Love's Got A Lot To Answer For
By the Empress of the Eclipse
Disclaimer - I don't own Digimon. The song belongs to Elton John.
I had this idea vaguely for a while. Then I had a great ding-dong with a group of girls in Physics which led to me feeling utterly miserable (I hate school, I hate it!) and this fic just wrote itself. It's a one-sided YAMACHI with a character death.
'Pull my coat around me,
Feel the cold wind haunt me,
Streets are empty, just like me,
The murmur of an echo,
Seems to come from every window,
Is loneliness the same as being free?'
It's very late. Plus it's cold and dark. I've been out for hours now, wandering around. I don't even know where I am any more. I haven't seen anyone around. It's like a ghost town out here. I guess all the sensible people would be in bed or watching TV in nice warm houses.
I suppose they must be worrying by now, back at home. Or maybe not. Dad probably hasn't even noticed. He probably doesn't even care even if he has noticed. He's probably hoping that I'll never come back. He won't bother to tell Mum and TK that I've gone. TK might worry if he knew. But maybe not. He's got a life of his own now, doesn't need his big brother trailing after him, not any more. Maybe he never really needed me at all. I never really thought about what TK might want. It was what I needed. For a long time after the divorce, I was empty inside. But knowing - or thinking - that TK needed me stopped me staying empty. I let TK in and then realised that I needed someone. I didn't want to be lonely.
I've always been lonely though. Deep inside, I've always had an empty hollow which TK couldn't fill. In that deep place, I was always empty, lonely.
TK won't be. He's got all of you now. He won't ever be lonely, not like me.
And as for you...
I try to shake that thought away but the tears have already started to fall.
Why did you have to say those things to me Taichi? Why?
I thought I could trust you. I believed in you. And you crushed my hopes.
'I guess I must have been dreaming,
To think that I believed in you at all,
Now I just can't fight it,
As the shadow of the night begins to fall'
It was my fault. How could I ever have expected you to love me back? You're cool and popular. You're a soccer player for God's sake. How could I have expected you to be a faggot like I am?
But why did you have to say it the way you did Tai? Why couldn't you have been kinder?
I knew that you might be scared. I've hidden my feelings for years, never daring to tell you how much I loved you. I always did you know. Right from the Digiworld. I couldn't face up to it then, fought you instead. But we were friends, I knew that. Sometimes I hoped that you could maybe feel more. I tried not to hope. Everyone guessed that you liked Sora, we knew she liked you. I didn't want to lose both your friendships by doing things wrong. And I thought that maybe the feelings would go away. I mean, that happens a lot right? Everyone likes someone of the same sex when they grow up, it's natural. You just have to wait for it to pass.
Only with me, it never did pass.
'Love's got a lot to answer for,
Oh I just can't sleep with this feeling any more,
Let that cold night air cool the heat,
Of two hearts gone to war,
For no matter who wins in the end,
Love's got a lot to answer for'
I knew that it wasn't going to go away when I reached sixteen. I mean, by then it's either gone or you are. Gay I mean. So I knew that I had to face up to it. I liked you and in much, much more than in a friendly way. But I didn't want to tell you. You had a girlfriend at the time anyway. I couldn't compromise your relationship with someone. So I watched you and wanted you but never told you. We remained best friends instead. You told me all your problems and secrets. But I could never truly repay the favour. You could never know my greatest secret. Not without me losing your friendship. And that was something I knew that I could never stand.
We just went on. You had a string of girlfriends but nothing really lasting. If they chucked you, you'd come round and cry on my shoulder. I'd soothe you and hold you and we'd normally end up snuggled up together on the sofa, sharing popcorn and dissing all girls.
God I loved those times.
But there's only so long you can bottle up your feelings. Sooner or later, it gets too hard. You just can't stand it anymore. I'd reached that stage. I knew that I had to tell you.
Besides, we were such close friends. I was sure that you'd never reject me. Maybe you wouldn't love me back, but you'd never reject me...
I decided to tell my father first. It would probably be easier that way. Besides, he was my father, he deserved to know first. So one night, I sat him down and told him that I was gay.
I never thought he'd react the way he did. The look on his face....I knew I'd made a mistake, a terrible mistake. He just got up and left the room. Now any room with me in it is empty. I don't exist anymore. He's got rid of all his photos of me. He acts like he only ever had one son, TK.
I should have learned from my mistake. That my problem was my own, that I was dirty, that I should keep my disgusting secret from other people. But I couldn't. I couldn't. I needed to tell you. I needed somebody more than ever, somebody to really care. So I summoned up my courage, invited you over one night, and blurted out my feelings to you.
I should have known better. I never tell people my feelings. I've always cloaked my feelings in a dark box, imprisoned them where no one could probe them. But I decided to let you in Tai. I decided to let you into my protective veil, see the real me.
I was stupid.
'All I need is darkness,
The best of all protection,
Freedom's like the stars in the sky,
Alone and cold and burning,
Each one keeps it's distance,
If only we were stars, you and I.'
I'm standing on the bridge now. I don't even remember walking here. Was it conscious or was it just the direction my feet took me? It makes sense though. There's nowhere else for me to go. There's a protective rail but that's easy enough to climb over. I scramble over the top and look down, holding on with my fingers. There's solid concrete underneath me. Grey and flat and hard. Looks like how I feel. Blank. With nothing inside anymore.
As soon as I told you, I knew that it was wrong. You turned white, whiter than bones. I was holding your hands, you snatched them away like I was burning you. And then....then you called me names. You called me a queer and a faggot and a freak. You said I was sick and should be locked up. That I should stay away from you.
Why Tai? Even if you couldn't love me back, why did you have to react like that? Couldn't you have tried to accept me, tried to stay friends? I thought I knew you better than that, thought we'd remain friends, even if you couldn't love me. I thought you'd understand that I never meant to fall in love, not with you, not with anyone.
I believed in you Tai.
'Oh I guess I must have been dreaming,
To think that I believed in you at all,
And now I just can't fight it,
As the shadow of the night begins to fall.'
I lean out further over the concrete, gravity dragging at me, making it more difficult for my fingertips to support me. I wonder what's it's like to fly?
I said that nothing would ever come between us again. Couldn't you have made the same vow? Couldn't you have accepted me?
I guess it doesn't matter now does it? We're all the same really aren't we? In death, we're all maggot-eaten and cold. We're all the same. So why worry?
Dawn's breaking. I didn't realise I'd been out so long. No one's missed me I suppose. Maybe no one ever will.
Why couldn't I be normal? Why did I have to be me? I've never been any good. I guess you're right Tai. I am sick. Sick with love and sick inside.
I guess this is the only cure for this illness.
Goodbye Taichi.
I loose my fingertips and drop. The wind whistles through my hair and for a few seconds I'm flying, really flying...
Then I hit the floor. Darkness rushes in and I'm free.
'Love's got a lot to answer for,
Oh I just can't sleep with this feeling anymore,
Let the cold night air cool the heat,
Of two hearts gone to war,
For no matter who wins, in the end,
Love's got a lot to answer for.'
The End.
By the Empress of the Eclipse
Disclaimer - I don't own Digimon. The song belongs to Elton John.
I had this idea vaguely for a while. Then I had a great ding-dong with a group of girls in Physics which led to me feeling utterly miserable (I hate school, I hate it!) and this fic just wrote itself. It's a one-sided YAMACHI with a character death.
'Pull my coat around me,
Feel the cold wind haunt me,
Streets are empty, just like me,
The murmur of an echo,
Seems to come from every window,
Is loneliness the same as being free?'
It's very late. Plus it's cold and dark. I've been out for hours now, wandering around. I don't even know where I am any more. I haven't seen anyone around. It's like a ghost town out here. I guess all the sensible people would be in bed or watching TV in nice warm houses.
I suppose they must be worrying by now, back at home. Or maybe not. Dad probably hasn't even noticed. He probably doesn't even care even if he has noticed. He's probably hoping that I'll never come back. He won't bother to tell Mum and TK that I've gone. TK might worry if he knew. But maybe not. He's got a life of his own now, doesn't need his big brother trailing after him, not any more. Maybe he never really needed me at all. I never really thought about what TK might want. It was what I needed. For a long time after the divorce, I was empty inside. But knowing - or thinking - that TK needed me stopped me staying empty. I let TK in and then realised that I needed someone. I didn't want to be lonely.
I've always been lonely though. Deep inside, I've always had an empty hollow which TK couldn't fill. In that deep place, I was always empty, lonely.
TK won't be. He's got all of you now. He won't ever be lonely, not like me.
And as for you...
I try to shake that thought away but the tears have already started to fall.
Why did you have to say those things to me Taichi? Why?
I thought I could trust you. I believed in you. And you crushed my hopes.
'I guess I must have been dreaming,
To think that I believed in you at all,
Now I just can't fight it,
As the shadow of the night begins to fall'
It was my fault. How could I ever have expected you to love me back? You're cool and popular. You're a soccer player for God's sake. How could I have expected you to be a faggot like I am?
But why did you have to say it the way you did Tai? Why couldn't you have been kinder?
I knew that you might be scared. I've hidden my feelings for years, never daring to tell you how much I loved you. I always did you know. Right from the Digiworld. I couldn't face up to it then, fought you instead. But we were friends, I knew that. Sometimes I hoped that you could maybe feel more. I tried not to hope. Everyone guessed that you liked Sora, we knew she liked you. I didn't want to lose both your friendships by doing things wrong. And I thought that maybe the feelings would go away. I mean, that happens a lot right? Everyone likes someone of the same sex when they grow up, it's natural. You just have to wait for it to pass.
Only with me, it never did pass.
'Love's got a lot to answer for,
Oh I just can't sleep with this feeling any more,
Let that cold night air cool the heat,
Of two hearts gone to war,
For no matter who wins in the end,
Love's got a lot to answer for'
I knew that it wasn't going to go away when I reached sixteen. I mean, by then it's either gone or you are. Gay I mean. So I knew that I had to face up to it. I liked you and in much, much more than in a friendly way. But I didn't want to tell you. You had a girlfriend at the time anyway. I couldn't compromise your relationship with someone. So I watched you and wanted you but never told you. We remained best friends instead. You told me all your problems and secrets. But I could never truly repay the favour. You could never know my greatest secret. Not without me losing your friendship. And that was something I knew that I could never stand.
We just went on. You had a string of girlfriends but nothing really lasting. If they chucked you, you'd come round and cry on my shoulder. I'd soothe you and hold you and we'd normally end up snuggled up together on the sofa, sharing popcorn and dissing all girls.
God I loved those times.
But there's only so long you can bottle up your feelings. Sooner or later, it gets too hard. You just can't stand it anymore. I'd reached that stage. I knew that I had to tell you.
Besides, we were such close friends. I was sure that you'd never reject me. Maybe you wouldn't love me back, but you'd never reject me...
I decided to tell my father first. It would probably be easier that way. Besides, he was my father, he deserved to know first. So one night, I sat him down and told him that I was gay.
I never thought he'd react the way he did. The look on his face....I knew I'd made a mistake, a terrible mistake. He just got up and left the room. Now any room with me in it is empty. I don't exist anymore. He's got rid of all his photos of me. He acts like he only ever had one son, TK.
I should have learned from my mistake. That my problem was my own, that I was dirty, that I should keep my disgusting secret from other people. But I couldn't. I couldn't. I needed to tell you. I needed somebody more than ever, somebody to really care. So I summoned up my courage, invited you over one night, and blurted out my feelings to you.
I should have known better. I never tell people my feelings. I've always cloaked my feelings in a dark box, imprisoned them where no one could probe them. But I decided to let you in Tai. I decided to let you into my protective veil, see the real me.
I was stupid.
'All I need is darkness,
The best of all protection,
Freedom's like the stars in the sky,
Alone and cold and burning,
Each one keeps it's distance,
If only we were stars, you and I.'
I'm standing on the bridge now. I don't even remember walking here. Was it conscious or was it just the direction my feet took me? It makes sense though. There's nowhere else for me to go. There's a protective rail but that's easy enough to climb over. I scramble over the top and look down, holding on with my fingers. There's solid concrete underneath me. Grey and flat and hard. Looks like how I feel. Blank. With nothing inside anymore.
As soon as I told you, I knew that it was wrong. You turned white, whiter than bones. I was holding your hands, you snatched them away like I was burning you. And then....then you called me names. You called me a queer and a faggot and a freak. You said I was sick and should be locked up. That I should stay away from you.
Why Tai? Even if you couldn't love me back, why did you have to react like that? Couldn't you have tried to accept me, tried to stay friends? I thought I knew you better than that, thought we'd remain friends, even if you couldn't love me. I thought you'd understand that I never meant to fall in love, not with you, not with anyone.
I believed in you Tai.
'Oh I guess I must have been dreaming,
To think that I believed in you at all,
And now I just can't fight it,
As the shadow of the night begins to fall.'
I lean out further over the concrete, gravity dragging at me, making it more difficult for my fingertips to support me. I wonder what's it's like to fly?
I said that nothing would ever come between us again. Couldn't you have made the same vow? Couldn't you have accepted me?
I guess it doesn't matter now does it? We're all the same really aren't we? In death, we're all maggot-eaten and cold. We're all the same. So why worry?
Dawn's breaking. I didn't realise I'd been out so long. No one's missed me I suppose. Maybe no one ever will.
Why couldn't I be normal? Why did I have to be me? I've never been any good. I guess you're right Tai. I am sick. Sick with love and sick inside.
I guess this is the only cure for this illness.
Goodbye Taichi.
I loose my fingertips and drop. The wind whistles through my hair and for a few seconds I'm flying, really flying...
Then I hit the floor. Darkness rushes in and I'm free.
'Love's got a lot to answer for,
Oh I just can't sleep with this feeling anymore,
Let the cold night air cool the heat,
Of two hearts gone to war,
For no matter who wins, in the end,
Love's got a lot to answer for.'
The End.