Lana
For the life of me, I can't figure out why I let him go… Or let him let me go. He insisted it was necessary, for the best if you must. God, I wish I could turn back time and warn him not to tell anyone… I don't blame him in the slightest. It's not his fault, if anything, it's mine for even letting something like that happen. Even if his father hadn't known, he would have eventually found out.
I married him… I let my guard down for one moment and fell in love harder than I've ever been. James was a schoolgirl crush at first; who wouldn't want to date the cutest guy in the school? It took me only two years to let him sleep with me. I regret that more than anything else I've ever done now. He took advantage of me for three years before I realized exactly what was going on. I loathed him at first, but now I've come to realize that even he can tone down the monster and become human for a minute or two.
I told him I wasn't going to sleep with him until we're married – a hard choice, but I figured that would require me to tell him where my room is, something I don't intend on doing, in fear of him showing up while Severus and I are together.
Severus… I feel so guilty, it's unbelievable. He told me I was the only one he would ever marry, no matter what the circumstances were. Me being with James made it ten times more difficult to hear. I love him with everything I have and I would give up my whole life just to be with him. Each night I strain to hear him open the door, and when he does, it's like my whole world disappears and all that's left is him. He's my husband; it's a difficult concept for me to grasp, even after nearly seven months. We never lived together, unless my room counts. We started a family, but that opportunity was swept out from underneath us. Instead of killing our love, it made us grow stronger, the glue between us dries harder and harder until our minds and hearts are inseparable. It's almost as if I can read his mind… At night, when I feel his heart beating against mine, all I can think about is how much I wish time would stop and we'd be able to lay like that forever, melting into each other.
We're a perfect fit; it's like I was made for him and he was made for me. He gives me strength and I give him hope, almost like a song. However, our life isn't a song, it's a nightmare. Each day I pray Voldemort will be defeated so I would be allowed to go back to Severus and live my life with him.
I love James, but not like I love Severus. Not even a fraction of the love I hold for Severus belongs to James; however, as I am to marry him in a week, I have no choice but to love him as a wife should. He wants children; my loyalty to Severus doesn't allow me to try for a baby. If destiny should have it, however, I shall be grateful for being blessed with a child, no matter who the father is. Once I am married to James, Severus and I will not be able to see each other as often as we do now. The two men loathe each other with a passion; they hate each other so much they are unable to stay in the same room for more than two minutes together without an argument breaking out. As much as I love Severus, he does provoke James into fighting. James takes the bait however, which makes him just as responsible.
Remus Lupin has been there every step of the way for me. Without him, I have no idea how I would have made it through. The night James proposed, I confided in Remus my thoughts and feelings. I was scared; I still am. Even now, my hand is shaking and I fear I will drop my quill. He is truly a good friend. I know I can count on him to be there if I need someone to talk to, if I need someone not to judge me and to listen to my thoughts and feelings with being biased.
James believes he owns me, as if I am property. It is his way of loving me, for that was how his family was run. Severus knows he has my heart, shut up inside his own heart, racing next to one another. He has not experienced any other love except for me, and I fear if he finds another woman better than me, I shall be replaced. He swears there is no other, but he has yet to take part of the real world, alone and seemingly single.
I am terrified to walk down that aisle. I have seven days until my life is at the fate of Lord Voldemort. He reins with such terror both Wizarding and Muggle worlds alike have never seen, at least not in this era. My grandfather is the leader of a small army of witches and wizards devoted to taking Voldemort down, stripping him of his life, power, and dignity. My only fear is he will attack Severus before I am able to live out my life with him; seven months together is nothing compared to the lifetime of love I expect to receive from him, and to give him in return.
I shall love James as a devoted wife should, until the moment my true loyalties come into play. I will play along with the hand of cards Life has handed me, until it is my turn to pick from the deck. I shall be Lily Potter as best I can. However, I will always be Lily Snape at heart, even if no one knows. Keeping him a secret is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but it is for the best. Letting him go shows how much I love him; allowing me to let him go shows how much he loves me. Both of us are equals in each other's eyes, and until the day I die, it shall stay that way.
Lillian Snape, June 27th, 1978.