by SnapeRulez
Chapter Six: "Questions answered"
It was a chilly morning. Dawn lay on the school grounds, the sun illuminated the Forbidden Forest and the stone walls of Hogwarts in rosy light.
Remus Lupin watched the sun rise until the light warming his face and the castle walls had turned a deep, rich shade of gold.
It was still early. Breakfast would be starting in about two hours, and Lupin somehow dreaded entering the Great Hall with its noise. He usually enjoyed the meals and feasts in the Great Hall very much, he liked to have young people around him.
A crowd of students always filled the air with laughter and happiness. They didn´t realize it, probably, but they managed to create an atmosphere of optimism that was so pure it wasn´t comparable to anything else.
Whenever Lupin watched them he felt an incredible warmth spread through his body. All his doubts were washed away, somehow, and a smile of affection erupted on his face. The inner contentment Lupin felt when he was near children or young adults always re-paid for some of the sorrows he had had to go through when he was young. The students of Hogwarts where a particularly cheerful lot.
Well, not all of them, but even children have things weighing on their minds. I had my own burden, too....
He shook his head slightly and closed his eyes. He remembered he had decided not to call his werewolfness a burden.
Lupin looked up at the sun and blinked. Suddenly, he felt he had a very good idea of what it must be like to know you´re looking at something for the last time.
The last dawn. The last sunrise.
Must be a big deal... he thought, and something inside of him was surprised at his own bitterness.
It wasn´t like he was going to die. Well, he didn´t know, but it was not very probable. But what would be happening that night, he couldn´t know.
What would happen once the full moon was up? What was going to happen when Lupin had to face that white-grey grimace again?
He had always thought of the moon as a person. For him, the moon had a face, it sneered down at him, laughed at him because he had no means of escaping. It also had its own free will. A will that was stronger than Lupin´s.
When he was younger, Lupin had started to feel inferior to the moon. This might sound stupid to an outsider, but for Lupin it was the consequence of regarding the moon as his enemy. A problematical side-effect which had developed in the course of this was his attitude towards the wolf inside of him: he had regarded his wolf-side as an enemy, too.
Unfortunately, it wasn´t easy to change this life-long attitude.
Some people say it is much easier to get rid of a problem once you´ve recognized its nature and located it, but in his current situation, Lupin couldn´t help feeling that this saying was about as true as a lie.
He had decided to give Snape´s idea a try. This was partly because Lupin felt it was the logical thing to do and partly because Snape should have experience with...this sort of thing.
Lupin hadn´t asked Snape whether he was a werewolf yet, though. It was all too clear to be a coincidence, but knowning Snape, he´d probably deny it all. Lupin thought Snape´d even rather die than admit it.
Lupin remembered only too well how Snape had always made fun of his being a werewolf. Of course, he never actually told anyone, Dumbledore had seen to that, but he had used any chance there was to remind Lupin of what he was. A "monster".
This expression reminded Lupin of what lay before him.
Losing my mind and turning into a murderous wolf still doesn´t sound like a very good idea, Lupin thought, but do I have a choice? But who knows, maybe I won´t transform, anyway.
He still didn´t know how he would react if he didn´t transform. He had given that a lot of thought, but he just couldn´t get to a proper result.
Suddenly, someone cleared his throat behind him. Lupin whirled around. It was Snape. Lupin hadn´t heard him coming. His heart beating fast, Lupin quietly cursed his now almost entirely human -and therefore not very sharp- ears.
"You´re up early." Snape said calmly.
"Apparently, I´m not the only one. Good morning, by the way."
Snape didn´t answer. Lupin shrugged slightly.
"Well, I actually just wanted to go back to my office and get some work done...."
"Will you try?" Snape interrupted impatiently. Lupin frowned. Then he understood.
"Yes. I´m not going to take anything tonight. We´ll see what happens." Even Lupin himself was astounded at how calm and brave he had managed to sound.
"I guess so," Snape replied shortly. "Well, I´ve got some work to do, too."
He turned on his heel to head back to the front door.
"Wait a minute," Lupin said. He had been wanting to ask quite a few questions for some time now, why not try and do so now?
"That´s all?" Lupin started with the most recent question.
Snape stared. "You´ve come here," Lupin went on, "only to ask me that? And don´t play dumb with me, it´s early in the morning and you don´t seem to be a person who enjoys taking a walk at dawn."
"I do like to take a walk," Snape snarled, "what kind of a person do you think I am, anyway?"
Lupin tried to find a hint of humour or something like humour in Snape´s black eyes, but saw nothing the like. Only the usual anger.
"I don´t want to get into details." Lupin replied.
When Snape didn´t retort immidiately, Lupin decided to take his chance.
"Did you try to follow me to the Shrieking Shack when we were at Hogwarts because you were a werewolf yourself?"
"I was not a werewolf..." Snape said quietly. Just like Lupin had expected. Denial. He felt anger rising inside of him.
"Oh come on, why did you do it, then? And I saw your reaction the other day when I realized I´ve been acting like you...it can´t be a coincidence!"
"Care to hear me out, Lupin? I said I wasn´t a werewolf when we were at Hogwarts. I didn´t say I´ve never been one."
There was a strange gleam in Snape´s black eyes. Lupin gulped.
"So...it´s true?"
"Yes."
There was a long pause. Lupin could hear Fang barking somewhere in the depths of Hagrid´s hut.
Snape bowed his head slightly. Lupin realized his mouth was hanging open and broke the silence.
"When did you...." his voice sounded very hoarse, but Lupin was surprised he had managed to find it again.
"It...happened about a year before I started at Hogwarts. My...brother. He drowned."
The expression on his face changed so little that you could´ve thought there was no reaction at all, but Lupin, who was a person with a lot of empathy, realized somehow that reliving it all took Snape a lot of strength and will power.
Snape looked at the lake and went on:
"He was two years older than me. He was at Hogwarts, too. But only for a brief period. My father was surprised he got the letter at all."
The familiar sneer was playing about his face again, and Lupin was surprised to see that the usual anger in Snape´s eyes was replaced by a strange, somewhat soft gleam.
Snape´s voice, however, was steady and calm when he went on:
"My father had always thought he was a squib. But I knew better."
He smiled a smile that Lupin found very odd, but then he realized he found it odd because it was a genuine smile and he´d never seen such a smile on Snape´s face before.
Suddenly, Snape turned his head to look at Lupin again.
"I think we should go. It´s time for breakfast." he said, his voice still quiet.
"You´re right," Lupin agreed. He felt pretty akward as he and Snape walked towards the huge oak doors.
When they had reached it, a sudden decision made Lupin stop and look at Snape again.
"Will you accompany me tonight?" he asked quickly to give the lurking doubts no chance to hinder him.
Snape looked as though Lupin had just asked him to marry him.
"You could help me," Lupin said quickly, "you´ve got experience with..."
"I don´t think that´s a good idea." Snape said coldly.
"I do have my doubts about it, too, but someone HAS to stay with me. You´re probably the only one who won´t panic," Lupin insisted.
"What about Dumbledore?" Snape spat.
"Of course, but...." Lupin lowered his voice before he went on: "he´s not been through it himself."
Snape still didn´t look convinced. On the contrary, he looked determined not to do what Lupin was asking of him.
"Both of you can come. I feel I could really do with a few people around me..."
Snape shook his head. "No."
Lupin snorted irritably. "I´m not asking you to do something impossible."
"Pity, that would be much easier." And with this words, Snape went through the front doors and disappeared into the Great Hall.
Lupin raised both eyebrows and sighed in disbelief.
"You manage to find a thing you´ve got in common," he murmured, "and it doesn´t help at all." He passed the Entrance Hall slowly.
I´ve got far worse things to overcome, though...
As he approached the Great Hall, he heard the excited chatter of the students that were already having breakfast together.
I don´t think they´ve got a problem as serious as mine, he thought, but as he stepped into the Great Hall and walked past the long house tables -he couldn´t help it- an absent-minded smile spread over his face.