This took me literally the whole day to write... I deleted parts, I rewrote it, and it took me about fifteen minutes a line, rethinking everything. Jeez... It's just a chapter, right? Wonder if any of you guys are as obsessed with reading this story as I am with writing it... It'll pass, though, once I finish.
Aimee
Severus stood in front of the gate to his home, his mind whirling in anticipation. Should he? Should he leave? Should he stay? Should he just wait for her to find him? Should he go up to her and hug her and tell her everything was all right, like he wanted to?
No, he couldn't, because it wasn't all right. She had done something that had the potential to completely destroy their relationship, she didn't deserve being forgiven.
This quickly, at least.
Why didn't he see it coming? Why wasn't he there? He should have been there. He should have been there for Lily, so nothing like this would have ever happened.
Yet Lily should have told him. She could have talked to him, told him how she felt, but she didn't. Was she too afraid, or simply too cowardly? Whose fault was it; his or hers?
Hers, of course. But why didn't he see it? He should have… They had six children, he could spend time with each and every one of them, but the nights belonged to his wife. The nights where all they had to concentrate on were each other… God, how could she have done that? Didn't she understand how much she meant to him?
There was no question in his mind; he loved her more than anything, including all of their children combined. He would have eagerly volunteered himself to a life of the Unforgivable Curses if it meant she was happy.
She wasn't happy now; Severus could feel it. She felt empty, drained, lifeless almost. Had him leaving caused this? Had he hurt his wife more than she had hurt him?
No, she had hurt herself. He wouldn't have left if it hadn't been for her. He knew she would give up on life if he didn't return; what was it? Return and swallow his pride, forgive her for something she didn't deserve forgiving for, or leave. Leave her, leave the children, leave his whole life behind. Let her slowly wither away into nothing, let the flower she was die.
For that's what she was; a flower. Severus was her sunlight, he was what made her thrive. The connection between them was too powerful for even them to understand. There was something almost… magical about their relationship, as if they were both subjected to Love Potions. There was no question that Severus loved her; the question was if she loved him as much as he loved her.
He knew the answer. She did; one moment of weakness wasn't nearly enough to destroy nearly twenty years worth of love.
Had it truly been that long? It seemed like just yesterday he saw her for the first time. He didn't love her then; how could he? He felt desire, yes, perhaps lust, but true love wasn't there until the first time they slept together. From then on, he knew he was just as much a part of her as she was a part of him. They were whole together; apart, there was no reason for them to exist. Hollow, shapeless beings completely engulfed with their mate. He constantly tortured himself with the thought if he hadn't been there that night; if she hadn't come down and saved herself from Voldemort. It was all a distant memory, but the thought of her body lying on the ground haunted him day and night. What if?
He sucked in his breath and slowly opened the gate of the Snape Mansion, stepping inside carefully. The rocky pathway leading to the large French doors seemed miles away, yet the moment he took his first step, he seemed to be halfway there.
To him, it was the Green Mile; a sentence too horrible to imagine awaited him once he reached the front doors, but once they had passed, his destiny was uncertain.
One more step… Two… Three… he was there. He knocked once, and almost immediately the doors swung open, revealing a dingy looking house elf.
"Sir, Madam is in the Master bedroom. She wishes for me to inform you it has been properly cleaned and you are to meet her up there." The elf squeaked. Severus nodded in reply and thanked the small creature.
The Grand Staircase – another hurtle he had to overcome. Why was Lily making this so difficult for him?
Because I can't get out of bed, Severus.
He smirked. She had been listening after all. He slowly made his way up the thirty or so steps, stopping when he reached the landing.
And why is it so impossible for you to move?
He walked down the hallway, forcing himself to put one foot in front of the other.
It hurts too much.
Almost instantly, a wave of pain swept over him like he had never experienced; this was worse than the Cruciatus Curse, even. How had she done this to herself? He fell to his knees, clutching his head.
Lily… stop it…
Suddenly, the pain let up. Severus sighed and stood up once more, making his way to the end of the hallway, where the Master Bedroom was located. He turned the handle slowly, not knowing what to expect.
She saw her lying there on their bed, her knees drawn up to her chest. The pain immediately shot through Severus' spine, and he barely made it to a close-by armchair.
"Lily, stop it." He hissed, leaning over slightly.
I can't…
He looked up at her and raised his wand. Muttering a few choice words, the pain vanished. She sat up, her eyes avoiding his hawk-like stare.
"I thought you loved me."
She wasn't one to cry easily; however, for the past twenty four hours, it seemed like that was all she had been doing. Tears started streaming down her face once more and she feebly attempted to wipe them away with the back of her hand.
"I do… More than anything… Remus meant nothing, I don't even know why it happened. It was just sex; there was no emotion behind it, just flesh. I swear, all I was thinking about was you." She said softly, turning her green eyes up towards Severus' black ones.
"Why were you in so much pain?" Severus' voice had softened a bit, and he slowly stood up, taking a step towards the bed.
"He hurt me." Lily whispered, "I hurt myself."
"How did he hurt you?" he said quietly, as if speaking to a child.
She shook her head, "I can't say it without sounding dirty."
He nodded, understanding. "Lily, did you want it?"
She shook her head, "I didn't know what I wanted, Severus."
He nodded once more, sitting next to her. "Show me."
She looked up at me once more, her tear-stained cheeks turning red. "You'd get it from my point of – contact, Severus."
"Well, you experience different things each day." he shrugged. "Now show me."
Before Severus had time to move away, she leaned over and kissed him. Immediately, the scene that had occurred less than a day ago flashed through Severus' mind, her emotions – or lack thereof – filling his soul, the pain she had experienced branching out through his body, sweeping over his mind to the very tips of his fingers. He could feel exactly what she had gone through, as unwelcomed as the feeling was.
He opened his eyes briefly before returning the kiss – this time, however, he fed his emotions, his feelings, his thoughts into her body and soul. He could feel her shuddering beneath him as he refused to break contact. However, after a minute of this, she finally backed away.
"Lily, you made him do it." Severus said quietly.
She looked at his, confused. "What?"
"Your mind – " he started, " – you can control minds, just as I can."
She looks bewildered, "But how?"
"You did it unconsciously," he said, "without realizing you were even doing so."
She sighed, "Sev, God, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen… Don't blame Remus, you know it was my fault."
Severus shook his head, "It was my fault in the first place – I gave you the power to make someone do exactly as you pleased."
"It's my fault for wanting it." She whispered, "Even though I don't know why I did, nor even recognized the fact I did. I still can't believe I wanted something as horrendous as that."
"It still happened, whether you wanted it or not." Severus said quietly, "Do you swear to me you will never do anything like that again? Ever?"
The tears once again started flowing. "Yes, God yes… I swear on my life I'll never even think about doing anything that would make you hurt as much as that… God, I'm so, so sorry."
Severus paused, afraid to touch her. "I'm resigning as Potions Master at the end of the term. The thought of it driving you to do something like that – it's simply not worth it."
She smiled feebly, "Thank you, Sev."
"You're welcome." He gave her a half-smile, still not daring to touch her. "Are you going to be ok?"
"In time," she shrugged. "In a matter of a moment, guilt became my best friend, and he's bent on not leaving me."
Severus shook his head, "Guilt chooses the most worthy candidates, Lily. Live it out."
She nodded, sighing. "I wish there was a way I could make it up to you…"
"There is." Severus said softly, "But until I find what it is, just make sure the kids never find out."
She nodded, "They never will."
Promise?
"Promise."
'Til my body is dust
'Til my soul is no more
I will love you, love you
'Til the sun starts to cry
And the moon turns to rust
I will love you, love you
But I need to know - will you
Stay for all time...
Forever and a day
Then I'll give my heart 'til the
End of all time...
Forever and a day
'Til my body is dust
'Til my soul is no more
I will love you, love you
'Til the sun starts to cry
And the moon turns to rust
I will love you, love you
But I need to know - will you
Stay for all time...
Forever and a day
Then I'll give my heart 'til the
End of all time...
Forever and a day
'Til the storms fill my eyes
And we touch the last time
I will love you, love you...*
*Fisher, I Will Love You (have I already used this one? I know I had the lyrics bookmarked...)