After ten minutes off life support, at Leslie's insistence, they'd quickly reassessed him and two operations later he was slowly recovering.
Alfred sees me and smiles. Tim looks up at me. "They're letting Alfred out the day after tomorrow!" he says happily, "I am going to get a vase for the roses, see you later Alfie." I ruffle his hair as he walks past me.
"So, are you ready to come home?" I ask. "I've grown up now Alfred, just as you wanted. So there's no reason for you to stay away."
He nods, "Yes sir, you've grown up." he enunciates carefully. Speaking, which is something else the doctors never expected him to be able to do, requires all his concentration. But he was determined to prove the Doctors wrong again.
"So you'll come home?" I plead.
"I won't be able to carry out my duties for.."
I stop his train of thought, by sitting on the bed and hugging him tight. "You're my friend, my family. Damn it I wouldn't care if you were never able to carry out 'your duties'. I just want you home!"
He returns my hug, his left arm isn't very strong as yet, but it's getting better.
"Anyway, Leslie's already moved in, she's been getting your room ready for you." I tell him.
He smiles. "That leaves me little choice!" he mangers to say with a hint of the old Alfred humour in his voice.
"No, you've got no choice, I make the decisions in this family."
He raises an eyebrow. "Very good sir!"
Did I detect a hint of sarcasm there. Suddenly we're both laughing. Ok, so I've grown up, but I am not yet the man of the house yet. Thank Goodness.