Chapter Ten
It's dark outside
And the baby's asleep
You're going for a ride
"Carey, what are you doing here?" I whispered. I was scared—no, terrified, really. He stood there staring at me, unmoving. I didn't know what to do or say. I just wanted him to tell me why he was here; why he had to sneak in my house through my bedroom window at nearly 1 a.m. I wanted to know why his car was parked outside, and why he didn't just walk here since it wasn't too far. I wanted to know what was wrong, because he wouldn't be here if something wasn't.
Why is it black?
What is this tingle on the back of my neck?
Carey broke his gaze and looked toward the window. The silence was the worst. It was a cryptic silence, hiding its secret message between ten thousand puzzle pieces of Carey. "Please," I begged, surprised to hear my own voice sounding so shaky. "Please, just tell me." His gazed stayed fixed on the window. My entire room was dark and I could barely see him in the shadows, if it weren't for the streetlight outside dimly shining on his face. But not even a million of the brightest light bulbs would allow me to really see him. I sighed, blinking back tears of frustration.
It's cold outside
And the fire's burned out
You're going for a ride
"Have you ever wondered about what it would be like to live in a perfect world? I know what everyone wants. They want less pollution, less violence, less poverty. But do you know what I want? Acceptance. That's my perfect world. Nobody would ask questions. Unconditional love. What you do is your own business. Why can't it be like that now? Why does it have to be an unreachable level of perfection?" He faced me, eyes wide and imploring. "Why?" The question hung in the air. I kept my mouth shut, speechless, and Carey turned back to the window. He was talking about us, of course, but why? What made it so urgent right now? After a long silence, he opened his mouth to speak again. "I'm leaving, Molly."
Don't go
"What?" The word came out in a hoarse whisper, because my mouth was dry. My entire body, mind, and soul felt dry, and I needed Carey to replenish me. "You can't leave," I said. He didn't move, still staring out the window. I needed him. I couldn't bear the thought of living without him. But in my mind, he was already gone.
Walking down the sidewalk
In New York City snow
A stranger brushed against us
His face was all in shadow
A shiver ran right down my spine
I pulled your arm through mine
I shut my eyes but still could see
The night I'd whisper tenderly
"My mom heard your message."
My body froze in shock. She knew. Soon everyone would know. How could I have been so stupid? Why did I ever pick up that phone this morning? Couldn't I have seen this coming? Tears ran down my cheek. We both knew that sooner or later, someone was going to find out. It's impossible to keep a secret so huge. But I always thought it'd be later. "It's all my fault," I said, in a tone barely audible.
"No it isn't," Carey said firmly, placing his hands on my shoulders and looking me right in the eyes. "I left my room for a few minutes and didn't think to close my door. My mom was walking in the hallway and she heard your voice so she stopped to listen… she didn't mention this to me until after rehearsal…" Carey's voice trailed off as I started to tremble through my sobs. "Don't cry," he said, pulling me close to him. "Please don't cry."
Your breath is still on my lips
Your touch is on my fingertips
Your tears are still on my cheek
Your voice still makes me weak
Gifts I will never give you
Lives I will never live with you
Words that will never be spoken
The moment I lose you
Love is broken
Love is broken
Somehow I managed to grab a hold of myself and soothed the tears. "Where are you going?" I asked him.
I felt his back stiffen and the cryptic silence that was such a mystery had returned once more. He pulled away gently, staring right over my shoulder like I wasn't even there. "I can't tell you," he said quietly.
And then all the hurt, all the deep-set anger that I had trying to conceal, burst through in a giant explosion. "You can't tell me?" I asked in disbelief. "You told me you weren't going anywhere. You said that we would make this work. And then you show up at my bedroom window in the middle of the night, announce that you're leaving, and won't even tell me where you're going to go?" The tears were streaming down my face uncontrollably and I made no effort to stop the flow. "God, Carey! Don't you get it? Don't you know that you mean everything to me? You were my hero."
I didn't want to love youI didn't want to go that deep
I didn't want a dream come true
Just to lose it while I sleep
Every night I held you tight
Don't take him from me now
Every day I'd wake and say
I got to keep him one more day
Oh thank you, thank you for this day
I stared at him expectedly, waiting for an answer. "I have to go," he said in a voice barely above a whisper.
I bit my bottom lip. "Go where?" I asked pleadingly, hoping desperately that he'd give me an answer. "Please, Carey," I said in a tone much softer than the one I had used before. "Please, just tell me where you'll be. Just so I know. Just so I don't have to spend the rest of my life wondering. Please…"
He quickly enveloped me in another hug, holding me in his arms for the longest time. "I'm so sorry… Please forgive me…" he murmured. I closed my eyes tight, embracing the moment. This was the last time I'd feel his strong arms holding me tight, the last time I'd rest my head on his shoulder, the last time I'd feel his hands in my hair or his whispers in my ear. And maybe it was the last time I'd ever see him.
Gifts I will never give you
Lives I will never live with you
Words that will never be spoken
The moment I lose you
Love is broken
Love is broken
I felt his lips upon mine. It was our last kiss and it should have been our longest, most passionate one ever, only it wasn't. I couldn't find the strength to kiss him back, to kiss the man who had rescued me from the danger only to leave me right in the midst of it. I couldn't kiss him goodbye, because if I did, then he'd really be leaving.
He left anyway, of course. I didn't bother to watch him go; I didn't bother to listen to his car driving away. I didn't need those scenes or sounds imprinted in my memory forever, coming back to haunt me. I didn't want to be reminded that Carey was gone.
Walking down the hallway
Turning off the lights
There's no need to wait up for you
It's time to say goodnight
You know the day you go away
Then I'll become a ghost
Doomed to walk the world without
The one I loved the most
I lied back down on my bed and naturally began to sob uncontrollably. I could still smell his cologne. I still felt the warmth of his body against mine, and his hands running through my hair. What if I ever forgot how that felt? But why would I even want to remember? The memories only make it worse. I leaned back hard against the pillow in sorrow, when I heard a strange crinkling noise. Reaching under my pillow, I found the cause of this sound—a piece of paper.
Your breath is still on my lips
Your touch is on my fingertips
Your tears are still on my cheek
Your voice still makes me weak
Gifts I will never give you
Lives I will never live with you
Words that will never be spoken
The moment I lose you
The light switch on my nightstand was quickly flicked as I peered at the handwritten note, blurred through my tears.
Dear Molly,
I knew you'd be upset when I told you what I had to do. And I knew that I probably wouldn't be able to explain to you the reason why, and maybe I'd never be able to tell you where I was going. But believe me, it's better this way. If I could stay, I would in a heartbeat, but I have to go. After my mom found out, she forbid me to see you. I couldn't stay, because I'd only be tempted and I can't live to be so near to what I can never have. I'm so sorry. But there's another thing that I doubted I'd be able to tell you, Molly, and it's that I love you. No matter where I am, or who I'm with, I'll always love you. You'll always be number one.
XOXO
Carey
It was possibly the sweetest, most touching letter I had ever read. He loved me. He told me that he loved me, but I wished that he hadn't—because for the rest of his life, he would go on never knowing that I loved him too.
Love is broken
Love is broken
Love is broken
Love is broken