Aimee
Severus was gone, once again. Left for Hogwarts… We talk periodically, yes, but I haven't visited him yet. Too afraid. We haven't slept together since he caught Remus and I – together… That one time still haunts my mind. It's like a picture that follows me constantly, and what's worse is I can still feel him. He's all around me, like a hated obsession. I don't think Severus realized how much I needed him. His touch, the feeling of his skin on mine, anything to get rid of Remus.
I felt like territory, almost. Scarred and marked until the next settler comes along and plows his field. I needed to feel as if I belonged to Severus, and until I could feel him under my skin, I was Remus's.
I finally worked up the courage to visit him on January 24th, the anniversary of our last night as a married couple. He was once again grading papers as I whispered the password to the portrait and climbed inside. He was in his bathrobe and his hair was wet and pulled into a tight ponytail, and he was hunched over his desk, talking to himself.
He assumed I was either Harry or Dumbledore, as he straightened up a bit but didn't bother to turn around.
"I'll be right with you." He said, "Just checking the Fifth Year exams."
I sat down on the bed, his back facing me. I then started to unbutton my robes, leaving the black shirt underneath completely revealed. I allowed the robe to slide down to the floor. I took off my shoes quietly, setting them next to the bed. I then walked to the opposite corner of the room to grab a robe that was hanging from a peg near the door, and quickly slid out of my jeans and shirt and into the robe. I smirked as I crawled silently back on to the bed, curling up and closing my eyes.
"Ethan, if that's you, go back to your dormitories. Your mother would have a fit if she knew about you sneaking in here all the time." Severus said quietly, still not looking up.
I didn't say a word, I only waited for him to make his move. I propped myself up on my elbows, a smile dancing across my face. A few minutes, he leaned back and sighed.
"You're making me extremely uncomfortable."
I smirked, "Really? My complete apologizes."
He whirled around then, his mouth slightly agape. I smiled, sitting up.
"I would have just undressed completely, but what would be the fun in that?"
His expression slowly changed from that of shock to one of humor. "Well, I'm watching now."
I shook my head, "Oh no, gentlemen first."
He grinned and made his way through the pile of clothing to the bed. "To what do I owe this honor?"
I crawled forward, my face level with his as he knelt next to the bed. "I missed you. Isn't a girl allowed to miss her husband?"
"Of course." He kissed my forehead, "However, I'm quite sure I missed you more."
I shook my head, "Impossible."
He kissed me once again, "So were you really just lonely or did you miss me?"
"You know I missed you." I kissed him back, happiness filling me. "But it's lonely there without you, too."
"You have the kids to keep you company."
I smirked, "Them? They're cute, but after the usual five tantrums before ten in the morning, they get quite tiring."
"But you love them."
"In a way only a mother could." I pulled on his robe lightly, scooting over to make room for him.
"Harry and Ethan have complete access to this room." Severus warned, "They could walk in at any time."
I reached over for my wand, flicking it lightly towards the door. "Not anymore."
He grinned devilishly, "And what, pray tell, did you just do?"
"Lock charm" I said, "Easily countered."
"Well counter this…" he slid down next to me, kissing my neck.
I missed you, baby.
I missed you far more than I could ever tell you, Sev.
Yet it's been less than a month.
A month can be forever.
Then forevers come and go?
Not the one we have, Sev.
I thought so.
Severus awoke to an empty bed the next morning; I made sure of it. I cringed as I wrote my feelings down, what had happened that I was too terrified to tell him about. What I knew.
He would awake to the hollow spot where I had lain only a few hours before. He would wonder where I was; he always did if I woke up before him. Then, he would find the note and read it. He would read it with anticipation at first, then slowly dread would start to creep in – or perhaps happiness? He would sigh and set it down once he was finished, then try to talk to me. I wasn't going to listen though…
What I didn't know is how he reacted. Even from a
distance, I could feel the rage boiling inside him, threatening to overspill.
I could feel the pain in his chest, I could hear the thoughts in his head
as they ran through mine… But I never responded.
Severus did indeed wake up to an empty bed, but before he could wonder where she was, he saw the note – a piece of parchment glistening with black ink that had come from his own quills. He picked it up carefully, rubbing his eyes before he started reading.
Dear Sev,
Don't be mad that I left you this morning before waking you up; I didn't want to have to see your reaction when you realized you've taken me back. Thank you.
When the –situation– with Remus occurred, I felt dirtier than James ever made me feel – ever. I wanted to burn myself just to get rid of the filth I was. The pain was immense; I made him a bit too vicious, I believe. It was my fault; I know it and I'll never forget it.
When I'm with you, you make everything disappear. Everything that's bothering me, everything I feel is a problem or a burden, disappears. The world around us dissolves, and all that's left is you and me. You complete me, Severus. Without you, I wouldn't exist. You are my everything; my world, the father to my children including Harry, the one person in the world I feel as if I can trust… I love you.
What I came here last night to tell you was this; I'm pregnant. Papa confirmed it before I visited you. I asked him who the father was… I'm sorry Sev, but he refused to tell me. He said I had gotten myself into this mess and it wasn't his duty to get me out of it. I made him swear he'll tell me though… Perhaps it won't come to that. Perhaps the baby's features will tell us… God Sev, I'm so, so sorry. Even as I write this, I'm crying. I won't expect you to take in this child if we know it's Remus'. That's asking far too much of you… If you wish, I could give it up. I will, if it means you staying with me. Please, don't be mad… I wish with all my heart it's yours, but if it comes to that… I swear, I'd rather have it drowned than you leaving me.
There is far more of a chance this baby's yours, just of the timing and such, but I wanted to make you aware of the possibility it might not be. Please… Don't be mad.
I love you,
Lily
Rage surged through Severus' body as he dropped the
note, his hands trembling too much for him to grip the piece of parchment.
He turned to the nearest thing – a wooden chair – and with one swift movement,
turned it into a pile of splinters.
You can only push someone so far
You can only break so many hearts
We used to be love one another
Now it's lust for your lover
Baby, I was trying to burn bridges of stone
You can only wait
You can only wait so long
You can only wait
You can only wait so long
In this game we play, can't tell right from wrong
You can only wait so long
Here come the memories of yesterday
Here's the poetry, of all those things I couldn't even say
You can only wait so long
Before your flower petals are all gone
Baby, I was trying to burn bridges of stone
Ain't nobody crying for what used to be home
You can only wait
You can only wait so long
You can only wait
You can only wait so long
In this game we play, can't tell right from wrong
You can only wait so long
Why couldn't you hold on to me?
I was right here, layin' in our bed
Said,
Walked in on the pain I didn't see
All those things I never should of said
You can only push someone so far
You can only break so many hearts
You can only wait so long
Before your flower petals are all gone
Baby, I was trying to burn bridges of stone.
You can only wait
You can only wait so long
You can only wait
You can only wait so long
In this game we play, can't tell right from wrong
You can only wait so long
Why couldn't you call out for me?
It's not like I was ever far away
Said,
Tie me to the edge and start to leave
There's nothing left here
But a million words to say
We all have memories
And I have spent my time in vain
Here's to our enemies
And I will leave you with no pain
We will find a way somehow
In this running just to know goodbye
Baby, I was trying to burn bridges of stone
You won't find me crying for what used to be home
You can only wait
You can only wait so long
You can only wait
You can only wait so long
In this game we play, can't tell right from wrong
You can only wait so long
In this game we play
We can't tell right from wrong
Cause you can only wait so long
In this game we play
We can't tell right from wrong
Cause you can only wait so long*
*Hanson, Bridge Of Stone