Celebrity Deathmatch: Anime Style!
Episode 4,or maybe the final episode!
Goku and Vegeta sit in the announcer's booth. Goku speaks first.
"Hello folks, Im Son-Goku..."
Vegeta cuts in.
"And Im Vegeta..."
"And tonight we have a great show for you folks! Well, I mean we have to...."
Vegeta brings up a TV screen.
"For those who missed last week's episode, that moron Captain Ginyu summoned the almighty fanfiction writer to save his life. Instead, The Author told us that if we didn't provide a great show tonight, our universe would come to an end!"
Goku pans the screen over to the stadium.
"For this reason, the world of fanfiction anime has gone all out to produce the most kickass deathmatch fic of all time. The old stadium has been replaced by this, an absurdly huge and 800,000 seat stadium, complete with every conceivable amenity possible."
Goku points to the arena floor.
"And now we have our first event of the day, The cast of Pokemon VS. The Pokemon of Pokemon!"
Mills Lane, who obviously has seen "Gladiator" one time too many puts on a ridiculous wig and shouts loudly.
"His Sayain Majesty is proud to present, The human characters of Pokemon with Pikachu and Meowth!"
A huge gate opens on one side of the stadium, admiting Ash, Misty, Brock, Tracy, Professor Oak, Professor Elm, Jessie, James, Meowth, Pikachu and all the extra and throwaway human characters. Everyone looks really worried. Mills points toward a far larger gate and shouts again.
"And now, his imperial majesty has the pleasure to present, The Pokemon of Pokemon!"
The gates swing open and out storms at least 10,000 fully evolved level 100 pokemon. Leading them is an extremely angry looking Mewtwo. Mills shouts again.
"Ok, I want a good clean fight, now lets get it on!"
Mewtwo shouts at the humans opposite them.
"Your rule of irritating boredom over this so-called anime is no more! Your capitalist exploitation of ignorant parents and insane unbalanced eight year olds ends now! My brethren, CHARGE!"
The elite Pokemon charge forward and quickly smash like a storm into the crowd of people. Golems flatten, Charizards incinerate, Zapdos electrocute, Venasaurs poison, Blastoise drown, Pincers crush, Scythers slice, and Machamps rip, massacring the humans. Mewtwos shouts are heard above the fray.
"No one touches the regulars, they belong to me!"
After another 15 minutes of carnage, the only standing humans are restrained by a crowd of angry Machamps. The only survivors are Ash, Misty, Brock, Tracy, Pikachu, Jessie, James, Meowth and Professor Oak (Professor Elm was accidentally ripped apart by two dozen irritated Snorlax). Mewtwo goes over to the prisoners. He paces back and forth, his personal elite body guard of 100 Electrodes standing in a neat row behind him.
"Brock, for crimes against Pokemon and having those damn squinty eyes, electricity shall now be passed through your body until such time as you are dead"
The Electrodes roll out and having charged up, ZAAPPP Brock until hes good and dead. Mewtwo moves along.
"Tracy, I don't think I even need to say anything"
ZAAAAAPPPPPPPP
"James you are such a freaking wuss it makes me sick. And your voice!"
ZZZAAAAAAAAPPPPPP
"Professor Oak, you are responsible for the start of all this madness!"
ZZZAAAAAPPPPPP
"Meowth, your voice is a crime against all living creatures everywhere!"
ZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPP
"Pikachu, you evil quisling turncoat, you are responsible for more crimes then any Pokemon ever!"
Pikachu breaks away from his guards and runs for the arena exit. Mewtwo motions for his guards to stay back.
"I've got him......HYPERBEAM!"
The giant beam of energy shoots through the air, striking Pikachu as he dives for the gate. There's a monstrous explosion and a faint shout of...
"Pika........."
Pikachu disintegrates. Mewtwo turns to Ash.
"As for you, the evilest villain in anime history, your end is thus!"
Mewtwo starts glowing and floating.
"PSYCHIC"
Ash screams in the greatest degree of pain, then his head explodes in a red haze. Mewtwo turns to the two remaining prisoners.
"As for you, you shall be spared, as long as you take this oath, to be ordinary shapely anime vixens from now on, and increase your slutiness quotient by 500%"
Misty and Jessie rush forward and sign the pledge then rush out of the arena to get some over-revealing leather suits. Mewtwo holds his hands up in two Victory symbols.
"I am the new chancellor of the Provisional Communist Republic of Pokemon, and I promise a new era of free wheeling world domination, free of pokeballs!"
The Pokemon soldiers cheer and the entire force wheels and leaves the arena. Vegeta and Goku speak in unison.
"Best damn fight ever!"
Vegeta gets mad at Goku and punches him in the eye. Goku gets mad at Vegeta imitating him and punches him in the eye. Then they realize they need to continue the broadcast to save their lives, and turn back to the cameras. Goku speaks.
"And now we have a three-way bout, Keichi Moristao VS. Tenchi Muyo VS.Ranma Satome!"
Vegeta rubs his hands together and smiles.
"Whoever wins this bout will not get a decent nights sleep for the rest of his life, as he will be winning all the eligible women from his show and his two counterparts shows!"
"The pool of women is as follows...the winner take's Ryoko, Ayeka, Washu, Kiyone, Mihoshi, Nagi, Urd, Belldandy, Shampoo, Ukeki and Akane!"
Vegeta gets mad and tries to leave the booth.
"Im going to fight in this fight! Those little wussies can't satisfy women that good!"
Goku pins him and holds him so he can't get out of the announcer's booth.
"If we don't stay and host the show we all die!"
Vegeta struggles and points at the ring.
"So what! I want a piece of that there high quality As..."
Goku signals for the camera man to cut the audio feed. There is another five seconds of Vegeta making "Suggestive" gestures toward the prize box, then the video feed cuts to the center of the Arena. Keichi, Tenchi and Ranma are arrayed in the center of the huge open arena floor. Tenchi is dressed in full Jurain battle garb, Ranma is wearing his karate Gi and Keichi is simply standing in his ordinary clothes. Ranma looks at Keichi and laughs.
"Ha-Ha, yer gonna get your butt whipped college boy!"
Mills stands in the center of the floor and signals to the three guys.
"Ok, I want a good clean fight, and the man who wins will be getting it on from now on. Now lets get it on!"
Mills runs out of the battle area and Ranma charges toward Keichi.
"This will be a piece of cake, you wussy!"
As Ranmas about to hit him, Keichi pulls a spray bottle from behind his back and sprays Ranma with water. Ranma of course turns into a girl. Mills runs into the ring.
"So you were really a girl all along!"
Ranma looks horrendously mad.
"No, it's the curse of the red-haired girl!"
Mills is not impressed.
"Dis-Qualified!"
Ranma is jumping up and down and protesting. Suddenly Kodanashi jumps out of the crowd and runs toward him.
"Don't worry Ranma, I still love you!"
Ranma runs in terror out of the arena with Kodanashi behind him. As Keichi and Tenchi look at each other, ready to join battle, the voice of "The Ultimate Force" sounds from the sky.
"Ok, this fight is going to be sort of boring so I'll just decide by fiat who will win."
Both combatants stand stock still. For a moment The Ultimate Force thinks.
"Actually, despite all the true love and stuff, Keichi is a real wuss so Tenchi wins"
Tenchi jumps up and down joyously until the gals storm out of the prize box with him carried on their shoulders. The Ultimate Force looks down at Keichi.
"Don't be too sad Keichi, heres your consolation prize!"
Skuld appears out of the sky and lands on Keichis head. She's irrate and starts beating him severely.
"You idiot, you Baka, you filthy loser, because you lost, I have to spend all eternity with your stinking mortal butt!"
Keichi flees with Skuld hot on his heels. Mills steps into the ring.
"By divine judgement, Tenchi Muyo is the winner!"
Tenchi is carried into the center of the ring and an assistant carries a priest's robe out to Mills. The women line up on one side and Tenchi stands on the other side of Mills lane. Mills skims over the vows, reading the important stuff.
"Do you, Tenchi Muyo take these women to be your lawfully wedded wives?"
Tenchi nods.
"I do!"
Mills turns to the other side.
"And do you, Ryoko, Ayeka, Washu, Kiyone, Mihoshi, Nagi, Urd, Belldandy, Shampoo, Ukeki Akane take Tenchi muyo to your lawfully wedded husband?"
The large chorus replies.
"We do!"
Mills shuts the book.
"Now, by the power vested in me by The Satan City Gambling commission, I pronounce you man and wives! Kiss the wives and get the heck out of here!
Tenchi kisses all of his new wives, then they put him on their shoulders and carry him off.
Mills beams for a while then gets back into character.
"Ok, we've got a big fight lined up, clear the arena!
Vegeta leans on his arm.
"Some guys have all the luck"
Goku nudges him.
"Vegeta, if this fight isn't good enough, no one will have any luck, and we'll all be dead!"
Vegeta gets mad and starts trying to kill Goku again, as the camera spins down to the arena. In the center stand numerous gigantic Mecha. Mills, hanging from the catwalk above to avoid getting killed talks into his microphone.
"Fighting for the EVA team is EVA-00 piloted by Rei, EVA-01 piloted by Shinji, EVA-02 piloted by Asuka. In the interest of fair play, no one is allowed use of the AT field in todays bout. Back from the dead by special demand, Fighting for the Gundam team is Zero piloted by Heero, Epion piloted by Zechs, Tall Geese-3 piloted by Trieze, Heavy Arms piloted by Trowa, Sand Rock piloted by Quatre, Shen Long piloted by Wu fei, Death Sycthe piloted by Duo, and about 10,000 garden variety Leos. All this stupid listing is getting me tired, just get it on!"
The garden variety Leos storm forward and fire at the EVAs. EVA-01 sights the Sniper rifle and fires, blasting about 40 Leos into oblivion. Rei holds the Longinus lance in her hands and whirls it in front of EVA-00 like a huge club, smashing anything in its way.
Heero powers up the buster cannon and shoots it straight at EVA-01, just as the sniper rifle fires again. The feedback from the colliding beams explodes both cannons and they are quickly discarded. Asuka tears a path through the useless Leos toward Quatre. She shouts at him.
"Come and fight me, Im more of a man then you are!"
EVA-02 draws its Progressive knives and charges at Quatre. He readies his swords and they duel. Rei continues to dispatch more Leos. Epion, Zero and Tall geese three all rush toward EVA-01. The three Gundams smash into EVA-01, their combined momentum toppling their opponent. Tall Geese 3 is about to drive its sword through EVA-01s chest, when Rei throws the Longinus lance. It curls up as it's thrown then rips Tall Geese 3 apart, crushes another 2 dozen Leos then smashes easily through the stadium wall and into orbit. Shinji draws his progressive knives and stands up. Zero and Epion are too fast however and knock him over. Heavy Arms sprays EVA-00 with gunfire, emptying its magazines, then Shenlong charges forward and sets EVA-00 afire with its dragon arms. EVA-00 falls to the ground, perforated and burning. Quatre is losing his battle against EVA-02, moving continually backwards. Trowa readies the switch blade from under his arm, then stabs EVA-02 deeply in the back. Asuka screams in pain and falls on the ground. Quatre mercilessly smashes her EVA with the swords from its arms. EVA-01 duels as best it can, but the two Gundams are too fast. EVA-01 is sliced extremely badly on its arms, legs and chest. Finally it falls over. Decided that EVA-01 is history, Heero and Trieze move on to demolishing EVA-00, which was still trying to get up. Minutes of smashing horror pass, EVA-00 and EVA-02 being reduced to ripped entrails. Suddenly an amazing and horrible shout of fury and power went up from the other side of the arena. Vegeta looks disgusted.
"This is just a total load of crap, I mean how did they get a sea of blood into the arena?"
Goku motions for Vegeta to be quiet. He whispers.
"When I said they put everything into this arena, I meant everything"
Emerging from a sea of blood, with a perfectly symbolic sunrise behind it is EVA-01. It is totally white, none of the inflicted wounds apparent. In its hands it carries a gigantic sword that is completely silver. It opens its mouth and screams again, causing two huge angelic wings to open. Heero shouts to Mills lane.
"What the F*ck is this Sh*t? It turned into some sort of miraclefinal episode type form and we're supposed to fight it? That wasn't even in the series damn it!"
Mills frowns.
"It is a little out of the ordinary......"
Mills cell phone rings. Shinji is on the line.
"Hey Mills, how would you like a night out with Misato?"
Mills smiles.
"I'll allow it!"
Heero screams in indignation.
"You can't be serious!"
Some ironic person in the sound booth turns on the Gundam wing song "RhythmEmotion" from the crossfire at barge episode REALLY loud over the PA system. Miraculous, ripped off from another Fanfiction EVA-01Invincible Warrior Of Life storms forward, looking perfectly arty and philosophical as it smashes through thousands of useless Leos. It reaches Heero first, slashing his mecha cleanly diagonally from shoulder to hip, the two pieces sliding slightly apart before it explodes. With a fluid motion, super ultra miracle EVA-01 slices Heavy Arms and Sand Rock in half, causing them to explode. Shenlong and Deathsycthe spin around rapidly to see their enemy lop both their heads off. Epion stands in the center of the arena. Rushing at blinding speed toward it, EVA-01 stops and raises the sword above its head. The super ultra miracle EVA-01 screams out something, later discovered through the miracle of instant replay to be some variation on.
"You're the last thing we need in outer space right now!"
Then EVA-01 swings downward and rends Epion in half. The EVA-01 sits down on its hands and demands a pay raise for the amazing grace and brilliant irony with which it annihilated its foes. Shinji is expelled from the core of the EVA and a slightly surprised Mills Lane raises his arm.
"The EVA team is the winner! And son, you should probably put some underwear on"
Shinji notices hes standing totally naked in front of close to a million people. He turns several shades of red before finding some shattered sheets of metal to hide behind. Goku smiles.
"Well folks that's about it, and since the author hasn't appeared, I can safely say this was our best episode ever. For Vegeta im Son Goku saying..."
A bright flash blinded the crowd, and a searing white rip appeared in the space time continuum. Through the rift appeared an average sized 16 year-old boy. Goku cowered in fear.
"Oh my god, its him!"
The Author stood in the center of the arena and spoke, though his voice was the same in all areas.
"Well things were slightly better then I expected, but that stupid bickering between Vegeta and Goku distracted from the whole, and that rip off of my very own fic, Neon genesis evangelion: The beginning and the end, was just lame"
The arena shakes in terror.
"Unfortunately, this is where your universe ends"
Vegeta explodes.
"You idiot Kakkarot! Now we're all going to die and it's all your fault!"
Goku shouts back.
"My fault? You're the horny moron who screwed up the whole second fight!"
The announcement booth starts shaking. Vegetas hair starts changing color.
"You are going to finally get it! Before he destroys our world im going to kick your peasant ass!"
Goku glows yellow.
"You little self important twerp! Im going to pull out your tongue and use it to paint my boat!"
The announcer's booth explodes, and the two deadly enemies stand in the center of the arena. The Author yawns deeply and sits down cross-legged to watch the fight. Goku and Vegeta stand across from each other, staring threateningly in the legendary DBZ tradition for close to three days. The Author scratches his butt.
"Ok, I have a better idea. Just skip all this foreplay and lets have an SS4 earth shattering beam battle"
Goku and Vegeta look towards the author. Goku shrugs.
"Fair enough"
The center of the arena shatters and two craters so deep they end in another dimension appear under them. The ordinarily red fur glows golden. Some lifeless loser in the crowd notices and starts a Website dedicated to the SS5 level of evolution. Both fighters glow extremely brightly and power up to a stage where it looks like they were force-fed 300 pounds of horse steroids. The Author yawns and scratches his feet. Vegeta and Goku shout in unison.
"FINAL FLASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"KAMEHAMEHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The two beams hit each other in the center of the arena and the air is filled with the sound of lightning. The Author stands up.
"Ok, this is boring, think up a better and more involved names for your attacks, now!"
Goku and Vegeta both look sort of disappointed. They ready their attacks again, and shout in unison.
"SUPER ULTRA FINAL FLAMING LIGHTNING WORLD ANNIHILATING MEGA FLASH OF DEATH ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"ULTIMATE FLAMING LIGHTNING DRAGON PUNCH INVINCIBLE BLADE OF KAMEHAMEHA ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The entire arena is blown away, the incomprehensibly powerful, legendary pillars of energy fighting for supremacy. Mills Lane hangs onto a rock outcropping and holds against the thousand mile per hour winds. The beams widen, until they're as wide as the entire solar system. To increase the dramatism, both fighters are drawn in pencil, their features sketchy through the sea of energy. Vegeta watches as the beam of blue energy gets closer and closer to him. He remembers the many fights hes had with Goku, then thinks back to his father. The image flashes before his eyes of Frieza killing him, then to a picture of little Vegeta standing next to the king. The king speaks.
"You must remember Vegeta, you are prince of all sayains, and you will someday become the most powerful being in the universe"
Vegetas beam is inches from his hands. His maniacal eyes light up and he completely loses it.
"ILL NEVER LOSE! NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Vegetas blast expands at a ludicrous speed, then rips itself through Gokus attack. An explosion so powerful that it doesn't look that big envelops Goku and he dies. Vegeta stands panting.
"Hey I won! I beat Goku, I won!"
Mills lane staggers over to Vegeta and raises his hand.
"Vegeta is the winner!"
The Author claps a bit.
"Quite a nice battle actually, in fact I think I wont destroy your universe for its lack of good fights."
Vegeta jumps up and down for joy. The Author waves his finger.
"Unfortunately, to make this episode interesting, I had to use up every good matchup I could think of, so this universe will now end due to a lack of material"
Some great strides are made in the art of brilliant profanity by Vegeta before The Author picks up a golden keyboard and presses Ctrl+Alt+Delete twice. The world shatters in a rather low rent explosion, and the entire universe disappears through a singularity. The faint cry of
"SSHHHHHH*************TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Is heard as the singularity closes
Epilogue
Vegeta stands around in heaven, surveying the boring terrain. He notices Goku. He runs over and laughs in his face.
"Ha, I finally defeated you!"
Goku smiles at him good naturedly.
"Oh, but you see, whoever has been in heaven the longest is the strongest here"
Vegeta quakes in fear.
"You don't mean...."
Goku shouts in glee.
"That's right, I am stronger then you for all eternity!"
King Yama covers his ears as the shout
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Fills the entire afterlife.
THE END