Disclaimer: It's all Tamora Pierce's 'cept for the plot...which I *think* is mine...
~~~~~
Jonathan of Conte sighed and looked around the room at the weary and worried group.
"It's late Jon . . . maybe we should just go to bed," Numair said, recovered from his talk with Alanna. "You know . . . get back to this tomorrow?" He inspected a finger, picking out a smudge of dirt from under the nail. "And keep this a secret from everyone else. If anyone asks, they're sick. If something like this were to get out . . . "
"There'd be chaos." Wyldon's voice was flat. "Total, complete chaos. The conservatives screaming foul . . . " his voice faltered, and he cleared his throat. "All their friends will know; Nealan and Keladry's. They'll check their rooms -- Keladry has a maid." He gazed at the others, hoping they might have a plan.
Duke Baird considered something. "Well, I could say that the three of them are very sick, and they're in the infirmary. I could say they're so sick they can't have visitors." A questioning glance was passed around the room, and replied to with nods. "Alright then."
The entire group -- Daine, King Jonathan, Duke Baird, Lord Wyldon, and Numair -- gazed at one another. Between them was passed the understanding that, any inkling of what had passed in this room; all that had been discussed here, was to be kept a secret from everyone.
One by one, they filed out and headed back to bed, their dreams more troubled than before.
~~~~~
George gave them a once over, then stepped back to admit them. He didn't meet their eyes.
Thom, in an effort to forget about Keladry, bounced inside and asked his father curiously, "Did you and Ma have a fight?"
"No!" the two in question shouted.
Everyone was quiet for a moment, trying to mind their own business. Kel studied the maps once again, enjoying going over the battle strategies they represented. One of them, she swore she recognized from the strategy and tactics class. She became so caught up in the drawings and playing out the strategies in her head, searching for faults, that the tension in the room was tuned out.
Neal nudged her from behind. "What are you thinking?" he murmured into her ear.
She turned partway to catch sight of him. "Nothing," she said, knowing he wouldn't believe her and not wanting to tell him. He was being annoying. And he was telling Thom everything about her, which she did not appreciate. A girl had to have some secrets, and plus Thom was the Lioness' son. He didn't need to know about all her embarrassing moments, or her proud ones either for that matter. He didn't need to know anything. They'd leave tomorrow without ever having gotten to know each other, and neither would know the difference. She mentally sighed -- she was still used to hiding her feelings. Who was she kidding? They weren't going to leave tomorrow. The Lioness was going to keep her father here until she felt he was better.
Alanna turned around, and crossed her arms over her chest. Goddess above, this was going to be awkward. Turning back around, she eyed the two squires and realized that they had on their formal attire . . . and didn't have any other clothes with them. And she didn't know how long their stay would be. Definitely long enough for them to need a change of clothes though. She sighed. Lovely, another problem.
George glanced at Alanna and sighed. She'd worry herself crazy over this, especially since she couldn't speak to the girl, Keladry, to ask if she needed anything. Of course, sometimes she could go through him, but it wouldn't always be an option -- like in cases where Keladry was right there in front of them. And he knew that she could only hold out so long. She was just bursting to say something to Keladry, and eventually she would.
Myles discreetly whispered to George, "Look at Alanna -- she'll drive herself out of her mind. And see the way she's staring at Kel -- that hungriness?" He shook his head, as the two of them regarded her, worried. She was looking at Kel -- who didn't notice because she was still looking over the maps, but probably would have been either thrilled or terrified had she known -- and looking mad. And upset. They could almost read her mind, and it wasn't good thoughts running through it. They were more along the lines of "I don't give a damn Stormwing's ass what Jonathan says . . . I want to meet her for real." They could see her internal struggle with herself, and sensed that it would soon be lost if something wasn't done.
Myles, being the one to have a sudden burst of inspiration, announced, "I have an idea." His voice shook Kel out of her thoughts of battles and strategies. She regarded him calmly by all outside measures, but inside she was crying to go back to her thoughts, back to where she was safe and didn't have to face the hurt of not being recognized by Lady Alanna, and the strangeness of the way Thom made her feel. Myles continued, "Since we might be here for a bit, why don't you give us a tour of Pirate's Swoop?" His eyes locked with Thom's. "What do you think?"
Thom caught on quickly, and agreed.
Alanna sighed and murmured, "Clothes." To her husband, who could be rather dense sometimes. He nodded, realizing he should have thought of that before. "And we should probably get you two some clothes as well," he told them, and then, eyeing Kel, added, "Though I don't have any idea in the slightest where we're going to find any clothes for you, lass."
She blushed, and mumbled something, making Neal laugh.
"What was that?" George asked Kel curiously.
She didn't answer and Neal knew she wouldn't so he did it for her. "She said that Lalasa -- that's her maid -- says that all the time." He grinned. "And it's true too. She's always yelling at Kel for tearing up her clothes, saying that there's not enough fabric in this realm to make her any more."
Kel blushed even harder. "I can't help it if I'm tall," she muttered.
Thom wholeheartedly agreed. "I hate being tall," he said. "It's the worst."
"I say being short is worse," Alanna commented from the opposite side of the room.
"No it's not," Thom argued. "When you're tall everyone always thinks you look down on them!"
Neal whispered in Kel's ear, amused, "Maybe because you do." She smiled.
"When you're short, people think everything about you is small!" retorted Alanna.
To the others it soon became clear that this was an age-old debate between the two of them. George and Myles also noted that Alanna was not truly distracted by talking to Thom. Her mind was still whirring about Keladry. Suddenly Alanna snapped her fingers and cried, violet eyes triumphant, "Carina!"
"Huh?" asked Thom, dumbly. "What's that got to do with anything?"
"Carina has got all sorts of clothes lying around. There's got to be something that will fit," Alanna explained, excited. She'd offer to fetch the clothes and then she would be able to walk with the children for a bit, because she knew Thom would take them to the outer walls first -- it was his favorite place -- and Carina's room's were beyond there.
Thom nodded, both understanding and agreeing. "All right," he said. "I'll take them on a bit of a tour, then, and stop by Carina's afterwards."
Alanna shook her head. "I'll drop in on Carina, Thom. Don't worry about it."
He shrugged and made no argument. He knew full well that she wanted to see more of Keladry, but wasn't about to point out the foolishness in that right in front of the girl he was speaking about.
George, though, not exactly trusting his wife's self control, glanced at Myles and said, "How about we join you -- leave the younglings to their talk then, and us to ours." There was a hint of warning in his voice that only Alanna detected. Wanting to scowl and tell him she needed no looking after, she only agreed. "That sounds like a wonderful idea," she forced herself to say.
George nodded briskly and opened the door. "Lead the way," he told Thom, who exited followed by the others shortly afterwards.
Alanna had been correct; Thom did take them straight to the outer walls. As it became apparent to the others where they were headed, Myles stepped a bit quicker to catch up to Kel and pull her aside. "Are you going o be all right up there?" he whispered, eyes worried and searching for honesty. She nodded. "I just won't look down." His eyes held hers for a moment, then, satisfied, he released her and returned to Alanna and George who questioned him. He only shrugged, providing insufficient answers.
Kel got the same treatment from Thom and Neal, but she told Neal what Myles had asked about -- she was too nervous to tell Thom; he made her jumpy. How ridiculous, she thought, I'm making speculations based up on less than an hour spent with him! But she had to admit that, so far at least, they were true.
When they entered into the night, Kel raised her eyes to the star-splattered sky. She picked out a few constellations -- The Goddess' Cat, Yama, and The Shield Of Justice -- and shivered in the night chill. Banquet attire was definitely not meant for cool weather.
Excited, Thom drew them all over to the edge and leaned forward, bracing himself on the cool, gritty stone. Something strange caught his eyes, and he leaned closer. Was that a light? He poked Kel and asked, "Hey -- d'you see that? That light there?"
Without looking -- she instinctively knew the height was great enough to reduce her to a babbling, white-faced, wimp -- she answered, "No."
He turned to meet her eyes. "You didn't even look!" he accused, loud enough to call the attention of the adults a few feet away.
Wondering if there was any easy way out of this, Kel quietly said, "I don't like heights. And they don't like me."
"Oh." Was all Thom said, before turning back to study the flickering light far below. I shouldn't have said anything, he berated himself. Now she's embarrassed.
Kel had held her breath, fearing ridicule, and let it out slowly, relieved at receiving none. Myles sent her an encouraging look and winked. Neal turned so his back faced the stone, and put out his elbows to lean backwards onto. "It's a beautiful night," he commented, attempting to change the subject from Kel's fear of heights to a more benign topic. Everyone seemed in agreement until Kel said softly, "It's going to rain." She gestured at the underlying dark clouds. Neal looked and grinned, remembering something. "Remember that time during the summer training that it was raining horribly and Lord Wyldon was screaming at everyone who complained?" Kel nodded, hoping he wouldn't continue the tale. She'd told their training master, in no uncertain terms, that she wouldn't be one of the complainers. He'd been rather put off by her bluntness, but he was satisfied with her answer. Neal told her later that he thought that, secretly, Wyldon had been impressed with her knowledge. But regardless, she didn't want him to tell all of them. He made it sound like bragging whenever he talked about her, and Kel couldn't stand bragging, even if he was probably just trying to make her look good in front of Sir Alanna.
He must have read her expression, because he didn't elaborate, only chuckled softly. "That was funny."
She didn't say anything, just continued to regard the night sky and the brewing storm.
Thom opened his mouth to ask Neal for more details, then snapped it shut. I must be crazy, he thought. I can't get close to her, no matter how much I want to. I can't.
They spent a few minutes outside, enjoying the beauty and mystery of the night, and Thom soon forgot that strange light in his eagerness to continue the tour.
They headed back inside, and Thom directed them toward a staircase leading downwards. "This is the way to the dining hall," he informed them as they started down it. He noticed Kel stared at the ground while she descended the stairs. Wondering why, he asked her.
"I don't like heights," she replied, patiently.
"It's only a few feet off the ground!" protested Thom, not understanding why she couldn't just walk down the steps normally.
Kel didn't say anything -- she didn't have the chance. When Thom opened his mouth again to continue his argument, Neal exploded on him. "Just leave her alone, can't you?! She doesn't like heights and that's that! You wouldn't either if your brother held you off of a tower when you were four!"
Kel sighed as Thom and his parents turned to stare at her. Myles didn't seem perturbed, having already been informed of this fact.
Neal glanced away, and muttered, "Sorry Kel." He felt bad now. He shouldn't have blown up like that . . . but Kel had every right to be afraid of heights, and after the hard time she got from Lord Wyldon, he didn't think she deserved it from anyone else.
"Your brother held you off a tower?" George asked, incredulous. If this was the girl's family . . . what were her enemies like?
Kel nodded.
"Why?" Thom was utterly shocked by this news. He made a mental note never to question her fear of heights again.
"I don't remember anymore." Kel studied her fingers. "I was annoying him for some reason."
Thom bit his lip. Poor Keladry . . . that wasn't fair at all that she should have to go through that. And it wasn't just one experience either! It would probably stay with her until she died -- even if she was able to overcome it somewhat, it would always affect her in some way. "I'm sorry," he started to say, but Kel cut him off.
"No," she said firmly.
"What?" he asked her, confused. He'd thought he was being nice. He'd wanted to be nice.
She shook her head. "Don't be sorry. The last thing I want is for you to be sorry for me." She didn't elaborate, and Thom really didn't expect her to at this point. She was awfully quiet -- he supposed it intimidated her, the thought of saying something silly in front of his mother. So he only nodded.
Kel glanced away, and waited for them to forget her outburst -- or at least to put it behind them. She didn't have to look to know they were looking at her strangely, and she didn't want to. It hurt, the way people always looked at her like she was some kind of a freak if they found out why she was so terrified of heights. And that wasn't the only reason people looked at her that way. Her own mother had given her that very same look when she'd announced her plan to become a knight. Of course, she'd warmed up to it once she realized Kel really did want to be a knight and didn't just think she'd never find a husband, but still. And all the people at the banquets . . . the ladies with their powdered cheeks and reddened lips, complete with golden jewelry and upswept hair, they looked at her that way sometimes, too. And even the King had looked at her like that -- oh he hadn't known she was watching, of course, but she had been . . . and she'd seen. And now Alanna the Lioness was looking at her like she was different and wrong. It hurt, even more so than the court ladies and the King. This was the Lioness.
Neal felt like an idiot. The way everyone was staring at his best friend was certainly painful to her. She never mentioned it, but the banquets always depressed her. Now that anyone could tell just by looking that she was a girl, there was no need for Joren and his cronies to step in; ladies, knights, and scholars alike would randomly ambush her and berate her lack of modesty. Of course there were the ones who came only to wish her well and mention their envy, but those were few and far between. And here he was, her best friend, going and making her miserable. I'm a lousy excuse for a best friend, he thought, hating himself at the moment and knowing he had to find some way to make it up to her.
Finally, Alanna cleared her throat. "Let's . . . Maybe we should keep going, unless we want to be out here all night?" She carefully nudged George, making sure the children couldn't see her, and he glanced at her questioningly. She dipped her head towards Keladry -- though it could just have easily been Thom, she told herself, attempting to convince herself that she could resist temptation -- and whispered, "We have to do something. This is getting more awkward by the moment."
Casually he sauntered over to Keladry, Nealan, and his son. He rested one hand lightly on Neal's shoulder and the other on Kel's. He felt her tense up beneath his hand and wondered for a short moment why she was so quiet, so timid. She gave the impression that she was an egg -- a hard shell outside and a quivering gel on the inside. Only, he thought ironically, maybe it's not jelly that's on the inside of her -- maybe it's solid steel; impenetrable. She hasn't exactly given any of us a chance to peek inside.
"My dear wife is correct. Even a short tour of this place would take ages -- it's a maze of secret passages, dead ends, and scattered rooms. Absolutely impossible to clean -- though that comes from a few friends of mine, not from personal experience. It's a nightmare." His voice was filled with a fondness, though his words didn't speak true to it. This place is his home, Kel realized. The place he always wants to be when he's away and the one steady rock in an avalanche of brokenness -- friendships, hearts, treaties, and promises -- for him to come back to every time. She wondered if it was hard for the Lioness to leave; this was her home too, and she seemed to love it just as much. If nothing else, she obviously loved her family. I wonder if I'll be able to do it, she thought, leave like she does. Knowing she might never come back.
George smiled now, a rouge-ish smile. He gave Kel's shoulder an affectionate squeeze and said, "So how about we get started on that tour of ours, hm? How does that sound Keladry? Nealan?"
He was actually asking for their opinions! Few adult nobles would have thought to even give the two a second glance, let alone ask how they felt.
Neal managed to get over his shock, and cheerfully said, "Sure, sounds wonderful. What d'you say, Crazy Girl?" He grinned at Kel, who smiled. "Yeah, sure."
"Crazy Girl?" Thom asked, eyes darting between the two. "Is that some sort of an inside joke between the two of you or something?"
Neal laughed. "No, not really. But she is crazy, and she is a girl." He rested an elbow on Kel's shoulder. "Right?"
"Exactly," she muttered, "that's me." She wasn't resentful, as her words might portray, though her lack of emotion gave the others the uneasy sense that she was. Actually, Kel was joking with Neal, in her own way. Neal, of course, understood that, but George looked upon her, worried. "Crazy isn't always a bad thing . . . "
She met his eyes. "Neal's convinced the entire palace is insane, Baron. I'm just one of luckier ones -- I get to be nuttier than most."
Both Neal and Myles began to laugh. To the other's questioning looks, Neal gasped, "Look -- you just didn't catch it -- that was a joke. She's not upset in the least."
Thom turned to her, disbelieving. "You were kidding?" he asked, suspiciously. It hadn't sounded like joking to him.
"Yes." Kel's hazel eyes locked with his, and he raised an eyebrow. "You are a strange, strange girl . . . "
Neal elbowed her. "Hey look Kel -- you got a complement!" She grinned -- Thom was just now realizing that Neal was to only one to get any mentionable reaction out of her. Myles could make her smile, but only Neal could make her grin -- and what a grin it was! Of course, on the downside, he could also make her stomp her foot, and comfort her when she was hurting. Why do I care about that, though? he wondered, Why do I care if she turns to him for caring, instead of m -- horrified, his mind froze. Instead of me. Gods I am in way over my head, he moaned within his mind.
Neal slung an arm over Kel's shoulder, and said, "Do I look any more yellow? I'm worried that it might be progressing into its later stages."
Thom fought back a raging storm of black jealousy that rose when Neal encircled her with his arm. And why -- she wasn't his lover; they weren't courting.
Entirely straight-faced, Kel said, "I do believe you've almost become Princess Flower." Then the two grinned at each other. Thom shook his head, not bothering to ask. Keladry didn't seem to like it -- where that intuition had come from, he had no idea. He hardly knew her and what's more, her face was forever a mask. But somehow he sensed that she did not like his prying. And that made it hurt all the more.
They turned down a long corridor and the two squires began a whispered discussion of various things, such as their impending punishment, what they thought of Pirate's Swoop, and Kel's impression of the Lioness. All were tender topics among their current group, and so they kept the volume low and an eye out for any stray ears.
Finally Thom could stand it no more. Neal acted like they were married, the way he was constantly touching her, the way he smiled at her. Maybe that was overreacting a bit, but not too much. He spun around and asked, "Are you two a couple or something?"
Unsure of his own motives for demanding that of them, he wondered if maybe he'd wanted to hurt them. But that didn't seem likely; Kel was nice -- why would he want to hurt her? Whatever his reasons for asking, when they gazed upon him, horrified, he knew he felt a sense of relief.
Neal looked disgusted. "No way!"
"Of course not!"
They made it seem like it was the most obvious thing, but the others had been wondering. George even voiced his original thoughts on the matter. "I wasn't entirely sure if you two were together or not," he admitted.
"Together!" screeched Neal. "That would be like . . . Like kissing my sister or something!"
Kel shuddered at the thought, while adding her own two coppers. "Or one of my brothers."
Neal shook his head. "What on earth gave you that idea?" he questioned Thom.
"Well -- the two of you are kind of flirting with each other," he said, while Myles smirked.
"Oh." Neal glanced at Kel, and she shook her head. "I agree with you," he murmured.
They were able to reach the end of the hallway (it was quite lengthy) without any further trouble. Thom sighed. This really was awkward.
Finally, just to break the silence, Thom turned to Kel and asked, "So, you have any romantic interests, then?" The instant the words left his mouth, hey mentally slapped himself. I don't care if she does, he told himself. I don't. But he'd always been a bad liar, even to himself.
Kel's eyes widened, like she'd suddenly found herself before a charging army with no notion of how she'd gotten there. "Wh -- what?" she asked, stuttering. Did he, perhaps, care a little? Did he care if she had any "romantic interests"? Kel found herself hoping that he did.
"Do you have any romantic interests?" he repeated. There was nothing he could do about it now; the damage was done. Hopefully she wouldn't hate him for life.
"N -- no . . . " she said, breathily. Goddess, why was she so nervous? It was just one simple question! She thanked the Yamanis for their indirect help in this matter -- it was difficult enough for her to make her lie believable when she was flustered, right now. It would have been near impossible, had she not been skilled at it.
About to ask why not, he caught himself. Without saying a word, he jogged ahead so he didn't have to look into those eyes of hers. They held questions . . . many of them. And Thom didn't want to answer.
Neal's eyes followed Thom's retreating form, thoughtfully. Going through an internal struggle with himself, he finally said to Kel, "He's flirting with you."
Kel jumped. Of course, she'd known it all along, but did Neal have to mention it? "So?" she snapped, hoping to diffuse this particular conversation quickly. But Neal would have none of it. He tilted her stubborn chin up, and said, "So why don't you flirt back?"
She shoved away from him and whirled around, following Thom, but being sure to stay behind him. Goddess curse him! Mithros damn him! He -- he didn't understand, did he? She couldn't just flirt back. She couldn't. Not only was it stupid to start to like someone that she'd never see again, she wasn't used to be treated like this. Sure Cleon always teased her, but that was just teasing. Nothing meaningful. And the others didn't really think of her as a girl, even at those times when they were flirting with her. She was uncomfortable with these new feelings. Sure she'd felt something for Neal -- I'm thinking in the past tense now? she asked herself. And then she realized that, yes, she was. She didn't feel the same way about Neal anymore. In a matter of hours, this Thom character had turned her life upside down. It was alien to her, the kind of flirting Thom practiced. He didn't treat her like one of the court ladies as Cleon did when he played. He treated her like she was smart -- like she knew things. And he was just as interested -- if not more interested -- in what she had to say about herself as what he had to say. And it made her feel uncomfortable, strangely enough. Why should it though? Why didn't it make her feel happy -- joyful that someone had finally seen that she was a girl too, and had feelings. She'd been wishing for it for a long time. And now that it had finally happened . . . well, frankly, it scared her. She could find a million reasons why she should hold back. That was reason speaking -- reasonable Kel, that's who she was. But sometimes she just got so frustrated with that! Sometimes she just wanted to do something because it felt right. This felt right.
Myles of Olau watched Kel push Neal and stomp off. "What was that about?" he called quietly, from behind. Whatever exchange had passed between the two a moment ago, it had certainly upset Kel a lot, for her to act that way. "That's very unlike her, to act so upset. Very unlike her." His eyes encouraged Neal to tell him what had happened: he was worried about Kel.
Neal grinned and joined Myles, the Baron, and the Baroness. "Oh it was no big deal -- I just told her Thom was flirting with her. She said, "So?" And I told her she should flirt with him." His grin widened. "She didn't like the idea too much."
"He is flirting with her," Alanna agreed, quietly. "I imagine it must make her pretty uncomfortable."
Neal shrugged. "Back home -- lots of people flirt with her. She denies it, though, and insists they're only fooling around. But she knows they really are flirting. So she's used to it."
Alanna didn't look too convinced, so Neal elaborated -- after making sure Kel wasn't within earshot. "She could use some love in her life. She's too serious, and grounded." He shook his head. "No one at the palace would do -- even when they flirt with her, they still forget she's a girl. Though it can be a little difficult to keep that in mind when she's whacking you around. She needs this." Neal shook out his shaggy hair. "And more importantly, she wants it -- though she'd never admit it."
Kel had turned around and stomped back to give Neal a piece of her mind, or make up -- she wasn't sure which -- and heard his little discussion. I don't care if you're right about some of those things, Neal, she thought bitterly. It doesn't give you the right to tell people without my consent. Crossing her arms over her chest, she quietly said, "What she wants is for you to stop meddling in her personal life."
Neal turned around. "Oh, you mean like your parents are doing?" The adults watched, holding their breaths, as a hundred different emotions clashed in Kel's eyes -- though her face remained the same. Expressionless. Finally, hurt seemed to win over, and she turned around without a sound. No use letting him know he'd won -- that he'd succeeded in upsetting her, if that was what he wanted.
Neal sighed. "Yeah. That's what I thought," he muttered. Sir Myles sent him a questioning glance, and Neal shook his head. "Now isn't the time for such talks as to why I brought up Kel's parents, Sir. Now -- " he glanced at Kel, up ahead " -- Now is the time for me to go take my chances with her. In other words, make up," he explained to the confusion of Alanna and George.
As Neal left them, George said, "I don't know if he's right about this."
"Kel won't go along with it if she doesn't want to," Myles said. "She can take care of herself." But can she take care of her heart, he wondered. Neal, for all he was doing, wasn't putting any thought into what could happen; how they could get hurt. He hoped, for their sake, that at least one of them did, and soon.
Neal caught up with Kel and grabbed her arm, spinning her towards him. She yanked her arm out of his hold. There was no hatred in her eyes, no anger -- not even a deep hurt. Any of these, Neal had expected to see. Instead he saw . . . nothing. Absolutely nothing in her eyes. Normally the window to her feelings, even if her face was as blank as a chalkboard wiped clean, they were empty.
He swallowed, hard. Maybe he'd hurt her worse than he thought. Reaching out a hand, he brushed her hair away from her face. "I'm sorry," he said softly. I didn't mean to hurt you. Not the way I did. I only wanted to prove a point -- that you can't stand alone all the time. Sometimes you need to lean on someone else." He hadn't looked at her once during his miniature speech. Now he looked into her eyes once more, to find out if he'd affected her.
"But I don't like to rely on other people," Kel whispered.
"I know," he told her gently. "You'd rather face the worst fate on your own; rather save everyone by yourself. But that's going to get awfully lonely, Kel."
~~~~~
A/N: Aw...and ain't that the truth? See? Neal really does care about her....heehee. Please review....*gets down on hands and knees and begs*
~Dani
~~~~~
Jonathan of Conte sighed and looked around the room at the weary and worried group.
"It's late Jon . . . maybe we should just go to bed," Numair said, recovered from his talk with Alanna. "You know . . . get back to this tomorrow?" He inspected a finger, picking out a smudge of dirt from under the nail. "And keep this a secret from everyone else. If anyone asks, they're sick. If something like this were to get out . . . "
"There'd be chaos." Wyldon's voice was flat. "Total, complete chaos. The conservatives screaming foul . . . " his voice faltered, and he cleared his throat. "All their friends will know; Nealan and Keladry's. They'll check their rooms -- Keladry has a maid." He gazed at the others, hoping they might have a plan.
Duke Baird considered something. "Well, I could say that the three of them are very sick, and they're in the infirmary. I could say they're so sick they can't have visitors." A questioning glance was passed around the room, and replied to with nods. "Alright then."
The entire group -- Daine, King Jonathan, Duke Baird, Lord Wyldon, and Numair -- gazed at one another. Between them was passed the understanding that, any inkling of what had passed in this room; all that had been discussed here, was to be kept a secret from everyone.
One by one, they filed out and headed back to bed, their dreams more troubled than before.
~~~~~
George gave them a once over, then stepped back to admit them. He didn't meet their eyes.
Thom, in an effort to forget about Keladry, bounced inside and asked his father curiously, "Did you and Ma have a fight?"
"No!" the two in question shouted.
Everyone was quiet for a moment, trying to mind their own business. Kel studied the maps once again, enjoying going over the battle strategies they represented. One of them, she swore she recognized from the strategy and tactics class. She became so caught up in the drawings and playing out the strategies in her head, searching for faults, that the tension in the room was tuned out.
Neal nudged her from behind. "What are you thinking?" he murmured into her ear.
She turned partway to catch sight of him. "Nothing," she said, knowing he wouldn't believe her and not wanting to tell him. He was being annoying. And he was telling Thom everything about her, which she did not appreciate. A girl had to have some secrets, and plus Thom was the Lioness' son. He didn't need to know about all her embarrassing moments, or her proud ones either for that matter. He didn't need to know anything. They'd leave tomorrow without ever having gotten to know each other, and neither would know the difference. She mentally sighed -- she was still used to hiding her feelings. Who was she kidding? They weren't going to leave tomorrow. The Lioness was going to keep her father here until she felt he was better.
Alanna turned around, and crossed her arms over her chest. Goddess above, this was going to be awkward. Turning back around, she eyed the two squires and realized that they had on their formal attire . . . and didn't have any other clothes with them. And she didn't know how long their stay would be. Definitely long enough for them to need a change of clothes though. She sighed. Lovely, another problem.
George glanced at Alanna and sighed. She'd worry herself crazy over this, especially since she couldn't speak to the girl, Keladry, to ask if she needed anything. Of course, sometimes she could go through him, but it wouldn't always be an option -- like in cases where Keladry was right there in front of them. And he knew that she could only hold out so long. She was just bursting to say something to Keladry, and eventually she would.
Myles discreetly whispered to George, "Look at Alanna -- she'll drive herself out of her mind. And see the way she's staring at Kel -- that hungriness?" He shook his head, as the two of them regarded her, worried. She was looking at Kel -- who didn't notice because she was still looking over the maps, but probably would have been either thrilled or terrified had she known -- and looking mad. And upset. They could almost read her mind, and it wasn't good thoughts running through it. They were more along the lines of "I don't give a damn Stormwing's ass what Jonathan says . . . I want to meet her for real." They could see her internal struggle with herself, and sensed that it would soon be lost if something wasn't done.
Myles, being the one to have a sudden burst of inspiration, announced, "I have an idea." His voice shook Kel out of her thoughts of battles and strategies. She regarded him calmly by all outside measures, but inside she was crying to go back to her thoughts, back to where she was safe and didn't have to face the hurt of not being recognized by Lady Alanna, and the strangeness of the way Thom made her feel. Myles continued, "Since we might be here for a bit, why don't you give us a tour of Pirate's Swoop?" His eyes locked with Thom's. "What do you think?"
Thom caught on quickly, and agreed.
Alanna sighed and murmured, "Clothes." To her husband, who could be rather dense sometimes. He nodded, realizing he should have thought of that before. "And we should probably get you two some clothes as well," he told them, and then, eyeing Kel, added, "Though I don't have any idea in the slightest where we're going to find any clothes for you, lass."
She blushed, and mumbled something, making Neal laugh.
"What was that?" George asked Kel curiously.
She didn't answer and Neal knew she wouldn't so he did it for her. "She said that Lalasa -- that's her maid -- says that all the time." He grinned. "And it's true too. She's always yelling at Kel for tearing up her clothes, saying that there's not enough fabric in this realm to make her any more."
Kel blushed even harder. "I can't help it if I'm tall," she muttered.
Thom wholeheartedly agreed. "I hate being tall," he said. "It's the worst."
"I say being short is worse," Alanna commented from the opposite side of the room.
"No it's not," Thom argued. "When you're tall everyone always thinks you look down on them!"
Neal whispered in Kel's ear, amused, "Maybe because you do." She smiled.
"When you're short, people think everything about you is small!" retorted Alanna.
To the others it soon became clear that this was an age-old debate between the two of them. George and Myles also noted that Alanna was not truly distracted by talking to Thom. Her mind was still whirring about Keladry. Suddenly Alanna snapped her fingers and cried, violet eyes triumphant, "Carina!"
"Huh?" asked Thom, dumbly. "What's that got to do with anything?"
"Carina has got all sorts of clothes lying around. There's got to be something that will fit," Alanna explained, excited. She'd offer to fetch the clothes and then she would be able to walk with the children for a bit, because she knew Thom would take them to the outer walls first -- it was his favorite place -- and Carina's room's were beyond there.
Thom nodded, both understanding and agreeing. "All right," he said. "I'll take them on a bit of a tour, then, and stop by Carina's afterwards."
Alanna shook her head. "I'll drop in on Carina, Thom. Don't worry about it."
He shrugged and made no argument. He knew full well that she wanted to see more of Keladry, but wasn't about to point out the foolishness in that right in front of the girl he was speaking about.
George, though, not exactly trusting his wife's self control, glanced at Myles and said, "How about we join you -- leave the younglings to their talk then, and us to ours." There was a hint of warning in his voice that only Alanna detected. Wanting to scowl and tell him she needed no looking after, she only agreed. "That sounds like a wonderful idea," she forced herself to say.
George nodded briskly and opened the door. "Lead the way," he told Thom, who exited followed by the others shortly afterwards.
Alanna had been correct; Thom did take them straight to the outer walls. As it became apparent to the others where they were headed, Myles stepped a bit quicker to catch up to Kel and pull her aside. "Are you going o be all right up there?" he whispered, eyes worried and searching for honesty. She nodded. "I just won't look down." His eyes held hers for a moment, then, satisfied, he released her and returned to Alanna and George who questioned him. He only shrugged, providing insufficient answers.
Kel got the same treatment from Thom and Neal, but she told Neal what Myles had asked about -- she was too nervous to tell Thom; he made her jumpy. How ridiculous, she thought, I'm making speculations based up on less than an hour spent with him! But she had to admit that, so far at least, they were true.
When they entered into the night, Kel raised her eyes to the star-splattered sky. She picked out a few constellations -- The Goddess' Cat, Yama, and The Shield Of Justice -- and shivered in the night chill. Banquet attire was definitely not meant for cool weather.
Excited, Thom drew them all over to the edge and leaned forward, bracing himself on the cool, gritty stone. Something strange caught his eyes, and he leaned closer. Was that a light? He poked Kel and asked, "Hey -- d'you see that? That light there?"
Without looking -- she instinctively knew the height was great enough to reduce her to a babbling, white-faced, wimp -- she answered, "No."
He turned to meet her eyes. "You didn't even look!" he accused, loud enough to call the attention of the adults a few feet away.
Wondering if there was any easy way out of this, Kel quietly said, "I don't like heights. And they don't like me."
"Oh." Was all Thom said, before turning back to study the flickering light far below. I shouldn't have said anything, he berated himself. Now she's embarrassed.
Kel had held her breath, fearing ridicule, and let it out slowly, relieved at receiving none. Myles sent her an encouraging look and winked. Neal turned so his back faced the stone, and put out his elbows to lean backwards onto. "It's a beautiful night," he commented, attempting to change the subject from Kel's fear of heights to a more benign topic. Everyone seemed in agreement until Kel said softly, "It's going to rain." She gestured at the underlying dark clouds. Neal looked and grinned, remembering something. "Remember that time during the summer training that it was raining horribly and Lord Wyldon was screaming at everyone who complained?" Kel nodded, hoping he wouldn't continue the tale. She'd told their training master, in no uncertain terms, that she wouldn't be one of the complainers. He'd been rather put off by her bluntness, but he was satisfied with her answer. Neal told her later that he thought that, secretly, Wyldon had been impressed with her knowledge. But regardless, she didn't want him to tell all of them. He made it sound like bragging whenever he talked about her, and Kel couldn't stand bragging, even if he was probably just trying to make her look good in front of Sir Alanna.
He must have read her expression, because he didn't elaborate, only chuckled softly. "That was funny."
She didn't say anything, just continued to regard the night sky and the brewing storm.
Thom opened his mouth to ask Neal for more details, then snapped it shut. I must be crazy, he thought. I can't get close to her, no matter how much I want to. I can't.
They spent a few minutes outside, enjoying the beauty and mystery of the night, and Thom soon forgot that strange light in his eagerness to continue the tour.
They headed back inside, and Thom directed them toward a staircase leading downwards. "This is the way to the dining hall," he informed them as they started down it. He noticed Kel stared at the ground while she descended the stairs. Wondering why, he asked her.
"I don't like heights," she replied, patiently.
"It's only a few feet off the ground!" protested Thom, not understanding why she couldn't just walk down the steps normally.
Kel didn't say anything -- she didn't have the chance. When Thom opened his mouth again to continue his argument, Neal exploded on him. "Just leave her alone, can't you?! She doesn't like heights and that's that! You wouldn't either if your brother held you off of a tower when you were four!"
Kel sighed as Thom and his parents turned to stare at her. Myles didn't seem perturbed, having already been informed of this fact.
Neal glanced away, and muttered, "Sorry Kel." He felt bad now. He shouldn't have blown up like that . . . but Kel had every right to be afraid of heights, and after the hard time she got from Lord Wyldon, he didn't think she deserved it from anyone else.
"Your brother held you off a tower?" George asked, incredulous. If this was the girl's family . . . what were her enemies like?
Kel nodded.
"Why?" Thom was utterly shocked by this news. He made a mental note never to question her fear of heights again.
"I don't remember anymore." Kel studied her fingers. "I was annoying him for some reason."
Thom bit his lip. Poor Keladry . . . that wasn't fair at all that she should have to go through that. And it wasn't just one experience either! It would probably stay with her until she died -- even if she was able to overcome it somewhat, it would always affect her in some way. "I'm sorry," he started to say, but Kel cut him off.
"No," she said firmly.
"What?" he asked her, confused. He'd thought he was being nice. He'd wanted to be nice.
She shook her head. "Don't be sorry. The last thing I want is for you to be sorry for me." She didn't elaborate, and Thom really didn't expect her to at this point. She was awfully quiet -- he supposed it intimidated her, the thought of saying something silly in front of his mother. So he only nodded.
Kel glanced away, and waited for them to forget her outburst -- or at least to put it behind them. She didn't have to look to know they were looking at her strangely, and she didn't want to. It hurt, the way people always looked at her like she was some kind of a freak if they found out why she was so terrified of heights. And that wasn't the only reason people looked at her that way. Her own mother had given her that very same look when she'd announced her plan to become a knight. Of course, she'd warmed up to it once she realized Kel really did want to be a knight and didn't just think she'd never find a husband, but still. And all the people at the banquets . . . the ladies with their powdered cheeks and reddened lips, complete with golden jewelry and upswept hair, they looked at her that way sometimes, too. And even the King had looked at her like that -- oh he hadn't known she was watching, of course, but she had been . . . and she'd seen. And now Alanna the Lioness was looking at her like she was different and wrong. It hurt, even more so than the court ladies and the King. This was the Lioness.
Neal felt like an idiot. The way everyone was staring at his best friend was certainly painful to her. She never mentioned it, but the banquets always depressed her. Now that anyone could tell just by looking that she was a girl, there was no need for Joren and his cronies to step in; ladies, knights, and scholars alike would randomly ambush her and berate her lack of modesty. Of course there were the ones who came only to wish her well and mention their envy, but those were few and far between. And here he was, her best friend, going and making her miserable. I'm a lousy excuse for a best friend, he thought, hating himself at the moment and knowing he had to find some way to make it up to her.
Finally, Alanna cleared her throat. "Let's . . . Maybe we should keep going, unless we want to be out here all night?" She carefully nudged George, making sure the children couldn't see her, and he glanced at her questioningly. She dipped her head towards Keladry -- though it could just have easily been Thom, she told herself, attempting to convince herself that she could resist temptation -- and whispered, "We have to do something. This is getting more awkward by the moment."
Casually he sauntered over to Keladry, Nealan, and his son. He rested one hand lightly on Neal's shoulder and the other on Kel's. He felt her tense up beneath his hand and wondered for a short moment why she was so quiet, so timid. She gave the impression that she was an egg -- a hard shell outside and a quivering gel on the inside. Only, he thought ironically, maybe it's not jelly that's on the inside of her -- maybe it's solid steel; impenetrable. She hasn't exactly given any of us a chance to peek inside.
"My dear wife is correct. Even a short tour of this place would take ages -- it's a maze of secret passages, dead ends, and scattered rooms. Absolutely impossible to clean -- though that comes from a few friends of mine, not from personal experience. It's a nightmare." His voice was filled with a fondness, though his words didn't speak true to it. This place is his home, Kel realized. The place he always wants to be when he's away and the one steady rock in an avalanche of brokenness -- friendships, hearts, treaties, and promises -- for him to come back to every time. She wondered if it was hard for the Lioness to leave; this was her home too, and she seemed to love it just as much. If nothing else, she obviously loved her family. I wonder if I'll be able to do it, she thought, leave like she does. Knowing she might never come back.
George smiled now, a rouge-ish smile. He gave Kel's shoulder an affectionate squeeze and said, "So how about we get started on that tour of ours, hm? How does that sound Keladry? Nealan?"
He was actually asking for their opinions! Few adult nobles would have thought to even give the two a second glance, let alone ask how they felt.
Neal managed to get over his shock, and cheerfully said, "Sure, sounds wonderful. What d'you say, Crazy Girl?" He grinned at Kel, who smiled. "Yeah, sure."
"Crazy Girl?" Thom asked, eyes darting between the two. "Is that some sort of an inside joke between the two of you or something?"
Neal laughed. "No, not really. But she is crazy, and she is a girl." He rested an elbow on Kel's shoulder. "Right?"
"Exactly," she muttered, "that's me." She wasn't resentful, as her words might portray, though her lack of emotion gave the others the uneasy sense that she was. Actually, Kel was joking with Neal, in her own way. Neal, of course, understood that, but George looked upon her, worried. "Crazy isn't always a bad thing . . . "
She met his eyes. "Neal's convinced the entire palace is insane, Baron. I'm just one of luckier ones -- I get to be nuttier than most."
Both Neal and Myles began to laugh. To the other's questioning looks, Neal gasped, "Look -- you just didn't catch it -- that was a joke. She's not upset in the least."
Thom turned to her, disbelieving. "You were kidding?" he asked, suspiciously. It hadn't sounded like joking to him.
"Yes." Kel's hazel eyes locked with his, and he raised an eyebrow. "You are a strange, strange girl . . . "
Neal elbowed her. "Hey look Kel -- you got a complement!" She grinned -- Thom was just now realizing that Neal was to only one to get any mentionable reaction out of her. Myles could make her smile, but only Neal could make her grin -- and what a grin it was! Of course, on the downside, he could also make her stomp her foot, and comfort her when she was hurting. Why do I care about that, though? he wondered, Why do I care if she turns to him for caring, instead of m -- horrified, his mind froze. Instead of me. Gods I am in way over my head, he moaned within his mind.
Neal slung an arm over Kel's shoulder, and said, "Do I look any more yellow? I'm worried that it might be progressing into its later stages."
Thom fought back a raging storm of black jealousy that rose when Neal encircled her with his arm. And why -- she wasn't his lover; they weren't courting.
Entirely straight-faced, Kel said, "I do believe you've almost become Princess Flower." Then the two grinned at each other. Thom shook his head, not bothering to ask. Keladry didn't seem to like it -- where that intuition had come from, he had no idea. He hardly knew her and what's more, her face was forever a mask. But somehow he sensed that she did not like his prying. And that made it hurt all the more.
They turned down a long corridor and the two squires began a whispered discussion of various things, such as their impending punishment, what they thought of Pirate's Swoop, and Kel's impression of the Lioness. All were tender topics among their current group, and so they kept the volume low and an eye out for any stray ears.
Finally Thom could stand it no more. Neal acted like they were married, the way he was constantly touching her, the way he smiled at her. Maybe that was overreacting a bit, but not too much. He spun around and asked, "Are you two a couple or something?"
Unsure of his own motives for demanding that of them, he wondered if maybe he'd wanted to hurt them. But that didn't seem likely; Kel was nice -- why would he want to hurt her? Whatever his reasons for asking, when they gazed upon him, horrified, he knew he felt a sense of relief.
Neal looked disgusted. "No way!"
"Of course not!"
They made it seem like it was the most obvious thing, but the others had been wondering. George even voiced his original thoughts on the matter. "I wasn't entirely sure if you two were together or not," he admitted.
"Together!" screeched Neal. "That would be like . . . Like kissing my sister or something!"
Kel shuddered at the thought, while adding her own two coppers. "Or one of my brothers."
Neal shook his head. "What on earth gave you that idea?" he questioned Thom.
"Well -- the two of you are kind of flirting with each other," he said, while Myles smirked.
"Oh." Neal glanced at Kel, and she shook her head. "I agree with you," he murmured.
They were able to reach the end of the hallway (it was quite lengthy) without any further trouble. Thom sighed. This really was awkward.
Finally, just to break the silence, Thom turned to Kel and asked, "So, you have any romantic interests, then?" The instant the words left his mouth, hey mentally slapped himself. I don't care if she does, he told himself. I don't. But he'd always been a bad liar, even to himself.
Kel's eyes widened, like she'd suddenly found herself before a charging army with no notion of how she'd gotten there. "Wh -- what?" she asked, stuttering. Did he, perhaps, care a little? Did he care if she had any "romantic interests"? Kel found herself hoping that he did.
"Do you have any romantic interests?" he repeated. There was nothing he could do about it now; the damage was done. Hopefully she wouldn't hate him for life.
"N -- no . . . " she said, breathily. Goddess, why was she so nervous? It was just one simple question! She thanked the Yamanis for their indirect help in this matter -- it was difficult enough for her to make her lie believable when she was flustered, right now. It would have been near impossible, had she not been skilled at it.
About to ask why not, he caught himself. Without saying a word, he jogged ahead so he didn't have to look into those eyes of hers. They held questions . . . many of them. And Thom didn't want to answer.
Neal's eyes followed Thom's retreating form, thoughtfully. Going through an internal struggle with himself, he finally said to Kel, "He's flirting with you."
Kel jumped. Of course, she'd known it all along, but did Neal have to mention it? "So?" she snapped, hoping to diffuse this particular conversation quickly. But Neal would have none of it. He tilted her stubborn chin up, and said, "So why don't you flirt back?"
She shoved away from him and whirled around, following Thom, but being sure to stay behind him. Goddess curse him! Mithros damn him! He -- he didn't understand, did he? She couldn't just flirt back. She couldn't. Not only was it stupid to start to like someone that she'd never see again, she wasn't used to be treated like this. Sure Cleon always teased her, but that was just teasing. Nothing meaningful. And the others didn't really think of her as a girl, even at those times when they were flirting with her. She was uncomfortable with these new feelings. Sure she'd felt something for Neal -- I'm thinking in the past tense now? she asked herself. And then she realized that, yes, she was. She didn't feel the same way about Neal anymore. In a matter of hours, this Thom character had turned her life upside down. It was alien to her, the kind of flirting Thom practiced. He didn't treat her like one of the court ladies as Cleon did when he played. He treated her like she was smart -- like she knew things. And he was just as interested -- if not more interested -- in what she had to say about herself as what he had to say. And it made her feel uncomfortable, strangely enough. Why should it though? Why didn't it make her feel happy -- joyful that someone had finally seen that she was a girl too, and had feelings. She'd been wishing for it for a long time. And now that it had finally happened . . . well, frankly, it scared her. She could find a million reasons why she should hold back. That was reason speaking -- reasonable Kel, that's who she was. But sometimes she just got so frustrated with that! Sometimes she just wanted to do something because it felt right. This felt right.
Myles of Olau watched Kel push Neal and stomp off. "What was that about?" he called quietly, from behind. Whatever exchange had passed between the two a moment ago, it had certainly upset Kel a lot, for her to act that way. "That's very unlike her, to act so upset. Very unlike her." His eyes encouraged Neal to tell him what had happened: he was worried about Kel.
Neal grinned and joined Myles, the Baron, and the Baroness. "Oh it was no big deal -- I just told her Thom was flirting with her. She said, "So?" And I told her she should flirt with him." His grin widened. "She didn't like the idea too much."
"He is flirting with her," Alanna agreed, quietly. "I imagine it must make her pretty uncomfortable."
Neal shrugged. "Back home -- lots of people flirt with her. She denies it, though, and insists they're only fooling around. But she knows they really are flirting. So she's used to it."
Alanna didn't look too convinced, so Neal elaborated -- after making sure Kel wasn't within earshot. "She could use some love in her life. She's too serious, and grounded." He shook his head. "No one at the palace would do -- even when they flirt with her, they still forget she's a girl. Though it can be a little difficult to keep that in mind when she's whacking you around. She needs this." Neal shook out his shaggy hair. "And more importantly, she wants it -- though she'd never admit it."
Kel had turned around and stomped back to give Neal a piece of her mind, or make up -- she wasn't sure which -- and heard his little discussion. I don't care if you're right about some of those things, Neal, she thought bitterly. It doesn't give you the right to tell people without my consent. Crossing her arms over her chest, she quietly said, "What she wants is for you to stop meddling in her personal life."
Neal turned around. "Oh, you mean like your parents are doing?" The adults watched, holding their breaths, as a hundred different emotions clashed in Kel's eyes -- though her face remained the same. Expressionless. Finally, hurt seemed to win over, and she turned around without a sound. No use letting him know he'd won -- that he'd succeeded in upsetting her, if that was what he wanted.
Neal sighed. "Yeah. That's what I thought," he muttered. Sir Myles sent him a questioning glance, and Neal shook his head. "Now isn't the time for such talks as to why I brought up Kel's parents, Sir. Now -- " he glanced at Kel, up ahead " -- Now is the time for me to go take my chances with her. In other words, make up," he explained to the confusion of Alanna and George.
As Neal left them, George said, "I don't know if he's right about this."
"Kel won't go along with it if she doesn't want to," Myles said. "She can take care of herself." But can she take care of her heart, he wondered. Neal, for all he was doing, wasn't putting any thought into what could happen; how they could get hurt. He hoped, for their sake, that at least one of them did, and soon.
Neal caught up with Kel and grabbed her arm, spinning her towards him. She yanked her arm out of his hold. There was no hatred in her eyes, no anger -- not even a deep hurt. Any of these, Neal had expected to see. Instead he saw . . . nothing. Absolutely nothing in her eyes. Normally the window to her feelings, even if her face was as blank as a chalkboard wiped clean, they were empty.
He swallowed, hard. Maybe he'd hurt her worse than he thought. Reaching out a hand, he brushed her hair away from her face. "I'm sorry," he said softly. I didn't mean to hurt you. Not the way I did. I only wanted to prove a point -- that you can't stand alone all the time. Sometimes you need to lean on someone else." He hadn't looked at her once during his miniature speech. Now he looked into her eyes once more, to find out if he'd affected her.
"But I don't like to rely on other people," Kel whispered.
"I know," he told her gently. "You'd rather face the worst fate on your own; rather save everyone by yourself. But that's going to get awfully lonely, Kel."
~~~~~
A/N: Aw...and ain't that the truth? See? Neal really does care about her....heehee. Please review....*gets down on hands and knees and begs*
~Dani