Chapter Five
Our lips parted, and he jumped away from me. "We can't do this," he said. "This is wrong."
He was right, of course, but I wished that he wasn't. Other the past few days, Carey had been nothing short of perfect. He drove me to the airport yesterday when no one else would. He understood what I was going through completely. He even made me dinner. It seemed like he was always around when I was going through something that I couldn't handle, and doing whatever he could to fix it. That was Carey, always there to protect me—my knight in shining armor. So how could it be wrong? How could the need, the want, the love for someone ever be wrong?
"Don't leave me," I whispered, looking into his eyes with tears in mine. Maybe it was wrong. And I don't know, maybe I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life. But maybe I also would have made the biggest mistake of my life if I never said what I felt so desperately in my heart. "I need you, Carey. I need you more than anything…"
He pulled me close to him, holding me tight. I let myself fall against him, sniffling into his chest. His body was so warm. I felt his hand gently stroking my hair, as he rested his head atop mine. All I wanted was to stay in his arms like that forever. I could already tell that in the matter of a few minutes, my entire life had been changed completely. But right now, in Carey's arms, I was safe. His love shielded me from all the other pain I had to face.
"We'll make this work," he promised, lightly kissing my forehead. "I'm not going anywhere."
I could still hear his words repeating in my mind hours later, tucked under the covers of my bed as I stared into the darkness. I couldn't even remember the last time I was so happy. Was this love? When was the last time that I even questioned a relationship to be love? It was probably too soon to consider it that, but I hadn't felt this way about anyone since Rick.
I had almost drifted to sleep when I heard the low creak of my door being opened. "Mom?"
I blinked my eyes rapidly, trying to adjust to the light streaming in from the hallway. "Fi, do you need something?"
Her footsteps came closer until she climbed into my bed and lay next to me. "I couldn't sleep," she whispered. Fi hadn't come into my room to sleep beside me since she was six years old, during the days when monsters and ghosts visited her nightmares regularly.
"Why not?" I asked.
"Annie was talking in her sleep," Fi said with a sigh.
"Again?"
"Yeah," she responded. "She's so loud, I can hear her across the hallway. Didn't you?"
"No," I said truthfully. But maybe I was too lost in my thoughts about Carey to even notice.
"She was screaming, too," she added. "'Conrad!' she kept saying. 'Conrad, get that mango tree away from me!'" Fi mimicked in a high-pitched imitation of Annie's voice.
"You can sleep here," I said, laughing.
"Thank God." I smiled at her and lightly traced her chin with my finger. It was good to have Fiona back home, no doubt about that. "Mom?" she whispered again.
"Yes sweetie?"
"Did you talk to Carey?"
I felt my entire face get hot and flushed. Did she know? She couldn't have possibly found out—could she? But then, why would she ask that question? "Um—about what?" I stammered, my body trembling.
"Well… I mean, what we talked about yesterday…"
Oh my God! I had completely forgotten about Fi's crush on him. "No, of course not!" I said quickly. "I thought that was a secret."
"It is! I just wanted to make sure, that's all." She took a deep breath. "I think I want to tell him how I feel," she blurted.
"What?" I asked a little too loudly. "Uh," I added, desperately trying to improvise, "isn't it a little too soon for that?"
"Mom, maybe I'm crazy, but I have this uncontrollable longing to be with him. I just have to tell him, before it's too late, you know?"
I wanted to cry for the millionth time today. It is too late. He's already with somebody else—your own mother. What would I do if Fi ever found out? She'd hate me. I'm probably the one person she thought she could trust, and I stole the boy she likes.
Not that I had meant to. Everything just sort of happened by itself, like it was fate. It was a horrible realization to acknowledge that Carey and I would have to keep our relationship secret, at least for a while. But I realized another thing, too, and found new determination: I wasn't about to give him up.