Aimee
Severus laid down on his bed and tried to clear his mind for a moment before he started. Knowing it would be painful, he had a goblet full of Dreamless Sleep potion sitting next to him on one of the night tables. He closed his eyes and sighed, trying his best to concentrate.
He hates you know, you do realize this, right? Why did you have to do that… Why Remus? Why couldn't you have waited to talk to Severus? You know he would never do anything like that… Why then? He did nothing to deserve this. He hates you… why did you do this?
All he's ever done to you is love you, and you go behind his back and f-ck Remus. He doesn't care that you didn't mean it; he doesn't care that you felt as if you were going to die of guilt and humiliation afterward. He doesn't care that Remus means nothing, that it was just a spur of the moment type thing.
He's never going to speak to you again. You're going to speak through lawyers, battling over rights to the mansion and the kids… Oh God, the kids. You have kids. This isn't fifteen years ago… You have children. You have his children. His children. He helped you create them. How are you going to explain this to them? To them, you are perfect. He is perfect any way you look at it; through the children's eyes, through your eyes… He is perfect. He hates you now.
He is – was? – your husband. He loves – loved? – you. He f-cking proposed to you at the exact time you needed it most. You slept with him voluntarily, after all that b-stard James did to you. You let him in… You let him see you for who you truly are. He let you in, helped you in your time of need, and never complained. Not once.
You couldn't handle him leaving. You coward. You bitch. You're the one who talked him into it, and three years later you learn you can't handle it. You can't handle the empty spot in the bed next to you; you can't handle the fact that you had to be the grown up. You couldn't handle having six children to look after. You couldn't handle it.
Now look at you… Crying, sobbing, dirty. Still in your robes. You haven't seen the children off to bed tonight, yet it's nearing midnight. You yell at Harry when he tries to see what's wrong – your own god damned son. You're a f-cking wreck, you can't even think straight. Yes, cut, maybe the blood will stain the sheets, making them as dirty as you are. You wouldn't dare though… you couldn't. You're a coward and you know it. You're too afraid of dying to kill yourself; far too afraid. But it looks like the answer, doesn't it?
Kill yourself and get it over with. Yes, the solution; the god damned solution. But now you're going to start playing "what if?" and you're not going to do it. You'll never be able to do it. You love him too much to even think about how much he'd hate you even more if you did that.
You slept with Remus. You felt him inside of you, you let him see parts of you only two other men have ever seen in your life. You cried when he f-cked you, you had Remus' body over you, yet all you thought about was Severus. How could you refrain from pushing Remus off and running like bloody hell out of the room?
Because you needed to know, that's why. You needed to know if you really love Severus. Now you know; you're laying her screaming at yourself and sobbing as hard as you ever have, wishing with all your might you had a time turner. You're sitting here wishing everything would be all right, wishing even Remus wasn't born. If Remus wasn't born, you'd still be with Severus. He'd be lying next to you right now, holding you as you talked to him and tried to tell him your feelings. He'd be loving you right now instead of loathing you.
How could you do something like that? You LOVE Severus… It's not a phase, from the moment you f-cking laid eyes on him you knew you were going to spend the rest of your f-cking life with him. Always. Forever. Never apart, even in death. You just f-cked up your chances, he's never going to talk to you again, never going to listen to you, never going to think of you, never going to touch you, never going to kiss you, never going to lay next to you and tell you everything's going to be all right.
You hurt him as much as James hurt you. You hurt him more than James hurt you. He's so hurt he didn't even bother asking you why; he didn't even want to look at your pathetic face, in fear some of your rottenness would somehow seep into his own mind.
Listen to him; he's even blocked you out from being able to hear his thoughts. It's echoes, all echoes. You can still feel him though; torture yourself, you deserve it. You can feel the hollowness and emptiness he's feeling, you can feel the pain. You can feel the betrayal; you can feel the absolute surge of… something. What is that? Hate? No, it's not hate… It's as if… pity, almost… but not quite. Loneliness? Yes, perhaps. He hates you, he's just hiding it well.
God I wish I could talk to him… God damn everything. Why did this have to happen? I wasn't in my right state of mind. I needed to know… I love him, God do I ever love him… He's never going to forgive me. Never. He's much too perfect to take scum like you back, especially after what you did… He won't understand that it meant nothing, because I'll be damned if it didn't look like nothing. The look on his face… God, it was as if he had died. I felt him; I could feel his heart die when he saw Remus in your spot…
Your spot. You were in his spot… No one could ever take his place, ever. He's irreplaceable, and you just threw it out the window. Stupid girl… Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid –
God damn it Lily, if you call yourself stupid one more time, I'll promise you I'll never come back.
There was a pause before Lily responded.
Severus?
Yes.
Oh God, Sev –
Save it, Lily. I just heard everything.
I'm so, so, so incredibly sorry, I swear Remus means nothing – it was a mistake, a total act of stupidity, I didn't mean –
That still doesn't make up for what you did. I trusted you Lily… you knew that if you had a problem with me being away, I would have quit. You knew that.
But – but you love teaching, and I didn't think –
Yes, you definitely didn't think.
Severus, I'm so, so, so incredibly sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen, it just –
How long as this relationship with Remus been going on?
It was the first time, Severus, the first and only time, you have to believe me –
Why though?
I don't know why, I just… I … I don't know. I can't explain it.
You could show me.
But… Are you sure? I can't right now though… I – I can barely sit up, I don't know…
Later, then, once we've both cooled down.
Ok, Sev – God, I'm so sorry.
Get some rest. If I feel the need to, I'll come home tomorrow to talk to you. I need to know why, Lil.
I'll tell you – I'll show you. I'll do anything, just please come home.
I'll try, Lily.
Ok, thank you… Bye Sev, I love you so, so, so much…
Severus didn't reply. Instead, he allowed his mind
to slip into a dreamless state of slumber, Lily's voice still echoing
in his head.