CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH: ANIME STYLE!
The camera pans upward to the announcement booth. Goku picks up the microphone.
"Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Celebrity deathmatch! Im Goku-son"
Vegeta grabs his microphone
"And Im Vegeta!"
"And tonight we have blockbuster line up of fighters. Starting the night off is Dr.Tofu VS Dr.Briefs.Then its Priss VS Nagi for the title of baddest ass anime chick ever!"
"For once some girls who can actually fight!"
"And to top it all off, we have The Ronin warrior's VS The Ginyu force for the title of dumbest team ever!"
"We go now to the arena for the first fight!"
The camera zooms in on the ring in the center of the huge arena. Mills lane steps into the center between the two combatants.
"Ok gentleman, you're both doctors. But if all goes like it's supposed to, then neither of you will be curable by any doctor. Now lets get it on!"
Tofu and Briefs both strike their fighting poses. Briefs immediately opens his jacket and gets out his pack of cigarettes. Tofu puts his hands on his hips.
"What is the matter with you? You always have a cigarette in your mouth, but this is ridiculous!"
Briefs smiles.
"You haven't seen nothing yet!"
Briefs takes something out of his coat and we see hes wearing military ammunition vest, and every pocket is filled with cigarettes. He pulls out close to a hundred and put the ends to his mouth. He twists his wrist at a strange angle and a huge lighter extends from his sleeve. He pulls the trigger and it lights. One swift pass lights all hundred cigarettes. He inhales, then he runs over to where Tofu is and exhales a dark cloud of smoke. Tofu falls on the ground, hacking and coughing. Briefs takes advantage of the opening and pulls the cigarettes out of his mouth. He dives at Tofu and burns him a hundred fold with the smoking butts. Tofu screams in pain and kicks Briefs away. Briefs is about to charge him again, the he hears his cell phone ringing. He blushes with embarrassment.
"Um....give me a minute will ya?"
Tofu is trying to treat his burns.
"Take your time"
Briefs gets off the phone.
"Well, I've got an appointment for a chest X-ray, do you mind waiting?"
Tofu shakes his head.
"Nope"
Briefs runs out of the ring.
Vegeta shakes his head.
"Just no respect for the fight, it's really pathetic"
30 minutes later
Briefs get back, and climbs into the ring.
"Ok, lets fight again!"
Tofu has a huge crate sitting next to him. He pulls on one side and the whole crate collapses. Inside is a gigantic chunk of Tofu.Briefs starts rolling on the floor laughing.
"What the heck are you going to do with that?"
Tofu grins.
"This"
He presses a button and the ring starts cracking under Briefs.A huge tank of water rises upwards, trapping Briefs inside. Tofu, with great effort, raises the huge slab of tofu and throws it into the giant tub. He then grabs a microphone.
"This is a little known way of cooking Tofu.Usually, some small fish are thrown into a tub of water with some tofu. When the water is heated up, they try to escape the heat inside the tofu. The resulting tofu is quite good. Now we're going to try it with something else!"
After about 10 minutes of horror, Mills lane declares Dr.Tofu the winner. Goku looks disgusted.
"That was one of the most pathetic fights I've seen!"
Vegeta looks even more disgusted.
"Hell, it was even worse then the Ryoki VS Luna the cat fight"
Vegeta is grabbed by network security and dragged to the underground torture chamber for disobedient hosts and newscasters. Vegeta has numerous cuts and bruises on his face. Goku looks at him.
"Looks like you got roughed up."
Vegeta gives him the death glare.
"Shut up"
Goku turns back toward the camera.
"And now our second fight, which hasn't even been decided who will win yet!"
Goku is dragged off to the underground torture chamber, and the camera switches back to the ring. Priss and Nagi are in the center of the ring. Mills motions them to the center.
"Ok, I want a good clean fight. And if I see any ladylike behavior, You're both disqualified!"
The two women square off in the center. Nagi immediately calls out.
"Kenoki, go!"
Kenoki immediately runs out and turns into a spaceship. Priss, not wanting to become the next Luna the cat, runs and jumps into her hard suit. Using the suit's extraordinary maneuverability, she avoids Kenokis blasts. Nearly the whole arena is destroyed in the continuing pursuit. Finally Kenoki gets tired and goes to eat a carrot. Nagi fumes, then gets out her sword. Priss has her battery run out and jumps into the ring. She grabs her microphone and uses the cord like a whip. They fight back and forth. Nagi finally succeeds in stabbing Priss in the arm. Despite the pain, Priss swings her microphone, and the cord wraps around Nagi.In her surprise, Nagi drops her sword. Priss laughs.
"Now you get a taste of my singing talent!"
She takes the plug end and shoves it into Nagis ear. She then grabs the mike and starts singing REALLY loud. Nagis head vibrates then explodes. Mills goes over and raises Priss's hand.
"Priss is the winner!"
Goku comes back from the torture chamber and talks weirdly.
"Anf nowff theff mainevfff!"
Vegeta gets pissed off.
"Damn it Goku get whatever it is out of your mouth"
Goku frowns and spits out his teeth. Vegeta gets pissed at him.
"And you call yourself a Sayain! You make me sick!"
The camera pans down to the arena where the two teams are getting ready. The Ronin warriors put on their armor and strike poses. Captain Ginyu laughs.
"You call THAT a pose?"
He motions to his men. They all strike absurd poses, and generally look like a bunch of 300 pound cheerleaders.
"Ha, ha, that's how its done"
Mills gets pissed and calls out.
"Everyone in the center of the ring, now!"
The fighters obey.
"Ok, I want a good clean fight, now lets get it on!"
Ronin Warriors all ready their magical weapons and charge at the Ginyu force. Ginyu and his men are suddenly getting there asses kicked. Ginyu escapes for a moment.
"Quickly, I must call upon, the ultimate power, the eternal judge of all matters of anime!"
The Ronin warriors act all worried.
"Oh no,hes summoning it!"
Ginyu says some magical chant and a rift in space time appears. An irritating 16-year-old guy appears through the rift. The Ronin warriors wonder for a minute.
"The almighty creator of fanfiction is this guy?"
The boy bows.
"Hello, someone called me?"
Ginyu kneels on the ground.
"Please oh lord of this dimension, save us from the boring action sequences and lazy drudgery of this battle!"
Looking sort of bored, the author shrugs.
"Sure, this battle was pretty boring, otherwise why would this be happening."
Ginyu is confused.
"I don't understand"
The author stands boredly.
"Well since I control everything in this dimension, I made you summon me since nothing interesting was going to happen in this fight anyway......Oh yes the outcome"
The author points his finger in the direction of the Ronin Warriors.
"Curse of Backspace!"
The Ronins are all back spaced into oblivion. They're supporters at ringside cry in anguish. Magically, Ule and Mia float into the ring. The author frowns.
"Always did hate you guys"
The author points at them.
"Curse of the keyboard!"
A giant keyboard appears out of the skies and beats the two irritating twits until they're good and dead. The author picks his nose.
"Well thats about it, have to go write a huge overdone ending to that Evangelion fanfiction. I suggest your fights become more interesting in the future or quite simply your world will come to an end."
The author vanishes. Goku and Vegeta sit in their commentary booth. Goku manages to talk.
"Ladies and gentleman we're out of time, but if you don't watch next week we might all be dead. Watch next time, as we pull out all the stops to provide a show that will save us from the endless oblivion of the recycled bin. For Vegeta, im Johnny Knoxville and im about to go up in flames........."
The network security storms in and starts beating Goku and Vegeta mercilessly with riot clubs.
Hey this is Goku! Better watch next episode as we're going to be giving you matches from every which way! Gundam VS. Evangelion, Tenchi muyo VS. Ranma 1/2,and just about every anime character ever fighting each other to save us all from The Authors wrath!