Aimee
"Where did I go wrong?"
Sirius Black looked up at me and set down his fork.
"Damnit, Remus… How many times do I have to tell you? It's not your fault."
I shook my head. How could it not be my fault? It was my fault all of this happened in the first place. I got her pregnant… She came to me, wanting to tell me… and now she has to endure the monthly curse I've lived with for thirty years. The pain, the torment, the torture that came with it… I had done that to her.
"Get over it, Remus. There's nothing you can do. You heard Severus – they're his children unless proved otherwise." Sirius said quietly, looking back down at his plate.
"God damnit, Sirius… Don't you understand? It's my fault she's going to be screaming two weeks from now, having all 206 bones in her body broken and reformed, turning her into a goddamned werewolf. You've never gone through the process, so it's silly of me to think you might be able to see where I'm coming from." I said quickly.
"Wolfsbane will help with the pain." Sirius said quietly.
"Yes, the physical pain." I snapped, "But not the mental pain. The feeling of turning into a wolf, Sirius, is unlike being an Animagi. You feel no pain; we feel our bones breaking, our muscles stretching and tearing to fit our new form, our skin stretching, our features changing – all because of the silver orb that hangs completely visible in the sky once a month."
"There was nothing you could have done." Sirius said, louder this time. "You couldn't help it; even you admit to that."
"Still… If I hadn't given her a reason to come here at dusk, she wouldn't be in the state she is in now." I shook my head once more.
"Then why hasn't she shunned you? Sent you a letter telling you how much she hates you for being what you are? You couldn't help yourself, Remus. It was instinct."
"Instinct to tear one of my best friend's arms to shreds? Instinct to try and kill her? Instinct to act as if she was my prey?"
"But she WAS your prey!" Sirius exclaimed, "You know that. She is human, and she was within your sense of smell. Therefore, that makes her your prey."
"Why have I been cursed? Is God punishing me?" I sighed, feeling defeated. "I've destroyed her life, her family's lives… Their mother's a werewolf. How do you believe they're going to react to this?"
"Knowing Severus, they'll never know." Sirius answered, "He's far too protective of her to ever let anyone treat her as an outcast, or even know about this. You heard him."
"Yes, I did." I said, "And why do I feel as if it should be me saying those things?"
"You bit her." Sirius said softly, "You are possibly the father to the child she is carrying. You feel responsible."
"No," I shook my head, "It's more. Sirius, as a boy, I think all four of us fancied Lily at one time or another, yes?"
Sirius added, "James and I battled it out. He won, of course."
"You and I are the only two left; If you had the chance to sleep with her, would you?" I asked.
Sirius thought about this for a moment. "Yes, I would."
"Afterwards, would you feel as if… as if you two had something… special, perhaps?" I questioned slowly.
Once again, Sirius took his time thinking about this. Finally, he nodded. "Yes… Any woman I shared myself with, I would feel as if we had something special, as you call it."
"We aren't teenagers anymore," I sighed, "Rather adults. She is second only to you as my friend, and to ruin such a beautiful friendship was more than I ever wanted to do. However, I feel as if –"
"As if you should have some part in this." Sirius finished for me. I nodded.
"I feel as if I could now be accepted – fully – by someone. She's just like me now; a werewolf. The loneliest creature on Earth finally has somebody he can relate to." I said, bowing my head slightly.
"And Severus is keeping her under lock and key." Sirius said, "She's at Hogwarts. She has been since she was bitten… I've seen her multiple times."
I looked up, "Why at Hogwarts?"
"Severus is there… Dumbledore is there… Harry is there… Ethan is there…" Sirius shrugged, "Who knows?"
I nodded slowly, "Wolfsbane. And I'm sure he wants to keep an eye on her, making sure her and the baby's ok."
"Yes, I'm sure of it." Sirius answered.
"Why do I feel so dejected, Sirius?" I asked after a minute or two. "What did she do to me that makes me want to do something crazy?"
"Like what?" Sirius asked.
"It's as if I'd jump off a bridge if she asked me to." I sighed, "Why?"
"Human connection." Sirius answered, "Human touch; you're not used to it. The first person who gives you the feeling of wanting, the feeling of being wanted, will forever stay in your mind."
I looked up at him, confused. "Like a first kiss?"
"Yes, exactly like a first kiss. You remember yours, yes?" he asked me.
I thought for a moment, then nodded. "Narcissa Malfoy, on a dare."
Sirius looked up at me, a surprised look on his face. "Narcissa Malfoy? Good Lord, Remus. No wonder you're so scarred."
I laughed, "No, she was quite good, actually."
"I hear she's a widow now." Sirius said quietly.
"As good as one," I answered. "Lucius received the Dementor's Kiss a few years ago, yes?"
"Yes, after trying to escape." Sirius shook his head, "Poor fool."
"Do you remember Draco Malfoy?" I asked suddenly.
"Yes, of course. He's my student." Sirius said, "Why?"
"He never did get along with Harry, did he?"
Sirius shook his head, "No. Draco actually –" Before he could finish, Sirius started to chuckle.
"What?" I asked impatiently.
"The Dragon kissed the Boy Who Lived in front of the whole school." Sirius laughed at the memory.
"Draco Malfoy kissed Harry Snape in front of the school?" I asked, unable to suppress a grin. "Why?"
"No one really knows… Earlier this year. It came as quite a shock, but Harry insists Hermione is the only person he's interested in."
I chuckled, "Poor boy."
"Who? Harry or Draco?"
"Draco." I answered, "For having to kiss the son of James Potter."
Sirius threw his head back and laughed, "Perhaps Harry will start to sneak into Draco's dorm now?"
I did not return the laugh; "You know he raped her, yes?"
Sirius fell silent. "No, I didn't."
"As good a friend as James was, he was a terrible
boyfriend to Lily." I shook my head at the thought, "You knew he hit her;
I believe the whole House did. She confessed in me many times what went
on those nights James snuck out of our room. She said she felt dirty, as
if there were millions of bugs crawling all over her and inside her that
she couldn't wash away."
Sirius sighed, "I felt terrible afterwards for not saying anything to Professor McGonagall or Professor Dumbledore. Things might have turned out differently then."
I paused, "Do you think she felt that way after what happened with her and I?"
Sirius shrugged, "Perhaps. However, who's to say she didn't enjoy it?"
"Sirius, she was crying." I said quietly. "I would
have stopped, but for some ungodly reason, I couldn't. I tried to make
myself, but it was as if an invisible hand was holding me there."
"Lovely mental image, Remus." Sirius shook his head,
"Thanks."
"You're welcome, Padfoot." I smirked, "But still… I feel as if she hates me."
"She certainly has the grounds to, Mooney." Sirius said, "But I highly doubt any creature, human or werewolf, could ever possibly hate you."
"Severus hated me." I said calmly, "Before he knew I knew about him and Lily."
"He didn't hate you because of you." Sirius said, "He hated you because of what I did – or tried to do – to him. I guess James was good for one thing."
"And what was that?" I asked.
"He saved Severus' life."
"Good point." I nodded.
Sirius suddenly checked his watch, then stood up. "It's nearly dusk. I should return to the castle. Will you be all right here on your own?"
I laughed, "Sirius, I've lived here for twenty years on my own. I'm sure I can handle one more night."
With that, Sirius nodded. "Goodbye, then."
"Goodbye Padfoot." I smiled, "Sleep well."