by SnapeRulez
Chapter Four: "Talking to Dumbledore"
To the outsider´s eye, problems of any kind appear to have an easy solution at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry: Go to Dumbledore.
In fact, however, it is a lot more difficult.
Lupin, standing in front of the stone goblin, wondered why he felt just like a schoolboy again. He was a teacher here, and -the thought made him feel uneasy for some reason- he even was something like a friend to Dumbledore. There was no logical reason to be insecure at all.
But, on the other hand, using a word such as "logical" within the Wizarding World was quite risky. Well, some people said it didn´t make sense at all.
But that means, Lupin thought, muttering the password and stepping onto the moving stairs up to the headmaster´s office, it´s illogical to use the word "logical".
He stopped wondering about the "logical or illogical" question when he had reached the door.
Quite a few things definitly seem to be illogical to me these days, though, Lupin thought.
Finally, he took a deep breath, raised a fist and knocked on the door three times.
"Come in," called Albus Dumbledore´s voice from inside the office. Lupin entered. "Ah, Remus, how are you?"
Before Lupin could think of an answer that was not too much of a lie, Dumbledore seemed to have read his mind.
"You are here to ask for advice?"
"Er, well, yes." Lupin still wasn´t sure how to word what was bothering him.
"Sit down, please." Lupin sat.
"You haven´t been feeling very well during the past weeks, have you?"
Lupin frowned. "Is it really that obvious?" - "I´m afraid it is."
Lupin sighed. He decided to start at the beginning, that was always the best solution.
"Two weeks ago, Snape tested a potion on me." There was a pause in which Lupin realized suddenly he had said "Snape" instead of "Severus". Lupin shook his head slightly to make the feeling of astonishment about himself vanish from his mind.
"And it made you keep your human shape," Dumbledore said thoughtfully.
Lupin blinked. "Yes...." Dumbledore stroked his silver beard slowly.
"So he DID finish the potion. I had a feeling he was not telling me something..."
"So you knew about it?" Lupin said, not sure if he was surprised or not, as Dumbledore knew pretty much everything that was going on at Hogwarts.
"Of course I did. He wanted to know what I thought about his idea."
Lupin frowned. "His idea?" Dumbledore hesitated. He looked at Lupin closely, than at his hands, which were now folded in his lap, and back up at Lupin again.
He gave a small sigh before he said: "Actually, I think it would be better if you heard about it from Severus himself, but with regards to the current circumstances it´s not very likely that he wouldd tell you. I will do that now, for I fear the two of you might never get on speaking-terms again otherwise..."
Dumbledore paused. Lupin waited, not having a clue of what Dumbledore was going to say to him.
"Severus thought it might be a good idea to help you gain a normal life to repair the damage he´s caused two years ago. He feels it´s basically his fault that you left Hogwarts."
Lupin realized he had held his breath and started to pant slightly before replying: "You mean the fact that he told his students I am a werewolf?" - "Yes."
Lupin didn´t know what to say. He tried hard to picture Snape feeling guilty for what he´d done, but he didn´t manage to. Dumbledore broke the silence.
"I guess Severus didn´t consider the events from two years ago a good basis for an attempt to improve the relationship between the two of you. I agree, by the way."
Lupin tore his eyes away from the floor.
"It was not implied in his idea to test the potion on me without asking for my permisson, was it?" he asked, sounding a lot more sarcastic than he had meant to.
Dumbledore raised his eyebrows.
"Ah, now I see why you are so angry with him..."
"He didn´t know what was going to happen, he could´ve killed me," Lupin said, this time a lot louder than he had intended. Dumbledore pushed his glasses back up his nose with his index finger.
"He wouldn´t have tested it on you if he hadn´t been sure that it wouldn´t harm you."
"That´s what he´s told me, basically. But why didn´t he just ask me, for heaven´s sake!" Lupin blurted out.
Dumbledore sighed. "I´m not sure. Severus is a very complex person, as you might have realized. Personally, I tend to believe he felt he had the right not to, as he developed that potion for you in the first place. He has been working on it ever since he knew you were coming back to teach here. It took all his time, and quite a few nights´ sleep, I suppose."
Lupin frowned thoughtfully and looked down at his feet.
"I´m sorry that I cannot let you ponder on what I´ve just told you, but we´ve got important issues to discuss."
Something about Dumbledore´s tone made Lupin jerk up his head again.
The old man´s expression was most serious. "You said earlier you didn´t feel well?"
"Yes, I´ve been feeling......akward. Out of place. Lost. As if....as if I wasn´t myself. Then there is this headache that won´t go away", he touched his temple absent-mindedly, "and I haven´t slept properly for the whole two weeks..."
Dumbledore nodded slowly.
"Do you think....do you think something about the potion went wrong?" Lupin asked, trying not to sound too anxious.
"It´s possible. But, to tell you the truth, Remus...." his bright blue eyes fixed upon Lupin, "I don´t think it´s very likely. Severus may be a disagreeable person with a lot of flaws and a habit of complicating things, but when it comes to potions, he´s brilliant. I´ve never told him that, but in my opinion you won´t find anyone who is more skilled than he is anywhere."
Lupin thought of the look on Snape´s face when he had started to explain what exactly was in that potion.
"You´re probably right. But what do you think is the matter with me if the potion worked all right?"
Dumbledore leaned forward. "I noticed -and I wasn´t the only one- that you have been acting very uncharacteristically. In my opinion, it´s because you didn´t transform."
"What do you mean?" Lupin asked, frowning.
"I´ve heard of werewolves who simply stopped transforming after they had experienced a serious change in their lives, such as the loss of someone they loved. And, having lost the part of them which had once been a wolf, their personalities changed drastically.
"As you didn´t transform at the last full moon because of Severus´ potion, your balance of mind has been disturbed. You can´t change into a wolf at every full moon for years and years and simply stop to do so without consequences." Dumbledore paused.
"This particular phenomenon is rare, very rare, though. You, however, show all the symptoms. Normally, you are the personification of patience and calmness, but you´ve been over-reacting all the time for the past two weeks. No wonder, you didn´t get the chance to get rid of hidden agressions as usual."
Lupin´s head suddenly felt very heavy. Now that he had heard Dumbledore´s theory, it seemed natural to him that his wolf-self and his human self were connected, affecting each other.
How strange, he´d used to see the wolf within himself as something completely detached from his own mind. He looked at Dumbledore.
"Do you think I will be all right again after the next full moon?" he asked seriously.
There was a pause. Dumbledore nodded silently. "You should be well again."
I *should* be well again?
Seeing the confused look on Lupin´s face, the headmaster added:
"If you manage to restore your inner balance again... It might cause a mental blockade, and keep you from transforming if you don´t succeed. I´m sorry. I will help you wherever I can, of course."
Now, Lupin definitly felt like a schoolboy again, like a first-year who´s got lost in an unknown part of the castle with no one to help him around, to be precise...