AUTHOR: Goddess Isa
EMAIL: goddessisa@aol.com
SUMMARY: Wesley finds Angel in a sad, lonely moment. ANGSTY as HELL
SPOILER: The Gift & There's No Place Like Plrtz Blrg or whatever the Hell it was called
RATING: TV-14 - it's a bit dark. Okay, it's a lot dark.
DISTRIBUTION: http://planetslaythis.homestead.com
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Angel or Wesley. Joss and David G. do. I don't own the song, either, but The Cure does.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I found these lyrics in my favorite places and this just boiled out of me. So enjoy...
The hotel was quiet.
Too quiet for Wesley. He got scared when things were quiet, mostly because the last time he found the hotel quiet, it was because Angel was upstairs, fornicating with the enemy, namely Darla.
The former Watcher shivered and entered his former boss's office.
Angel was on the floor, a small ritualistic-looking fire before him. He had a photo album in his lap, and he was pulling out the pictures, one by one.
"What are you doing?" Wesley asked softly.
"Go away, Wesley." It wasn't a request, and Angel's voice was so purely animal, it sent chills up Wesley's spine.
"I don't think so," he knelt beside his friend and took a closer look. Just as he'd thought, the photos were of Buffy.
"I said GO AWAY!" Angel glared at Wesley, his yellow eyes glowing, though his human face remained in tact.
"No." Wesley said just as flatly. "I don't think you should be alone right now."
"I don't care what you think."
"You will," Wesley said firmly. "When it's been a few months and you're alone and you need to talk and I'm not here, you're going to care."
"Fuck off."
Wesley was surprised at this angry side of Angel. He'd seen Angel evil, crazy, even completely depressed and withdrawn, but never had he seen him so furious.
It was the loss of Buffy, Wesley knew that, but it was also the loss of control that Angel felt now. Before, he'd always had a sense that Buffy was safe, that if he ever needed her, she'd be there. Now that assurance was broken. Buffy was gone forever and nothing could ever bring her back.
Wesley sighed, staring at his friend, wishing there was something more that he could do. Resolving that there wasn't, he sat on his heels and waited for Angel to speak.
Not surprisingly, the vampire didn't say a word. He pulled out another picture of Buffy, stared at it, kissed it lovingly, then tore it into four pieces and tossed it into the fire.
It was then that Wesley noticed the Amulet of Verbana in the center of the fire. He gulped, knowing what that Amulet would mean.
The Ritual of Verban was an old one, originated somewhere in France but a Princess whose lover married her eldest sister. The Princess used the jeweled necklace her grandmother left her as a blessing piece and cast a fire while chanting to erase all memory of the man from her mind. It worked, and when she died, other members of her secret coven turned the charred necklace into the Amulets of Verbana. There were only a few, five at most, and they were both very rare and expensive. Wesley was surprised that Angel had tracked one down.
He wondered, monentarily, why Angel would truly want to erase all memory of Buffy from his mind. It had been five long, tortorous years of his life that he'd shared his heart with Buffy's, but there was also a light at the end of the tunnel. A light that promised his redemption at some point in the future. Wesley knew that Angel prayed day and night that his redemption would come during Buffy's lifetime, so that they could have a little more time, even more one happy day.
The photos were growing fewer and fewer as Angel went on with the ritual. It wasn't Wesley's place to step in, to stop Angel from something he would somehow regret later, so he sat back and watched.
And waited.
There was one photo left now, of Buffy at the prom. She was in the center of the floor, holding the Class Protector Award she valued so much. Her smile was genuine, and Wesley believed that Willow had snapped that photo of Buffy's expression as Angel entered the gym.
Angel kissed the photo, and held it to his lips for a long time. He pulled it away, put his fingers on the center of the photo, and paused.
"You don't have to do this," Wesley said quietly.
Angel nodded, then tore the photo in two.
//I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost beleive that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures
Are all I can feel
Remembering you standing quiet in the rain
As I ran to your heart to be near
And we kissed
As the sky fell in
Holding you close
Remembering you
Running soft through the night
You were bigger and brighter than the snow
And screamed at the make-believe
Screamed at the sky
And you finally found all your courage
To let it all go
Remembering you
Falling into my arms crying
For the death of your heart you were stone
White so delicate
Lost in the cold
You were always so lost in the dark
Remembering you
How you used to be slow
Drowned you were
Angels so much more than everything
Hold for the last time
Then slip away quietly
Open my eyes
But I never see anything
If only I had thought of the right words
I could have held on to your heart
If only I'd thought of the right words
I wouldn't be breaking apart
All my pictures of you
Looking so long at these pictures of you
But I never hold on to your heart
Looking so long for the words to be true
But always just breaking apart my pictures of you
There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more
Than to feel you deep in my heart
There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more
Than to never feel the breaking apart all my
Pictures of you\\