Aimee
It all happened so fast… No one could have known it was coming. Dumbledore insisted I didn't blame myself, but what other choice do I have? I lost him. I know I could have protected him some how…I just know it.
I had less than a year to truly get to know him, but what I knew of him was a gift beyond anything I had ever received. For the past year I have loved him even though I never got the chance to tell him. It is my worst regret; I never got to tell him how much I cared.
Dumbledore had destroyed Lord Voldemort immediately after he had killed him. I had an unspeakable amount of rage surge through me then; it was unexplainable, and it's still there. The fury that boiled inside of me was so intense that I had started to beat Voldemort's dead body lying on the ground next to his. Dumbledore had to tear me away from him, in fear of the body not being recognizable enough to present to the Ministry of Magic. What did I care? All that mattered to me was he was dead, and the second body lying on the ground had killed him.
The next three days were a blur of crying, visitors every waking hour, and funeral arrangements. Dumbledore rarely left my side, perhaps fearing I would swallow a vile of poison and just get it over with. During the past three days, the thought has played with me more often than not. He was dead, I no longer had anything to live for. It was bad enough when… but this… God, I couldn't even think straight.
Thinking. God, even thinking hurt. It reminded me too much of him. I heard him… We were talking right be died. God, I heard him….
He died a hero's death. He was much, much more than a hero though... So much more. There was so much inside of his mind very few people ever got the chance to see.
He died far too young and far too soon. It wasn't his time yet… it couldn't have been. He was too young… He wouldn't have been proud of the way he died, either. He would have at least wanted a duel. But no, the bastard couldn't even have the decency to provide him with the knowledge that he could have at least stood a chance.
Of all those conversations we had, none stood out in my mind, but I could remember each word he spoke to me. Each and every sentence, phrase, word, syllable, everything.
God, I don't even think anyone could begin to conceive of the maddening grief, the sorrow, the guilt, the unhappiness I felt. It only takes a moment to start to love someone, especially family, and God did I love him…
That day was the hardest of my life. Once the news got out, I had a constant stream of visitors, all of whom tried to comfort me. I never allowed them to touch me though. The could never understand, how could they? It was impossible… Absolutely impossible…
I didn't know what to do with myself. What was there? Grieve? Cry, perhaps? I had done enough of that already. Three days after he was killed, I was to attend his funeral. How was I supposed to do that? Even hearing his name made me break down to the point of tears until I knew I couldn't cry any more. There were no tears left to cry, but somehow I managed. I had never cried this much in my life; why now? I felt as if a part of me had died. He was a part of me, in a way.
Walking into the church where his coffin lay, up in the front near Dumbledore, was one of the hardest things I had ever had to do. It was amazing how much one year with him could change us.
I took a seat near the front, as I was supposed to deliver the Eulogy. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it, but I know he would have wanted me to try. Rage, guilt, and sadness all flowed through my veins as I saw many people come up to me and offer me their pity. I didn't need their pity; I just needed him back.
It was if a wall of steal had been set between my heart and the outside world. I couldn't feel anything – I made sure of that. Feeling was torture; knowing I could have saved him kills me each night, as I lay in my bed, tossing and turning. They all insisted it wasn't my fault, but why should I listen to them? They had never done anything for me. He was my everything; throughout the torments of my life, he was all I had left.
I looked down at a photo of him, my eyes quickly becoming blurred once again. They were all I had left; photos and memories. I was numb as Remus sat next to me, accompanied by Sirius in his dog form. I nodded towards them with such coldness I felt as if I had broken the friendship between us forever. However, Remus touched my shoulder with such sincerity that I quickly knew they understood what I was going through, or so they thought. Just as I had, they lost a dear member of their lives not only once, but three times now. They were all the same people; James, Lily, and him. It just wasn't the same… It just wasn't the same at all.
With trembling hands, I reviewed the piece of parchment in front of me, mouthing the words as quickly as I could. I didn't bother pushing the long black hair out of my eyes; the tears were enough to distract my vision. I waited as Dumbledore started speaking of his life; the good points and the bad. It was as if time had stopped; Each word slowly formed on his lips and was spoken with such grief I nearly bolted. However, as he finished, I slowly went up there and took my place in front of the church – his friends, his acquaintances, the students and staff of Hogwarts... Everyone.
God, I wished he was here with me. He was my strength; my support through everything I went through. The world had lost one of the greatest wizards I had ever known.
"It seems like only yesterday I was seeing him for the first time as the person he is… was… would have been… today. I remember locking eyes with him and immediately despising him, only because of the way he looked. Perhaps there was more, but at the time I couldn't locate it.
"Throughout the first five years I knew him, I thought he was an arrogant, self-centered twit. Many people disagreed with me, and I see now how wrong I was to be so quick to judge.
"He was a great person, both on the inside and out. We all have our flaws; his was from events that occurred that he couldn't control, but burdened him for the rest of his life. People either loved him or loathed him; I loathed him. If I had one wish, it would be to turn back time and get to know him better, as a person, not as the devil I first believed he was."
I breathed in deeply, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. "He was an amazing person, whether you truly knew him or not. For me, once I started to know the wizard underneath the skin, I was amazed at how he acted, who he was. He was amazing. He had the kind of aura around him very few people have, but everyone feels.
"I've only had the chance to truly know and understand him for the past year, but God what a year it's been. So many changes in so little time… But God, was I glad it happened.
"Headmaster Albus Dumbledore knew the truth about us for fifteen years; he knew we were father and son. I was terrified when I found out, but I was eager to get to know him. He was equally as excited and eager, and it showed. From that moment on, I never went back to loathing him; I had no reason to now. He was everything to me, he was the reason I woke up in the morning, I had no idea how I had survived all those years without him. To me, it seemed almost impossible.
"We both underwent changes that year; physically and emotionally. We were no longer empty, we had each other to go to during the hard times. We were each other's support system, even though neither of us would admit it.
"I never got a chance to tell him how grateful I was for him to accept me, how grateful I was that he didn't push me aside and cringe at the thought of us being related. I never got a chance to tell him how much I admired him… How much I loved him. The emotions I felt for him were far too confusing for me to understand at first, but as I slowly became accustomed to him, I learned how to distinguish these emotions.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, if there really is a heaven… and God I hope there is… then on August 8th, 1997, my father met the love of his love for the first time in nearly sixteen years. Severus and Lily Snape created me, and to this day I can not thank them both enough. For years I thought I was an orphan, but when he came along… God, he was the best father I could have ever asked for. I know he would be wondering what all the fuss was about, why everyone was crying for him and missing him, but he refused to see how much people really did care."
I turned towards his casket, looking at the cold, hard shell of the man who gave me life. Breathing in deeply, I touched his face gently, smoothing the stray hairs away from his closed eyes.
"I love you, Dad."
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things
got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in
the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna
be the one
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot
say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't
be heard
But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me
choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless
night
You gave me everything you had, oh you
gave me life
And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories*
*once again, Sarah McLachlan, I Will Remember You
A/N: Ok guys... I have to say something. Harry had a year to get to
know Severus; he also knew about his past and how he acted around Lily.
Based on what Harry knew of him and how I chose to portray Severus, this
is all the good stuff about Severs. We all know he's really an evil git,
but who knows how he was in the past? In the books, we only have Harry's
perspective of him. Therefore, how could anyone make a true judgement of
him? There has to be a reason Dumbledore trusts him.. And deep down inside,
I think he really does have Harry's best interests at heart. Don't believe
me? Read the books over again. Think of Snape as I portrayed him. It works.
I don't want any "THIS SUCKS!" or "I hate you.". In the next chapter,
fine, I don't care. But I don't want to have to get yelled at constantly...
In my story, this is how Severus really was. Harry got to see his past,
remember? He knew how he acted when Lily was alive, and in Harry's mind,
that's who he truly was.