LOSING HIM
By Sophia Moon
I lost him. No, of course I didn't lose him. How can one lose a lover one
never had.
Not for lack of trying, mind you. For years I tried. He always ran. And the
harder he ran from me, the more my determination grew. From the moment I saw
him, I knew he was to be my lover, my husband, the father of my children.
There was no way I would let myself deter from him. He was my destination
and he knew it. He could point his gun all he wanted, he could say "Omae…"
as much as he liked: I knew better. He was to be mine.
We would have been the perfect couple. Queen of the world and perfect
soldier. Poets would have made songs about us, mothers would name their
children after us. We were a story to be told a thousand times. A perfect
romance and yet political the most sane choice anyone could make. He was
prepared to die for a peace he never really could envision and I needed his
determination beside me.
I didn't came with empty hands. I have a name, influence. I hope I am not
bragging, but I think I have a fairly bright mind and though I may not be a
beauty queen, I have no reason to be ashamed of how I look.
I could have given him the softness of my breasts, the fertility of my womb.
I could have given him pleasant company, because man is not made to be
alone. I could have given him the joys of fatherhood.
He made love to me once. I managed to convince him that he would never know
if he really didn't love me, if he never bedded me. So I became his mission
and he made a thoroughly job of it. After he was done he politely thanked
for the company and left my room.
Of course I tried to eliminate any competition. I never once seen him
looking at another woman. No problem there. For a moment I thought that
quiet boy Trowa had caught his eye. They were in a way good friends. But the
Winner heir stole the acrobat's heart.
Duo, now that was more serious. Loud, hyperactive and, I must confess, a
brave soldier. I believe they even had something going on for some weeks or
even months. But that Chinese boy took care of Duo. I hope they are really
happy together. No, really, I wish them all the happiness of the world.
Especially Duo.
Heero Yuy was to be mine. There was no one else who cared as much about him.
I could have warmed his heart enough to love me back. And even if that would
never happen because his heart was simply too frozen, I would have accepted
that because I had enough love for the two of us. I was prepared to accept
him as he was. I just wanted him. There was no reason for him to keep
running from me. A matter of time and we would stand before the altar.
I lost him, though how can I speak of lost if the one I love never loved me
back? I'm trying to accept the unacceptable, as painful as it might be. And
the strange, almost funny thing about it all: I thought I could lose him to
the war, to the cold loneliness of his own heart. I even thought I could
lose him to some unknown girl that would step out of nowhere or to one of
the other Gundam pilots.
But never once could I have imagined him as my brother-in -law.
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