Aimee
He came with good intentions; I had sent him a Christmas card and invited him over for the day, only to talk and visit. I had no idea what it would lead up to.
He conversed with the children for about an hour, finally asking to see me alone. I nodded and led him up to the Master Bedroom, knowing it was the only place we could speak alone.
He set me down and just looked into my eyes for a moment. It wasn't romantic; not in the least. It was a friendly gesture.
"How are you doing?" He knew I was often depressed. Even Severus had no idea; he was rarely home any more. It was partially my fault for making him take the job as the Potions Master at Hogwarts, but the time away from him was slowly killing me.
"Better… He's home for another few days." I smiled weakly. "Our anniversary was yesterday."
Remus smiled, "How many years?"
"Seventeen." I sighed, "It seems like forever though."
"I'm sure it does," Remus nodded, "It's half your life."
I smiled, "Yes, it is… But God Remus, every day it seems like we're slowly breaking apart, bit by bit. I don't even know how to explain it… He's more concerned with Harry now than he is with me and his own children."
"Harry is his child." Remus said quietly, "He's too afraid of losing him to take that gamble… Talk to him about it. Severus loves you more than any other human being on this planet, I'm sure of it."
I looked up at him, ashamed of the tears starting to form in my eyes. "I don't know anymore… He says that, but how do I know he's not off with some girl in Hogsmeade each night? How do I know I'm still the one he thinks about each day?"
"You have the tools." Remus said quietly, "You know you do."
I sighed once more, "God this is so hard… Seventeen years, right? He's never done anything to make me think he's unfaithful. Why do I feel this way? I love him as much as I ever have, but I just feel so uncertain."
"Lily, babe, it's much too soon for you to be having a midlife crisis." Remus joked feebly.
"Only Muggles have midlife crisis's." I sniffed, "But why?"
Remus paused, "Ask yourself why, Lil."
I thought for a moment, but nothing came to me. "I – I don't know."
"Think." He leaned in closer, and I could feel his hot breathe on my face.
I thought once more, but still no answers came. Instead, I did something I never should have done, nor had any reason to do.
I kissed him.
Instead of pulling back, he gave in to temptation; my mind screamed that this was wrong, but how wrong could something this sweet be? I felt nothing towards him. The thoughts that filled my head were only of Severus and his reaction if he ever found I out I did something such as this.
It was all me; I didn't allow him to stop, but I never wanted to go as far as we did. My body was screaming for me to stop, it was incredibly painful defying Severus like that. I needed this though; I needed to know if my emotions towards Severus were as real as this.
I felt the sunlight pour through the windows, spreading out across the black satin sheets that lay across the bed Remus and I were now on.
This is wrong… This is so incredibly wrong… Think of her husband, what's he going to say? He loves her, you're going to kill him… You're going to kill their relationship… Damn it, Remus, STOP.
I could hear him as well as if he was truly talking. I, however, held on tighter and kissed him harder. There was no passion behind it; just need. He was one of my three best friends, how could I do something like this with him? It wasn't him though… It was the anger, the frustration I felt with Severus. It wasn't love, it was the opposite. Aggression towards Severus ran through my body as I transferred it to Remus.
The poor man was as clueless as I was. I was terrified of Severus walking through that door as I knew he would in four hours, but I was convinced he would never know.
I was hurting myself. I was hurting Remus, I was hurting my family, my children, Severus. God, I was going to hurt Severus as much as learning Harry wasn't his son had hurt him… More, even.
They would never expect this. Never in their wildest dreams. I had no idea what I was doing, but soon we were both undressed and hands were running up and down our bodies. Still, there was no emotion, no human contact. Just anger and frustration.
My mouth separated from his briefly. I wasn't planning on speaking, however I didn't give myself a choice.
"Make love to me… Please, Remus…"
Oh God, why had I said that? I just sealed my fate. Why? Why, why, why… I didn't mean it.
He looked up at me with a pleading expression in his eyes. "Lily…"
"Please, Remus. He'll never know." Why had I said that? Why?
He finally gave in, almost as if he knew I needed it. Silently, he was cursing himself and going through many different scenarios in his mind, each worse than the last.
It was nothing compared to the emotion of contact Severus and I had; I soon realized that. There was no sense of fulfillment, only a feeling of dread that settled in my stomach once it was over. I took Severus' side of the bed, knowing he would take it even worse if he found Remus lying where he should. I didn't speak afterwards, only listened to Remus fight his consciousness.
I fell asleep soon after that, allowing Remus to try to comfort me as tears streamed down my face. He had no idea what I was feeling; I was disgusted with myself. It wasn't his fault in the least; I made him, he had little choice in the matter. There was no emotion, no love, no lust behind it. I felt emptier than I had in seventeen years, ever since Severus' daughter was taken from me. Had it really been that long? It seemed almost as if it was yesterday… Instead of running away, he proposed to me. I would never find a man more caring than that, more special… But I had just destroyed it. Why? Why did I have to do that? I felt as if I needed to defy him at first, but now that it was over, I felt terrible.
I was awakened perhaps an hour later by the sound of the door opening. It took a moment for all the memories to come flooding back into me, but once they had, I felt as if my insides were suddenly infested with snakes. I pulled the sheets over my body, ashamed for him to see me like that with another man.
I was trembling as I sat up; Would he hurt me? I deserved it. He lingered in the doorway, a shocked expression on his face
"Severus… you – you're home early." I stammered. Next to me, Remus sat up. I could hear him screaming at himself alongside Severus' confusion.
"Lily… you… him… how could you?" he spat out. He took a step back – No! He was leaving… He couldn't leave… No.
I jumped up, not caring if Remus saw my body. I threw on my robe and started towards Severus, guilt pounding through my veins. "Severus... please…"
Instead of stopping, he whipped out his wand and pointed it at me. I froze as he then aimed it towards Remus, then back at me. I was right; he was going to kill me.
"Don't you dare move." Severus hissed, his voice sounding more hateful than I had ever heard it. He then turned and ran out of the room, his black hair flowing behind him. I then looked at Remus, who had started putting his robes back on.
"Remus… I'm so, so, so sorry…" I said numbly, still trembling. He gave me an expression of pity, then tore after Severus. I sank back on to the bed, rocking back and forth, sobbing my eyes out.
"God… what have I done?"
Hey...Jaded.
You got your mama's style but your yesterday's child to me
So jaded
You think that's where it's at but is that where it's sposta be
You're gettin it all over me
X-rated
My my baby blue
I've been Thinking bout you, my my baby blue
Yeah you're so jaded
And I'm the one that jaded you
Hey jaded
In all its misery, it will always be what I loved
And hated, and maybe take a ride to the other side we're thinking
of
We'll slip into the velvet glove, and be jaded
My my baby blue
I've been thinking about you, my my baby blue
I'm so Jaded
And baby I'm afraid of you
You're thinking so complicated
I've had it all up to here
But it's so overrated, love and hate it, wouldn't trade it, love
me jaded
Hey, jaded
There ain't no baby please when I'm shooting the breeze with her
When everything you see is a blur
And ecstasy is what you prefer
My my baby blue...blue...blue
I've been Talking 'bout you
My my baby blue… blue...blue
Yeah I've been thinking about you
My my baby blue
Yeah you're so Jaded, Haven, Jaded, You're so Jaded
Cause I'm the one who jaded you.*
*Aerosmith, Jaded.