BLESSED CURSED
by Emily "Mink" Koh
--
Disclaimer: Sakura Taisen is [c] 1996-2001, Sega and Red Company.
"Blessed Cursed" is [c] 2001, Emily "Mink" Koh (mink249@aol.com).
Do not repost elsewhere without my consent.
--
My mother died so early in my life that I can't remember anything
about her.
Oh, I remember the little things. The sound of her laughter, for
instance. Her voice was happy and cheerful -- that much, I remember.
Almost childlike. And I remember what she smelled like -- a fresh
scent of flowers at springtime. Lilacs? Wisteria? No... cherry
blossoms. Like her namesake.
I don't remember what she looked like, I was too young. She
shouldn't have died when I was two. How could she do that? A
little girl needs her mother. She should've died at a time when I
could have had enough memories of her to treasure.
Or maybe she just shouldn't have died at all. There's a nice wish.
Daddy has all these photos of her. Framed sepia pictures that
stand on various places in our house. There are a lot from when
she was young. She's with people I recognize -- all of her friends
and Daddy's friends; my "aunts," but all of whom I call "Mama,"
because they acted all as my substitute mothers.
I hate photos. Sure, Daddy loves them because he actually remembers
Mommy. He'd point out to each picture and say, "I remember when,"
or "Your mother used to." Me? I can't say that. The photos are
frozen moments in time -- moments in time that I could've never met
my mom. Reminding me that I would never share one "I remember when"
moment.
Even the ones that should be mine -- even though I can't remember
them -- belong to Daddy. "Your mother used to read you 'Cinderella'
every night before you went to bed. No other stories... you had a
thing for Western fairy tales," he'd say. And that was not my memory,
it was his memory, 'cause I couldn't remember her reading it to me.
Nothing of my mother's was mine except our looks. Maria-mama said
I looked a lot like Mommy: the same dark hair, the same smile.
Sometimes, Daddy tells me that I look so much like Mommy and then
he starts crying again.
I hate having Mommy's look and making Daddy cry. Daddy never
smiles at me too much.
The only other thing that's mine from Mommy is the "curse."
That's what Daddy calls it when he's angry. "The damn curse."
Daddy doesn't break out into tempers often, but some days, he gets
mad whenever he looks at a photo of Mommy and he ends up crying and
mumbles something about how it's all about the "curse."
Then he tells me I'm cursed too. "Just like your mother." And he
doesn't say it accusationally -- he says it in such a sympathetic
way, a way that I just want to hug him and tell him it's okay, there
is no curse, 'cause I've been feeling fine ever since day one. But
everytime he reminds himself of the curse, he gets a sad sympathetic
look at me, ready to cry. "Don't take her away," he says. What's
that supposed to mean?
When that happens, he's pretty lifeless for a few days. And then
I have to call either Grandma or Sumire-mama to come and help me --
help me prepare food, help me get Daddy back into shape.
Whenever Daddy's not in his "slumps," he keeps telling me that I'm
blessed. No mention of a curse. I asked him if Mommy had the blessing
too, and Daddy said she did. Daddy said that all of the people in
the Shinguuji family had the blessing and since I was her daughter,
I had it, too.
"What's the blessing?" I had asked him once.
My father got tears in his eyes as his response.
Wondering if he didn't hear me, I asked him again.
"The curse," he said. "The blessing is the curse."
I never asked again. If the blessing was the curse... then the
curse was a good thing? But... Daddy always spoke badly of it
whenever he was in one of his bad moods. He said it took away
Mommy's life. Maybe it was a bad curse, like something from the
fairy tales.
Once, when Sumire-mama was taking care of us, I asked her when she
was reading me a story.
"What's this curse that I have?"
She stopped reading, looking up sharply. "What?"
"Daddy said Mommy was cursed, and that's why she died."
It was a few moments before my "aunt" responded. "Your mother did
not have a curse," she said thickly. "You know your mother fought
in the Teikoku Kagekidan: Hanagumi to protect Teito, right, Itsuki?"
"With Daddy and you and Maria-mama and everyone else," I added.
"Exactly." She smiled for a moment, and then the look flickered away.
"Your mother died of injuries she got in war."
"Injuries?" I frowned. She was evading my question -- I knew of
the war. Daddy used to speak of it often.
"There was a very big war before you were born. Evil dispersed into
Teito." My aunt's eyes clouded at the memory. "We had an unlucky
chance of winning, but your mother saved us all."
I could've sworn that she had muttered "that fool" under her breath,
but I didn't comment.
"How did Mommy save Teito? What's the curse that took her life?"
"When you are older, I will tell you -- and there is no curse,"
Sumire-mama simply said. "And now, shall we return to Cinderella's
exploits?"
"I hate Cinderella!"
That was the day I began to hate fairy tales. There was always a
"happily ever after." But in reality, nothing like that exists.
Fairy tales teased my life. Mocked me, made a fool out of me.
Cinderella and her stupid fairy godmother -- unreal. Someone
granting anything you wanted. I wish I had a fairy godmother of
my own so I could wish Mommy back.
The woman I never knew. The woman responsible for making Daddy
cry whenever he saw me.
I don't remember what happened afterward, but I think I cried the
entire night while I was soothed by Sumire-mama. And shortly
afterwards, whenever my other "aunts" would come and visit us, I'd
ask them the same question: What's the curse that Mommy and I had?
How was it a blessing?
All of them escaped the question so easily. Offering me more stories
about Mommy, feeding me valuable information of the past that they
knew I wanted, while burying the question. Iris-oneesan and Reni-
oneesan bought me with stories of Mommy's accidents during her actress
career stint. Maria-mama and Kanna-mama gave me more photos to shut
me up. Orihime-mama and Kohran-mama won me over with more memories.
And then for once, someone didn't lie to me. Didn't escape my grasp.
I asked Kaede-mama and Kayama-oniisan when they came to visit. I
asked about the curse and the blessing and Kayama-oniisan looked
very mad, and had muttered something about wringing Daddy's neck
for putting such a bad influence on me. Midori, their daughter,
looked around blankly and had found comfort with Shiro, our dog,
instead of myself, her usual playmate.
"What's this curse, Kaede-mama? How come no one will tell me?"
"For a good reason," Kayama-oniisan was mumbling again.
Then Kaede-mama said, "You got it from your mother and her family,"
she said softly. "You know that, don't you?"
"Kaede, you shouldn't be --"
"Yeah, Daddy always says that."
Then Kaede-mama pointed a finger at my chest. "It's inside you,
Itsuki. Inside your heart."
"... My heart?"
"Your will. Your will to fight. Your will to help others."
"... My will?" She had confused me thoroughly. My own will to
do whatever... that was the curse? The will to help people... it
was a curse? It was unclear.
That was when Kaede-mama started crying, and she and Kayama-oniisan
left me alone. Midori had given me a glare, then said haughtily,
"You made my Mommy cry." She and I were always competitive.
Especially over the fact that she had a mother -- something I could
never win through a contest, something I could never get in my life.
Our friendship was strung together by a friendly rivalry which became
hostile when mothers came into play.
"Shut up. Your mom cries too much."
"Does not! Besides, at least I *have* a Mom that cries," Midori
said smugly.
I don't remember slapping her. But that's what Kaede-mama told me
a few years later.
Midori didn't care. "You're cursed. I'm not cursed. I live in a
happy family."
"Why am I cursed?"
"'Cause. You're destined to help people. I can stop whenever I
want... but you won't /ever/ have a conscience. All you want to
do is good," she said, then paused, considering the prospect of it.
"And that's bad. You have no say in it."
And Midori let it slide into place... even though we were so much
younger... she let it make sense.
Now I know why Daddy calls it curse and a blessing. A blessing --
Mommy was kind-hearted and loving. She saved Teito, didn't she?
'Cause her will was to help others. And... a curse. 'Cause it
took her life, and she couldn't fight against her will. Because
your will is what you feel is right, isn't it?
A blessed curse, Daddy. Don't be sad. The curse doesn't sound
that bad. I wanna help people.
And maybe you'll smile at me proudly, instead of crying, when you see
Mommy in me.
OWARI
--
AUTHOR's NOTES:
My first ever "Sakura Taisen" fanfic, and done in monologue format.
I was actually working on a light-hearted + drama series while
working on "Cursed Blessing" when I came to this. I wanted to tell
a darker side to the end of the 'fairy tale' that most fans like as
Sakura/Oogami, but I didn't want to tell it in third-person, nor did
I want it as a monologue from an ordinary character's perspective.
That called for my original character: Itsuki. Apparently Sakura and
Oogami's daughter in this fanfic. [Itsuki, just for tidbit, is my
favorite Japanese name -- my runner-up is Midori.] I'm not going to
say how old she is in this monologue -- I've added a sense of maturity
while keeping the innocence by adding personal flairs like "Mommy" and
"Daddy."
Have I made Oogami a depressive guy? Yes. I felt like being cruel.
And what other character to bash than indecisive Oogami with the
Tenchi complex? XD [And while I'm at it, I should go beat up
Keitaro for having a Tenchi complex, too, but... oh well. He's more
or less misunderstood. ^_^]
For those who are totally ignorant or haven't seen/heard of ST much
yet, the real "cursed blessing" is the Haja blood from the Shinguuji
line -- the blood that draws one to fight demons. Kaede, being Kaede, t
ranslated that "less literally" for Itsuki.
The idea for tacking the "-mama" suffixes on came more or less from
Takeuchi Naoko's "Sailormoon" manga, particularly the S arc during volume
14, where Hotaru addresses her "new parents" as Haruka-papa, Michiru-mama,
etc. Iris and Reni were too young, so I kept "oneechan." And Kayama
became simply "oniisan."
I can't say I'm satisfied with this monologue -- but hey, it's my shot
at my first ST fanfic [not to mention I'm doing it from the perspective
of a character creation -- something I don't like to do that often].
C&C demanded at gunpoint -- yes, that's my motto.
-- Emily "Mink" Koh
August 15, 2001
by Emily "Mink" Koh
--
Disclaimer: Sakura Taisen is [c] 1996-2001, Sega and Red Company.
"Blessed Cursed" is [c] 2001, Emily "Mink" Koh (mink249@aol.com).
Do not repost elsewhere without my consent.
--
My mother died so early in my life that I can't remember anything
about her.
Oh, I remember the little things. The sound of her laughter, for
instance. Her voice was happy and cheerful -- that much, I remember.
Almost childlike. And I remember what she smelled like -- a fresh
scent of flowers at springtime. Lilacs? Wisteria? No... cherry
blossoms. Like her namesake.
I don't remember what she looked like, I was too young. She
shouldn't have died when I was two. How could she do that? A
little girl needs her mother. She should've died at a time when I
could have had enough memories of her to treasure.
Or maybe she just shouldn't have died at all. There's a nice wish.
Daddy has all these photos of her. Framed sepia pictures that
stand on various places in our house. There are a lot from when
she was young. She's with people I recognize -- all of her friends
and Daddy's friends; my "aunts," but all of whom I call "Mama,"
because they acted all as my substitute mothers.
I hate photos. Sure, Daddy loves them because he actually remembers
Mommy. He'd point out to each picture and say, "I remember when,"
or "Your mother used to." Me? I can't say that. The photos are
frozen moments in time -- moments in time that I could've never met
my mom. Reminding me that I would never share one "I remember when"
moment.
Even the ones that should be mine -- even though I can't remember
them -- belong to Daddy. "Your mother used to read you 'Cinderella'
every night before you went to bed. No other stories... you had a
thing for Western fairy tales," he'd say. And that was not my memory,
it was his memory, 'cause I couldn't remember her reading it to me.
Nothing of my mother's was mine except our looks. Maria-mama said
I looked a lot like Mommy: the same dark hair, the same smile.
Sometimes, Daddy tells me that I look so much like Mommy and then
he starts crying again.
I hate having Mommy's look and making Daddy cry. Daddy never
smiles at me too much.
The only other thing that's mine from Mommy is the "curse."
That's what Daddy calls it when he's angry. "The damn curse."
Daddy doesn't break out into tempers often, but some days, he gets
mad whenever he looks at a photo of Mommy and he ends up crying and
mumbles something about how it's all about the "curse."
Then he tells me I'm cursed too. "Just like your mother." And he
doesn't say it accusationally -- he says it in such a sympathetic
way, a way that I just want to hug him and tell him it's okay, there
is no curse, 'cause I've been feeling fine ever since day one. But
everytime he reminds himself of the curse, he gets a sad sympathetic
look at me, ready to cry. "Don't take her away," he says. What's
that supposed to mean?
When that happens, he's pretty lifeless for a few days. And then
I have to call either Grandma or Sumire-mama to come and help me --
help me prepare food, help me get Daddy back into shape.
Whenever Daddy's not in his "slumps," he keeps telling me that I'm
blessed. No mention of a curse. I asked him if Mommy had the blessing
too, and Daddy said she did. Daddy said that all of the people in
the Shinguuji family had the blessing and since I was her daughter,
I had it, too.
"What's the blessing?" I had asked him once.
My father got tears in his eyes as his response.
Wondering if he didn't hear me, I asked him again.
"The curse," he said. "The blessing is the curse."
I never asked again. If the blessing was the curse... then the
curse was a good thing? But... Daddy always spoke badly of it
whenever he was in one of his bad moods. He said it took away
Mommy's life. Maybe it was a bad curse, like something from the
fairy tales.
Once, when Sumire-mama was taking care of us, I asked her when she
was reading me a story.
"What's this curse that I have?"
She stopped reading, looking up sharply. "What?"
"Daddy said Mommy was cursed, and that's why she died."
It was a few moments before my "aunt" responded. "Your mother did
not have a curse," she said thickly. "You know your mother fought
in the Teikoku Kagekidan: Hanagumi to protect Teito, right, Itsuki?"
"With Daddy and you and Maria-mama and everyone else," I added.
"Exactly." She smiled for a moment, and then the look flickered away.
"Your mother died of injuries she got in war."
"Injuries?" I frowned. She was evading my question -- I knew of
the war. Daddy used to speak of it often.
"There was a very big war before you were born. Evil dispersed into
Teito." My aunt's eyes clouded at the memory. "We had an unlucky
chance of winning, but your mother saved us all."
I could've sworn that she had muttered "that fool" under her breath,
but I didn't comment.
"How did Mommy save Teito? What's the curse that took her life?"
"When you are older, I will tell you -- and there is no curse,"
Sumire-mama simply said. "And now, shall we return to Cinderella's
exploits?"
"I hate Cinderella!"
That was the day I began to hate fairy tales. There was always a
"happily ever after." But in reality, nothing like that exists.
Fairy tales teased my life. Mocked me, made a fool out of me.
Cinderella and her stupid fairy godmother -- unreal. Someone
granting anything you wanted. I wish I had a fairy godmother of
my own so I could wish Mommy back.
The woman I never knew. The woman responsible for making Daddy
cry whenever he saw me.
I don't remember what happened afterward, but I think I cried the
entire night while I was soothed by Sumire-mama. And shortly
afterwards, whenever my other "aunts" would come and visit us, I'd
ask them the same question: What's the curse that Mommy and I had?
How was it a blessing?
All of them escaped the question so easily. Offering me more stories
about Mommy, feeding me valuable information of the past that they
knew I wanted, while burying the question. Iris-oneesan and Reni-
oneesan bought me with stories of Mommy's accidents during her actress
career stint. Maria-mama and Kanna-mama gave me more photos to shut
me up. Orihime-mama and Kohran-mama won me over with more memories.
And then for once, someone didn't lie to me. Didn't escape my grasp.
I asked Kaede-mama and Kayama-oniisan when they came to visit. I
asked about the curse and the blessing and Kayama-oniisan looked
very mad, and had muttered something about wringing Daddy's neck
for putting such a bad influence on me. Midori, their daughter,
looked around blankly and had found comfort with Shiro, our dog,
instead of myself, her usual playmate.
"What's this curse, Kaede-mama? How come no one will tell me?"
"For a good reason," Kayama-oniisan was mumbling again.
Then Kaede-mama said, "You got it from your mother and her family,"
she said softly. "You know that, don't you?"
"Kaede, you shouldn't be --"
"Yeah, Daddy always says that."
Then Kaede-mama pointed a finger at my chest. "It's inside you,
Itsuki. Inside your heart."
"... My heart?"
"Your will. Your will to fight. Your will to help others."
"... My will?" She had confused me thoroughly. My own will to
do whatever... that was the curse? The will to help people... it
was a curse? It was unclear.
That was when Kaede-mama started crying, and she and Kayama-oniisan
left me alone. Midori had given me a glare, then said haughtily,
"You made my Mommy cry." She and I were always competitive.
Especially over the fact that she had a mother -- something I could
never win through a contest, something I could never get in my life.
Our friendship was strung together by a friendly rivalry which became
hostile when mothers came into play.
"Shut up. Your mom cries too much."
"Does not! Besides, at least I *have* a Mom that cries," Midori
said smugly.
I don't remember slapping her. But that's what Kaede-mama told me
a few years later.
Midori didn't care. "You're cursed. I'm not cursed. I live in a
happy family."
"Why am I cursed?"
"'Cause. You're destined to help people. I can stop whenever I
want... but you won't /ever/ have a conscience. All you want to
do is good," she said, then paused, considering the prospect of it.
"And that's bad. You have no say in it."
And Midori let it slide into place... even though we were so much
younger... she let it make sense.
Now I know why Daddy calls it curse and a blessing. A blessing --
Mommy was kind-hearted and loving. She saved Teito, didn't she?
'Cause her will was to help others. And... a curse. 'Cause it
took her life, and she couldn't fight against her will. Because
your will is what you feel is right, isn't it?
A blessed curse, Daddy. Don't be sad. The curse doesn't sound
that bad. I wanna help people.
And maybe you'll smile at me proudly, instead of crying, when you see
Mommy in me.
OWARI
--
AUTHOR's NOTES:
My first ever "Sakura Taisen" fanfic, and done in monologue format.
I was actually working on a light-hearted + drama series while
working on "Cursed Blessing" when I came to this. I wanted to tell
a darker side to the end of the 'fairy tale' that most fans like as
Sakura/Oogami, but I didn't want to tell it in third-person, nor did
I want it as a monologue from an ordinary character's perspective.
That called for my original character: Itsuki. Apparently Sakura and
Oogami's daughter in this fanfic. [Itsuki, just for tidbit, is my
favorite Japanese name -- my runner-up is Midori.] I'm not going to
say how old she is in this monologue -- I've added a sense of maturity
while keeping the innocence by adding personal flairs like "Mommy" and
"Daddy."
Have I made Oogami a depressive guy? Yes. I felt like being cruel.
And what other character to bash than indecisive Oogami with the
Tenchi complex? XD [And while I'm at it, I should go beat up
Keitaro for having a Tenchi complex, too, but... oh well. He's more
or less misunderstood. ^_^]
For those who are totally ignorant or haven't seen/heard of ST much
yet, the real "cursed blessing" is the Haja blood from the Shinguuji
line -- the blood that draws one to fight demons. Kaede, being Kaede, t
ranslated that "less literally" for Itsuki.
The idea for tacking the "-mama" suffixes on came more or less from
Takeuchi Naoko's "Sailormoon" manga, particularly the S arc during volume
14, where Hotaru addresses her "new parents" as Haruka-papa, Michiru-mama,
etc. Iris and Reni were too young, so I kept "oneechan." And Kayama
became simply "oniisan."
I can't say I'm satisfied with this monologue -- but hey, it's my shot
at my first ST fanfic [not to mention I'm doing it from the perspective
of a character creation -- something I don't like to do that often].
C&C demanded at gunpoint -- yes, that's my motto.
-- Emily "Mink" Koh
August 15, 2001