Golden Cage
I am alone.
I am alone, though I have many friends and followers. I must
endure this painful feeling. Like the stabbing of a thousand
swords through my heart and soul. My mind is at a loss. Why must
I feel this way? Why must the bright and shining sun be a cold
storm cloud to mine eyes alone? Why?
But when I
am near her, the spell is broken... How could this be? I am at a
loss again. So confused. So lost...So... Lonely. My heart calls
out but no one returns my mournful cries. No one can understand
me. I speak their tongue but, yet they cannot understand me.
It is like
that everywhere... I see what they see, yet it moves me different.
I hear what they hear, yet it is a different tune all together.
It' s puzzling. There are 2 sides to every coin, and yet I see
the wrong side. How can that be? No one understands me! I am lost
in this storm deep within my heart! Can't they see how it
tortures me?
It has been
for a while. This storm that has no calm. This night that has no
day... It's endless. A never ending pain. Never ending. Never
fleeing. Stronger than any emotion I could have. It has a cold
hand. I will never be used to that feeling. That pain... That
loss.
It never
ended. Never once. Never... But she gives me strength, yet she
strengthens the hold it has on me. It is nearly impossible for me
to contain myself towards her. I want so much for this feeling to
end, but it never will. Never.
How could I
even call myself a warrior? How? I am but a mere and common
coward. Trapped within this immortal prison. Strength and bravery
are easily pretended. False and accommodated. Made to make a man
such as myself seem so brave and strong. Why? No one can see
through my mask? My mask of the me I want to be...?
She is a
comfort. How I love to hear her soft and gentle voice. How I love
to see her gentle, smiling face. How I love to hear her thoughts
when she confides in me. How I love the lingering feeling of her
touch. I love the taste of her kiss... I can still sense it on my
lips. But it is never to be sensed again. So it is a treasured
memory.
Yet she only
intensifies my loneliness. How I love it when she clings to me,
but how it tears me to see her cling to her true love. It tears
me in two. I must try to hold my feelings inside, but it brings
me to tears at times. But I've promised never to cry in front of
her ever again.
Why can I
not look anyone in the eyes anymore? Have I become such a
prisoner in my own home? Such a prisoner to my own thoughts? To
my own feelings? I do not deserve any sword. Most certainly not a
holy one. I don't even deserve to be a Suzaku seishi.
When I heard
of my companions' deaths, I felt even more pain. Like all of me
had died, and yet I was still there to grieve. Why is life that
unfair? Why does this torture never stop? My companions can die
for our cause... My cause. My own selfish request, then why must
I sit back and hide among my court? Why can't I be given the
chance to show them how much I am with them?
When given
the chance to show them how much they mean to me, and how much I
care, I would give my own life. Not for my own selfish accord. No,
but for them. For her. For the feelings they give me. The times I
am with them and I do not feel lonely.
I
loved... And became Happy...
Hotohori
