Title: Rings
Author: Stacey-Marie
Pairings: 1+2
Part: 1/?
Warnings: yaoi, angst, suicide attempts, POV, OOC, Oc suicide, language (bah if you can't handle swearing go back to the third grade)
Disclaimers: Gundam Wing and all of it's characters, mecha and other miscellaneous stuff isn't mine so don't sue me because you have a better chance of finding a live cabbit in my room than something of value.
Note: this is the revision of my very first fic and I'm really proud of it so don't kill me if it suck some serious ass, ok? Oh and I realize that my flashbacks are done really weird like but I wrote 'em like that and I like 'em like that so don't rant about 'em…ummm...you should also know that I've been writing this whole thing up in a notebook for over a year now so if the styles change or something that's probably the reason…
Rings
Duo
"
***flashback****
"Hey Heero! Whatcha doin'?" I called out to him as I came into the room. For some reason I was really happy, all of us guys were going to the beach today. We had no missions and could, for once, just be normal. Don't get me wrong I never regretted my decision to become the pilot of Deathscythe, but sometimes I liked to get away from the war, if only for one afternoon. Of course "he" didn't answer me. God! He was such a bastard sometimes. My good mood was rapidly disappearing and for one instant my joker's mask broke.
"You know it wouldn't kill you to answer me at least one goddamn time Heero!" I gathered up its broken shards quickly though. "Guess you were just daydreaming about Relena again or *gasp* working on something for the mission. God help the poor soul who disturbs the Perfect Soldier." I shot out to his still form. Only the sound of typing distinguished him from a corpse. He still hadn't acknowledged me though, that hurt. I loved him with all my heart and soul, but he couldn't even take time to notice I was in the room. Yes, that's right I said I loved him. I've known it for a while, but I think I really fell in love the first time I saw him, never mind the fact that I shot him twice. But nothing I do can even make him notice my existence. After going all out trying to befriend him, all I've ever gotten have been punches, 'shut-up' s, remarks about my "bad" piloting or if I was really lucky the object of my affection would grunt out a 'hn' for all my trouble. As much as I loved him, it was starting to eat away at me inside. But what really hurt was to see him interact with the others pilots. Sure they would probably say that I was his best friend, but in reality he was better friends with each and every one of them than he was with me. He would spar and cook with Wufei, hold long conversations on the war or books with Trowa, and aw hell he was even nice to Quatre, but I just never seem to be worth the effort to him or the waste of good air.
"Guess you're too busy to wanna join the rest of us at the beach today huh? You're welcome though." When he didn't reply yet again I told him 'sayonara'. He graciously let me get all the way to the door before telling me:
"We have a mission."
Although I really like getting to spend the extra time with him, I am really starting to hate going on missions with Heero. Whatever I do, it's never good enough for him. Statistically I was just as good as Heero, but in the field my suit often worked better than his for its mobility. Problem was Deathscythe was equipped for close-range battle which means I usually get more damage to the suit than Wing does. For that reason Heero's always yelling at me after missions on how much better I could have done and commenting on how I was 'just screwing around'. As I was powering up my mecha a strange thought occurred to me. 'Maybe I'm only worth his time if I fuck up during his precious mission. Yup Shinigami the Fuck –Up: that's me!' Oi, that hurt. Conveniently it put me in just the mood to kick some Ozzie ass.
Simple orders: destroy everything. And goddamn I was doing a hellava good job at just that! I was laughing my ass off while slicing n' dicing all manners of mobile suits.
"I am Shinigami: look upon your deaths, fools!" I screamed at them in my half- crazed state.
"Duo shut-up! Stop fucking around and hurry your ass up! You're getting too careless, so pay attention and finish the mission." Figures, I knew I couldn't last long without a degrading comment from Mr. 'Perfect Soldier' over there. you know how I was saying that his attitude was starting to eat away at me? Well, this time I just snapped. After switching out the com-unit I snarled off a strain of obscenities for three straight minuets without repeating myself. Everything I had bottled up behind my façade over the years raced down into the thermal scythe of my Gundam. The advancing squad of Aries' was demolished in five minuets and well as a good chunk of the Oz base. Oh that felt good, but with nothing left to destroy, my sanity decided to return.
"Hey didja see that Heero?! Man, they were child's play for me n' old Deathscythe!" I called over the restored com-link.
"Quit it! We would have been out of there in 2/3 that time if you hadn't been screwing around! And why the hell did you cut the communications?! You know as well as I do it needs to always be open for new orders or change in mission!" What did I tell ya? I'm never good enough. I know for a fact that I was damn good out there, but here was Heero-Perfect Soldierboy-Yuy telling me I once again what a piece of shit job I'd done. It was a good goddamn thing I let my temper run wild earlier or I never would have been able to regain my composure and provide the comic relief for everyone else when we got back.
**end flashback****
'beep beep beep'
'shit', just as I was finally about to surrender to the Land of Nod, the damn laptop just has to send me orders. All in the day's work of a Gundam pilot. Good thing all damage was minimal to Deathscythe. Oh well, with any luck I'll be done with the mission by noon tomorrow.
Heero
Oh shit, I really don't want to go into that room. Yes the boy who can bend gundanium and self-destruct without a second thought is afraid to face his partner. This isn't the first time it's happened either and I won't be able to explain it away with the "consequences of my training" speech to myself again. I love him, though I'll never tell him. I can't because I can't promise him all the things he needs. I can't say I'll make it through this war or that I can reciprocate all the things he gives me. I can't promise that I won't put him on a leash like the possessive bastard I am or that I won't get so protective of him that he lives his life in a bubble. Ah now the question is raised 'reciprocate? How do you know he feels that way at all?' It's quite simple really, he doesn't think I see it, but I do. I see how he goes out of his way for me, his little excuses to touch me and how the slightest act of kindness means the world to him. And that my friend I why I am scared to go into that room. I really hurt him today, I can see it in his eyes, even if no one else does. I see it, the light has died.
***flashback****
He was so happy today; they were all going to the beach. He loved the water, guess it just reflects his L2 upbringing. His eyes always held this special sparkle at the thought of so much water. I see the same sparkle when he watches me and thinks I'm not looking. Duo bounced merrily into out room, calling out a greeting I didn't answer and the effect looked like I'd struck him a physical blow. His mask broke then and he got really angry spitting out the words I knew he'd bottled up for so long. It hurt me to see that look on his face reflected in the computer screen, even more knowing I was the cause of it. Recovering quickly he made a lighthearted comment about the beach and my "all important" mission before saying goodbye. He had almost gotten all the way to the door when I told him of the new mission. I really hated to be the one to spoil the fun he was going to have. He provides it for everyone else but rarely gets to really indulge himself. Then later I really took the crown in the Biggest Ass of the Earthsphere Pageant. I'm so protective of him that I'm always telling him to be careful. Of course he doesn't see it that way. Yup, my training takes care of that. When I tell him to cut the crap and hurry the hell up, all I really want to say is watch out your suit can't take much more damage and neither can you. He was really pissed at me today. I realize he was doing a good job, but he was getting more hits than he should have. And then he cut communications. It terrified me that he could be injured or something and the link would be closed so I wouldn't know. But it was when he resumed attack that I was really scared; he was ruthless. His statistics were off the charts and he was fighting to a degree which was only achievable with the ZERO-System. Before he cut his communications I saw his eyes fade to an almost black hue. When he switched back on the com-unit he appeared back to his normal self, but my big mouth just couldn't stop from rebuking him for his behavior. It had really scared me and I never wanted to see it again. I had always thought he was joking when he called himself Death, but today I was proved utterly wrong. He was silent all the way back to the safe-house. It was disturbing, but I didn't want to push him over again
***end flashback****
Summoning all the stealth that makes me the Perfect Soldier, I quietly slip into our room. For some reason it seems that he can just sense my presence no matter what I do. I'm just praying to any higher power, even Duo's god, that he won't wake up. The room is empty. Why the hell wasn't he here? Ah, there was the note. It never failed to amaze me that no matter how mean I was to him he always left me a note to say where he had gone. He was off on another mission, the damn scientists hadn't even given him a day to repair Deathscythe and recuperate. On the good side it was simple detail which could be accomplished in less than a day.
next night: Duo
Shit, the damn doctors had once again underestimated the MS count on the supply route. The fifty or so Aries are all scrap piles needless to say, but I took way too many hits today. Sleep is such a welcome thought as I make my way through the safe-house to our room. Quietly I slip in the door and the first bed I see is so inviting that I don't even care if it's mine. I have just enough time to kick off my shoes and snuggle into the blankets before the blessed darkness comes.
Heero
A familiar noise in the room disturbs me slightly, but its regularity and well-known shuffles are not enough to fully wake me. A weight settles on the mattress and I roll over onto my stomach, tossing my left are over in that direction. The solid, breathing mass I encounter there steals the last vestiges of sleep. Who? The form beneath me snuggles closer, sighing my name. It's Duo, but why is he in my bed? The warm sticky substance on my hand as I retract my arm explains. Shit, he collapsed, if he dies I'll kill the damn bastards who sent him out again so soon. Jumping nimbly out of bed, I switch on the lights. It was when I was bandaging up the cut on his forehead that I noticed the deep circles under his eyes. Gods, was I doing this to him? I was and what really hurt was that I knew this is what would happen. Sure my perverted mind had believed that it was for the best, but in the end was it worth it to him for those few moments of happiness? I'll have a talk with Quatre tomorrow, I know he'll have the answer I need.
I woke up a little off balance this morning before I realized it was because I was in Duo's bed. Then it hit me that it was 4 AM and Duo was making little whimpering sounds. Shit. His nightmares were becoming more frequent lately. I hate how much pain he had to suffer to give him them, but the worst part is that he speaks. In a pain-laden voice he calls out to those he lost to come back and lastly he calls out to me. In barely a whisper he pleads with my dream self not to leave him. Then he starts to cry; I know he would never do it when he was awake, but in his dream he can't fall back on his joker's mask. In sleep he surrenders to the anguish of everyone leaving him: Solo, Father Maxwell, Sister Helen, and…me. Fuck the talk with Quatre, I'm not letting him suffer anymore, I decide walking back to my…Duo's bed. Tomorrow I was going to tell him.
Duo
'Itai. I wanna know who let Heero loose with the explosives in my head.' Looking around I notice those divine aspirin on the nightstand and a glass of water. My head was also bandaged. It takes me a moment before I realize I'm not in my bed, I'm in Heero's. He probably fixed me up last night, of course said pilot was nowhere to be seen. Good. I really don't need to hear his shit right now. After swallowing the aspirin I reach into my shirt and retrieve my cross. Hanging on either side is a pair of wedding bands. I unclasp the chain and remove the one on the left. My vision begins to cloud as I look at the inscription: 'forever and always.'
God I remember when I bought then, it had been plausible back then that maybe we could be together. It was a whim, they were on sale and it was my birthday. I was ecstatically happy that week just knowing I owned a little piece of hope that he could love me even a fraction of how mush I loved him. Gently I place that ring on my finger. Reverently I look at the picture it makes: me, Duo, getting to be Heero's loving husband. The tears have long since started to fall as I remove the other ring from the chain. 'forever and always' my pledge of love to him. God it hurts, knowing that I can never have the same from him. My dream last night only proved it to me again. 'I was waiting Heero, these were for you. Back then it wasn't a question to me that we would get to use them. I saved them for when, not if, I could share them with you beloved. It didn't happen though.'
"Or will it" I remark bitterly to the room. For the last time I take off "your" ring, together I put them back on the chain of my crucifix. Slowly standing I walk to the desk, setting it down the chain forms a puddle of gold, burying the rings. After a quick shower I dress and as I start redoing my hair, I glance one last time at those rings. 'you don't need those for him' I sigh bitterly 'you don't even exist' I don't even attempt to plaster on a smile as I leave for breakfast.
Quatre
Duo came down for breakfast a little early, surprising considering the practically double mission he had just pulled in the last two days. As I smile and look up to greet him I see something. 'Mindy…' I don't even care that I've dropped my spoon, I've seen that look before.
***flashback****
I was around twelve and in grade school. My best friend was a girl named Mindy, she was the queen of our school. Outgoing, funny, beautiful, student council member; she was everything a parent could want in a child and she was my friend. Unlike my sisters she never cooed over how cute I was or 'look at what little Quat did.' We never discussed how poised we were for our families, when we were together public appearances vanished and we were just kids. We always ate lunch out on the roof. Our school was only a three-story affair, but it always felt good to get away for a minute. When she came to school that day something was different, he normally bright green eyes were utterly dull and lifeless. When I asked her about it at lunch she just gave me that deadpan look and jumped off the ledge. She didn't even scream. And me? I was crippled with pain, it was the first time I felt my space heart.
***end flashback****
He never looked twice at us, he just made a beeline for the coffee maker. I was still surprised though when he didn't use any sugar in his coffee at all, he usually has four scoops to 'kick start the day!' He just stared emotionlessly at the blank wall as he downed the cup. I knew I was staring, but he was doing a far better impression of Heero that the boy himself, even Wufei had to look up. Then he left, wordlessly stalking out to the hanger. He passed Heero coming out and never even flicked his eyes in that direction at Heero's called out question of:
"Daijoubu ka?"
Heero
Shit, something is up with him. Normally if I bothered to talk to him without him initiating the conversation he'd be bouncing off the walls. He tries so hard you know, but I'm just an ass born and bred I guess. I was going to talk to him just now and see if he'd woken up yet, but I think he's still pissed at me over the mission a couple of days ago. Maybe he just doesn't feel well or something… 'yeah right if you were almost killed…' The thought makes no sense, but he probably wants to work off a little steam at me by fixing Deathscythe. I'll talk to him when he's cooled off a bit…and no I'm not avoiding him.
It's been three hours. Even Duo with any amount of willpower, of which I assure you he is the King of Willpower, couldn't keep that quiet in there by himself (and not come out at all) in three hours. And considering what he had for 'breakfast' he should have come out to eat now due to his high metabolism. This silence is killing me, I've been sitting here in this kitchen waiting for him for three hours by myself just staring at the hanger door. I have to talk to him now.
He's not in the hanger, he's not in the hanger! I don't know how I could have missed him coming out, there's just no way. Franticly I start to search for him. Kitchen, hanger, living room, porch, Trowa, Quat, and Wufei's rooms are all missing him. Basement: empty. There's just one room left: ours. God, I hope he's there a) he's injured and his health comes above all else b) I have to talk to him. Not to mention that sometimes he's a bit of an extremist and he might have decided to pack up for the day and leave. In his condition I really don't want him going anywhere. Around the house is one thing, around the town is another, regardless of me being protective of him. He's not healthy enough yet to be running off, he could be captured or blow our cover if he collapses. Of course all my fears are only confirmed when I opened the door. All it took was a brief glance. I was about to leave when I saw it, gleaming on the desk. Coming closer, I saw through the luminescence and realized what it was: Duo's cross. But it was different from the last time I'd seen it.
***flashback****
'Damn why did I pull that parachute?! Now I have a broken leg and a hiding in some stupid dingy underneath a tarp laying on top of the baka and something is digging into my shoulder!' We'd been here for a bout an hour about an hour or so and now it was really starting to tick me off.
"Duo what is in your shirt?"
"huh?" Great articulation he has wouldn't you say? Staring over my shoulder at him I can see him blinking and looking around like he's a bit confused. Crap, the idiot's been sleeping this whole time! Then he reached into his shirt and carefully brought out a gold object
"Gomen ne Heero, but it's my cross and there's no way I'm taking it off." I snort at that, now not only do I have a crazy guy with me, but he's a religious nut. Boy this day is just getting better and better.
"What are you now going to tell me how God loves me and every soul is precious?" I toss out sarcastically.
"God, ha! God doesn't exist outside Shinigami." I look at him quizzically.
"Why then?"
"Remembrance" he said softly "remembrance for the dead."
***end flashback****