Disclaimer: I own none of the characters. Not a single one. I just had this idea one night that I had to get out of my insane brain.
"I'm gonna kill him!"
The front door of the Brotherhood house opened with a force usually associated with hurricanes. Lance and Pietro looked up from the television to see a very angry and a very wet Todd stomp into the room. There was a murderous gleam in his eyes that was totally uncharacteristic of the cowardly mutant. However, there also was a powerful stench that was characteristic of him, especially if he got wet.
"I'm gonna kill him!" He screamed again at the top of his lungs. "I'm gonna tear that blue furred, pointy eared, long tailed, funny talking foreign freak into so many pieces, they're gonna haveta invent a new number just to count 'em all!"
He paced back and forth on the carpet, leaving puddles where he went. "I'm gonna shave all that stupid fur off and stuff it down his throat and yank his tail off and strangle him with it! Then I'm really gonna hurt him!"
"Hey Toad!" Lance yelled. "What are you doing? Watering the carpet? Will you dry off!"
" 'Hey Toad what's wrong? What happened?'" Todd snapped sarcastically at them. " 'Did that evil little blue nutcase do something bad to you?' Oh thank you! Thank you all very much for your concern! Just once, just once I'd like you guys to show a little interest in me. A little care. A little compassion. Is that asking too much?"
He gave a hard stare at Lance and Pietro. They had returned their attention to the television. "Apparently it is," Todd sighed. He crouched down and violently shook himself like a dog, drenching Lance and Pietro.
"Hey!"
"Watch it!"
Todd quickly stood up, but did not attempt to flee when Lance reached for his shirt. "What's the big idea?" Lance snarled as he grabbed his shirtfront and made a fist.
Usually this was enough to send Todd cowering. Today it was a very different story. He stared Lance in the face with a venomous scowl that even made Lance hesitant to beat him up. "Oh you finally noticed me! How wonderful!" Todd snapped.
"How can we not notice you with a smell like that?" Lance said.
"Blame Blue-Boy!" Todd shouted. "It's all his fault!"
"Uh-oh," Pietro groaned.
"Yeah Uh-oh," Todd shook his head as Lance released him. "That little X-jerk has gone too far this time! You hear me! Too far! Over the line. See, this is the line, and he crossed it!"
Todd moved to a spot on the floor and pointed to it. "Line," he stated simple before hopping across the room and pointing to another spot. "Over the line!" He repeated this several times in front of an astounded Lance and Pietro. "Line here. Fuzzy there! Line way over here! Fuzz-ball way over here! This, this is the line! This over here is way beyond that line! That is the line! He went over the line! Do you see the line? Well he's over it!"
Fred walked into the room. He joined the other two members of the Brotherhood watching Todd like it was some sort of deranged tennis match. "Uh, what's going on?" he asked while watching Todd move back and forth and ranting.
"Apparently Nightcrawler did something to Toad and he's not too happy about it," Pietro informed him, still watching Toad's antics.
"Happy? Happy!" Todd yelled. "Of course I'm not happy! There I am, minding my own business, just as I was about to have the biggest, sweetest, juiciest grasshopper you ever saw…Bam! The next thing I know I'm drenched! That stupid freak 'ports in and smashes a water balloon on top of my head! And you all know how I hate to get wet! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!"
"We're not exactly that crazy about it either, Toad," Pietro held his nose for a second.
Todd gave him a dirty look before he continued. "If that wasn't bad enough, that blue freak calls me a …a…I can't pronounce it but I got the message! Whatever he called me, he ain't gonna get away with it! If he's gonna insult me, the least he could do is do it in English!"
"Yeah, Toad barely understands English," Pietro scoffed.
Todd snapped. "That's it!" he snarled, leaping on top of a totally unprepared Pietro. "You wanna piece of me, Quickie? Huh? Do ya! Huh?"
"Guys! Get him off!"
"Whoa! Easy there little guy!"
"Toad knock it off!"
Lance and Fred quickly pulled him off of Pietro. "Sheesh, calm down Tolensky!" Pietro dusted himself off. "I was just kidding."
"Yeah Toad, he's on our side, remember?" Lance said, releasing him.
"Yeah, yeah. That's right. Quickie good, Fuzzy bad," Todd muttered more to himself than the others. "Fuzzy bad. Fuzzy very very bad. Fuzzy gonna be very very dead! Fuzzy gonna be dead. See this?" he held up a pillow from the couch. "This is Fuzzy. This is Fuzzy after I get through with him! ARRRGHHHHHHHH!"
Immediately, Todd began tearing the pillow apart with his hands and teeth. "Die you fuzzy blue Smurf boy! Die! Die! Die!"
The other members of the Brotherhood wisely backed off a short distance to watch Todd's tantrum. "Okay, this is starting to get scary," said Pietro.
Lance sighed. "We'd better calm the little spaz down before he hurts himself. Or more importantly, gets us all in trouble. Fred you better get him before he trashes the place even more."
"Why me?"
"Because you're the invulnerable one, remember?"
"Yeah, but…" He looked at Toad attacking another pillow. For the first time in a long while, Fred began to doubt his invulnerability.
"Just get him!"
"Okay. C'mon Toad. Nice Toad. Let's put the pillow down and relax!"
"Die Fuzzy! Die! Grrrrrrr!"
"Yes Toad, the fuzzy freak is very bad, but he's not here now. So why don't you…?" as Fred moved in to grab Todd, he hopped out of his reach.
"I'm gonna get him! I'm gonna march right up to that stupid mansion and drag that X-jerk out by his pointy little gecko tail if I have to! Where can I get a tank? Gimmie a tank!" he screamed as he raced pointlessly around the room. "I want a tank so I can blow him and all his lying little jerk friends to kingdom come! BOOM! Ha Ha!"
Pietro finally grabbed him and handed him off to Fred. "Get the rope!" he cried. "Man! You guys think I have a temper! Toad calm down!"
"I want to hurt him," Todd snarled, saying each word slowly and deliberately.
"Yes Toad, we know," sighed Lance. "Pietro how long does it take you to find some rope? Or anything to hold him down for that matter?"
They tied Todd up with some rope and duct taped him to the couch in the living room. Pietro made a quick change into a suit and a pair of glasses. He sat down on a nearby chair and took out a notepad. "Okay Toad, why don't we have a little talk about our feelings now, shall we?"
"Oh no," Lance covered his eyes. "I can't watch this."
"Talk about the nuts taking over the asylum," Fred agreed.
"Feelings? Fine. I'll talk feelings," Todd agreed. "I feel like hitting Fuzz-ball with a very sharp axe. I also feel like slamming his tail in a car door several times before I drag him down the highway with it!"
"Interesting," Pietro scribbled something down. "Very interesting."
"And the worst part of it is that stupid Mystique won't do anything about it," Todd continued. "He's not even on the same side as us, but will she let me hurt him? Will she? Noooooo! Heaven forbid we harm her precious little Blue-Boy!"
"Ah-ha! Jealousy! Perhaps a form of sibling rivalry?" Pietro chewed the edge of his pencil. Lance and Fred groaned in agony.
"Well I don't care what she does! I'm gonna rip that fur-ball wide open! I'm gonna hurt him. I am gonna hurt him soooo bad!" Todd then began to have a fit of maniacal laughter. "Yes, oh yes. He will be in pain! Ha! Ha! Ha!"
"Pietro, do something before Mystique gets back and finds him like this," said Fred. "And blames us."
"I know," said Pietro. "Let's find ourselves a happy place. A place where we can relax and calm down. Think of a nice calm place."
"Fine!" Todd snapped. "Happy place…happy place. Oh I got a happy place. A nice quiet happy place. The cemetery! And I'm dancing on Fuzzy's grave! Ha Ha Ha!"
"Uh, maybe we ought to try someplace else," Pietro suggested looking a little pale. "How about a nice field?"
"Yeah, and I'm burying Fuzzy in a ditch!"
"Okay, how about the lake?"
"Drowning Fuzzy!"
"Uh, the ocean?"
"Feeding Fuzzy to the sharks!"
"How about the forest? Think of nice calm peaceful trees…"
"And Fuzzy is tied to one of them, and I take out my chainsaw and…"
"Okay!" Lance interrupted. "This is obviously not going to work! We need to think of something else."
"Maybe we should get him to write his feelings down," Pietro was still in psychiatrist mode. "Let him work through his anger using poetry."
"Maybe we should invest in a couple of straightjackets," Lance groaned.
"Poem? Yeah I've got a poem!" Todd snarled. "How's' this? Violets are blue, roses are red, I'm gonna stomp on Fuzzy 'till he's dead dead dead!"
"How about TV?" said Fred. "Maybe it will mellow him out a little."
"Now you're talking!" Lance nodded. He picked up the remote and turned on the TV. "Here we go. Look Toad. Look at the nice relaxing pictures."
Unfortunately the first thing on was a scene of a man being shot up by machine gun fire. "The Godfather again?!" Lance groaned in disbelief. "This is what? The 30th time this week alone they've shown it!"
"This station is probably showing the same movie over and over all month!" Pietro said. "Don't they have any other programs?"
"Ha Ha! Bam! Bam!" Todd then began to make machine gun noises. "Ratta-ta-tat-ta tat! Booom!"
"Change the channel!" Pietro ordered.
Lance switched to an infomercial. "It slices, it dices!" the announcer intoned as Todd laughed.
"Try another!" said Fred.
Click. "The mass murderer shot 12 people before…"
Click. "Next up on the Sopranos…"
Click. "Waste the dirty rat!"
Click. " The History Channel presents the world's 10 most gruesome executions."
Click. "Next, men who blow up furry things and the women who love them."
Click. "Next, transvestites who blow up furry things and the women who love them."
Click. "The Green Wonder has got the Blue Devil in a headlock! And now he's going to give him the Noogie of Death!"
Click. "You've wronged me, and now I will have my revenge!"
Click. "Next, women who love to blow up furry things just for the fun of it."
"Wow, there really is too much violence on TV," said Fred.
"This is not going to work," Lance turned off the TV and threw down the remote. "Now what? Look at him, he's starting to foam at the mouth."
"How about some food?" asked Fred.
"Fred your solution to everything is food," Pietro groaned.
"So? The little guy needs to put on some weight anyway. I mean what are you Toad, 85-90 pounds?"
"Yeah, food. Fuzzy pie. That's great! That's perfect! No one will ever find the body!" Todd giggled as they carried him into the kitchen.
"Okay, what have we here," Lance searched the fridge. "A half quart of milk with the cap missing, A half stick of butter, and a spoon filled with some kind of jelly."
They all looked at Fred. "That's strawberry jam," He played with his fingers. "I was saving that for later."
"Alright turning to the cupboards," Pietro looked with his usual swiftness. "A green potato chip and a yo-yo."
"Oh yeah," Fred spoke. "I think we need to go to the store."
"Well that was a brilliant idea," Lance quipped sarcastically. "Any other bright ideas guys?"
"We could get him some bugs," Fred suggested.
"Forget it! I am not going to spend the rest of my afternoon looking around for bugs on my hands and knees just to keep Toad from going crazy. Besides, the last time we did that we couldn't find any."
They looked at Todd who was giggling to himself. "One thing I gotta admit, we'll never need an exterminator," Lance sighed.
"How about some music?" said Pietro. "Some nice calming music and a relaxing massage ought to do the trick. Hey it works with babies, it should do pretty well with him."
"It's worth a shot. Okay Pietro, get your portable stereo and find something."
Pietro zipped out and returned as quickly as he came in. "Ta Dah!" he put in a tape. "New age music, guaranteed to soothe the savage Toad."
He turned it on. Strains of the song Orinoco Flow began to fill the room. Lance looked in horror as Pietro began to dance around the room. Fred began to get into it and started to dance as well, despite the mild tremors he caused when he moved. Todd was swaying to the music from the chair where he was still tied. Fred semi-gracefully untied him and swung him around like a doll. They then all three joined hands and danced. It was without a doubt the strangest sight Lance had ever seen since joining the Brotherhood.
"Sail away! Sail away! Sail away!" they all sang.
"At times like this is when I miss my gang from my old high school the most," Lance groaned, hitting his head. "Okay! That's it! Enough of the noise pollution!"
Lance hit the eject button on the tape. Pietro and Fred stopped and looked at him while Todd kept swaying and humming. "Die Fuzzy! Die Fuzzy! Die Fuzzy!" he sang, replacing the song's lyrics.
Lance pushed Pietro aside and gave Todd a good sound slap on the face. "Snap out of it!"
Todd stopped in shock. For a minute he stood there with a glassy look in his eyes. "Again," Todd replied. Lance slapped him again. Todd shook his head as he came out of his trance.
"Thanks," Todd rubbed his sore cheek. "I feel better now. I went away for a bit. I'm back now."
"That's a relief," Lance sighed. "Sorta. Look, just keep it cool for a bit. We will help you get back at the Fuzz ball."
"Really?"
"Really. I promise. Believe me, he is going to pay."
"Good. 'Cause I really wanna hurt him."
"You're not the only one," Fred shook his head.
The phone rang. "That's for me!" Pietro ran, leaving behind a dust cloud. "Got it! Hey! Cindy! How's it going? About our date tomorrow I…What? Wait a minute? Who said…? Daniels said what!?"
The Brotherhood noticed that Pietro's voice was going up several volumes and it was getting more and more agitated. "Wait a minute! But I…! He's lying! How could you! You're going out with who?! I don't believe this! Fine! You wanna go out with that loser Daniels well it's your loss, sister! You hear me!"
He slammed the phone down. "I'm gonna kill him!" Pietro raced off upstairs to his room. Lance put his head in his hands. He looked like he was about to cry. "Guys…"
"We know," Fred shrugged and went up the stairs to Pietro's room. "I'll hold him."
"I got the duct tape!" Todd bounded after him.
"Maybe I should give my old 'normal' friends a call, just to see how they're doing," Lance muttered to himself as he dragged himself upstairs.