They were together again, and no matter how hard Severus tried to avoid them, it was as if he was cursed to see them everywhere he went. He busied himself in his studies, but even then he couldn't concentrate. Each night, he longed to go through the hidden door into her room, to see how she was. Each night, however, he realized the more they saw each other the harder it would be for them to remain distant. He could hear her if he pressed his ear against the wall, straining to listen. Her voice, however faint it was, was the most comforting sound to Severus.
He was having difficulty sleeping; His meetings with Professor Dumbledore were now weekly, after his last lesson on Friday afternoons. He was coming to dread these; without her, he didn't know how long he'd be able to put out the strength it took him to say he was willing to do this. Dumbledore asked each and every time, in the same commanding and intimidating voice. Severus knew the risks; he was already feeling resentment towards Voldemort, and trying to hide this fact around his Slytherin friends was hard. They talked of joining the Dark Lord often, in huddles around the fire late at night. Lucius Malfoy was usually the leader, trying to convince his friends Voldemort was their ticket to power. Showing them the Dark Mark burned into his arm was always a spectacle and afterwards, he always turned towards Severus as if he was expecting him to show the House his own Mark.
It was Calling him more and more now, each time was more painful and harder to resist than the last. Late at night, he ran through the tactics and strategies he and Dumbledore went over, mingling the scenarios with the constant 'what if' questions running through his mind. To him, it was nothing less than torture, like a constant mind game battling between what he knew was right and the easiest road out. Lily haunted him; each time he turned over in bed, he half expected her to be there to push him back to his side. When his conscious mind realized he had the bed to himself, he could sprawl out as he wished, tears threatened to spill out onto his cheeks. Even in the dead of night, he would have been mortified at showing such a weakness this strongly and this often.
He knew she hadn't slept with him yet; at least not in her room. She slept alone each night, and Severus yearned to go through the door and comfort her when he heard her soft, muffled cries. He looked for signs of James hitting her, and thankfully he saw none. As sleep deprived, stressed, and anxious as he was, he feared James would get the best of him even though Severus knew more hexes James could ever wish to learn in a lifetime. It was a constant mental and emotional struggle; he wanted to see her, he needed to see her, but he knew for their own sake he couldn't, unless she wanted him to.
The opportunity came on the night of April 4th, around 3 AM. Severus heard a scream coming through the walls, and another that followed it. He wasn't sure if he had been dreaming, until he heard it once more:
"Severus!"
Her voice was high and shrill; he was surprised neither Lucius, Crabbe, nor Goyle had awoken at the sound of it. He could hear her crying now; loud, racking sobs. Before he could stop himself, he slipped quietly through the door, making sure it was sealed shut before advancing through her room.
He reached her bed and touched her face; sweat was pouring down her forehead, mixing with the tears streaming from her eyes. Her pale body was shaking and clutching her blanket as if she was holding on for dear life. He touched her once again, but she still remained the same.
He sat down next to her and conjured up a damp cloth, gently wiping her hot forehead with it. He didn't know how long he sat there; he only knew how helpless he felt as he continued to try to comfort Lily.
She woke up right before dawn. Seeing him sitting there, hovering above her, made her want to forget about James and go back to Severus; However, she knew she couldn't do that, no matter how much she wanted to.
"You're awake." He stated, looking down at her with fear in his eyes. "Are you ok?"
Lily shook her head, "I don't know… I was having these nightmares for the longest time. Did I wake you up? I'm sorry."
Severus helped her sit up, "No, I was still awake. You were screaming and – I just wanted to make sure you were ok."
Lily smiled gratefully, "Thank you. How long were you here?"
Severus checked his watch. "Around 3 and a half hours."
"Oh god, Sev… I'm sorry. You should go back to bed, I'm so sorry for making you come in here."
"You didn't make me do anything, Lil, I wanted to."
They were quiet for a moment, then she spoke up. "I missed you."
He smiled a bit, brushing his thumb against her cheek. "I missed you too baby."
She sighed, "Why don't you come in here more often?"
"I don't want this to be harder than it already is." Severus admitted. "I missed you so much it was painful seeing you."
Lily laid her head onto his shoulder, "I'm sorry baby… With you here, things are so much easier. Come visit me sometimes, ok? No one will find out, James doesn't know where my room is. I'd rather be here with you than him anyway."
There was a pause before Severus spoke. "How are you two doing?"
Lily smirked, "He's being a perfect gentleman, if that's what you mean. I think Papa put the fear of God in him. He's annoyingly sweet and insists on following me everywhere I go."
"Must be love." Severus scoffed, "Are you friends with Remus Lupin?"
Lily nodded, "Yeah, I talk to him a lot. He's the friendliest werewolf I've ever met."
Severus' eyes widened. "He's a werewolf? Is that why James held me back?"
"You mean they didn't tell you?"
"No… I always assumed there was some kind of creature… But never a werewolf."
Lily nodded, "Now don't you think any worse of Remus. Out of the four of them, he's the best. I think you two would actually get along, if you tried."
Severus smiled, "A Death Eater and a werewolf… It has potential."
There was silence once more. Lily scooted over, inviting him to lie down.
"Do you miss me?" she asked quietly, draping her arm over his stomach.
"No Lily, not at all. I can't sleep at night, I only eat to survive, and Everytime I see you and James together I feel like hurling… But I don't miss you."
Lily laughed, "Feel free to throw up on James. I'm sure he'd appreciate it."
"Nah, I'd have to clean up the mess afterward… Besides, I just might miss and hit you, and then you'd want a divorce."
"Me, divorce you? Never."
"What makes you so sure?"
"Because I love you more than anyone in the world and I can stand a little bit of puke."
"I love you too Lil, but I gotta tell you… If you ever intentionally throw up on me, you're getting the couch for at least an hour, before I miss you too much and make you come back to bed."
"A whole hour?"
"Ok, five minutes."
"Much better."