Disclaimer: see part 1.
Part 4
Fist full of sand
By Random1377
Rei came into the classroom and looked around. It had been several days since she had kissed Shinji, and she had thusfar been unable to find him alone again. He always seemed to have just left, or be on his way somewhere with the Second Child.
Rei was getting annoyed. Not angry, because it took a lot to get her angry... just - annoyed. She was certain that the redhead was somehow... keeping her away from Shinji. But she was unsure how since the reasons always seemed to be legitimate.
Now she looked around the almost empty classroom, finding only Asuka. "Something I can do for you, First?" Asuka said with a small smile.
Rei frowned ever so slightly, "I am looking for Ikari... have you seen him?"
Asuka looked pointedly around, "Don't see him anywhere, do you?"
Rei ignored her sarcasm, "I did not see him leave with the other students..." she said softly.
Asuka shrugged, "Don't know what to tell you, Wondergirl... I haven't seen him."
Rei frowned and left the room, giving one backward glance at Asuka. -She is... difficult...- she thought as she moved off down the hallway.
As soon as she had gone, Shinji climbed out from under the redhead's desk, "Whew... that was close..." he said, relief evident in his voice.
"You didn't peek, did you?" Asuka said, frowning, "Because I'd hate to have to kill you."
Shinji put his hands up, "Not one tiny peek, I swear! I looked at the floor the whole time!"
Satisfied, Asuka said, "Come on... let's get out of here before she decides I was lying and comes back."
"Ok," Shinji replied with a smile. As Asuka turned to leave, Shinji thought to himself, -Little red hearts... so cute! I wonder if Maya has any like that...- he hurried after the Second Child, his smile widening.
"So... have you told her yet?" Asuka asked as he caught up with her, brining his smile crashing down.
"No..." he said sadly, "I... just can't do it." He frowned as he thought of her apologizing to him the day after Rei had kissed him. He had been on the verge of telling her everything over breakfast when she had given a rough, 'I'm sorry about last night' and headed out the door for work - though she had stopped to give him a quick peck on the cheek.
This, of course, only served to confuse him further.
Asuka sighed, "Shinji... I'm not exactly..." she trailed off, "ok, look," she started over, "I know I'm not exactly the warm and fuzzy type - I never have been, and I doubt I ever will be - but if *I* was your girlfriend, I would damn sure want to know if you were kissing someone else!"
Shinji blinked as he thought of Asuka as his girlfriend. The one kiss they had shared had not exactly been on the top of his (albeit short) list of favorites... but it was his first, and he couldn't deny that he felt for the girl.
"Asuka," he said, shaking his head to clear the image of them together, "it's hard... Maya's..." he searched for the right words to make her understand without hurting her, "She's... fragile."
Asuka came up short, "What?" she said, starting to frown, "And I'm hard?"
-Damn...- he thought, his mind churning to find a way to get him out of this situation before it grew worse, "No..." he said cautiously, "you're independent. If we were dating, and I kissed another girl, I think you would do one of two things." He held up his fingers as he spoke, "One, you would beat me up and then forgive me. Or two, you would beat me up and then leave me." He shook his head, "But Maya... I think Maya would just be hurt. I don't know if she would leave me or forgive me, but either way, I think she would find a way to make it be her fault... and I wouldn't be able to convince her otherwise. Does that make sense?"
Asuka's brow cleared and she sighed, continuing to walk, "I... guess you're right, but I still think you should tell her..."
Shinji sighed, "I will... I just need to find a way to do it without hurting her." -Maybe Misato can help...- he thought as they walked towards the apartment, -I can at least ask her if she's been in love - maybe then I can find a way to figure out if Maya loves me...-
He thought about it more as they walked home in comfortable silence, deciding by the time they got there that perhaps he might even tell his guardian the whole situation.
**
Shinji looked at Misato as she worked at the kitchen table, beginning to lose his nerve now that he was confronted with the reality of talking to her. Gathering his courage he said, "Misato? Do you have a minute?"
Shinji had told Asuka about his intention to ask Misato for advice. Asuka had been dubious, 'I don't think her track record with relationships is so good, Shinji...' she had said. But ultimately she agreed to make herself scarce, so as soon as they got home she announced that she was going to Hikari's to spend the night and walked out the door, smiling to Shinji and mouthing, 'Good luck.'
Misato looked up from the paper she had been reading, "What's up?" she asked.
"Well... I was wondering..." he began, then paused. -No...- he thought suddenly, -I can't tell her about Rei... she might tell Ritsuko, who would tell Maya... DAMN!-
"What is it, Shinji?" she asked curiously, putting the paper down and focusing on him, -Maybe he's finally going to ask for some advice!- she thought hopefully.
Shinji looked at his guardian, licking his lips before proceeding, "Misato, have you ever been in love?"
She blinked, then stared at the floor as if debating something, -Wasn't exactly expecting THAT angle...- "Come with me..." she said finally, pushing back from the table and grabbing her keys as she headed for the door.
Shinji followed her to her car, and they drove in silence across Tokyo-3 to a small apartment complex not too far from NERV.
"What are we doing here?" he asked, confused.
"Just follow." She said, seeming to grow more agitated as they exited the car and moved into the apartment building.
They walked quietly through the disused halls until they came to a non-descript door. She produced a key and slid it into the lock, but hesitated before turning it, "Shinji..." she said quietly, staring at the key intently, "what I'm going to show you in here is very... personal to me," she looked up, meeting his eyes, "I'm only showing you because I care for you... so if I..." she cleared her throat, and Shinji realized she was very close to crying, "if you laugh at me, or make me feel bad in any way... I'll never forgive you, you understand?"
He nodded, reaching out tentatively to touch her arm, "I... you know I never would, Misato." He said softly.
She smiled, blinking hard, "Yeah... I know it's just... well, let me show you."
She turned the key and opened the door.
Shinji found himself ushered into a small, one-bedroom apartment. Clean, but filled with papers and various bits and pieces of technological hardware. Taking a closer look, he realized that everything looked slightly... off. As it if had all been moved and put back, but not EXACTLY where it had been before. There was also a thin coat of dust on everything, and a certain... empty feeling.
His eyes landed on a picture of a young man sitting with his arms around a young purple-haired girl. The girl was smiling brightly, and the man had his lips pressed against her cheek.
"This is Kaji's apartment," Shinji said, looking to Misato for confirmation, "isn't it?"
She nodded, and walked over to the picture, "Yes..." she said, wiping the dust from the glass, but leaving the photo where it sat, "this is where he lived. I had the damnedest time finding the place the first time he had me over..." she smiled wistfully.
Shinji smiled as he looked around, "Kinda dusty... he's going to have a lot of cleaning to do when he gets back." He looked at Misato, who was not smiling.
"Shinji," she said, "he's not coming back..." her eye began to tear, "and he never... never told me that he loved me." Holding her emotions in check, she went on, "That's why I brought you here, Shinji," she said, gesturing around the room, "I wanted to show you what can happen if you let something go." She picked up the picture, "Have you ever been to the beach?"
He blinked, "Yeah... sure I have." He wondered where she was going with this line of thought.
"Have you ever tried to hold sand in your fist?" she whispered, running her fingertips over the young Kaji's image.
He frowned, "Yes," he said, "why?"
She set the picture down, "Love is like that, Shinji... unless you hold it tightly it will slide through your fingers."
He shook his head, "I don't understand why you're telling me this," he said, "I'm sorry that Kaji didn't tell you he loved you, but I wanted to know if YOU were ever-"
"You're not paying attention," she said, cutting him off as she crossed the small room to stand in front of him, "I never told him either, Shinji..." she said softly, "I loved him with all that I am, and I never told him..." she looked back at the picture, "and now I can't. It's too late, because I opened my hand."
He swallowed as she went on, "Don't open your hand Shinji... hold onto what you have for as long as you can. Maya's a good woman... don't let her go."
He looked over her shoulder at the smiling girl in the picture - so different from the sad woman before him, and said softly, "I would never let her go, Misato..." he looked away from the picture and into her eyes, "I would hold onto her if she was on fire and I was made of cloth." He sighed deeply, shaking his head, "But I don't think she feels the same, Misato... she's gotten distant in the last few days..." he looked around the dusty room, "I don't think it will last much longer."
Misato blinked in surprise, "I... I didn't know. I'm sorry, Shinji... do you want me to talk to her for you?"
"No..." he said, looking at the floor, "I... wouldn't want her to feel pressured. I promised I would never make her do anything she didn't want to," he took a deep, shuddery breath and met the purple-haired woman's eyes, smiling sadly, "even if that includes seeing me."
"Shinji..." she whispered, "I... if I can help you, will you let me know?"
He nodded, "Yeah... but I don't think you can." He smiled at her, "Thank you, though."
She nodded, "Hey," she said suddenly, "let's get out of here and get dinner - my treat, ok?"
"Yeah," he said with some relief, "let's go." As they stepped out of the apartment Shinji stopped and turned to his guardian, "Misato..." he said hesitantly, "you could always tell him now... you know..."
She blinked and looked into the abandoned apartment, "Umm..."
He put a hand on her shoulder, turning her around and pushing gently, "Go ahead..." he encouraged quietly, "I'll wait, I'm not that hungry"
Misato stepped into the apartment and closed the door carefully. She looked around for a moment, not sure of what to say. Finally her eyes alighted on the picture, and she knew exactly the right words, "Goodbye, Kaji..." she said softly, blowing the picture a kiss, "though you never told me, I felt it," she touched her chest, "here." She took a deep breath, "and I love you..."
As she closed the door and locked it, she felt an odd sense of relief... or maybe closure is a better word - as if she was finally free of a long-carried burden. As the door swung shut, never to be opened again, a small packet slipped out of the picture frame and fell to the desk, emptying itself with a quiet hiss.
The fading afternoon light seeping through the blinds gave soft illumination to the envelope's contents - a long held, secretly cherished, handful of sand...
Continued...
Author's note: the scene with Misato finally letting go of Kaji is LOOSLY based on a scene from the TV series Friends (yes, that's right: Friends). In the episode one of the downstairs neighbors died and they helped clean out his apartment, and at the very end the last one to leave closes the door gently, whispering, "Goodbye Mister Heckles... we'll try to keep it down..." Though none of them particularly cared for the man (he was constantly bothering them, actually... hence the character name: Heckles), the scene still hit me pretty hard - just a simple promise of courtesy to a departed soul... a peace offering in a war that could now never be decisively won. Why am I mentioning all of this? Hell, I don't know... I guess the best reason I could give is that it affected me. It affected me because it caught me off-guard... I wasn't expecting to feel that sad over a four-second exchange between a primary cast member and an empty room... and I pulled every bit of writing skill that I have to try and recreate the feeling it gave me. Hopefully I didn't botch it.
Thanks to JobFaust for pre-reading... and thanks to all of you that read my work.
Feedback is always welcome at random1377@yahoo.com
Part 4
Fist full of sand
By Random1377
Rei came into the classroom and looked around. It had been several days since she had kissed Shinji, and she had thusfar been unable to find him alone again. He always seemed to have just left, or be on his way somewhere with the Second Child.
Rei was getting annoyed. Not angry, because it took a lot to get her angry... just - annoyed. She was certain that the redhead was somehow... keeping her away from Shinji. But she was unsure how since the reasons always seemed to be legitimate.
Now she looked around the almost empty classroom, finding only Asuka. "Something I can do for you, First?" Asuka said with a small smile.
Rei frowned ever so slightly, "I am looking for Ikari... have you seen him?"
Asuka looked pointedly around, "Don't see him anywhere, do you?"
Rei ignored her sarcasm, "I did not see him leave with the other students..." she said softly.
Asuka shrugged, "Don't know what to tell you, Wondergirl... I haven't seen him."
Rei frowned and left the room, giving one backward glance at Asuka. -She is... difficult...- she thought as she moved off down the hallway.
As soon as she had gone, Shinji climbed out from under the redhead's desk, "Whew... that was close..." he said, relief evident in his voice.
"You didn't peek, did you?" Asuka said, frowning, "Because I'd hate to have to kill you."
Shinji put his hands up, "Not one tiny peek, I swear! I looked at the floor the whole time!"
Satisfied, Asuka said, "Come on... let's get out of here before she decides I was lying and comes back."
"Ok," Shinji replied with a smile. As Asuka turned to leave, Shinji thought to himself, -Little red hearts... so cute! I wonder if Maya has any like that...- he hurried after the Second Child, his smile widening.
"So... have you told her yet?" Asuka asked as he caught up with her, brining his smile crashing down.
"No..." he said sadly, "I... just can't do it." He frowned as he thought of her apologizing to him the day after Rei had kissed him. He had been on the verge of telling her everything over breakfast when she had given a rough, 'I'm sorry about last night' and headed out the door for work - though she had stopped to give him a quick peck on the cheek.
This, of course, only served to confuse him further.
Asuka sighed, "Shinji... I'm not exactly..." she trailed off, "ok, look," she started over, "I know I'm not exactly the warm and fuzzy type - I never have been, and I doubt I ever will be - but if *I* was your girlfriend, I would damn sure want to know if you were kissing someone else!"
Shinji blinked as he thought of Asuka as his girlfriend. The one kiss they had shared had not exactly been on the top of his (albeit short) list of favorites... but it was his first, and he couldn't deny that he felt for the girl.
"Asuka," he said, shaking his head to clear the image of them together, "it's hard... Maya's..." he searched for the right words to make her understand without hurting her, "She's... fragile."
Asuka came up short, "What?" she said, starting to frown, "And I'm hard?"
-Damn...- he thought, his mind churning to find a way to get him out of this situation before it grew worse, "No..." he said cautiously, "you're independent. If we were dating, and I kissed another girl, I think you would do one of two things." He held up his fingers as he spoke, "One, you would beat me up and then forgive me. Or two, you would beat me up and then leave me." He shook his head, "But Maya... I think Maya would just be hurt. I don't know if she would leave me or forgive me, but either way, I think she would find a way to make it be her fault... and I wouldn't be able to convince her otherwise. Does that make sense?"
Asuka's brow cleared and she sighed, continuing to walk, "I... guess you're right, but I still think you should tell her..."
Shinji sighed, "I will... I just need to find a way to do it without hurting her." -Maybe Misato can help...- he thought as they walked towards the apartment, -I can at least ask her if she's been in love - maybe then I can find a way to figure out if Maya loves me...-
He thought about it more as they walked home in comfortable silence, deciding by the time they got there that perhaps he might even tell his guardian the whole situation.
**
Shinji looked at Misato as she worked at the kitchen table, beginning to lose his nerve now that he was confronted with the reality of talking to her. Gathering his courage he said, "Misato? Do you have a minute?"
Shinji had told Asuka about his intention to ask Misato for advice. Asuka had been dubious, 'I don't think her track record with relationships is so good, Shinji...' she had said. But ultimately she agreed to make herself scarce, so as soon as they got home she announced that she was going to Hikari's to spend the night and walked out the door, smiling to Shinji and mouthing, 'Good luck.'
Misato looked up from the paper she had been reading, "What's up?" she asked.
"Well... I was wondering..." he began, then paused. -No...- he thought suddenly, -I can't tell her about Rei... she might tell Ritsuko, who would tell Maya... DAMN!-
"What is it, Shinji?" she asked curiously, putting the paper down and focusing on him, -Maybe he's finally going to ask for some advice!- she thought hopefully.
Shinji looked at his guardian, licking his lips before proceeding, "Misato, have you ever been in love?"
She blinked, then stared at the floor as if debating something, -Wasn't exactly expecting THAT angle...- "Come with me..." she said finally, pushing back from the table and grabbing her keys as she headed for the door.
Shinji followed her to her car, and they drove in silence across Tokyo-3 to a small apartment complex not too far from NERV.
"What are we doing here?" he asked, confused.
"Just follow." She said, seeming to grow more agitated as they exited the car and moved into the apartment building.
They walked quietly through the disused halls until they came to a non-descript door. She produced a key and slid it into the lock, but hesitated before turning it, "Shinji..." she said quietly, staring at the key intently, "what I'm going to show you in here is very... personal to me," she looked up, meeting his eyes, "I'm only showing you because I care for you... so if I..." she cleared her throat, and Shinji realized she was very close to crying, "if you laugh at me, or make me feel bad in any way... I'll never forgive you, you understand?"
He nodded, reaching out tentatively to touch her arm, "I... you know I never would, Misato." He said softly.
She smiled, blinking hard, "Yeah... I know it's just... well, let me show you."
She turned the key and opened the door.
Shinji found himself ushered into a small, one-bedroom apartment. Clean, but filled with papers and various bits and pieces of technological hardware. Taking a closer look, he realized that everything looked slightly... off. As it if had all been moved and put back, but not EXACTLY where it had been before. There was also a thin coat of dust on everything, and a certain... empty feeling.
His eyes landed on a picture of a young man sitting with his arms around a young purple-haired girl. The girl was smiling brightly, and the man had his lips pressed against her cheek.
"This is Kaji's apartment," Shinji said, looking to Misato for confirmation, "isn't it?"
She nodded, and walked over to the picture, "Yes..." she said, wiping the dust from the glass, but leaving the photo where it sat, "this is where he lived. I had the damnedest time finding the place the first time he had me over..." she smiled wistfully.
Shinji smiled as he looked around, "Kinda dusty... he's going to have a lot of cleaning to do when he gets back." He looked at Misato, who was not smiling.
"Shinji," she said, "he's not coming back..." her eye began to tear, "and he never... never told me that he loved me." Holding her emotions in check, she went on, "That's why I brought you here, Shinji," she said, gesturing around the room, "I wanted to show you what can happen if you let something go." She picked up the picture, "Have you ever been to the beach?"
He blinked, "Yeah... sure I have." He wondered where she was going with this line of thought.
"Have you ever tried to hold sand in your fist?" she whispered, running her fingertips over the young Kaji's image.
He frowned, "Yes," he said, "why?"
She set the picture down, "Love is like that, Shinji... unless you hold it tightly it will slide through your fingers."
He shook his head, "I don't understand why you're telling me this," he said, "I'm sorry that Kaji didn't tell you he loved you, but I wanted to know if YOU were ever-"
"You're not paying attention," she said, cutting him off as she crossed the small room to stand in front of him, "I never told him either, Shinji..." she said softly, "I loved him with all that I am, and I never told him..." she looked back at the picture, "and now I can't. It's too late, because I opened my hand."
He swallowed as she went on, "Don't open your hand Shinji... hold onto what you have for as long as you can. Maya's a good woman... don't let her go."
He looked over her shoulder at the smiling girl in the picture - so different from the sad woman before him, and said softly, "I would never let her go, Misato..." he looked away from the picture and into her eyes, "I would hold onto her if she was on fire and I was made of cloth." He sighed deeply, shaking his head, "But I don't think she feels the same, Misato... she's gotten distant in the last few days..." he looked around the dusty room, "I don't think it will last much longer."
Misato blinked in surprise, "I... I didn't know. I'm sorry, Shinji... do you want me to talk to her for you?"
"No..." he said, looking at the floor, "I... wouldn't want her to feel pressured. I promised I would never make her do anything she didn't want to," he took a deep, shuddery breath and met the purple-haired woman's eyes, smiling sadly, "even if that includes seeing me."
"Shinji..." she whispered, "I... if I can help you, will you let me know?"
He nodded, "Yeah... but I don't think you can." He smiled at her, "Thank you, though."
She nodded, "Hey," she said suddenly, "let's get out of here and get dinner - my treat, ok?"
"Yeah," he said with some relief, "let's go." As they stepped out of the apartment Shinji stopped and turned to his guardian, "Misato..." he said hesitantly, "you could always tell him now... you know..."
She blinked and looked into the abandoned apartment, "Umm..."
He put a hand on her shoulder, turning her around and pushing gently, "Go ahead..." he encouraged quietly, "I'll wait, I'm not that hungry"
Misato stepped into the apartment and closed the door carefully. She looked around for a moment, not sure of what to say. Finally her eyes alighted on the picture, and she knew exactly the right words, "Goodbye, Kaji..." she said softly, blowing the picture a kiss, "though you never told me, I felt it," she touched her chest, "here." She took a deep breath, "and I love you..."
As she closed the door and locked it, she felt an odd sense of relief... or maybe closure is a better word - as if she was finally free of a long-carried burden. As the door swung shut, never to be opened again, a small packet slipped out of the picture frame and fell to the desk, emptying itself with a quiet hiss.
The fading afternoon light seeping through the blinds gave soft illumination to the envelope's contents - a long held, secretly cherished, handful of sand...
Continued...
Author's note: the scene with Misato finally letting go of Kaji is LOOSLY based on a scene from the TV series Friends (yes, that's right: Friends). In the episode one of the downstairs neighbors died and they helped clean out his apartment, and at the very end the last one to leave closes the door gently, whispering, "Goodbye Mister Heckles... we'll try to keep it down..." Though none of them particularly cared for the man (he was constantly bothering them, actually... hence the character name: Heckles), the scene still hit me pretty hard - just a simple promise of courtesy to a departed soul... a peace offering in a war that could now never be decisively won. Why am I mentioning all of this? Hell, I don't know... I guess the best reason I could give is that it affected me. It affected me because it caught me off-guard... I wasn't expecting to feel that sad over a four-second exchange between a primary cast member and an empty room... and I pulled every bit of writing skill that I have to try and recreate the feeling it gave me. Hopefully I didn't botch it.
Thanks to JobFaust for pre-reading... and thanks to all of you that read my work.
Feedback is always welcome at random1377@yahoo.com