Title: The Hard Way (part 1/? of a series)
Rating: R - Language
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story. They belong to Mutant Enemy, Fox, etc.
Author: Kegcider gkegroup@ntlworld.com
Summary: Faith's shrink makes her write stuff down. Set sometime after Sanctuary. (B/F)
Archives: Anyone that wants it
The man was sat down in a well padded leather chair, at a wooden desk piled high with antique books and papers.
He reached into the in-tray and picked up the next item. It was a single sheet of photo-copied paper that had been surreptitiously copied from an original in a Los Angeles prison.
He leant back in the chair and began to read.
Under protest I'm starting my journal today. I haven't even been to court yet and I've already been assigned a shrink, and she says I need to start this. I have to do everything she says if I'm going to get a sentence that gets me out anytime soon.
Okay, lets get things straight before we start.
I have not wimped out.
I have not turned into some simpering do-gooder.
Right, is everyone sorted on that. Good.
The next thing might be a bit of a surprise to you though. I do regret some of the things I did. Don't get me wrong, it's not because I've grown a conscience or anything, it's just that they fucked up my long term plan.
Want, take, have. Easy right? Wrong. I've got the wanting down. But totally screwed up on the taking and I'm so far away from the having, its not worth thinking about. But I do think about it though, all the time.
You've probably guessed I'm not talking about wanting money or a car or anything like that. No, I'm talking about wanting B.
I do, you know, I want B. I don't really know if it's love or not, but I do know that I want to be with B. I want to be able to hold her, to touch her. I want to know she's there when I'm sleeping, and that she'll be watching my back. I want B to want me.
I nearly got her too. So close.
Killing Allan was a mistake. Yeah so you're surprised. Well I do occasionally make mistakes. Not many mind, so don't push it. I couldn't believe how quickly B ran away from me then, we were just getting close.
I guess I was more than a little bit pissed off by that. Another thing you'd better remember, I can be smart or pissed off but not both. I'm always wicked cool and sexy though. You'll just have to live with it.
So for just a moment I wanted to get even and went to the Mayor. He was a total spazz sometimes, but he was fun. And he was a real big ideas man. I liked him instantly and I know he loved me.
For a while I actually forgot how much I wanted B. I saw her as an obstacle between the Mayor and his giving me everything I wanted. So I pretty much stopped trying with B then.
It wasn't until that last night when she came to my apartment that I realised what was going on. I couldn't really credit it about that damned cure, and you can bet your ass that the Mayor knew about it. Doing that to someone is not fucking right. Well not when it's someone doing it to you. I wouldn't really have a problem doing it to someone else, right. Well, when she told me that, I knew that the Mayor was going to get rid of me after the ascension somehow even if Buffy didn't manage it now. With him out of my mind, it all crashed back on me how much I wanted B.
So I gave her the chance to stop it, but she was all set to kill me, so we started to fight. I wasn't fighting at full strength, not like she was. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't feeling suicidal or anything, it's just that I can't really get excited about the prospect of having B as a corpse. I'm not into that scene at all. I wanted B alive, pissed off if need be, but alive.
So I tried to bail, and what does the bitch do? Handcuffs! I mean, I'm trying to get away so I don't have to hurt her and she handcuffs me. I was so impressed when I saw them, so proud of her. When B goes postal, she covers all the bases. Go girl!
I still didn't really think she'd be able to gut me though, but she did. I was pretty touched when she looked at me with those sad, oh-my-what-have-I-done eyes. But I knew she'd go through with it, feed me to Angel. B should be mine, I'm damned if I'll let myself be fed to him just so he can have her. So I jumped.
Hell I'm a slayer, maybe I'd land on my feet. You know?
Eight, fucking months later I find out that I landed on my head. I wake up to some really freakish dreams about Buffy coming after me time and time again ready to carry on where she left off.
I was just a little concussed you know. Things just didn't make any sense to me that week. Hell nothing made any sense to me until I was finally heading out of Sunnyhell again. When I was in that truck I suddenly realised what I'd done, how I screwed up chance number two to get with B.
If I'd just said sorry when I met her on campus. B'd forgive me, she's like that. That's one of the reasons I want her so badly. But no, I get all hung up on the gutting and the nightmares and hit her. Want, take, have. It really doesn't sound that difficult does it. That's me though, always do things the hard way.
It's in the truck when I give up. Normally I'd just move on to the next scheme, try it. But when I thought about everything in that truck, I just couldn't see a way of ever getting B so I just gave up and went with the flow again. This time it was those fucking lawyers who sent me after Angel. I really went all out to see how mad I could get him. But it wasn't so I could kill him, it was just so that he'd end it. The hours and days of longing that I spent wanting B and knowing that she hates me. I just sort of broke down then.
I was crying like a fucking baby but Angel just holds me. I can tell that he wants to help, don't know why. But then I realise that if he's prepared to help me, maybe things aren't so hopeless. After all I tried to poison him and he's still there. I figure that B will forgive me eventually, I just need to work at it, so I get the new plan. The one I'm trying now. It's called… wait for it, you'll like it… being a good guy.
Yeah you heard me. Good guy.
The way I figure it, if B's ever going to have anything to do with me, we need to be on the same team. I tried getting her on my side before, it was a bust. So now I'll try playing it her way. Doing things how she'd do them.
Because it's the right thing to do.
Bullshit, the only reason I'm doing it is because it's the only way to get what I want. When I know what I want, I go after it. Using whatever means are necessary, and if that means I'm a good guy. Well I guess it means I'm a good guy. If it doesn't work I'll try something else, and if that means killing someone, you'd all better stand well back.
I hope it doesn't take too long for B to visit, show me a sign that it's working. This good guy stuff is boring as hell. Well holding cells are boring as hell, I suppose if I was outside kicking shit out of demons with B it would be more fun. Anything is fun with B.
I'm taking my time, and lowering my expectations. I know that B is now with this Riley, but he's a demon hunter. He won't last long. No - that wasn't a threat, but face it, it's a dangerous business and he isn't even a Slayer. All I'm after now is for Buffy to care about me, just a little bit. I know, some guys'd think she was looking out for me when she went up against the Council at Angel's, but I've been in Sunnydale. I heard what she did for Spike, and it's pretty obvious she cares more about him than she does me. Puts things in perspective doesn't it.
When I can get her to care just a bit, then I'll know its worth carrying on. If she cares I'll get a chance to show her what she means to me, without all the fighting and the fear and anger. Maybe then everything will come together eventually.
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm going to be a good guy for B. While I stand even the smallest chance with her, I'll behave and do things that'll make her like me, and not do all things that'll piss her off.
The way I figure it, she needs me to be punished and prison seems okay by her. I'll go to court, eventually, confess and see what they throw at me. Whatever it is, I'll do it. Because maybe then Buffy will believe that I want to do what's right. Maybe she knows I'm only doing it for her, I don't know.
If she dies while I'm in here, all bets are off. Except that I will get medieval on whichever SOB fucked her over, and I'll vent on anybody that let her down. I believe in Hell, Angel's been there, and I know where the mouth is. I suppose that means that there's a Heaven too and that's the problem. If Buffy dies she's gonna go straight up, and I know that I'm not going to be able to go with her. I'm not really scared of Hell. After all I've friends down there, but it does mean that in the next life I'll never be able to find Buffy again. I need to be with her in this life, and as we're both Slayers that puts a hell of a time limit on it. I hope they don't keep me here for too long.
Please Buffy, talk to me. Even if you just want to yell at me or slap me around or even stab me again. Just don't ignore me anymore. Please.
The man put the paper back on the table for a moment as he thought deeply. Then making his decision he wrote out a quick note, and fastened it to the paper. With a sigh he put them both into his out-tray and moved on to other business.
Giles frowned at the letter he'd just received. The first semi-official communication he'd received from the Council in over a year and it was a page from Faith's journal. As he'd read it, he'd become more and more unnerved by what he was reading.
Giles missed vampires, he really did. You knew where you were with vampires. Vampire evil, human good. So you slay the vampire. It's another question entirely what you do with emotionally troubled, homicidal slayers.