Aimee
"The best thing you will ever learn is to love and be loved."
- Not exact, I don't think (correct me if I'm wrong, please), but the main
quote from Moulin Rouge... Which just happens to fit in with this chapter...
yay!
"So what do you think?"
It was mid-July; Lily was due in two months and Remus hadn't seen her for five. However, his attitude was bordering on glee, not fear or anger. He had been seeing Narcissa for four months now, and Draco had accepted the fact without any problems. It was more than he could hope for.
"Don't you find any of this the least bit strange?" Sirius asked calmly one night, as the two sat down for dinner.
"Of course," Remus replied. "All of the time."
Sirius shook his head, "You never were one to back down… Have you spoken to Lily lately?"
Remus shook his head, "No, I haven't. I don't suppose I should?"
"Yes, you should. See how she's doing and all." Sirius stuck a forkful of food in his mouth before continuing. "Although I'm sure Severus is taking perfect care of her."
Remus smirked and shook his head, "As always. She's his obsession."
"I suppose it's better than Severus hating her."
"And if Severus hated her, why would they be married?"
Sirius looked thoughtful for a moment. "I suppose… Then you'd be able to move in."
Remus shook his head, "No, I have Narcissa."
"Then I would." Sirius smirked, looking up at his friend. "You wouldn't mind, would you?"
Remus laughed; "Of course not, Padfoot."
Sirius grinned and threw his arms up in the air, "The lily is MINE!"
"I wouldn't be too sure of that." Remus smirked, "Severus isn't going to hate Lily in a million years… He's far too forgiving."
Sirius shook his head, "She's his weakness."
"His kryptonite."
Sirius gave Remus a blank look. "Pardon?"
"Sirius!" Remus exclaimed, "Don't tell me you've never heard of Superman!"
Sirius tilted his head in a bemused sort of way. "Can't say that I have."
Remus sighed, leaning back in his chair. "Sirius, Sirius, Sirius… what am I ever going to do with you?"
"Feed me to the dogs, I suppose." Sirius gave his a crooked grin. "Although… If they're female, I can assure you I wouldn't mind."
Remus shook his head, disgusted. "You wouldn't, would you?"
"Ol' Padfoot still has a few tricks up his sleeves." Sirius grinned, taking another bite of his meal.
"I suppose you do." Remus laughed.
The next few minutes passed in silence before Sirius dared to ask a question that had been bothering him ever since he had first found out about Remus' and Narcissa's escapades.
"Does she know you're a werewolf?" he asked softly, daring to look up and meet his best friend's amber eyes.
"Of course not." Remus answered, "And I'd like to keep it that way, if you please."
Sirius was silent for a moment. "When are you planning on telling her?"
Remus shrugged, "Whenever the timing seems right."
"You need to let her know, Mooney."
"I know. I will."
"Soon." Sirius said firmly. "Or else, when you do tell her, it'll turn into a disaster."
Remus looked up at Sirius, "Yes, I'm quite aware of that."
"I know you are, Mooney." Sirius said quietly, "Just remind yourself."
Silence filled the room once more. Sirius sighed and leaned back in his chair once he was finished, looking at Remus with curious eyes.
"So how do you really feel about Lily?"
Remus looked up from his plate, eyebrows raised. "How do you think I feel?"
"Confused. Lost, maybe. Angry, either at yourself or Severus for claiming her before you had the chance."
"She wasn't some property to claim." Remus growled slightly.
"So you do admit you still have feelings for her."
"Of course!" Remus exclaimed. "As much as you and James liked to think I wasn't, I had never been in that – serious – of a relationship before."
Sirius nearly choked. "You were a virgin?!"
"I'm a god damned werewolf, Sirius. What do you think?"
Sirius shook his head, "That really shouldn't matter."
"It does." Remus said firmly. "Narcissa… I don't know. She's the first woman I've been able to get close to in years. Even then, I'm afraid of what she may do if she ever found out. My whole god damned life revolves around the one time a month I turn into a monster… Lily was the first person I ever slept with and the first human I had ever bitten. How do you think I feel?"
Sirius was quiet, thoughts running through his mind. He sighed before he spoke, his voice trembling a bit.
"Mad as bloody hell."
"At myself, for doing that to her."
"And Severus, for keeping her away from you."
"He's had every right to."
"You two are FRIENDS, Mooney. He has no right to control Lily's life."
"He's not… If she wanted to see me, she would."
"Even if she doesn't want to face you at the moment, I know for a fact you want to see her."
"Well," Remus spat bitterly, "We don't always get what we want, now, do we?"
"You have to at least try." Sirius said. "You shouldn't give up."
It was Remus' turn to be silent, his voice barely above a whisper when he finally spoke.
"Do you know how I felt when you and James found out?"
It was an unspoken rule between them; never say the traitor's name, never acknowledge the fact he had lived as one of them for so long.
"No, I don't." Sirius spoke just as quietly as Remus had.
"I didn't know whether to be thankful I finally had friends or terrified you would all come to your senses and kick me to the curb. I wanted to fly, I was so happy… yet at the same time, I was torturing myself with 'what if?'s , asking myself what if it was all a ploy to somehow kill me and such. I was so scared you two would tell the rest of the school… I was torn between the first true happiness I had ever felt and the usual chains of terror that were always with me."
"But we stayed with you." Sirius said quietly, "You should stay with her. You're the only one she knows of that goes through the same things each time… Severus may be her husband, but you're the person she needs right now. The full moon's come and gone five times now… Soon to be six. She's just as scared as you are, possibly more."
"She doesn't need me." Remus shook his head.
"Damnit Mooney, listen to me! She needs her friends right now more than anything… You, me… We're the only ones that know the real story behind all of this madness. She needs someone to talk to, you know that. Especially with Dumbledore gone…" Sirius sighed, shaking his head, "It hit her hard, you know that. She needs us."
Remus eyed his friend, "Fine. I'll owl her later, see if she wants to speak with us."
"With you." Sirius corrected. "The 'us' comes later."
"Fine." Remus shook his head, "I'll kill you if she rejects me."
"She won't." Sirius said confidently. "If she does, I'll try to talk some sense into her. If Severus replies, the motion to kill me doesn't stand. Got that?"
Remus smiled a bit, "Yes, Padfoot."
"Much better."
"Much better what?"
"You weren't smiling."
"Glad to know you're so concerned for my well being."
"Always, Mooney."
"I'm sure."
I don't know where I'm going
But I sure know where I've been
Hanging on the promises in the songs of yesterday
And I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
Here I go again
Here I go again
Though I keep searching for an answer
I never seem to find what I'm looking for
Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on
'Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams
Here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
And I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
I'm just another heart in need of rescue
Waiting on love's sweet charity
And I'm gonna hold on for the rest of my days
'Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams
Here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
And I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
But here I go again
Here I go again
Here I go again
Here I go
And I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
'Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams
Here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
And I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time
Here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
'Cos I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams...*
*Whitesnake, Here I Go Again
(Ok, how goshdarn perfect is this song for Remus? If you didn't
read the lyrics, go back and do so NOW. They're perfect, I swear... and
I love this song, which is an extra littke 'omph'. :o) )