Author's Notes: I don't own any of these characters. I don't write songfics, so this is my first, but I do have songs recommended that you, the reader, should listen to acquire the mood I that had when I wrote this. I feel listening to the actual song is more effective than reading it. The first song is from the End of Evangelion and is entitled "Komm, Süsser Todd", or "Come, Sweet Death". This can be put to either Kitty or Kurt. Although this fic has nothing to do with death, the music made me think of this scenario. The second songs I would recommend listening to when Kitty is standing on the bridge are a few original tracks from the movie Casper. Those songs would be "Casper's Lullaby" or "One Last Wish". And sorry all of you Kurtty haters out there, but I'll try to make this as original as possible. This is also set in the future, after Kitty and Evan graduate from high school, so when the story opens Kitty's about twenty-four years old. Sheesh, I talk a lot, ne?
Summary: My first song-fic. Kitty walks through New York City at Christmas time, thinking of Kurt, who left the X-men six years before. Set in the future.
Gentle Breath
Written by Kyheena (AKA AngelTabris17)
I know, I know I've let you down
I've been a fool to myself
I thought that I could live for no one else
But now, through all the hurt and pain
It's time for me to respect
The ones you love mean more than anything.
So with sadness in my heart
(I) feel the best that I can do
Is end it all and leave forever
What's done is done, it feels so bad
What once was happy now is sad
I'll never love again My world is ending...
As if it were fated to do so, the first snowflake of that evening fell into Kitty's outstretched gloved hand.
Six years. She though sadly as she looked at the beautiful ice crystal as it was balanced on the tiny fibers of her cotton glove. Slowly is melted back into its original form as Kitty's breath, warm against the air, touched it, destroying its fragile beauty forever. Kitty grimaced, sorrow and pain flashing across her face and blue eyes as clear as if a candle had been passed before it. The snowflake reminded her of her heart.
Six years. It seems much longer than that. It seems as if…as if he was never with us at all…
The people around her began to move again with the changing lights, pushing at her from behind and out onto the street as they crossed from block to block. What street were they on, exactly? To Kitty, it was of no importance. As far as she knew, she was all the way on the other side of New York City, opposite of where she parked her car.
So what? She had told the rest of the team that she had to go out for a while, to take a walk to clear her mind. None of them protested, asked how long she would be gone for or where she was even going. Tonight, six years after he disappeared, was a hard time for all of them, but it seemed to have hit Kitty the hardest.
Now the snowflakes were falling softly all around her as she walked in the frozen urban canyon know as New York City, dressed snugly for the cold winter weather. Rubbing her hands together as if trying to wipe away all evidence of the melted snowflake before shoving them back into the pockets of her long wool coat, the dark blue one that nearly touched her knees. Kitty walked with her head down and her hood pushed back, white snow dotting her long dark hair and the purple scarf wrapped around her neck loosely.
The city had never looked as beautiful as if did when it was winter. A soft blanket of white snow had covered every building, every bare tree, all the sidewalks and streets, and since the sun rarely shone during the coldest months of the year, the white made a striking contrast against the bleak gray sky. And now, just a week before winter, the entire metropolitan way strung with lights of all sorts in all the trees, the display windows of stores and all along the balconies of the apartments that towered above her head. There were tinsel trees and bells hung up on all the lampposts and carolers were on every corner, so there was never a time where she did not here Christmas carols. It was one of the few times of the year were everyone was in a good mood; there was smiles on almost all the faces that past by her saying "Merry Christmas" to a complete stranger was nothing strange.
Normally, Kitty would have loved this time of year. The X-men always made a point to try to go to New York before Christmas and make a day of it. It was always started with a day of shopping at Union Square, which was commonly followed by a game of keep-away while everyone tried to sneak a peek into their friends' shopping bags. After a light lunch they usually went into Central Park to try their hands at ice skating, which was always interesting since most of them were bad at it. Kitty could not recall a year where she had not laughed herself into tears at herself and watching the rest of her friends blunder on the slippery ice and cheap ice skates. After some more shopping, they would always dress in their best – evening gowns for the girls and suits for the boys – before dinner at an upper-class restaurant, followed by a trip to a theater where they would watch a choir perform classical Christmas songs. For Kitty, as probably as well as all the others, a day like that would always be the ticket to a cheery Christmas spirit.
But not anymore. Even though the tradition was not broken, it was never the same after Kurt left.
The memory was a bitter sting for Kitty. It was about a week and a half after they trip to New York when they had all come down to breakfast to find Kurt missing. For a couple of days, no one thought much of it until Scott finally questioned Professor Xavier on the subject. It was also then that it occurred to Kitty that the Professor had a sad look to his normal gentle eyes, as if there was something he knew that the others did not. That look made Kitty's heart and mind turn to ice. And, to her horror as well to that of the rest of the team, he did.
Apparently Kurt had been planning this for a while, but Xavier told them that Kurt had temporarily left the team on a sort of mission of self-discovery, as a way to collect his thoughts and reflect on life, as well as to find himself and what he wanted to do in life. For some of them, most were not surprised. Kitty and Evan, the youngest members of the team, had graduated from high school that same summer. Scott and Jean were currently enrolled in New York State University, so it was clear to all of them that they were all becoming adults and there was a time for them to move on, although they were always welcomed to come back to the institute at any time.
But for some reason, Kurt's disappearance, without a word to any of them, hit them all as shocking and left most of them grieved. Scott and Jean came back for visits during holidays and most of their long weekends, and they often called to talk to everyone at least two or three times a week, but Kurt's case was different. He gave to hints to he was leaving, no letter of good bye, no final words, except for one that he asked the Professor to give to the students.
"Don't look for me. I'll be back."
Despite the grief it caused for everyone, everyone seemed to accept and support Kurt's decision and therefore did nothing to try to look for him. Since no one, not even Xavier, knew where he was and he never wrote or called, they had no way to contact him.
There was also no denying that Kitty had taken his disappearance the hardest even though she would constantly deny it. But it hurt inside. It hurt like nothing else she had ever experienced before. For those first few weeks she kept to herself, usually staying in her room for most of that time, constantly telling herself that he would be back one day. She was able to put on a mask that kept her looking like her usual peppy self to the rest of the team, but on Christmas morning that mask shattered like glass.
Christmas morning had been quieter and awkward this year, and there was no denying that it was because of the absence of their fuzzy friend. Once all the presents have been opening, not including the pile that was for Kurt, everyone was ready to for breakfast when Rogue found one last parcel, wrapped in green paper and Kitty's name written in Kurt's hand. The present was thin and rectangular a little heavy. Pain took hold of Kitty's heart immediately when she saw who it was from, but nothing could compare her for what was to come when she tore the paper.
It was a picture frame; a simple gold picture frame, complete with photograph. With trembling fingers Kitty turned it over to look at the photo and her breath was choked out of her. It was a picture that Jean had taken of Kitty and Kurt earlier that summer at the Xavier mansion, so Kurt was in his real form. They had just completed one of their training sessions when Jean got one of her weird impulses to break out her camera and take pictures of all the other X-men, in spite of their protests since they were all hot and sweaty. It took some persisting so Kitty would allow her picture to be taken, but finally she gave in and struck a quick pose so the photo-bug would leave the red-haired woman. Right before the shutter clicked Kurt –bamfed- just behind Kitty and wrapped his arms around her shoulders. Before Kitty could say a word Kurt disappeared once again. Jean was laughing. "I think he had that planned." She said.
The final result of the picture was surprising for Kitty. Instead of having a look of surprise on her face that usually made people look stupid, she was still smiling, as was Kurt. Jean could not have been happier that it came out as well as it did. And Kitty did admit, it was a nice picture. They both looked so happy, like kids again although Kurt was close to twenty then, but it made her feel good.
But as fast as it had happened, Kitty remembered every aspect of Kurt holding her. The sweet smell of his fur, the feeling of his downy fuzz on her cheek, his strong arms wrapped around her body as she was held tightly against his sleek, muscular form…the mere memory made her blush. And that smile…no one could quite smile like her elf could. It always made her feel light-headed. But now…looking at that picture shattered something within her.
Her heart.
And with her heart came a wave of emotions that she was no longer able to control. Clutching the frame tightly to her chest, Kitty cried.
I wish that I could turn back time
'Cause now the guilt is all mine
Can't live without the trust from those you love
I know we can't forget the past
You can't forget love and pride
Because of that it's killin' me inside
Damn you, Kurt. She swore at him. Why did you leave?
It took a lot of words by her friends to make Kitty feel better, but none of them quite worked. It was not until seeing that picture that Kitty realized that she had lost her best friend; that he was gone from her life without a single word of farewell. Kurt was her best friend. He was always the one who could first pick up on her bad moods and was always the last to leave to make absolutely sure that she was feeling better. He was a fun guy to be around for his great sense of humor.
And now he was gone.
The Professor had said temporarily, so for those first two years after his disappearance, Kitty would wait for him every day, wishing for him to return. But as the third year came around, the temporary time period was gone. It was too long, now. Most of the team accepted that maybe he had found something in life that he was happy with. It was a nice thought, but Kitty wanted him here, with her. She had almost reached the point where she was ready to admit that she had liked him more than a friend.
And now it was too late.
What if he never came back?
It all returns to nothing
It just keeps letting me down, letting me down, letting me down
In my heart of hearts I know that I could never love again
I've lost everything, everything …
Everything that matters to me matters in this world
Kitty remembered the night that Kurt disappeared. It was just like tonight; a white world shrouded by a gray blanket of cold. It reflected her heart perfectly. But tonight, when Kitty had spent that last six years sitting before the front window of the Xavier mansion, looking for any signs of Kurt returning to the team, she needed to get out. She couldn't stay there. The pain had grown too much for her over the years. How much longer could she survive like this?
She continued her trudge through the snow, passing singers and street performers and charity collection buckets, her mind elsewhere. She only became aware of the passage in time when the street lamps clicked on along with all the Christmas lights, and the city became a glow that held most people in a magical state of awe.
Not Kitty, though. She could hardly care less.
But still, it was not uncommon for the rest of the team to worry about her. It was probably best that she got back to Bayville. On her way back to the parking garage, Kitty stopped on top of a small bridge that crossed over a small man-made canal. From here the city was spread out before her, all the buildings let up and all the trees donned in sparkling white lights. She tried to force herself to appreciate the beauty as the snow fell around the area, but it was too hard to digress her thoughts. This was like the night that Kurt disappeared.
She sighed, her breath emerging as white steam. It was getting late. Maybe it was time that she got back. She hated driving home in the dark, especially when it was snowing. When she turned around she gave a small start at the man standing next to her, covered completely in a dark green coat with the hood pulled up around his head so she couldn't see his face, admiring the scenery before them. He appeared as if out of no where, but Kitty didn't let it bother her. But before she could leave, he spoke.
"Eets beautiful, eesn't it?"
Had her mind not been so preoccupied, Kitty might have noticed the accent. Not wanting to be rude, she stayed, leaning against the banister again. For the first time that night she allowed her eyes to see the city, all decked out for the holidays. "Yes, it is."
"Zis time of year alvays makes me feel goot." The man said. "Goot memories, as vell as zome sad vones as vell. And, from ze look of eet, you feel ze same?"
Kitty nodded. She did not care that she was talking to a complete stranger. It just felt good to talk, as if she had not done so in ages. "Yes. I had a friend who left me six years ago tonight."
"You miss him?"
"More than anything." Kitty said. The talking, however, was threatening to bring tears as well as she remembered Kurt's smiling face.
"Six years…" The man looked towards the sky, but his hood did not move. "Zat is a long time. But zere must be somezing else about zis time of year that makes you feel happy. Do you have any goot memories?"
"Oh, yeah." Kitty answered. "Of course. Like my being with my family…there's always a time in December when we come here and make a day of it. Every year…even when he was with us."
"Spending a day vith your family…" The man had a far-away feeling to his voice, as if he too were remembering. "Yes, zose are goot times. Nozing quite beats a day vith your friends…shopping, having lunch togezer in ze park before ice skating, zen off to a nice dinner before ze show…"
His words almost made Kitty's heart stop. When he had just described was exactly what she and the other X-men did in December. It felt as if she had lost her voice, but she still forced herself to turn around to face the man standing beside her. Only he wasn't standing beside her anymore. It was like he had vanished.
Could it be…? No, that was impossible. But…still…
Before she could move two strong arms embraced her from behind and held her against a sleek, muscular body. A sweet scent tickled Kitty's nose and soft downy fur brushed against Kitty's face as the person behind her buried his face in the crook of her neck. The man holding her brought his lips to her ear, his gentle breath caressing the side of her face. He whispered tenderly. "I missed you, Katzchen."
All thought process had ceased, but her heart still pounded furiously as Kitty brought up a hand to grasp at the hand on her right shoulder. At her touch the man moved his own hand to hold hers. She could feel soft fur brush her skin as three fingers wrapped around her five. "Kurt…" She was finally able to breathe.
His strong hands still firm on her shoulders, Kurt turned Kitty around gently and held her so they were facing each other, his arms wrapped so tightly around her that nothing could have pried them apart. Trembling, Kitty raised her arms and wrapped them around Kurt's slender waist, but was soon holding him back as hard, if not harder, than he was holding her. The feel of him so close to her after so long, knowing that he still cared for her, made the tears in her eyes finally spill down her cheeks, soaking into his cloak. For a long time there was no words spoken between them. All sadness left Kitty in a rush as she relished in her best friend's embrace. It felt as if it had been more than six years. It felt…oh, who cared how long it felt. The point was that it had been too long, but now they were together once again.
Unwantingly, they finally pulled away. Kurt cupped Kitty's face in his hands and wiped her tears away with his fingers. Kitty also saw the wet look in his eyes. He was wearing his watch, the hologram on. Immediately she longed to see his real self. For several long moments neither one of them spoke, but Kitty was the first to break the silence. "Where were you?"
"Everyvere." Kurt said back, gently running his fingers through her long chestnut hair, noting how long it got. "All around ze world. But I didn't veel comfortable anyvere, so I came back here." He laughed softly. "Who vould have zought zat I vould run into you here?"
"Where you going to come back to Bayville?" He didn't answer. Kitty turned away from him and looked back out over the bridge.
"Kitty?"
"Why didn't you write? Or tell us where you were going? I understand why you left, but we were all beginning to think that you were dead. You just left…" She buried her face into her arms. "We didn't even know if you were all right…" Once again Kurt approached her from behind and placed his arms around her.
"I…don't know." He answered slowly. "I'm sorry." There was more silence. "Did you find the photograph I got you for Christmas?" Kitty nodded. "Did you like eet?"
"I look at it every night before I go to bed." Came Kitty's hushed answer.
"I…have somezing for you, Katzchen. I vas going to vait, but with the city looking so beautiful…now should be a good time." He pulled away from her again and reached into his coat pocket, pulling out a small box. "I stopped by my home in Germany a few years ago, and my foster mother gave zis to me. She told me to give it to somevone who is very special to me. Her husband gave it to her before zey got married." He handed the white box to her, and Kitty opened it. Inside was a clear tear-shaped crystal on a gold chain. Kurt removed it from the tissue padding, walked behind her and slipped the necklace around her neck. Kitty looked at the stone. It winking at her from the surrounding lights.
"Kurt, it's beautiful. I…don't know what to say."
Kurt couldn't help but smile. She looked beautiful. In these six years that he was gone, she had changed, growing from the teenager he first met her as to a woman of twenty-four. He could feel himself falling for her all over again. But, then again, he had never denied his feelings for her in the first place, nor had they weakened over the years. "Eet also…vas a sort of vedding gift my foster father gave to her ven he proposed. As his father did ven he proposed to his wife. Apparently…eet is tradition, as much as ven ve used to come here before Christmas vith the other X-men."
At this Kitty's head snapped back up to look at him in the eyes, wondering if she had heard right. But before she could answer, Kurt stepped forward and pressed his lips to hers, taking away all of Kitty's breath. All was forgotten except for each other. Words were not needed. They both understood.
Kurt pulled away slightly, so slightly that his lips brushed against hers as he spoke. "Take me home, Katzchen."
~Fin
Final note: There, I hope that was different for a Kurtty fic. What do you think, ne?