Just Can't Wait To Be Dictator-Over-The-Entire-World!
A/n: I'm sorry! This is an extremely stupid thing that I thought up late at night, and had to type. My first filk and it is very bad! The song is to the tune of the Lion King's '(I Just) Can't Wait to Be King'. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to the Great J.K. Rowling. Well, he used to. Now Warner Bros. owns him. Boo! And the Lion King, and all songs pertaining to, belong to the Walt Disney Co.
Place: Harry Potter's Dorm
Time: Sixth Year, six A.M.
(Scene: Harry's bed. He slowly wakes up and rolls over and proceeds to the bathroom, [Wherever that is] and proceeds to freshen up for the day. But as he touches his toothbrush)
H: Whoa!
(He's been transported to the resting-place of Tom Riddle Sr. Again.)
H: (sighs) Not again.
(Voldemort and about twenty Death Eaters
V: Yes, again. (Snaps his fingers)
(The Death Eaters tie him yet again to the same headstone. With the same ropes. And the same cauldron in the middle for some reason.)
V: I have tried to defeat you a total of seventeen times now.
H: Eighteen.
V: Thank you. Eighteen times have I tried to defeat you. (Pulls out wand) Crucio!
H: (grits teeth and stares Voldemort in the eye as the pain washes over him.)
V: You see? I have enacted every possible plot, every possible scheme against you. And none of them have succeeded. Until now that is. I have the perfect plot to break your will.
H: Oh? And what plot is this?
V: (whips out a muggle CD player) Singing!
H: NO!! Anything but that!
V: And it gets worse. You are going to sing with me!
H: (gasps) Never!
V: Yes! Imperio Musicalus!
(A flash of blue is seen and then: nothing. Everything is the same.)
H: (opens his eyes and looks around and smiles) Looks like your little curse didn't work. So can I go now?
V: (smiles a cruel smile) Just wait. Nott, if you will.
(A Death Eater steps forward and hits play. A lively jungle tune starts.)
V: This always has been my favorite Disney song.
H: Disney?!
V: (starts singing) I'm gonna
Be a mighty dictator-over-the-entire world!
So enemies of the heir beware!
H: Well I've never seen a king or beast
With quite so little hair! (Shuts mouth astounded at himself for singing.)
V: I'm gonna be the main top guy!
Like no dictator-over-the-entire world was before!
I'm rushing up!
Not looking down!
I'm workin' on my Cruciatus Curse!
(He hits Harry with the Cruciatus curse. The Death Eaters begin to cheer.)
H (obviously in pain): Thus far a rather
Uninspiring Thing!
V: Oh, I just can't wait to be dictator-over-the-entire world!
(Happy jungle music plays and the Death Eaters begin to skip merrily around Voldie, who is swaying gently to the beat, and smiling broadly, showing all ten of his fangs. Harry is beginning to look sick)
V: No Dumbledore saying do this!
H: Now wait a minute!
V: No Snape saying be at the restaurant at eight or sometime near!
H: (looks sick as he pictures Snape telling Voldemort to be anywhere at eight)
V: No Potters saying stop that!
H: (Looks enraged)
V: No one saying see here!
(Percy suddenly appears)
P: Now see here!
(Voldemort kills him.)
V: Free to kill people all day!
H: Well that's definitely out.
V: Free to kill people my way!
(Voldemort begins skipping around killing Death Eaters and picking flowers. It is truly disgusting.)
H: Now I think it's time,
That you and I
Arranged a heart to heart!
V: Dictators-over-the-entire world don't need to prove anything
To little orphans for a start.
H: If this is where the world is going, count me out,
Put me out-of-service, if you dare do it. Hah! I'll never hang about.
With your team of stupid Death Eaters
V (ignoring this): Oh, I just can't wait to be dictator-over-the-entire-world!
(Begins skipping and killing again. Trust me. You do not want to see the Dark Lord skip.)
V: Everybody look left!
(Two people turn and look left.)
V: (stops singing) I didn't say 'Voldemort Says'!
(He kills the two Death Eaters, who collapse on top of the other 14 Death Eaters he's killed during this song.)
V: Now where were we?
(Mr. Malfoy runs up to Voldemort with a page of sheet music. Voldemort snatches it and scans down it quickly.)
V: Ah, yes, thank you. Good-bye.
(He kills Malfoy.)
H: (starts to feel better about this whole thing)
V: (starts the magic music player again and starts singing) Voldemort says…everybody look right!
(The few remaining Death Eaters look to the right quickly.)
V: Everywhere you look I'm
Standing Spotlight!
H: Not yet!
DE: Let every Dark wizard go for broke and sing!
H: (Notices that his ropes are loose.)
DE: Let's hear the screams in the houses. Let's 'em ring!
H: (Begins slipping out of ropes)
DE (Dancing in a circle): It's going to be Dictator-Over-The-Entire-World Voldemort's finest fling!
H: (tiptoes off slowly)
V: Oh, I just can't wait to be dictator-over-the-entire-world!
(The three remaining Death Eaters hoist up Voldemort on their shoulders and spin him around.)
V: Oh, I just can't wait to be dictator-over-the-entire-world!
H: (makes a mad dash for his toothbrush)
V: Oh, I just can't wait! (Sees Harry running) To be dictator-over-the-entire-world! (Pulls out wand)
V: Avada Kedavra! (Curse hits the spot where Harry just was)
(Voldemort is dropped as the Death eaters all try to curse Harry)
V: (music has stopped) Stop him you fools! Stop him!
(Too late. Harry has reached his toothbrush.)
V: Grrrrrr. Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! (Only Wormtail is left. The two of them stand there among the dead bodies and then look at each other.)
V: (smiles broadly) Well that was fun. Shall we do it again sometime?
(Back at Harry's dorm)
H: (walks back into the dorm and checks the time. The magical clock reads 6:30. Hmm, a new record.)
(Ron sits up and opens the curtains of his four-poster sleepily.)
R: Where have you been? It's six-ruddy-thirty in the morning?!
H: Voldemort tried to kill me again. Go back to sleep.
(We hear a whump as Ron flops back down into bed.)
H: I wonder how he's going to try to kill me next time. Hopefully, it will be more fun than this last party.