"Stupid Beach Fic" by Neko Sheep
Warnings: Shounen ai (1+2, 3+4) And that this is really really dumb ^_^
I own nothing.
"Hot. It's hot. It's so hot I'm gonna melt and get the carpet all wet and it's gonna rot and smell funky and you'll all complain and you'll hafta get the carpet cleaned and it'll be expensive and ALL BECAUSE IT'S HOT!!!" Duo wailed, sliding from the couch onto the floor.
"The heat is making him delirious…" Quatre sighed, leaning on Trowa and fanning himself with a magazine.
Trowa squirmed away from Quatre. "Too hot…" he mumbled, flopping over the arm of the couch.
"Mantra shoe minchy toga stare positioning." Wufei stated from the kitchen.
Everybody looked at each other for a minute.
"If you're going to talk, Chang, get your head out of the freezer. It's my turn anyways." Heero said irritably.
Wufei emerged from the kitchen with a blue plastic cup full of ice.
"ICE!!! Wu-man, share!" Duo cried, leaping up and scrambling towards Wufei. Wufei calmly stiff armed him and sat down in the chair Heero had left. "I said, It's because Quatre's too stingy to get us air conditioning."
Quatre looked defensive. "I told you, it's all wrapped up in the company and trust funds and my sisters!"
Wufei grunted and crunched down hard on a piece of ice.
"Wufei!" Quatre scolded. "You'll break your teeth!"
Wufei replied by chucking ice at him.
"Guys!!! We gotta do SOMETHING! We can't all fit in the freezer!" Duo wailed, flopping around on the floor like a landed fish. Suddenly, inspiration struck and he sat up straight. "LET'S GO SWIMMING!!!"
All was silent for a minute.
"Swimming?" Heero said, slamming the freezer door.
"Swimming!" Duo repeated.
"Swimming?" Trowa said slowly, like he'd never heard the word before.
"SWIMMING!!!" Duo bellowed.
"This is getting redundant." Quatre commented.
"You want to go swimming?" Wufei asked.
"YES! Did you all take stupid pills this morning??? SWIMMING! Water! Sand! Ugly towels! Little fishies that bite your toes! Grody green weeds! Little kids and those weird foam noodles! FUN!!! COLD!!!" Duo shouted, gesturing expansively.
"I…I've never been near a body of water bigger than a bathtub…" Quatre said nervously. He was mostly ignored.
"I don't have any swim trunks." Wufei said with great dignity.
"Don't worry, Wu-man, I'll hook ya up!"
"I guess we could go swimming…" Heero said reluctantly.
"It's better than taking turns at the freezer." Trowa added.
And so it was decided that the pilots would go swimming.
~~~
The beach was mostly empty when they got there, just a few families with kids.
Then they saw it.
Relena.
She was sitting on a beach chair, wearing a skimpy pink bikini, sunglasses, and a large, ugly, floppy hat.
"No. I'm not going down there. No way." Heero said, turning around and heading back to the truck.
"Oh yes you are." Duo singsong-ed, grabbing his arm and dragging him down the hill. "I won't let her molest you. Now let's GO! It's not getting no cooler!"
~~~
Trowa turned to Wufei. "Where's Quatre?"
Wufei turned around to look behind them. "Oh Nataku…" he breathed.
"What?" Trowa said, turning around. "Oh…my…god…"
Quatre was making his way carefully down the hill, wearing every floaty thing Duo had brought. Including one of those stupid ducky things that little kids wear around their waists.
"HI TROWA!!!" he yelled happily.
Trowa slumped visibly. Wufei snickered, patted Trowa on the shoulder and followed Duo and Heero.
Duo was slathering sunscreen all over himself and Heero, and Relena was buzzing around them like a horsefly. "C'mere Wu, you'll fry without this." Duo said, waving the sunscreen bottle around.
"Sunscreen is for the weak." Wufei sniffed.
"You'll be sorry…" Duo called, following Relena as she hauled Heero off.
"Come ON, Quatre…" Trowa sighed. "You can go past your knees without drowning."
"But Trowa…" Quatre whined nervously, inching out into the water. "I've never swam before…"
"…".
~~~
"Relena! Let GO! DUO! Stop drowning Wufei! RELENA!!!" Heero yelled.
Relena stopped yanking on Heero's arm. "What's wrong, Heero?" she pouted.
"My arm doesn't go that way."
"MAXWELL!!!"
"Hi, Wufei! Wufei? Wufei?! Hey! Don't…blrrrrrpgh!!!!!"
After Duo surfaced, he noticed something. There was a pack of JetSkis zooming around the lake. He looked from the JetSkis to Relena on her ugly pink raft, and back to the JetSkis. He elbowed Heero and motioned to the skis. Realization dawned on him. Duo whispered something to Wufei and he grinned. All three grabbed the end of Relena's raft and shoved her out to sea…directly into the path of an oncoming JetSki.
"Hey! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeero! AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" she screamed as the JetSki wiped her out. All that remained was a few scraps of pink bikini. Duo and Heero screamed in triumph and kissed, finally free of the parasite Relena. Wufei shook his head.
Then everybody promptly forgot about her.
"Let's go make a sandcastle." Duo suggested.
"Okay." Heero said.
~~~
Up by the beach, Trowa had finally coaxed Quatre out into the water. He was bobbing in the water like a happy blonde three-year-old. "Lookit, Trowa, I'm doing it! I'm swimming!"
"Great. Grand. Wonderful." Trowa said dully.
Quatre bobbed.
~~~
"Okay." Duo said, flopping down in the sand and digging furiously with a stick. Heero sat and watched, nonplussed. Wufei had gone to observe the bobbing Quatre with Trowa. Duo's sandcastle slowly emerged. It was a lopsided cube that looked like it had a nose, with a ditch around it. He carved holes into it and covered the whole thing in gravel. He pressed snail shells and rocks into it at seemingly random places, chattering incessantly the whole time. Then he dug a hole beside the castle, explaining that it was a pond. He planted weeds around it ("Trees!") and filled it and the moat with water. Finally, he topped off the castle with a large rock and dubbed it "Maxwell Castle".
"See, Heero? It's our house!" Duo cried with glee.
Heero stared at him.
~~~
Quatre bobbed.
~~~
"Ow…ow…" Wufei whined.
"I TOLD you about the sunscreen…"Duo sighed, slathering aloe on Wufei's very sunburned back and shoulders. "But you thought sunscreen was for the weak and now you look like a lobster and it's all your own fault." he lectured.
"Ow…"
~~~
"Well…we better go." Heero said, shaking the sand out of his hair.
"Do we have tooooooo?" Duo moaned.
"Well, Wufei can hardly move and it's getting dark."
"You're going to have to unbury me first." Trowa said flatly. Quatre beamed from where he was sitting on the very buried Trowa.
"Quatre, unbury Trowa and let's goooo…" Wufei whimpered quite uncharacteristically, wincing with the effort.
Quatre unburied Trowa and Wufei got all the seaweed out of his hair and Duo got a scrap of Relena's bikini for a souvenir and they went home and got on with their lives.
~OWARI~
Warnings: Shounen ai (1+2, 3+4) And that this is really really dumb ^_^
I own nothing.
"Hot. It's hot. It's so hot I'm gonna melt and get the carpet all wet and it's gonna rot and smell funky and you'll all complain and you'll hafta get the carpet cleaned and it'll be expensive and ALL BECAUSE IT'S HOT!!!" Duo wailed, sliding from the couch onto the floor.
"The heat is making him delirious…" Quatre sighed, leaning on Trowa and fanning himself with a magazine.
Trowa squirmed away from Quatre. "Too hot…" he mumbled, flopping over the arm of the couch.
"Mantra shoe minchy toga stare positioning." Wufei stated from the kitchen.
Everybody looked at each other for a minute.
"If you're going to talk, Chang, get your head out of the freezer. It's my turn anyways." Heero said irritably.
Wufei emerged from the kitchen with a blue plastic cup full of ice.
"ICE!!! Wu-man, share!" Duo cried, leaping up and scrambling towards Wufei. Wufei calmly stiff armed him and sat down in the chair Heero had left. "I said, It's because Quatre's too stingy to get us air conditioning."
Quatre looked defensive. "I told you, it's all wrapped up in the company and trust funds and my sisters!"
Wufei grunted and crunched down hard on a piece of ice.
"Wufei!" Quatre scolded. "You'll break your teeth!"
Wufei replied by chucking ice at him.
"Guys!!! We gotta do SOMETHING! We can't all fit in the freezer!" Duo wailed, flopping around on the floor like a landed fish. Suddenly, inspiration struck and he sat up straight. "LET'S GO SWIMMING!!!"
All was silent for a minute.
"Swimming?" Heero said, slamming the freezer door.
"Swimming!" Duo repeated.
"Swimming?" Trowa said slowly, like he'd never heard the word before.
"SWIMMING!!!" Duo bellowed.
"This is getting redundant." Quatre commented.
"You want to go swimming?" Wufei asked.
"YES! Did you all take stupid pills this morning??? SWIMMING! Water! Sand! Ugly towels! Little fishies that bite your toes! Grody green weeds! Little kids and those weird foam noodles! FUN!!! COLD!!!" Duo shouted, gesturing expansively.
"I…I've never been near a body of water bigger than a bathtub…" Quatre said nervously. He was mostly ignored.
"I don't have any swim trunks." Wufei said with great dignity.
"Don't worry, Wu-man, I'll hook ya up!"
"I guess we could go swimming…" Heero said reluctantly.
"It's better than taking turns at the freezer." Trowa added.
And so it was decided that the pilots would go swimming.
~~~
The beach was mostly empty when they got there, just a few families with kids.
Then they saw it.
Relena.
She was sitting on a beach chair, wearing a skimpy pink bikini, sunglasses, and a large, ugly, floppy hat.
"No. I'm not going down there. No way." Heero said, turning around and heading back to the truck.
"Oh yes you are." Duo singsong-ed, grabbing his arm and dragging him down the hill. "I won't let her molest you. Now let's GO! It's not getting no cooler!"
~~~
Trowa turned to Wufei. "Where's Quatre?"
Wufei turned around to look behind them. "Oh Nataku…" he breathed.
"What?" Trowa said, turning around. "Oh…my…god…"
Quatre was making his way carefully down the hill, wearing every floaty thing Duo had brought. Including one of those stupid ducky things that little kids wear around their waists.
"HI TROWA!!!" he yelled happily.
Trowa slumped visibly. Wufei snickered, patted Trowa on the shoulder and followed Duo and Heero.
Duo was slathering sunscreen all over himself and Heero, and Relena was buzzing around them like a horsefly. "C'mere Wu, you'll fry without this." Duo said, waving the sunscreen bottle around.
"Sunscreen is for the weak." Wufei sniffed.
"You'll be sorry…" Duo called, following Relena as she hauled Heero off.
"Come ON, Quatre…" Trowa sighed. "You can go past your knees without drowning."
"But Trowa…" Quatre whined nervously, inching out into the water. "I've never swam before…"
"…".
~~~
"Relena! Let GO! DUO! Stop drowning Wufei! RELENA!!!" Heero yelled.
Relena stopped yanking on Heero's arm. "What's wrong, Heero?" she pouted.
"My arm doesn't go that way."
"MAXWELL!!!"
"Hi, Wufei! Wufei? Wufei?! Hey! Don't…blrrrrrpgh!!!!!"
After Duo surfaced, he noticed something. There was a pack of JetSkis zooming around the lake. He looked from the JetSkis to Relena on her ugly pink raft, and back to the JetSkis. He elbowed Heero and motioned to the skis. Realization dawned on him. Duo whispered something to Wufei and he grinned. All three grabbed the end of Relena's raft and shoved her out to sea…directly into the path of an oncoming JetSki.
"Hey! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeero! AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" she screamed as the JetSki wiped her out. All that remained was a few scraps of pink bikini. Duo and Heero screamed in triumph and kissed, finally free of the parasite Relena. Wufei shook his head.
Then everybody promptly forgot about her.
"Let's go make a sandcastle." Duo suggested.
"Okay." Heero said.
~~~
Up by the beach, Trowa had finally coaxed Quatre out into the water. He was bobbing in the water like a happy blonde three-year-old. "Lookit, Trowa, I'm doing it! I'm swimming!"
"Great. Grand. Wonderful." Trowa said dully.
Quatre bobbed.
~~~
"Okay." Duo said, flopping down in the sand and digging furiously with a stick. Heero sat and watched, nonplussed. Wufei had gone to observe the bobbing Quatre with Trowa. Duo's sandcastle slowly emerged. It was a lopsided cube that looked like it had a nose, with a ditch around it. He carved holes into it and covered the whole thing in gravel. He pressed snail shells and rocks into it at seemingly random places, chattering incessantly the whole time. Then he dug a hole beside the castle, explaining that it was a pond. He planted weeds around it ("Trees!") and filled it and the moat with water. Finally, he topped off the castle with a large rock and dubbed it "Maxwell Castle".
"See, Heero? It's our house!" Duo cried with glee.
Heero stared at him.
~~~
Quatre bobbed.
~~~
"Ow…ow…" Wufei whined.
"I TOLD you about the sunscreen…"Duo sighed, slathering aloe on Wufei's very sunburned back and shoulders. "But you thought sunscreen was for the weak and now you look like a lobster and it's all your own fault." he lectured.
"Ow…"
~~~
"Well…we better go." Heero said, shaking the sand out of his hair.
"Do we have tooooooo?" Duo moaned.
"Well, Wufei can hardly move and it's getting dark."
"You're going to have to unbury me first." Trowa said flatly. Quatre beamed from where he was sitting on the very buried Trowa.
"Quatre, unbury Trowa and let's goooo…" Wufei whimpered quite uncharacteristically, wincing with the effort.
Quatre unburied Trowa and Wufei got all the seaweed out of his hair and Duo got a scrap of Relena's bikini for a souvenir and they went home and got on with their lives.
~OWARI~