Author's note: The idea of this story popped into my head when trying to find a way to make a disliked character somewhat likeable. No one really knows what happened in the characters lives prior to the show, but there's one unexplored character held responsible for a lot. It's my goal to make her a bit more understood. Feedback, excluding flames, is appreciated at noahchick6471@hotmail.com
Rating- PG-13 for some mature subjects and language
It never occurred to anyone that I had loved
her. What, with the way Roger shut out the world, all they could
do was worry about him. They thought my refusal to stop tending to
his every need was because I wanted to make sure he stayed alive, didn't
go the same way in the same desperation. I was worried about him,
but I was just as upset as well. April's death shook me. April
shook me. I loved her.
It started out as a simple crush. I
used to see her in the Life Café with her friends, her dark curls
falling down her back, the most gorgeous, shocking green eyes I'd ever
seen and a smile that squeezed my heart. She was alone sometimes
too, just sitting and drawing, looking completely relaxed. I wanted
that ease, I wanted to be able to pour my art out of my soul the way I
so often witnessed her doing. I found myself staring all too often,
and sometimes she would catch me. She'd smile that wonderful smile,
stir her tea and turn away. I could tell just by looking at her that
I wanted to know her, I wanted to know what she drew, where she was from,
what shampoo she used.
But, I'm shy. I never said anything
to her except the occasional hello on the way out the door. She was
only a faraway fantasy for me, someone who probably would have been more
if I had given myself the chance. I'm still too afraid of rejection
to be the first to ask someone out. I worry about whether a girl
will think I'm good enough. Plainly put, I'm a geek. I'm definitely
not the most good-looking guy in the world and I don't have a real job.
If I were a girl, I wouldn't want to date me.
The night Roger brought her home, I was pretty
surprised. She didn't seem like his type at all. She wore knit
sweaters in autumn colors, khaki pants, barrettes in her hair. His
type were the dyed blonds with tight pants and skanky tops. While
Roger shot up, I couldn't believe that April did. I was grateful
the night I walked in on one of their arguments.
"Baby," Roger was saying. "It's only
a little bit. It barely makes a difference."
"It makes a big difference! You are
not the man I love when you're high! I don't want to live constantly
worrying about what you're going to do because you're not in your right
mind. I don't want to worry about you getting busted, and I don't
want to deal with the chance of getting SICK because you aren't careful!"
April exclaimed. She was as against his using as I was, and it made
me hopeful. Maybe with the two of us working together, we could get
him to stop. It never happened. Roger had started using when
we were seniors in high school. We had become friends freshman year
after he sided with me during a slightly nasty incident in the cafeteria
involving his "gang" and my friends from the AV club. I was too attached
and accustomed to our unlikely friendship at that point to risk losing
him, so I never really said anything about it. April gave me the
chance, and though we both threatened him to stop, the threats were empty.
There was something about Roger Davis that made him impossible to leave.
Neither of us wanted to deal with his drug use, but neither of us wanted
to imagine life without him either. Yet we did each time he shot
up. It was quite a circle.
I became pretty good friends with April over
time. We both had worries about Roger, and she was spending a lot
of time in the loft because she wasn't getting along with her roommates.
I didn't mind. She wasn't like any of Roger's other girlfriends,
who would bring their friends with them as well as all their drugs and
stay for days. April's family background was a lot like mine and
we had a lot in common. I couldn't help but wonder what would have
happened if I had acted upon her first. She was a beautiful girl.
The one thing that Roger couldn't see about
April were the changes. He went through so many himself, basically
because of the heroin, that he just wanted her with him. He didn't
want to deal with her problems, he just wanted to know he had this beautiful
girl waiting for him. I couldn't believe she stayed with him for
so long, but when I look back at it now, I think she was too unstable to
leave him. I pressed her to talk, because someone had to, she just
wasn't herself, but she didn't. I'd catch her sitting on the couch
staring into space but once I got her attention, she'd smile and change
the subject. I knew that something was making her unhappy and upset,
and I wished she would talk to me about it. I also knew that if Maureen
wasn't living in the loft at the time, April probably would have talked
to me. She knew Maureen was jealous of the friendship April and I
had, and I think that just added to her problems. She was becoming
insecure and withdrawn, and I hated to think that she was hiding something
that awful from me just because my girlfriend didn't like her. I
still wonder what would have happened if I had broken up with Maureen and
dated April. It scares me to think that it could have been what April
needed, that me simply standing up to Maureen and doing something I so
much wanted to do could have saved April. It's part of the eternal
blame situation.
Even knowing that something was wrong, I still
didn't expect her to come to the loft in tears at two in the morning.
Roger was at a gig in Jersey and wasn't coming home until the next morning.
Maureen and I had had yet another fight and she was spending the night
at one of her friends, dramatically declaring she couldn't live with me
until we had this latest situation settled. Collins was sleeping
and Benny was spending a night uptown with his new girlfriend. I
was still up because I couldn't sleep and I was on the couch reading a
book when she knocked on the door.
"April."
"Mark…" she whispered. She looked at
me, desperation searing through her bright eyes.
"What's the matter?" I asked, motioning for
her to sit. I went into the kitchen and got her a glass of water,
which she took from me with both hands, as if she was going to drop it.
"I'm sorry I'm here so late. I don't
think I can be alone right now," she said.
"That's ok, I'm up anyway. Did something
happen? Did you and Roger have a fight?" April looked at me and smiled
sadly, taking a sip of the water.
"No…nothing like that. It's…it's worse,
actually," she said. I heard the door to Collins' room open and his
bare feet pad across the floor to where we were sitting. He rubbed
his eyes and sat across from me in the armchair.
"What?" I wonder now how she was so
upfront about telling me. It was like she was planning on it, that
it was the reason she came and that she had planned out the entire speech
in her mind. She needed me to know, and her intention that night
was to talk to me because she couldn't deal with it alone anymore.
"Three months ago I was coming home pretty
late from one of Roger's gigs. I don't think you guys were there
that night, Maureen had a protest or something. Roger wanted me to
wait for him to walk home, because it was late, but I didn't want to wait
for him to finish up with the usual post show ritual. So, I left.
I was just walking down the street and the next thing I knew…." She
paused, but she didn't need to say what happened. I knew, just by
that empty moment in time. "I never told anyone because…well, God,
I was ashamed," April whispered, more to herself than to us. Tears
were spilling down her cheeks, but her voice was still calm. "I was
ashamed that it happened to me, that I let it happen to me. I didn't
want to admit it, I just wanted to get the fact that it happened out of
my head as soon as possible, so I told no one. I didn't tell the
police, I didn't tell Roger, I didn't tell my roommates, or my mother or
you or anyone…I just left it in my head to simmer, because I didn't want
to ADMIT it."
"April, how could you do it by yourself?"
I asked, in shock that someone had dared touch her. I was as close
to angry as I get, but remaining calm for her sake.
"I can't. I can't anymore, because I
changed, Mark. I'm not confident anymore, I'm nervous all the time,
I have this constant fear in me. I mean, how do you stand going through
something like that and then make love to your boyfriend the next night?
But I did it, I just pretended everything was fine, nothing was wrong!"
April cried. She was really crying now, her shoulders shaking.
"How do I tell him that some guy completely took advantage of me?
Roger can't even handle his own problems, how can I expect him to handle
mine?" It was the only moment that I was ever truly angry with Roger,
as I watched his girl, who I wanted so much to be mine, fall apart in front
of me. I KNEW that if he wasn't constantly on something, April would
have told him and that would have spared her a lot of pain, confusion and
bottled up emotion. He would have cared and he could have helped
her. There are times when I am still angry with him about he not
being there for her, because she deserved so much better.
"I don't know, April. I can't believe
you waited this long to tell me. We could have helped you, honey,"
I said softly. Collins nodded and turned to her.
"How have you been feeling? Physically,
I mean?" he asked.
"Not too great. My stomach has been
shaky a lot lately, ever since it happened. I think it's nerves.
And I've been really tired, but I think that's because I can't sleep half
the time." Collins turned away and ran his hand over his head.
"What are you thinking?" I asked him.
"I'm thinking she better go to the hospital
tomorrow for some tests. Jesus, April, you are a BRIGHT girl!
How could you completely ignore that this happened, especially in the neighborhood
we live in?" Collins asked her strongly. It was when he said that
that I realized what he was thinking and it scared the shit out of me.
I didn't want to say it, in case April hadn't realized, but it should figure
Collins would think of it.
"I couldn't Collins! Even if I wanted
to, I don't think I could have!" April exclaimed.
"God…I don't even…I don't even
want to THINK about the possibilities here…" Collins said. He got
up from the chair and started pacing back and forth.
"What's wrong with him Mark?" she asked me.
"You'd think he was the one that got raped!"
"HIV, April," I said reluctantly. "That's
what his problem is. The chances…well, there are some."
"AIDS? You really think…" April said.
She laughed slightly and then her face crumbled and I just put my arms
around her, saying nothing. I didn't know what to say. Collins
was pretty close to tears himself. He knew what it was like, finding
out something so life changing. I think the fact that it could be
happening to April broke him open. He cared about her too. "Then
I'm dead. And Roger too."
"Hey, let's not jump to conclusions," I said
gently. "We don't know anything, so lets wait until tomorrow and
see what we can find out."
"I was always so worried about him getting
me sick with those fuckin' needles, now I could have killed both of us!
I should never have let it happen!"
"April, it's not your fault," Collins said
slowly, as if to make sure she understood. "There's nothing you could
have done to prevent it. You were taken advantage of by someone stronger
than you who obviously doesn't give a shit about anyone else. And
even if…even if he did have HIV, your life is far from over." His
voice turned softer and he cleared his throat. "Look at me.
I've had HIV for two years already, and I'm still healthy and I'm still
living a normal life. You can too. But Mark's right, let's
not jump to conclusions."
I didn't even want to think about all the
possible things that could go wrong. I've already said that my relationship
with April started as a crush, and at this point, it was a very strong
friendship. Despite the fact that she hid this from me, I knew it
was because she was afraid. I needed to support her now, because
that's why she told me. We spent the night in the living room.
Collins stayed in the chair, and April and I shared the couch. It
was all Maureen needed to see when she walked in the next morning.
"What's this?" she asked. Collins had
been the only one up, making coffee and toast.
"It's not what you think, Maureen," he said
in a tolerant tone. "April was upset last night and came over here.
If you need to know, I slept in the chair. We didn't want her to
be alone."
"Sure," Maureen said passively. "I come
home and see my boyfriend in bed with another woman,
and I'm supposed to think that's fine. I see."
"Maureen, I am not in the mood for this.
She was upset, we discussed, they fell asleep. If you don't trust
Mark, of all people, maybe you should look into finding someone else.
He loves you, you know he does, and if you loved him you wouldn't worry
about his friendship with April. She needs us right now."
I was always thankful that Collins lived with
me, and missed him whenever he didn't. He was this supreme voice
of reason, logic. He knew what to say and when to say it. He
could make the hard things seem so simple. People listened to him.
The three of us went to the hospital that
morning. We decided to bypass Maureen by telling her we had errands
to run, and she's rarely interested in joining unless there's a stop at
Starbucks, which we said there wasn't time for. Collins had managed
to get a little money in one of his conniving ways, I still don't know
how he did it, just in case we needed to pay for whatever the test included.
In fact, we didn't. County hospitals are subsidized, which we were
very grateful for. The nurse was also very nice, so much so that
April actually told her why she was in need of an HIV test. I think
it helped her to get it out of her system, though she was still very quiet
and nervous.
April stayed withdrawn and quiet until the
day the test results were ready. She hadn't told Roger anything yet,
it was just Collins and I that knew what was going on. I wanted to
go with her just as much as I didn't. The thought that April, perfect,
beautiful April, could be HIV positive…I didn't even want to think about
it. Things like this weren't supposed to happen to people like her.
Yet, they were supposed to happen to people like Collins, who chose to
expose himself to the risks? No. Things like this aren't supposed
to happen to anyone I love, because that means I'll end up losing them.
My greatest fear in life is that I'm going to lose the people I love, lose
my friends and be completely alone. Knowing that Collins was already
sick, and with the way Roger was going, the chances of him getting the
disease were high…it scared me. My two best friends, and then April.
No, it wasn't supposed to happen.
But it did. April tested positive.
I saw the life go right out of her the minute she heard the words.
I trusted Collins when he decided to walk her home by himself. He
knew things I could never fathom, he knew what to say. My only hope
was that they would make a difference to her, that she would believe him
and know that she could keep living.
I think what hurt her most was the guilt.
It wasn't only the fact that she was now sick, but the chances that she
had passed it onto Roger in the past three months was extremely high.
That was exactly what she had said when she found out. "I killed
us". She had begged me not to tell Roger, that she would find a way
to tell him herself, and I knew that wasn't my place. Collins and
I did a lot of reassuring that day, telling April that it wasn't her fault,
and that she couldn't blame herself for passing it onto Roger when he could
have gotten it himself. I didn't even want to explore that subject.
What if the rapist didn't give April HIV, but Roger had? What if
he was that stupid? That irresponsible? I don't think I could
have lived with him. I was already so angry with him. Too many
times I thought that April should be mine, not his. Too many times
I wondered how things could have turned out differently if April had been
mine.
And April couldn't live with herself.
She couldn't live with the fact that she had let someone attack her and
it resulted in not only her contracting a fatal disease, but her boyfriend
too. I was so angry, so upset, so hurt and so confused. I was
angry because I could have kept helping her, I was upset because I loved
her, I was hurt because she didn't trust us to be there and I was confused
because I didn't know why she did it. I was one step up from Roger,
who one day had a beautiful, caring girlfriend and the next day had a dead
girlfriend.
What everyone else never knew is I knew why
Roger shut down. He didn't know what had driven April to kill herself
and he had no clue what the hell the note about AIDS meant. How could
she have given him AIDS? She didn't sleep around, she didn't do drugs.
And then came the shock and guilt that maybe she misled herself into believing
that she had given it to him when in all actuality, he had given it to
her. The fact that she walked home alone that night because she didn't
want to sit and watch him shoot up. And that's what shut him down.
When I look back at it now, I don't blame him. He lost everything
he had in that one minute when he found the note, then her pale body floating
in the blood filled bathtub. He lost his love, he lost his life,
he lost his future.
But I lost a love too. And that's what never occurs to
anybody. That Mark loved April as much as Roger did. That Mark
stayed in that apartment with Roger because Roger was the closest link
to April. That Mark couldn't lose two best friends in one week.
One month. One year. I loved April, and I felt I owed it to
her to stick with Roger. Everything I did in those six months when
he wouldn't leave the loft were for her. As I flushed his stash down
the toilet, refused to buy him cigarettes, didn't allow his dealer to come
into the loft or have contact with him whatsoever, April was foremost on
my mind. Because she wanted this. She wanted him to stop.
I held firm for all the times I backed down. And when he hit me,
or screamed at me for not knowing what he was going through, I only listened
and stayed calm. It was not worth telling him that my heart was torn
in two, that I missed having that bright, cheerful being in the loft.
I hated not having April in my life.
I look at Roger now. He's a product
of his willpower and my stubbornness. He is taking medication to
control his disease and has been relatively healthy since his diagnosis,
three days after April's death. He threw away everything of hers
that he owned in a tantrum at some point during those six months.
I still have pictures, thoughts and memories. He's washed her out
of his life, and washed everything he was while she was with him away with
her. He's dating Mimi, who has a marvelous affect on him. I'm
becoming friends with her, despite the fact that she too is HIV positive.
I watch them take their AZT and I wonder how long they will live, and then
remember that they at least chose to wait it out and see. I know
that at times I had to force Roger to take his pills and there were times
when I had my doubts about whether or not he would make it, but he's still
here. She isn't. I don't hate April for leaving us or for giving
up. I could never hate her. But there are so many times when
I know she would love to be with us, especially now that Roger's clean.
I miss her. I miss everything about her. I loved her.