Disclaimer: see part 1
Part 3
Where the heart is
By Random1377
Shinji brought his hand up to knock on Misato's door, then paused, -What am I doing?- he wondered, -I live here!- he dropped his hand to his side, staring at the door as if he had never seen it before. "Do I, though?" he said softly to himself, "Do I really?"
He lowered his eyes, staring at the floor just in front of the portal. His thoughts where a maelstrom of confusion, -Rei... Maya... home...- he thought, -DO I live here?- he finally settled on the last concern, "Do I really have a home... anymore?" he whispered.
He thought about it for a moment, then realized he had promised Asuka he would talk to her... and it had been two hours since he left school, Rei's words - 'Does she love you?' - burning in his mind... as well as other memories of the blue-haired girl. He opened the door, determined to put those thoughts away.
"Asuka?" he called tentatively, "Sorry I'm late, I had to clean up all alone and I..." he trailed off as he found the redhead with her head in her hands, sitting at the kitchen table. As first, he thought she was asleep... but closer inspection revealed that she was staring into space with a slight frown.
He reached out and laid a hand on her shoulder, "Asuka?" he repeated, giving her a small shake.
She started, "Shinji! Don't sneak up me like that, you idiot! You almost gave me a heart-attack!" she glared at him, covering her chest.
"I'm sor-" he interrupted himself, -Why am I apologizing?- he thought with sudden anger, -She asked me to come over, and then gets all pissy because SHE'S in a trance when I get here?? I don't need this... least of all today!-
"Ok..." he said, his lips drawing down, "I... you know where you can find me when you're actually ready to talk." He said coolly, heading for the door.
She stood up suddenly, "Shinji?" He turned to face her, still frowning, "Please don't leave... ok? I'm... I'm sorry..."
He was not quite ready to accept her apology... it had been a bad day, filled with confusion and discord, and he didn't feel very forgiving. "What did you need, Asuka?" he said, his tone sounding harsher than he intended.
"I..." her mind struggled frantically at the edge of a deep abyss, -He DOESN'T CARE!!- her thoughts screamed, -Let him leave if he wants to! He doesn't CARE!-. Finally, a still, soft voice inside her mind whispered, -Tell him, he will understand...- She took a deep, shuddering breath, "Shinji... I'm... I'm all alone..." her voice came out very small, making her feel more pathetic than she already did.
Shinji instantly regretted his abrasive tone, "Asuka... I..." he crossed the room and drew her into his arms, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be so mean..." She put her arms around him, sighing softly.
-I told you...- her mind whispered, -he will understand it all... just let him.- "Shinji?" she whispered, "Will you... lay down with me while we talk?"
He pulled back a bit, confused, "You mean... like a few weeks ago?"
She nodded, "Yes... it's very soothing for me," she grinned, "and I promise I won't put the moves on you."
This did not get the result she was expecting. Instead of giving a laugh, or even a small smile, Shinji frowned deeply. "Ok..." he said softly, "as long as you promise..."
She blinked, "Yeah... I do." She led him to her bedroom and had him lay down first, then climbed onto the bed beside him, nestling herself close to his side. It was a very intimate feeling for both of them... yet, neither one felt aroused in any way - just... comfortable.
"What's going on, Asuka?" he said after a moment's silence. He put his hand on hers, hoping it would further relax her.
"I..." she didn't really know where to begin, so she dove in at the center... letting her forthright nature lead the way. "I'm not happy Shinji," she said flatly, "lately I've felt like I'm all alone... and that no one cares about me. It seems like I'm only good for piloting EVA, and even that I'm not doing as well as I used to..." she took a deep breath and let it out slowly, "you've seen my sync scores."
He nodded, "Yeah, I've seen them, but Asuka," he said, trying to hold her tighter, "there's more to life than just EVA..." he swallowed, remembering the events of a few hours ago, "and I care for you." -Please...- his mind whispered, -don't react like Rei...-
She looked up at him, smiling, "Do you... I mean, really? You're not just saying that to make me feel better?" he nodded, smiling. Suddenly, her fears seemed groundless, -I knew he cared for me...- she thought, -why did I even worry?-
"Thanks," she said sincerely, leaning forward to give him a peck on the cheek, "it means a lot to me that you-"
As her lips drew closer, Shinji panicked, "NO!" he cried, turning his head away so she couldn't reach him.
Asuka frowned, misinterpreting his response, "What is it?" she said, "Were you just lying to me?" Her voice grew angry, "You don't care, do you??"
He shook his head, "That's not it!" he said desperately, "It's just that I... that..."
"WHAT!" she yelled, "Just what?"
He squeezed his eyes closed, "When I was cleaning up at school..." he said quietly, ignoring his mind's frantic pleas for him to stop, "Ayanami came to talk to me..."
"So?" Asuka said, her anger fading into confusion, -He is so tightly wound,- she thought, -so what if Wondergirl talked to-
His next statement shattered her line of thought like a glass dropped from a table, "She kissed me..." he whispered.
**
Rei sat on her bed, most pleased with herself. "Ikari..." she whispered softly, a very small smile creeping across her face.
Her mind went back once more to the events played out several hours ago. The way his lips felt against hers, so soft and warm. The way he had closed his eyes and tilted his head to the side, allowing more of her mouth to press against his. The way he had moaned softly as she ran her hands across his cheek. The small thrill that had run through her as he touched her the same way.
And then, as quickly as it had begun, it was over. His eyes had flown open and he had broken away, stammering an apology and some vague excuse about needing to talk to Asuka.
She ran her fingers carefully across her lips, trying to recall the exact feel of the kiss.
"It was most pleasurable," she said, with contentment in her voice, "I hope that it will not be long before we can do it again..."
She briefly considered the idea that Shinji might not want to do it again, but discounted it immediately as she remembered his arm coming around her waist to pull her closer to him... and his simple words, 'I like you...'
She rolled over onto her stomach and closed her eyes, satisfied with the conclusion she had reached: Shinji had kissed her back, which meant that his relationship with Maya could not be THAT serious. And she fully intended to take every possible opportunity to kiss him again... and again... and again... until she was sure that she loved him... and he loved her.
**
"So what are you going to tell Maya?" Asuka asked when she finally regained her sense of balance.
"I don't know," he said miserably, "maybe I shouldn't tell her at all, it would crush her."
Asuka thought briefly, -He's right... she's so mousy that she'd probably think it was somehow HER fault.- "But Shinji," she said quietly, "if you don't tell her, then every time you kiss her it'll be like you're lying to her." -Where did THAT come from?- she wondered.
"I know," he said desperately, "the LAST thing I want to do is lie to her." He looked hopeful for a moment, "If I don't tell her, it's not a lie, right?"
She shook her head, "It's the same thing. Besides," she added in a matter-of-fact voice, "you could always tell her you didn't like it, right?"
He looked away, his voice trembling, "I... don't want to lie to her... Asuka..."
She blinked, "I... see." She shook her head, "Well... I think you should give it a day. Think about all the angles," she raised a finger, "but no more than that! A secret kept too long becomes a wound to the soul." -Really,- she thought with a blink, -where is this philosophical crap coming from??- She decided it must be his influence... and that, really, it wasn't so bad.
Shinji just nodded, "Yeah... I'll think about it."
They lay in silence for another hour, just enjoying the feeling of closeness and friendship, before Shinji finally announced that he had to go to Maya's (he could not bring himself to say go home, as part of him still felt that he WAS home... though only a small part). After Asuka had extracted a promise that he would spend more time with her, he left... no closer to a resolution than when he had arrived, but feeling that there may still be hope for a good outcome to all of this.
**
Maya sat in the kitchen and looked at her watch again, "Damn," she whispered, "where is he??"
She looked at the cold dinner sitting on the table and frowned deeply, thinking that it had been a long way to go to say 'I'm sorry' - especially when he would not get to eat it.
The door opened slowly, and after a moment, Shinji made his way into the kitchen, "Where have you been?" Maya said with a bit more force than she had intended, "I made dinner, but it's cold now."
Shinji looked at the table guiltily, "I... sorry, I had to clean up at school, then Asuka needed to talk to me about something."
Maya's frown deepened, "Oh she did, did she?" -Why am I doing this?- she asked herself, -He never said he would be here at a certain time...- "What did she want to talk about?"
He looked at the floor, "Nothing really... just some... family problems she's having."
Maya stood abruptly, "Whatever," she said, "I'm going to bed..."
"Do you... want me to stay?" he asked in a quiet voice, not looking up.
She stared at him for a moment, her lips pursed, "If you want to." She walked into the bedroom, leaving the door open behind her. She climbed under the covers, pressing a hand against her stomach, -Damn!- she thought, -Maybe Shinji will...- she let the thought go, realizing that he probably would not feel like comforting her cramps after the way she had spoken to him. -I hate this...- she thought, -I'm acting like a bitch... I HATE this!!-
After a moment of silence, Shinji came in and climbed into the bed beside her. "Goodnight," he whispered, a note of sadness in his voice, "I'm sorry that I ruined dinner..." He kissed her cheek gently and rolled onto his side, facing away from her.
She considered telling him that it was ok, but the twisting in her midsection drowned out any rational thought. She squeezed her eyes closed and waited for the pain to pass, -Tomorrow...- she thought, -I'll apologize tomorrow.-
The night past with agonizing slowness for Shinji, as thoughts of Rei and Maya conflicted in his dreams, waking him every few hours.
Sometime in the middle of the night, Maya rolled to face him and wrapped her arms around him, snuggling in close against him with a contented sigh. Shinji carefully put his arms around the sleeping woman and wept as the confusion became too much for him to bear...
Continued...
Part 3
Where the heart is
By Random1377
Shinji brought his hand up to knock on Misato's door, then paused, -What am I doing?- he wondered, -I live here!- he dropped his hand to his side, staring at the door as if he had never seen it before. "Do I, though?" he said softly to himself, "Do I really?"
He lowered his eyes, staring at the floor just in front of the portal. His thoughts where a maelstrom of confusion, -Rei... Maya... home...- he thought, -DO I live here?- he finally settled on the last concern, "Do I really have a home... anymore?" he whispered.
He thought about it for a moment, then realized he had promised Asuka he would talk to her... and it had been two hours since he left school, Rei's words - 'Does she love you?' - burning in his mind... as well as other memories of the blue-haired girl. He opened the door, determined to put those thoughts away.
"Asuka?" he called tentatively, "Sorry I'm late, I had to clean up all alone and I..." he trailed off as he found the redhead with her head in her hands, sitting at the kitchen table. As first, he thought she was asleep... but closer inspection revealed that she was staring into space with a slight frown.
He reached out and laid a hand on her shoulder, "Asuka?" he repeated, giving her a small shake.
She started, "Shinji! Don't sneak up me like that, you idiot! You almost gave me a heart-attack!" she glared at him, covering her chest.
"I'm sor-" he interrupted himself, -Why am I apologizing?- he thought with sudden anger, -She asked me to come over, and then gets all pissy because SHE'S in a trance when I get here?? I don't need this... least of all today!-
"Ok..." he said, his lips drawing down, "I... you know where you can find me when you're actually ready to talk." He said coolly, heading for the door.
She stood up suddenly, "Shinji?" He turned to face her, still frowning, "Please don't leave... ok? I'm... I'm sorry..."
He was not quite ready to accept her apology... it had been a bad day, filled with confusion and discord, and he didn't feel very forgiving. "What did you need, Asuka?" he said, his tone sounding harsher than he intended.
"I..." her mind struggled frantically at the edge of a deep abyss, -He DOESN'T CARE!!- her thoughts screamed, -Let him leave if he wants to! He doesn't CARE!-. Finally, a still, soft voice inside her mind whispered, -Tell him, he will understand...- She took a deep, shuddering breath, "Shinji... I'm... I'm all alone..." her voice came out very small, making her feel more pathetic than she already did.
Shinji instantly regretted his abrasive tone, "Asuka... I..." he crossed the room and drew her into his arms, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be so mean..." She put her arms around him, sighing softly.
-I told you...- her mind whispered, -he will understand it all... just let him.- "Shinji?" she whispered, "Will you... lay down with me while we talk?"
He pulled back a bit, confused, "You mean... like a few weeks ago?"
She nodded, "Yes... it's very soothing for me," she grinned, "and I promise I won't put the moves on you."
This did not get the result she was expecting. Instead of giving a laugh, or even a small smile, Shinji frowned deeply. "Ok..." he said softly, "as long as you promise..."
She blinked, "Yeah... I do." She led him to her bedroom and had him lay down first, then climbed onto the bed beside him, nestling herself close to his side. It was a very intimate feeling for both of them... yet, neither one felt aroused in any way - just... comfortable.
"What's going on, Asuka?" he said after a moment's silence. He put his hand on hers, hoping it would further relax her.
"I..." she didn't really know where to begin, so she dove in at the center... letting her forthright nature lead the way. "I'm not happy Shinji," she said flatly, "lately I've felt like I'm all alone... and that no one cares about me. It seems like I'm only good for piloting EVA, and even that I'm not doing as well as I used to..." she took a deep breath and let it out slowly, "you've seen my sync scores."
He nodded, "Yeah, I've seen them, but Asuka," he said, trying to hold her tighter, "there's more to life than just EVA..." he swallowed, remembering the events of a few hours ago, "and I care for you." -Please...- his mind whispered, -don't react like Rei...-
She looked up at him, smiling, "Do you... I mean, really? You're not just saying that to make me feel better?" he nodded, smiling. Suddenly, her fears seemed groundless, -I knew he cared for me...- she thought, -why did I even worry?-
"Thanks," she said sincerely, leaning forward to give him a peck on the cheek, "it means a lot to me that you-"
As her lips drew closer, Shinji panicked, "NO!" he cried, turning his head away so she couldn't reach him.
Asuka frowned, misinterpreting his response, "What is it?" she said, "Were you just lying to me?" Her voice grew angry, "You don't care, do you??"
He shook his head, "That's not it!" he said desperately, "It's just that I... that..."
"WHAT!" she yelled, "Just what?"
He squeezed his eyes closed, "When I was cleaning up at school..." he said quietly, ignoring his mind's frantic pleas for him to stop, "Ayanami came to talk to me..."
"So?" Asuka said, her anger fading into confusion, -He is so tightly wound,- she thought, -so what if Wondergirl talked to-
His next statement shattered her line of thought like a glass dropped from a table, "She kissed me..." he whispered.
**
Rei sat on her bed, most pleased with herself. "Ikari..." she whispered softly, a very small smile creeping across her face.
Her mind went back once more to the events played out several hours ago. The way his lips felt against hers, so soft and warm. The way he had closed his eyes and tilted his head to the side, allowing more of her mouth to press against his. The way he had moaned softly as she ran her hands across his cheek. The small thrill that had run through her as he touched her the same way.
And then, as quickly as it had begun, it was over. His eyes had flown open and he had broken away, stammering an apology and some vague excuse about needing to talk to Asuka.
She ran her fingers carefully across her lips, trying to recall the exact feel of the kiss.
"It was most pleasurable," she said, with contentment in her voice, "I hope that it will not be long before we can do it again..."
She briefly considered the idea that Shinji might not want to do it again, but discounted it immediately as she remembered his arm coming around her waist to pull her closer to him... and his simple words, 'I like you...'
She rolled over onto her stomach and closed her eyes, satisfied with the conclusion she had reached: Shinji had kissed her back, which meant that his relationship with Maya could not be THAT serious. And she fully intended to take every possible opportunity to kiss him again... and again... and again... until she was sure that she loved him... and he loved her.
**
"So what are you going to tell Maya?" Asuka asked when she finally regained her sense of balance.
"I don't know," he said miserably, "maybe I shouldn't tell her at all, it would crush her."
Asuka thought briefly, -He's right... she's so mousy that she'd probably think it was somehow HER fault.- "But Shinji," she said quietly, "if you don't tell her, then every time you kiss her it'll be like you're lying to her." -Where did THAT come from?- she wondered.
"I know," he said desperately, "the LAST thing I want to do is lie to her." He looked hopeful for a moment, "If I don't tell her, it's not a lie, right?"
She shook her head, "It's the same thing. Besides," she added in a matter-of-fact voice, "you could always tell her you didn't like it, right?"
He looked away, his voice trembling, "I... don't want to lie to her... Asuka..."
She blinked, "I... see." She shook her head, "Well... I think you should give it a day. Think about all the angles," she raised a finger, "but no more than that! A secret kept too long becomes a wound to the soul." -Really,- she thought with a blink, -where is this philosophical crap coming from??- She decided it must be his influence... and that, really, it wasn't so bad.
Shinji just nodded, "Yeah... I'll think about it."
They lay in silence for another hour, just enjoying the feeling of closeness and friendship, before Shinji finally announced that he had to go to Maya's (he could not bring himself to say go home, as part of him still felt that he WAS home... though only a small part). After Asuka had extracted a promise that he would spend more time with her, he left... no closer to a resolution than when he had arrived, but feeling that there may still be hope for a good outcome to all of this.
**
Maya sat in the kitchen and looked at her watch again, "Damn," she whispered, "where is he??"
She looked at the cold dinner sitting on the table and frowned deeply, thinking that it had been a long way to go to say 'I'm sorry' - especially when he would not get to eat it.
The door opened slowly, and after a moment, Shinji made his way into the kitchen, "Where have you been?" Maya said with a bit more force than she had intended, "I made dinner, but it's cold now."
Shinji looked at the table guiltily, "I... sorry, I had to clean up at school, then Asuka needed to talk to me about something."
Maya's frown deepened, "Oh she did, did she?" -Why am I doing this?- she asked herself, -He never said he would be here at a certain time...- "What did she want to talk about?"
He looked at the floor, "Nothing really... just some... family problems she's having."
Maya stood abruptly, "Whatever," she said, "I'm going to bed..."
"Do you... want me to stay?" he asked in a quiet voice, not looking up.
She stared at him for a moment, her lips pursed, "If you want to." She walked into the bedroom, leaving the door open behind her. She climbed under the covers, pressing a hand against her stomach, -Damn!- she thought, -Maybe Shinji will...- she let the thought go, realizing that he probably would not feel like comforting her cramps after the way she had spoken to him. -I hate this...- she thought, -I'm acting like a bitch... I HATE this!!-
After a moment of silence, Shinji came in and climbed into the bed beside her. "Goodnight," he whispered, a note of sadness in his voice, "I'm sorry that I ruined dinner..." He kissed her cheek gently and rolled onto his side, facing away from her.
She considered telling him that it was ok, but the twisting in her midsection drowned out any rational thought. She squeezed her eyes closed and waited for the pain to pass, -Tomorrow...- she thought, -I'll apologize tomorrow.-
The night past with agonizing slowness for Shinji, as thoughts of Rei and Maya conflicted in his dreams, waking him every few hours.
Sometime in the middle of the night, Maya rolled to face him and wrapped her arms around him, snuggling in close against him with a contented sigh. Shinji carefully put his arms around the sleeping woman and wept as the confusion became too much for him to bear...
Continued...