Just Be
The timid tapping at his door was a surprise to Angel. Cordelia, Wesley and Gunn didn't knock; they
knew he wasn't going to answer the door so they didn't bother with the
formalities, not after they dismantled his lock anyway. They apologized, said they were worried when
he didn't come out and wouldn't talk to them for days. They didn't fix the door when they left.
At first they had sympathized and they'd tried to console
him. Then they lectured to him about
his duty and told him what Buffy would have wanted him to do. Cordy hadn't had a vision since the news
came so personally he didn't see what they were upset about. Maybe they were just anticipating future
trouble. They talked and talked and
talked and it was all meaningless babble beside the reality of Buffy being
dead.
After a few minutes the door opened and Fred tentatively
stepped inside. A shower, a change of
cloths and a hairbrush had transformed her from a feral creature to a youthful
scholar. The change was only an
illusion, she still moved like something hunted.
"I thought, maybe, seeing as how you're not busy… Well
you've been staring at the wall for better than a week now, I suppose that
might count as busy. But maybe you
wouldn't mind going walking with me?
I'm glad to be back and all of course, but it's a little scary going out
there. Very different, not right,
walking through dreams… One of the other would go with me, it's not like you
have to. Still I thought maybe you'd
like to… I don't know… move? Maybe find
a new wall before this one gets holes in it."
"Did they put you up to this?" Angel asked.
"This? Oh, asking
you to do something. No, they told me
it was pointless. I just thought… Well
you know what I said in Pylea? About
not minding if you don't want to talk.
I still don't mind. So well, you
don't have to, talk or come even. I
just thought… no harm asking."
Angel stood slowly and walked to the door, he turned and
looked back at Fred. "Are you coming?"
he asked.
She smiled, bright and fleeting then scampered across the
room to his side.
Aimlessly they wandered around the city. After the first few blocks Angel linked his
arm through Fred's to be sure she didn't accidentally wander into traffic while
she was gawking at the city. As they
walked Fred maintained a running commentary on everything. "The buildings, they're really as tall as I
imagined… remembered. Cows… I mean
people… humans… whatever, everywhere.
Look at all the people. No
collars either. Their heads won't get
blow off, right? Noise, lots of noise,
I don't like the noise. I remember
that. I liked the library, it didn't
have all this noise."
Occasionally she paused, in case Angel wanted to say
something or just to take a breath, Angel wasn't ever completely certain, but
true to her word she never seemed to mind when he didn't say anything, or that
he was lost in his own thoughts half the time.
"Oh!" Fred exclaimed in delight. "Taco Bell!" Eagerly she
pulled Angel into the fast food restaurant.
"I'd like a taco please," she informed the cashier firmly.
"Hard or soft?" he asked.
Fred gave the question the serious attention it deserved,
checked her funds, then answered decisively, "One of each."
The faintest ghost of a smile touched Angel's face at her
serious, childlike demeanor.
They sat down. Fred
unwrapped both her purchases, and then tried a bite of each, her expression
blissful. "Much better without the tree
bark," she commented.
After several minutes Fred set aside her food and said. "I don't mind if you do talk either, whatever
helps."
As they began the walk back to the Hyperion Angel said, "I'm
going to keep on fighting, you can tell the others that. When something comes up I'll be there for
them."
"They'll be happy to hear that. Why didn't you just tell them?"
Angel shrugged. "I
don't like being told how to mourn her.
Maybe Buffy wouldn't like how I'm coping, but it's what I feel like
doing."
"Staring holes in the wall?" Fred asked.
"Pretty much."
"Does it help?"
"Not really."
"Have you tried anything else?" Fred asked.
"No. I don't know
that I want to feel better," Angel said.
"Oh, do you mind that I, well, kinda dragged you away from
your wall?"
Angel looked down at Fred. "No, it was okay," he reassured
her.
Fred smiled and looked away shyly. "Well we could walk more, some other time, maybe."
"Maybe," Angel echoed.
