by SnapeRulez
Chapter Five: "Snape's Secret"
It was like being on a fare-well tour. As if death was hovering over him like a threatening shadow, ready to strike as soon as the full moon was up.
Lupin had spent most of his time apologizing over and over again for (what felt like) everything to pretty much everyone in the castle, trying hard to hold his temper -which was becoming more and more difficult. He felt it would be good to get rid of all negative feelings. Make peace with your neighbours, gain peace for yourself.
How else would you restore your inner balance? At least it was a start...
Sometimes, when the rational part of his mind succeeded to overcome the stronger emotional part and Lupin could recognize things for what they were clearly, he knew that his way of restoring his balance of mind was obviously far too easy.
Apologizing was never exactly easy, but on these rare occasions when his mind was working rationally, Lupin saw that making peace with others was not really helpful.
What he had to do was to make peace with himself. Or actually, to make peace with the wolf-side of himself. His wolf-self...
There has been a war, he thought bitterly.
There had been a war since the day he was born, a war inside of himself...
A war between human and wolf, a war Lupin had always referred to as a war between good and evil.
Lupin had denied the wolf within himself. Hated him. Blamed him. Longed to kill him. In Lupin´s eyes, the wolf was nothing but pure evilness. But in those hours of rationality, Lupin realized all he had to do was probably to finally accept the wolf inside of him as a part of his personality, and, this conclusion drawn, he felt perfectly calm again.
Unfortunately, his moments of knowledge didn´t last long.
Lupin hadn´t reached this point of understanding all by himself, however. Quite a lot of conversations with Dumbledore had lead him to where he was now.
Sometimes, Lupin had the impression that Dumbledore had held this kind of conversations before. But everytime he was about to ask whether his presumption was true, Dumbledore gave him a stern, warning look and Lupin somehow didn´t dare to word what was on his mind.
Although Dumbledore had managed to help, Lupin wished he had someone who was more....like himself to talk to. He´d never met another werewolf, and, as he was suffering from a very rare phenominon, it was as good as impossible that there was someone who could be of assistance.
He had to get through this alone, it seemed. He had to cope with his current situation all by himself.
It didn´t really matter, though. Lupin had had to deal with a lot of trouble and difficulties in his life so far, it wasn´t new to him. But still, it would certainly help to have a fellow werewolf around, as a sort of companion.
No use in pondering on that issue, Lupin thought, shifting in his chair, there is no one around and no one in the world who is in this miserable situation. Except for me.
He scratched the back of his head thoughtfully. It was warm and quiet in his office. The rustle of the fire made him feel enjoyably sleepy. He didn´t fancy leaving this comfortable, safe place, but he knew he had to. There was something he had to do. He couldn´t think of any more excuses, he had used all of them twice already.
Get up, wolfboy! Lupin chuckled to himself, surprised he had actually managed to chuckle.
Using this bit of happy energy, Lupin got up quickly and headed for the door.
What lies before you can´t be worse than what lies behind....
When he turned the doorknob, the soft smile that was lingering on his face was wiped away suddenly by another thought:
Oh yes, it can.....
********
It took quite a long time before Snape´s voice called "Come in" from inside his office. Lupin entered.
Snape stared at him irritably.
"Congratulations, you´ve learned how to knock," he said coldly.
Lupin smiled mildly.
"Took me ages to figure out how it works. I kept kicking the doors with my right foot, you know...." Lupin replied casually.
Snape jerked his head angrily. Then he stepped aside and Lupin saw a cauldron standing right behind Snape´s desk. Apparetly, he was working on something. Some potion, Lupin corrected himself and sighed soundlessly. It reminded him of the reason for his visit.
"As you can see," Snape said coldly, gesturing towards the cauldron, "I am busy at the moment. Could you come back later?"
It was not a question, but an order.
"No, I´m afraid I can´t." Lupin replied determinedly. Snape´s face went rigid with fury.
"If I throw a stick, will you leave ???" he shouted.
Lupin frowned. "I prefer frisbees."
Snape stared, a blank look on his face.
"Ah, that´s a Muggle thing, it looks like a...."
"I don´t care what it looks like, I don´t care what it is, just go !"
Snape stared at Lupin, his black eyes flashing with anger.
"Actually," Lupin began heavily, "I´ve come to apologize." Snape´s mouth fell open slightly.
"For...for what?" he asked quietly.
"Well, firstly for shouting at you right after I had taken your potion. I shouldn´t have done that, it was really rude."
Somewhere deep inside of him, Lupin felt a strange pain while saying all this. His head, however, felt lighter.
"And secondly, I didn´t even thank you for developing it. I´m really sorry, Severus."
Snape stared at Lupin. The look of plain confusion and surprise on his face almost made Lupin laugh.
Suddenly, Snape moved towards the shelf behind his desk slowly and grabbed a small bottle filled with what looked like purple ink.
He looked at it thoughtfully, then turned to Lupin again and said: "Dumbledore´s told you everything."
Lupin nodded. "Yes. He´s told me about you working on that potion all summer. And why you developed it..."
Snape walked over to his cauldron, the small bottle clenched in his fist.
"I don´t blame you for what happened two years ago," Lupin went on. "At least now I don´t do anymore."
Snape stared into the cauldron.
Lupin took a few steps towards him. Snape looked up at him.
"We don´t need to be best friends, Severus, but don´t you think we could at least start to talk to each other again?"
Snape frowned. "You mean without insulting?"
Lupin´s eyes narrowed suspiciously.
"Sorry, I´m really bad at joking," Snape said quickly and turned the bottle in his hands.
"Oh, er, ok."
Lupin couldn´t think of something a bit more encouraging at the moment, the whole situation was just too weird. He and Snape, trying to become friends...or something like friends.
For a brief moment, he wondered what Sirius or Harry would say if they saw him and Snape right now. He grinned absent-mindedly.
Snape´s voice brought him back to reality. "Dumbledore´s told me about your...problem."
Lupin watched him throwing some powder into the cauldron.
This is probably what he does when he´s in trouble or nervous, Lupin thought, brewing a potion. Got to be the last thing I would do...
"I don´t think it has something to do with the potion, either," Snape went on. "But I know how we could make sure it´s...," he glanced at Lupin, "it´s...you and not the potion that is responsible for your condition."
"How?" Lupin asked, simply.
"Three days to go until the full moon is up." Snape looked right into Lupin´s eyes. "Don´t take anything this time."
"You´ve got to be kidding!" Lupin blurted out.
"You, of all the people, should know how dangerous that would be! Think of the students! And I´m not going back to the Shrieking Shack!" he shouted furiously. And when Snape didn´t reply, he added:
"Do you have any idea of how terrible transforming is? It´s bad enough with the Wolfsbane potion, without it, I can hardly stand the pain! And I don´t fancy losing my mind, thank you!"
Snape was looking at Lupin in a way the werewolf couldn´t interpret.
"I know it´s painful, I know it´s risky, but I also know it´s the only way. If you don´t take any potion, your blood will be clean, and we´ll know for sure if it´s inner our outer influences that changed your personality," he said calmly.
Lupin´s head felt very heavy again. Every inch of his body refused to go through a transformation process without even the Wolfsbane, but he knew Snape had a point.
Finally, Lupin nodded slowly. "All right, then."
Snape smiled at him contently. Then he grabbed the bottle filled with purple liquid again.
Lupin watched him, his heart beating hard against his chest. The memories of his painful transformations during his childhood made him feel sick. He had to distract himself.
Suddenly, a thought struck him, and he smiled softly.
"You know," he said to Snape who didn´t look up, "I´ve just realized, my odd behavior during the past weeks, I acted very much like you, don´t you think, what a coinci..."
The small bottle shattered loudly on the stone floor. Snape had dropped it. He stared at Lupin, his face whiter than snow, and trembling slightly. Lupin frowned deeply.
"What´s the matter..."
Snape gulped and bent down to pick up what was left of the bottle.
And then, Lupin almost gave a small scream of shock.
I´ve heard of werewolves who simply stopped transforming after they had experienced a serious change in their lives... he heard Dumbledore´s voice say in his mind.
"It´s.....it´s not a coincidence, is it?" Lupin said, in a rush.
"You´re a...you´re a..."
There was a knock on the door. "Come in," Snape called quickly. A terrified looking second-year entered.
"Sir," he squeked, "I´ve come for my detention..."
"Very well. Lupin, I´ll see you at dinner," Snape said, not looking at Lupin.
Lupin hesitated. Then, looking from Snape to the student, he hurried out of the office, desperate to get some time to think.