As we join our lovable........oh, what's the use! Just read the last part, ok?
Raijin- It's Sephiroth, Kuja, and Krelian, ya know? And....is that....Reno?
*It is, in fact, Reno, holding a very angered Quistis. Kuja has Rinoa, Krelian has Fuujin, and Sephiroth........has style, what else?*
Squall- What's going on here? Seifer, did you have something to do with all this?
Seifer- Finally catching on, eh, Puberty Boy? I set the whole thing up!
Squall- What?!
Zell- So Squall was right. You really do have a secret life as a kinky male prostitute, dreaming of one day owning your own burlesque house for misunderstood villains from popular video games!
Sephiroth- That's right! And we helped that dream come true.
Kuja- Finally you pathetic goodie goods will realize the truth! When it comes to flashy clothes, silver hair, sexy bods, and evil.......you don't stand a chance!
Zell- But, how did you all ending up working together?
Sephiroth- Simple; Krelian tried to create God, Kuja tried to play God, I am a god........it just seemed so right.
Irvine- How does Seifer fit in then?
Seifer- That's even easier. There's more than one thing you can be a god at......right Quisty? *grinning over at her as she glares daggers back at....well, more than likely, her /ex/-boyfriend*
Quistis- I'm going to hurt you.
Fuujin- Seifer, what the hell.......I mean...errm......EXPLAIN!
Seifer- Don't worry, Fuuj, it's all in good fun.
Raijin- Fun? I almost got molested, ya know?
Zell- I acted like a chicken, dressed like a freakin' parrot, and lost a whole lot more than just some stupid costume after that performance! What's going on?!
Krelian- We needed performers, and Seifer had a bone to pick with you. What else is there to know?
Rinoa- But.....I thought we were all friends now. Why were you mad at us, Seifer?
Seifer- Why? Why?! You know why! I didn't get a single frickin' present for my birthday, that's why?!
Quistis- *dawning a secretive smirk* What about mine?
Seifer- Oh yeah.........but that still doesn't make up for the rest of you!
Squall- You jerk, we were on a major mission protecting the new president of Galbadia that week! I almost got shot! When did we have to go shopping for some stupid.....!
Rinoa- Squall! I don't think you're helping the situation. Seifer, listen to me, we're really sorry. We'll do whatever you want to make up for it, ok? But......hooking up with these freakish, twisted, manipulating, evil-minded villains, that's just wrong!
Kuja- I resent that remark. I'm not manipulating.
Seifer- Can it, princess! There's only one thing I want.
Squall- And what's that.....?
Seifer- For my new romantic dream to remain a reality! And that means.......you've all got new night jobs.
Zell- You better be kidding!
Seifer- Come on, I'll even pay you. We make a killing with this place.
Zell- No way! Some things you sell you can get back, but other stuff......you just can't!
Krelian- That line sounded suspiciously copyrighted.......
Seifer- If you don't do what I say then.......then......
Sephiroth- We'll just have to confiscate these lovely ladies. *indicating Quistis, Fuujin, and Rinoa*
Reno- Oooooo, can I keep the feisty one? *meaning Quistis* I hear you have a whip. Care to use it for a little pleasurable recreation?
Quistis- How about I use it to snap off your.....
Seifer- Enough! Besides.......she's mine.
Irvine- So......how are we going to solve this?
Kuja- I guess we'll just have to force you to join our show.
*villains begin to advance on the poor, defenseless, and scantily clad SeeDs, when suddenly.......*
Laguna- Are we late? Did we miss the show?
Squall- Dad?!
*****
I bet you're wondering what happened to Selphie and Edea. Well, you see, when the lights went out, they ran to the wall, to avoid being trampled. When the lights came back on, and they realized the situation developing, they quickly climbed up onto the catwalk in the rafters using the ladder near the side of the stage. They are now looking down on the group below.
Edea- Oh my, I have a really bad feeling about this.
Selphie- Why? We're safe.
Edea- But how are we going to help the others?
Selphie- Ummm........we could climb over to those wires, hop onto the scaffold, and then drop the ceiling lights down on the villains below. That way, we're safe, and we help the gang out, too.
Edea- Why, that's brilliant, Dear!
Selphie- Thanks! Hey.......*gasp*........is that Sir Laguna! *leans a little too far over the edge of the rafters......*
Edea- Selphie, don't......! *sadly, it is too late, and the pixie brunette falls over the edge, with a very unfortunate Edea following behind her after trying to pull the girl back up*
*****
Down below......
Zell- Laguna? What are you doing here?
*Laguna Loire, flanked by his buddies, Kiros and Ward, has entered the establishment, and is now approaching the others*
Laguna- Uhhhh.......I.......
Irvine- You came to rescue us!?
Laguna- Right! That's why we're here! It's not as if we secretly come here every Saturday night using my presidential discount or anything.
Ward- .........
Kiros- Ward says, you can't lie worth crap.
Laguna- *whispers* Shut up!
Squall- You are /not/ related to me.
Seifer- As much as I hate to interrupt this lovely family reunion, weren't we in the middle of something!
*before anyone can respond, some unwanted guests suddenly drop in. Edea lands on a corner of the tablecloth Zell was using, causing him to loose it, and Selphie lands heavily on top of Sephiroth*
Zell- Damn, not again!
Edea- My, my, you've certainly grown up nicely, haven't you, Zelly-boy?
Zell- Ack! *rips tablecloth out from under Edea, once again tying it around his waist* Stop looking at me like that! You're like my mother!
Edea- Then come to Mama!
Zell- *hides behind Irvine* When am I gonna wake up?
Sephiroth- Get off me! *struggling from underneath Selphie*
Selphie- *doesn't move* Hey Sephiroth! Wow, you're even sexier in person. Can I have your autograph?
Sephiroth- I said, get off, you twit!
Selphie- *still doesn't move* Hey, ever notice we have the same nickname? Sephy and Sefie! Ain't that nifty!
Irvine- Selphie, get off of him right now!
Raijin- Are you jealous of Sephiroth or Selphie? Cause my votes on the silver one, ya know?
Squall- Hold it! Selphie, don't move! With Sephiroth down, we've got them surrounded!
Seifer- *looking around frantically as he realizes the villains are indeed outmatched* Wait.....Squall.....we can talk about this, can't we?
*the good guys begin to corner the helpless villains. Poor babies. :-)*
Squall- You made me wear a wig, pick out a humiliating drag name, slip on this white leather skirt half the size of a g-string, and then nearly got me mauled by a bunch of ravaging who knows what trying to rip it all off, and you think we're gonna talk?!
Raijin- I thought we were friends, ya know?
Irvine- Look what you've done to Zell! He'll never recover!
Zell- *wrapping tablecloth tighter and tighter around himself*........nice, nice icee......nice, nice icee........
Edea- It's ok, my little Zelly-bear.
Zell- *sobs uncontrollably*
Krelian- I'm beginning to think this was a very bad idea........
Reno- Wait! We've still got the girls! Get back, or we'll.....we'll.....
*while Reno's trying to think of something threatening, Quistis slams her head back into Reno's forehead, stomps on his foot, slips out of his arms as he stumbles back in pain, and then comes around to put the fumbling red-head in a headlock*
Quistis- You'll what?
Reno- Ummm......anyone?
*****
Considering the poor, innocent villains didn't stand a chance, the SeeD's quickly overtook them. At least, the ones able to function normally did. Zell's still in recovery. Once the villains were apprehended, they were returned to their own worlds for punishment. Reno, however, well........let's just say he was very happy to go home, and probably won't be having children any time soon. That Quistis is a vicious one. As for Seifer...........
Squall- As punishment for your......indescribably immoral behavior......you'll be happy to know we've decided not to expel you from Garden......
Seifer- Really? Oh, thank you so much! I swear I'll.....
Squall- BUT.........there is a catch.
Seifer- .......catch?
Squall- *grinning evilly* You have to clean Garden from top to bottom.......
Seifer- That's not so bad......
Squall- .....with a toothbrush......
Seifer- .......ok.
Squall- ......and.......you have to do it wearing your drag costume.
Seifer- WHAT?!
*****
The next day..........
Seifer- *on hands and knees in front of the directory, with toothbrush, in that flattering Jessica Rabbit getup, complete with silver wig, makeup, and a lovely manicure by Selphie* This is so degrading.
Quistis- You're the one who was willing to be seen in that ensemble for a living. What's the difference?
Seifer- This is Garden! People who respect and fear me live here! What will this do to my reputation?!
Quistis- You betrayed Garden, tried to turn us over to an evil sorceress, nearly got everyone killed, and you think you still have a good reputation?
Seifer- I didn't say it was a good one.
Quistis- *standing behind Seifer, and very much enjoying the view* Personally, I think this could be a step up for you.
Rinoa- *bounding from the walkway on Squall's arm* Hey Seifer! We just came from visiting Zell in the Infirmary.
Quistis- The Infirmary? Is he hurt?
Squall- Psychiatric evaluation.
Quistis- Oh......
Rinoa- He wanted me to deliver a message to you, as a way of paying you back for everything that happened.
Seifer- This can't be good.
Squall- It is in my opinion.
Rinoa- He just wanted you to know, that he pulled some strings to get the Garden schedule changed around a bit.
Seifer- What does that have to do with me?
Rinoa- Oh, nothing.......just that........it's student orientation day today. Bye!
*Squall and Rinoa swiftly walk away as Quistis bursts out laughing*
Seifer- WHAT?!
*just then, a hoard of kids and their parents come charging through the Garden doors, right up to the directory*
Quistis- I'm so glad we have security cameras. This tape's going in my private collection.
Seifer- Damn you, Chicken-Wuss!
Young Boy- Mommy, why's that man dressed like Uncle Bernice?
*****
The End!! Praise Hyne!! My second pure humor fic ever, and I'm so proud. Chalk full of sexual innuendoes, and oh so much kinky fun! Tell me what you thought, oh dear and wonderful fanfic readers. I love you all!
Raijin- It's Sephiroth, Kuja, and Krelian, ya know? And....is that....Reno?
*It is, in fact, Reno, holding a very angered Quistis. Kuja has Rinoa, Krelian has Fuujin, and Sephiroth........has style, what else?*
Squall- What's going on here? Seifer, did you have something to do with all this?
Seifer- Finally catching on, eh, Puberty Boy? I set the whole thing up!
Squall- What?!
Zell- So Squall was right. You really do have a secret life as a kinky male prostitute, dreaming of one day owning your own burlesque house for misunderstood villains from popular video games!
Sephiroth- That's right! And we helped that dream come true.
Kuja- Finally you pathetic goodie goods will realize the truth! When it comes to flashy clothes, silver hair, sexy bods, and evil.......you don't stand a chance!
Zell- But, how did you all ending up working together?
Sephiroth- Simple; Krelian tried to create God, Kuja tried to play God, I am a god........it just seemed so right.
Irvine- How does Seifer fit in then?
Seifer- That's even easier. There's more than one thing you can be a god at......right Quisty? *grinning over at her as she glares daggers back at....well, more than likely, her /ex/-boyfriend*
Quistis- I'm going to hurt you.
Fuujin- Seifer, what the hell.......I mean...errm......EXPLAIN!
Seifer- Don't worry, Fuuj, it's all in good fun.
Raijin- Fun? I almost got molested, ya know?
Zell- I acted like a chicken, dressed like a freakin' parrot, and lost a whole lot more than just some stupid costume after that performance! What's going on?!
Krelian- We needed performers, and Seifer had a bone to pick with you. What else is there to know?
Rinoa- But.....I thought we were all friends now. Why were you mad at us, Seifer?
Seifer- Why? Why?! You know why! I didn't get a single frickin' present for my birthday, that's why?!
Quistis- *dawning a secretive smirk* What about mine?
Seifer- Oh yeah.........but that still doesn't make up for the rest of you!
Squall- You jerk, we were on a major mission protecting the new president of Galbadia that week! I almost got shot! When did we have to go shopping for some stupid.....!
Rinoa- Squall! I don't think you're helping the situation. Seifer, listen to me, we're really sorry. We'll do whatever you want to make up for it, ok? But......hooking up with these freakish, twisted, manipulating, evil-minded villains, that's just wrong!
Kuja- I resent that remark. I'm not manipulating.
Seifer- Can it, princess! There's only one thing I want.
Squall- And what's that.....?
Seifer- For my new romantic dream to remain a reality! And that means.......you've all got new night jobs.
Zell- You better be kidding!
Seifer- Come on, I'll even pay you. We make a killing with this place.
Zell- No way! Some things you sell you can get back, but other stuff......you just can't!
Krelian- That line sounded suspiciously copyrighted.......
Seifer- If you don't do what I say then.......then......
Sephiroth- We'll just have to confiscate these lovely ladies. *indicating Quistis, Fuujin, and Rinoa*
Reno- Oooooo, can I keep the feisty one? *meaning Quistis* I hear you have a whip. Care to use it for a little pleasurable recreation?
Quistis- How about I use it to snap off your.....
Seifer- Enough! Besides.......she's mine.
Irvine- So......how are we going to solve this?
Kuja- I guess we'll just have to force you to join our show.
*villains begin to advance on the poor, defenseless, and scantily clad SeeDs, when suddenly.......*
Laguna- Are we late? Did we miss the show?
Squall- Dad?!
*****
I bet you're wondering what happened to Selphie and Edea. Well, you see, when the lights went out, they ran to the wall, to avoid being trampled. When the lights came back on, and they realized the situation developing, they quickly climbed up onto the catwalk in the rafters using the ladder near the side of the stage. They are now looking down on the group below.
Edea- Oh my, I have a really bad feeling about this.
Selphie- Why? We're safe.
Edea- But how are we going to help the others?
Selphie- Ummm........we could climb over to those wires, hop onto the scaffold, and then drop the ceiling lights down on the villains below. That way, we're safe, and we help the gang out, too.
Edea- Why, that's brilliant, Dear!
Selphie- Thanks! Hey.......*gasp*........is that Sir Laguna! *leans a little too far over the edge of the rafters......*
Edea- Selphie, don't......! *sadly, it is too late, and the pixie brunette falls over the edge, with a very unfortunate Edea following behind her after trying to pull the girl back up*
*****
Down below......
Zell- Laguna? What are you doing here?
*Laguna Loire, flanked by his buddies, Kiros and Ward, has entered the establishment, and is now approaching the others*
Laguna- Uhhhh.......I.......
Irvine- You came to rescue us!?
Laguna- Right! That's why we're here! It's not as if we secretly come here every Saturday night using my presidential discount or anything.
Ward- .........
Kiros- Ward says, you can't lie worth crap.
Laguna- *whispers* Shut up!
Squall- You are /not/ related to me.
Seifer- As much as I hate to interrupt this lovely family reunion, weren't we in the middle of something!
*before anyone can respond, some unwanted guests suddenly drop in. Edea lands on a corner of the tablecloth Zell was using, causing him to loose it, and Selphie lands heavily on top of Sephiroth*
Zell- Damn, not again!
Edea- My, my, you've certainly grown up nicely, haven't you, Zelly-boy?
Zell- Ack! *rips tablecloth out from under Edea, once again tying it around his waist* Stop looking at me like that! You're like my mother!
Edea- Then come to Mama!
Zell- *hides behind Irvine* When am I gonna wake up?
Sephiroth- Get off me! *struggling from underneath Selphie*
Selphie- *doesn't move* Hey Sephiroth! Wow, you're even sexier in person. Can I have your autograph?
Sephiroth- I said, get off, you twit!
Selphie- *still doesn't move* Hey, ever notice we have the same nickname? Sephy and Sefie! Ain't that nifty!
Irvine- Selphie, get off of him right now!
Raijin- Are you jealous of Sephiroth or Selphie? Cause my votes on the silver one, ya know?
Squall- Hold it! Selphie, don't move! With Sephiroth down, we've got them surrounded!
Seifer- *looking around frantically as he realizes the villains are indeed outmatched* Wait.....Squall.....we can talk about this, can't we?
*the good guys begin to corner the helpless villains. Poor babies. :-)*
Squall- You made me wear a wig, pick out a humiliating drag name, slip on this white leather skirt half the size of a g-string, and then nearly got me mauled by a bunch of ravaging who knows what trying to rip it all off, and you think we're gonna talk?!
Raijin- I thought we were friends, ya know?
Irvine- Look what you've done to Zell! He'll never recover!
Zell- *wrapping tablecloth tighter and tighter around himself*........nice, nice icee......nice, nice icee........
Edea- It's ok, my little Zelly-bear.
Zell- *sobs uncontrollably*
Krelian- I'm beginning to think this was a very bad idea........
Reno- Wait! We've still got the girls! Get back, or we'll.....we'll.....
*while Reno's trying to think of something threatening, Quistis slams her head back into Reno's forehead, stomps on his foot, slips out of his arms as he stumbles back in pain, and then comes around to put the fumbling red-head in a headlock*
Quistis- You'll what?
Reno- Ummm......anyone?
*****
Considering the poor, innocent villains didn't stand a chance, the SeeD's quickly overtook them. At least, the ones able to function normally did. Zell's still in recovery. Once the villains were apprehended, they were returned to their own worlds for punishment. Reno, however, well........let's just say he was very happy to go home, and probably won't be having children any time soon. That Quistis is a vicious one. As for Seifer...........
Squall- As punishment for your......indescribably immoral behavior......you'll be happy to know we've decided not to expel you from Garden......
Seifer- Really? Oh, thank you so much! I swear I'll.....
Squall- BUT.........there is a catch.
Seifer- .......catch?
Squall- *grinning evilly* You have to clean Garden from top to bottom.......
Seifer- That's not so bad......
Squall- .....with a toothbrush......
Seifer- .......ok.
Squall- ......and.......you have to do it wearing your drag costume.
Seifer- WHAT?!
*****
The next day..........
Seifer- *on hands and knees in front of the directory, with toothbrush, in that flattering Jessica Rabbit getup, complete with silver wig, makeup, and a lovely manicure by Selphie* This is so degrading.
Quistis- You're the one who was willing to be seen in that ensemble for a living. What's the difference?
Seifer- This is Garden! People who respect and fear me live here! What will this do to my reputation?!
Quistis- You betrayed Garden, tried to turn us over to an evil sorceress, nearly got everyone killed, and you think you still have a good reputation?
Seifer- I didn't say it was a good one.
Quistis- *standing behind Seifer, and very much enjoying the view* Personally, I think this could be a step up for you.
Rinoa- *bounding from the walkway on Squall's arm* Hey Seifer! We just came from visiting Zell in the Infirmary.
Quistis- The Infirmary? Is he hurt?
Squall- Psychiatric evaluation.
Quistis- Oh......
Rinoa- He wanted me to deliver a message to you, as a way of paying you back for everything that happened.
Seifer- This can't be good.
Squall- It is in my opinion.
Rinoa- He just wanted you to know, that he pulled some strings to get the Garden schedule changed around a bit.
Seifer- What does that have to do with me?
Rinoa- Oh, nothing.......just that........it's student orientation day today. Bye!
*Squall and Rinoa swiftly walk away as Quistis bursts out laughing*
Seifer- WHAT?!
*just then, a hoard of kids and their parents come charging through the Garden doors, right up to the directory*
Quistis- I'm so glad we have security cameras. This tape's going in my private collection.
Seifer- Damn you, Chicken-Wuss!
Young Boy- Mommy, why's that man dressed like Uncle Bernice?
*****
The End!! Praise Hyne!! My second pure humor fic ever, and I'm so proud. Chalk full of sexual innuendoes, and oh so much kinky fun! Tell me what you thought, oh dear and wonderful fanfic readers. I love you all!