Title: Chatting with Anthropomorphic Personifications
Author: Ryoko no Shinigami
Rating: PG
Warnings: Humor, OOC-ness, uh…and if you've got an unnatural fear of anthropomorphic personifications, I guess this isn't for you. And two mentions of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. That's how you can tell a good person, (or Death), if they've read The Hitchhikers Guide. Oh, and language. The word 'arsehole' is used, as well as some others, I'm sure. Hell, it just wouldn't be my fic if it didn't have something offensive in it.
Pairings: None. Unless you really read between the lines on this one. I dunno, Wufei and Heero seem to have a thing going on…kidding, kidding. Some people will see sexual tension anywhere. But hey, at least it keeps me amused.
Notes: To personify something is to give human characteristics to things that aren't human. For instance, 'Charlotte's Web' personifies farm animals. An anthropomorphic personification is a thought, feeling, or action that has been given human characteristics. In this fic, Death is an anthropomorphic personification, hence the title.
Dedication: To Rystal and Holly, and Mike, coz, with the exception of the WWF, Sandman, Neil Gaiman, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, Squee, cheese, Voodoo Fighting Weasel and her great writing, and the Flooganans, my religious followers, you are what's important in life, so I guess I'd better tell you so.
Duo was just bounding down the safehouse stairs when he saw Death. At least, he assumed it was Death. He wore a black robe, he had the decidedly skeletal thing going on. There was a scythe lying across his knees. The fact that he was sitting on the sofa in the living room was a little odd. Wasn't where Duo had expected to find him, all things considered.
He stopped short. Quatre, who was racing behind him to get the cookies Trowa had been making in the kitchen, bumped into his back with a soft 'Oof!'
Duo called out softly, "Guys, I think you'd better come in here. Quickly."
Heero walked out of the kitchen, coffee cup in hand. "Duo, what have you done now? I swear, if you've touched my laptop, I'll…" he caught sight of the figure on the sofa. To his credit, he didn't really drop the coffee cup. His grip tightened on the handle till it shattered, and then the coffee splattered to the floor. His eyes got wide as saucers. "What the hell…"
Heero backpedaled into Trowa, who was just coming to see what all the fuss was about. Down the two went in a heap on the floor, causing a loud crash and a cloud of flour. That brought Wufei running, down the steps…and into Quatre and Duo. All three went tumbling down the stairs…into Trowa, who had just disentangled himself from Heero. There was a moments stunned silence as all five lay in a pile. Then…
"Get. OFF. Me."
The soft voice coming from the bottom of the pile was Heero's. They all got up with amazing speed.
Death rose from the sofa. "I must say, it's not often I get such a greeting. If people see me at all, it's always 'aaah, aaah, run away, run away!'"
"They would have run away," said Wufei, "only they can't tell their feet from their arseholes…"
"Us? What about you, you idiot? Kat and I were just fine until you had to barge into us!"
The argument escalated, eventually involving all the pilots in name calling and finger pointing. It looked like they could keep this up all night. Death quietly cleared his throat.
No one paid him the least attention. The argument seemed to be ready to become an all-out fist fight. Death tentatively called, "Excuse me."
Still, nobody seemed to hear. Duo shoved Wufei hard, sending him into Trowa, who shoved him back. Wufei turned to shove Trowa. Death was loosing his temper.
"Ex-CUSE me, if you are all done playing volleyball with each other, you've got the anthropomorphic personification of Death, Destroyer of Worlds, Grim Reaper, standing here in your living room, and he's WAITING to have a word with you, IF YOU DON'T MIND!"
The pilots froze. They blinked. Then, there was a general look of 'OH! Riiiight,' about them.
"Oh. Uh…where were we?" asked Duo.
"I believe you were just going to sit down," said Death, gesturing to the living room chairs.
Slowly, hesitantly, the five edged over to the living room. Carefully, as if they expected the chairs to turn into ravenous monsters, they sat down. Death plunked himself back on the couch. The six of them, five pilots, one Ender of All That is Good and Holy, stared at each other. It was Duo, as usual, who broke the silence.
"So…uh…what brings you here?"
The other four winced. This was Death, after all. Why else could he be here?
Death casually crossed his legs. Five pairs of eyes got wider staring at the shin bones disappearing into hiking boots.
"Actually, I came by to thank you five."
Five pairs of eyes traveled slowly, from the very un-Deathlike footwear, up to the very Deathlike empty eye sockets.
"T-Thank us?" stammered Quatre.
"Well, yes. Over the last few years, you five have sent me most of my clientele, after all."
Duo could practically feel his eyes bugging out of his head.
"There was one man in particular, one Treize Kushrinada, who I have especially enjoyed having around. I believe I have you to thank for that," he gestured to Wufei.
Wufei blinked. "You…enjoy having Treize around?"
"Yes. He's an excellent chess player."
Silence. Then, "I don't know whether to be amused or horrified."
"Horrified currently has my vote," said Duo.
Quatre, who had been silent up to now, had bits of ideas spinning about in his brain. After all, here was Death, sitting on his sofa. He apparently wasn't there to take any of them. This was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. He piped up.
"How do we know you're really Death?"
Silence for a moment, as four pairs of eyes and one set of eye sockets turned to him.
"Winner, how many other skeletons in hiking boots do you know?" snarled Wufei.
"Well, if you're really Death, then you can travel through time, right?"
"Time is immaterial to me, yes." Said Death in a deep, resonating voice.
"In that case, you know what the future holds for each of us, right?"
"Uh, Kat, he's Death. He is what the future holds for all of us. But that reminds me," he turned back to Death. "If you're Death and all that, are you a guy or a girl?"
"I am everything, and everything is me," Death said in that deep voice.
"So, you're a guy?"
"Yes."
"And a girl?"
"Yes."
"What about those people who are both? Are you…"
"Yes."
"What about slugs? They're like…"
"Maxwell, will you shut up before he really does kill us?"
"Oh. Right," a nervous smile.
"I've got a question," said Heero, "What's the meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything?"
Death had no eyebrows, but if he had, he would have raised one. "Ever read The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy?"
Heero grinned. "Yes. Just checking."
Death stood up and stretched. "Well, I guess I'd better be going. Dorothy got over that cold she was having, so I'm gonna have a busy day."
All the pilots chose to ignore this.
"Could you show me the way to the door? Only, I had to pry open your bathroom window to get in, so I don't know where it is."
All the pilots tried to ignore this. Duo pointed mutely to the hallway.
"Oh. Right. Thanks," Death walked out, throwing a peace sign over his shoulder as he left, scythe in hand.
Five pilots blinked at each other.
"Did he just say Trieze and he play chess?" wondered a very scared Wufei
"Did he wear hiking boots?" mused Trowa.
"He came by to thank us?" from Quatre.
"He's…a she, too?" Duo looked confused.
Heero grinned. "I don't care. He's read The Hitchhiker's Guide!"
What a criteria.
Owari
Author: Ryoko no Shinigami
Rating: PG
Warnings: Humor, OOC-ness, uh…and if you've got an unnatural fear of anthropomorphic personifications, I guess this isn't for you. And two mentions of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. That's how you can tell a good person, (or Death), if they've read The Hitchhikers Guide. Oh, and language. The word 'arsehole' is used, as well as some others, I'm sure. Hell, it just wouldn't be my fic if it didn't have something offensive in it.
Pairings: None. Unless you really read between the lines on this one. I dunno, Wufei and Heero seem to have a thing going on…kidding, kidding. Some people will see sexual tension anywhere. But hey, at least it keeps me amused.
Notes: To personify something is to give human characteristics to things that aren't human. For instance, 'Charlotte's Web' personifies farm animals. An anthropomorphic personification is a thought, feeling, or action that has been given human characteristics. In this fic, Death is an anthropomorphic personification, hence the title.
Dedication: To Rystal and Holly, and Mike, coz, with the exception of the WWF, Sandman, Neil Gaiman, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, Squee, cheese, Voodoo Fighting Weasel and her great writing, and the Flooganans, my religious followers, you are what's important in life, so I guess I'd better tell you so.
Duo was just bounding down the safehouse stairs when he saw Death. At least, he assumed it was Death. He wore a black robe, he had the decidedly skeletal thing going on. There was a scythe lying across his knees. The fact that he was sitting on the sofa in the living room was a little odd. Wasn't where Duo had expected to find him, all things considered.
He stopped short. Quatre, who was racing behind him to get the cookies Trowa had been making in the kitchen, bumped into his back with a soft 'Oof!'
Duo called out softly, "Guys, I think you'd better come in here. Quickly."
Heero walked out of the kitchen, coffee cup in hand. "Duo, what have you done now? I swear, if you've touched my laptop, I'll…" he caught sight of the figure on the sofa. To his credit, he didn't really drop the coffee cup. His grip tightened on the handle till it shattered, and then the coffee splattered to the floor. His eyes got wide as saucers. "What the hell…"
Heero backpedaled into Trowa, who was just coming to see what all the fuss was about. Down the two went in a heap on the floor, causing a loud crash and a cloud of flour. That brought Wufei running, down the steps…and into Quatre and Duo. All three went tumbling down the stairs…into Trowa, who had just disentangled himself from Heero. There was a moments stunned silence as all five lay in a pile. Then…
"Get. OFF. Me."
The soft voice coming from the bottom of the pile was Heero's. They all got up with amazing speed.
Death rose from the sofa. "I must say, it's not often I get such a greeting. If people see me at all, it's always 'aaah, aaah, run away, run away!'"
"They would have run away," said Wufei, "only they can't tell their feet from their arseholes…"
"Us? What about you, you idiot? Kat and I were just fine until you had to barge into us!"
The argument escalated, eventually involving all the pilots in name calling and finger pointing. It looked like they could keep this up all night. Death quietly cleared his throat.
No one paid him the least attention. The argument seemed to be ready to become an all-out fist fight. Death tentatively called, "Excuse me."
Still, nobody seemed to hear. Duo shoved Wufei hard, sending him into Trowa, who shoved him back. Wufei turned to shove Trowa. Death was loosing his temper.
"Ex-CUSE me, if you are all done playing volleyball with each other, you've got the anthropomorphic personification of Death, Destroyer of Worlds, Grim Reaper, standing here in your living room, and he's WAITING to have a word with you, IF YOU DON'T MIND!"
The pilots froze. They blinked. Then, there was a general look of 'OH! Riiiight,' about them.
"Oh. Uh…where were we?" asked Duo.
"I believe you were just going to sit down," said Death, gesturing to the living room chairs.
Slowly, hesitantly, the five edged over to the living room. Carefully, as if they expected the chairs to turn into ravenous monsters, they sat down. Death plunked himself back on the couch. The six of them, five pilots, one Ender of All That is Good and Holy, stared at each other. It was Duo, as usual, who broke the silence.
"So…uh…what brings you here?"
The other four winced. This was Death, after all. Why else could he be here?
Death casually crossed his legs. Five pairs of eyes got wider staring at the shin bones disappearing into hiking boots.
"Actually, I came by to thank you five."
Five pairs of eyes traveled slowly, from the very un-Deathlike footwear, up to the very Deathlike empty eye sockets.
"T-Thank us?" stammered Quatre.
"Well, yes. Over the last few years, you five have sent me most of my clientele, after all."
Duo could practically feel his eyes bugging out of his head.
"There was one man in particular, one Treize Kushrinada, who I have especially enjoyed having around. I believe I have you to thank for that," he gestured to Wufei.
Wufei blinked. "You…enjoy having Treize around?"
"Yes. He's an excellent chess player."
Silence. Then, "I don't know whether to be amused or horrified."
"Horrified currently has my vote," said Duo.
Quatre, who had been silent up to now, had bits of ideas spinning about in his brain. After all, here was Death, sitting on his sofa. He apparently wasn't there to take any of them. This was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. He piped up.
"How do we know you're really Death?"
Silence for a moment, as four pairs of eyes and one set of eye sockets turned to him.
"Winner, how many other skeletons in hiking boots do you know?" snarled Wufei.
"Well, if you're really Death, then you can travel through time, right?"
"Time is immaterial to me, yes." Said Death in a deep, resonating voice.
"In that case, you know what the future holds for each of us, right?"
"Uh, Kat, he's Death. He is what the future holds for all of us. But that reminds me," he turned back to Death. "If you're Death and all that, are you a guy or a girl?"
"I am everything, and everything is me," Death said in that deep voice.
"So, you're a guy?"
"Yes."
"And a girl?"
"Yes."
"What about those people who are both? Are you…"
"Yes."
"What about slugs? They're like…"
"Maxwell, will you shut up before he really does kill us?"
"Oh. Right," a nervous smile.
"I've got a question," said Heero, "What's the meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything?"
Death had no eyebrows, but if he had, he would have raised one. "Ever read The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy?"
Heero grinned. "Yes. Just checking."
Death stood up and stretched. "Well, I guess I'd better be going. Dorothy got over that cold she was having, so I'm gonna have a busy day."
All the pilots chose to ignore this.
"Could you show me the way to the door? Only, I had to pry open your bathroom window to get in, so I don't know where it is."
All the pilots tried to ignore this. Duo pointed mutely to the hallway.
"Oh. Right. Thanks," Death walked out, throwing a peace sign over his shoulder as he left, scythe in hand.
Five pilots blinked at each other.
"Did he just say Trieze and he play chess?" wondered a very scared Wufei
"Did he wear hiking boots?" mused Trowa.
"He came by to thank us?" from Quatre.
"He's…a she, too?" Duo looked confused.
Heero grinned. "I don't care. He's read The Hitchhiker's Guide!"
What a criteria.
Owari