Ships in the Night
By the Empress of the Eclipse
Disclaimer - Digimon isn't mine.
Contains TAITO!!!!!!!!! Also contains some swearing including one use of the 'f' word.
I just want to mention that the band I refer to in this is not the same as my normal band. I like them. These ones are....strange.
What was I ON when I wrote this? That can't have been sugar on my cornflakes this morning! Sorry about this, I know it's strange. But I think it's quite good (just to blow my own trumpet...)
Tai lay on the bed, tossing and turning. He was restless and couldn't relax. Beside him, Tamé stirred, obviously disturbed by his inability to drop off. Tai swallowed. She'd know. Tamé always knew.
"You're thinking about that place again, aren't you?"
Tai said nothing. He knew that there was no point saying anything. Tamé sighed.
"There's money downstairs in the jug. If you wake the kids, I will kill you. Don't be out too late and don't let anyone see you."
"No," Tai agreed softly. Getting up, he dressed quickly "Goodnight Tamé."
"Goodnight Taichi."
Tai walked the empty streets like an autom, his feet knowing the way without his brain helping. As he did every time he walked these roads, he wondered why, how he'd ended up in this situation.
He'd always been happy when he'd been younger. Nobody was happy all the time but Tai had found himself a place, found himself happy for the majority of the time. Until he'd noticed his growing attraction to Matt.
Matt. Tai clenched his fists but his feet keep walking, undisturbed by his minds anger. Matt had been Tai's best friend. He'd been everything to Tai, even before Tai had realised that he was thinking of Matt in a more than friendly way. Tai had hidden his feelings, not wanting to spoil a perfectly good friendship. But somehow Matt had grown more and more attractive until Tai had blurted out his feelings.
He still remembered Matt's expression of horror and shock, then his gentle rejection. He'd gone home and cried for days, unable to face the fact that Matt didn't want him.
Then when he'd returned to school, it had been different. He couldn't face Matt and he didn't think Matt could face him. The two had avoided each other for the rest of their high school years. Then Matt had gone off with his band and he'd lost touch with Tai. Tai had pushed it all away, pretending that it wasn't true, that he had never felt for Matt in any way except friendship. He'd married Tamé and had children with her, had a good job, thought he was happy.
Only then something had changed. Without really knowing why, Tai found himself attracted to men again. He found himself dreaming about men at night, fantasising about random guys. He hated himself for it but he couldn't stop. Eventually, desperate for some sort of satisfaction, he'd slept with one of the guys at work who everyone knew was gay.
It had been a one-off, they both knew it. Both of them were married with kids. The guy had given Tai an address and told him to go there next time he needed a guy. A brothel.
Tai had resisted the urges. He didn't want to betray Tamé anymore than he had to. But he kept the address. And eventually, he found himself going there, making his way through the streets and entering.
It was owned by a married couple, Isas and Seki Anno. They were nice, friendly and they liked Tai's money. They were happy enough to oblige when Tai always requested a blonde male of around his age, preferably with blue eyes and one who was tall. They never asked why. Never asked any questions in fact. So Tai had continued to go, each time requesting the same thing and getting a brief satisfaction from it.
Eventually, it had become too much. He confessed to Tamé, expecting her to separate from him. She hadn't. She'd basically told him that if he had to do that, he could continue to go to his brothel. He could continue to sleep with men. But he could never start a relationship with any of them and he could never bring them home. Never let anyone else know. It was his business and their secret.
Things had changed between them then. Tai tried to hold himself back, resist the urge for as long as possible until it became too great. Each time, Tamé showed her disapproval in small ways, so outsiders wouldn't notice. Everyone thought their marriage was perfect.
His feet had arrived. Sighing, Tai entered.
"Mr Yagami," Isas said "It's been a while."
Tai nodded.
"Whatever."
"Your usual?"
Tai nodded.
"Please."
Isas smiled.
"I have the perfect gentleman for you," he said "Fits the bill in every way and rather attractive too. Small attitude problem but that won't bother you, will it?"
"No," Tai said.
Isas led Tai straight to a room and pushed him in.
"Customer for you!"
Tai sighed. The man had his back to him. He had long blonde hair and a tally willowy frame.
"Hi," Tai said "I'm...."
"Whatever," the man muttered "You want to fuck or what?"
Tai frowned. That voice...
"Sure," he said.
The man turned round.
"Then lets....Tai?"
Tai froze, staring at the face. It was older, thinner, looking tired. The deep blue eyes were embittered, hard. But Tai would know it anywhere.
"Matt?"
Matt stood quite still, staring at him. Tai gaped back.
"What...what are you doing here?" he asked eventually.
"Me? What about you?" Matt asked.
Tai felt himself turn red. He decided to pass over the question.
"How long have you been here?"
"A while."
"I've never seen you here before," Tai said.
"I'm very popular," Matt said, with a slightly bitter smile.
Tai continued to stare at him.
"You're working as a prostitute?" he said, unable to keep shock and slight disapproval out of his voice.
Matt scowled.
"You're hiring prostitutes?" he snapped.
Tai swallowed.
"I didn't even know you were in Odiaba," he said quietly.
"No," Matt said, suddenly looking sad "I lost touch with everyone."
"Even TK?"
"Even TK."
Tai couldn't help looking shocked now. TK and Matt had always been so close.
"Matt....why?"
Matt said nothing. He hung his head slightly and sighed.
"Why?" Tai repeated "Matt, what's happened to you? How have you got into this situation?"
"I needed money," Matt said flatly "I've got a daughter. No mother. And...and I want to do well for her. So...so I found myself work."
"You've got a daughter?" Tai whispered.
Matt nodded. A flicker of pride crossed his face.
"Her names Takara Ishida. She's six years old and she's gorgeous," he said "She looks a lot like TK did when he was young."
"Who was the mother?" Tai asked.
Matt turned away.
"No one important," he said "She wasn't interested anyway. She would have aborted her if I hadn't paid her."
"You paid her?"
Matt said nothing but a tremor ran through his body.
"I couldn't lose my baby," he said eventually "So I paid her. She carried her, she gave birth to her. I did the rest. Takara's never had a mother. I'm all she needs."
"Where is she now?" Tai asked.
Matt paused.
"Seki or another one of the girls who isn't needed takes care of her in a back room," he said eventually "The only charge is that I have to work free for one night or so a month. It's better than most things."
"You mean she's here right now?" Tai asked.
Matt nodded.
"When I work late, she sleeps here," he said "She doesn't mind."
"Does she know?"
"Of course not! She's only six! I've told her that I do things for people to make them happy. She accepts that. She knows that she mustn't tell anyone about it."
Tai stared at the back of Matt's head.
"Where do you live?"
"None of your business."
"You can't make some little girl spend half her time round here!" Tai said "It's not right!"
"What else can I do?" Matt snapped "She's my daughter! I have to take care of her!"
"You could get a job!" Tai said "You could get any job! I remember your exam results! You could be anything!"
"To earn enough money to help my daughter? She needs things Tai. Do you have kids?" Matt asked.
"Yes," Tai said "A daughter Setsu and a boy, Taro. Setsu's eight and Taro's six."
"And you know how much they need?"
"Yes," Tai said "But if I was a single parent, I wouldn't ever turn to something this sordid..."
"Sordid!" Matt hissed "You hire us Tai! You hire prostitutes and use us for a night and pay and you call me sordid!"
Tai hung his head. Matt sat down on the bed with a thump and ran his hands through his hair. Tai sat next to him after a moment.
"Are you a single parent?" Matt asked quietly.
"No. I'm still married to their mother."
"Does she know about this?"
"Yes," Tai said quietly.
Matt looked at him.
"And she allows this?"
"She doesn't want me to leave," Tai said "She doesn't want our children to grow up alone. She loves me."
"More fool her," Matt said.
"What do you mean?" Tai said angrily.
"What's the point?" Matt asked flatly "She can't make you happy. She must know that if you have to come to a cheap brothel to stay happy and stay with her. She must know that you don't love her."
"I do love her!" Tai said "I just...I can't help myself."
"Can't help yourself," Matt repeated bitterly "Poor little Tai. Can't get rid of this sickness."
"I never said that!" Tai said angrily "You said it."
"Right, aren't I?"
Tai shook his head and looked away.
"I never thought this would happen," he muttered.
"To me? Or you?"
"Both," Tai said.
They sat in silence for a while, not saying anything.
"What happened to the band?" Tai asked at last.
"I don't want to talk about that."
Tai nodded slowly. Matt looked at him.
"Why did you get married?"
"I fell in love."
"You said you..." Matt's voice broke off.
"Loved you?" Tai said sadly "Yeah. I did. But you said that you didn't want me. So I got over it."
"And 'became straight?'" Matt said "So that's why you're here, getting your rocks off with strangers."
"Stop bringing it back to that!" Tai said angrily.
Matt turned his head away.
"Sorry."
"Why did you lost contact with TK?"
"Tai..."
"Tell me."
"We fought just before I left," Matt said quietly.
"Fought about what?" Tai asked.
Matt swallowed.
"He thought I was selfish," he said "Because...because he knew that I liked you but I didn't say when you confessed how you felt."
Tai stared at him.
"Why?" he said eventually.
Matt smiled bitterly.
"You were you Tai," he said "I could love you. You couldn't love me. If you loved me, everything would change. So I rejected you."
"I don't understand your logic at all," Tai said.
Matt shrugged.
"No," he said "I don't either. But it made sense then. TK said it was unfair. He said that I was an idiot and unfair and cruel to you. I got angry with him. And then I left. I've written to him a couple of times. But I don't know where he is now."
Tai stared at him.
"Good story huh?" Matt said with a bitter laugh "Boy who had everything going for him leaves down, ends up a single father and a male prostitute. Sounds like a soap opera story!"
His face twisted.
"I never had everything going for me," he said "Not really. I never really had anything."
"Just a brother who loved you and friends," Tai said.
Matt shook his head and didn't reply. Tai stared at him.
"Do you enjoy this work?" he said.
"What do you think?"
"I don't know," Tai said "I don't understand you anymore."
Matt sighed.
"Would you enjoy it?" he asked "Sometimes it's not so bad. I only cater for guys and if the guy is cute, it's not so awful."
"What about the risk of diseases?"
"You know Isas better than that."
"Yes," Tai said "You always use a condom or you don't use these facilities!"
Matt laughed at Tai's imitation.
"You sound exactly like him," he said.
Tai shrugged.
"How much do you earn?" he asked.
Matt shrugged.
"It varies," he said "Enough for me and Takara to live on okay."
"Matt, you can't carry on like this," Tai said.
"Why not?" Matt asked "It's not perfect but we're okay. Takara's happy. She wears nice clothes, she gets good marks in school, she has nice toys. Why can't I carry on?"
"How do you think she'll feel when she's older? Knowing her father's a prostitute, that he sells himself."
"She'll understand!" Matt snapped "She'll understand because she'll know that otherwise, she'd have had nothing!"
"When she's older, she won't think like that!" Tai said "She'll hate you because you do something sordid and disgusting - "
Matt slapped him. It wasn't a very hard slap but Tai was startled by it.
"It's not sordid!" Matt hissed "You use this place yourself you little hypocrite! You come here regularly to screw somebody or be screwed by somebody and then you tell me that being a prostitute is sordid! Has it occurred to you that we maybe see you as sordid? You come here, you pay us. That's how we get our money. If you didn't pay it, we wouldn't have a business."
Tai struggled to think of an answer. He couldn't.
"Matt...."
Matt shook his head.
"Tai, I have to keep going," he said wearily "Don't you see? I have to keep my life afloat."
"But you're miserable," Tai said.
"I'm not miserable."
"When I came in, you didn't even want my name," Tai said "You just wanted to screw me and get it over with. You're miserable."
"No."
"Liar."
Matt looked at him. He shook his head.
"Why does it matter to you?" he asked softly "Why do you care Tai? No one cares about me."
"I care!" Tai said "We're friends!"
"We haven't been friends for years."
Tai sighed. He wanted to argue but he couldn't.
"You've changed," he said softly.
"I'm older," Matt said quietly "Things - and people - always change."
"You're cynical," Tai said.
"I've always been cynical."
Tai said nothing. Matt sighed and ran a hand through his hair again. They sat silently for a while.
"I should go," Tai muttered, standing up.
"You haven't had your money's worth," Matt said "Don't you want the shag you came for?"
"I can't sleep with you," Tai said.
"Why not?"
"I know you."
"Can't face sleeping with someone you know?"
Tai didn't say anything. He didn't think he could explain. Maybe Matt was right. He wasn't sure.
"Tamé doesn't want me sleeping with anyone who I'm in a relationship with," he said.
"We're not in a relationship."
"We're friends."
"We're not."
Tai said nothing. He stared at Matt.
"So you'll just go home," Matt said "Not get satisfaction?"
"What do you think I should do?" Tai said "Sleep with you?"
"I'd like that."
Tai looked at him.
"You would?" he said, a little startled.
"You said you loved me. You say we're friends," Matt said softly "You can give me feelings." His voice got quieter "You don't often get feelings."
Tai paused, indecisive.
"You'll be paying for the sex no matter what," Matt said quietly "You might as well have some satisfaction."
Tai slowly moved over to the bed and sat down uncertainly next to Matt. Matt slid a hand round his neck and kissed him hungrily. Half-forgotten feelings for his friend resurfaced and Tai surrendered into Matt's embrace, pushing everything away from his mind until it was finished.
* * * *
"I have to go," Tai said quietly, lying cuddled in Matt's arms "For one thing, Tamé and the kids will worry if I'm not back for morning. And I'm amazed that Isas hasn't already come and battered down the door to kick me out."
Matt nodded. Tai began to dress.
"Tai."
Tai looked at Matt. Matt stood up and pushed something into his hand.
"It's my address," he muttered "I....would you like to come and speak to me? At my house."
Tai looked at it.
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because Tamé doesn't want me to ever get involved with anyone I meet here," Tai said.
"Your wife."
Tai nodded. Matt sighed.
"Are you happy?" he asked.
Tai paused.
"I don't know," he said "Yes. No."
Matt shrugged.
"At least someone else out there is just as confused as me," he said "Will I see you again?"
"I don't think so," Tai said.
He reached for the doorhandle, then paused.
"Matt."
"Yes?"
"Contact TK," Tai said "I know his phone number. Call him. Make friends with him. Tell him that I don't mind."
"Thank you Tai."
Tai told him the phone number, then walked out of the room.
"Goodbye," Matt whispered, staring after him.
* * * *
"Daddy!" Taro said "Where did you go?"
"Early morning walk," Tai said with a smile "Hey."
"Getting fit?" Setsu asked with a giggle.
"I don't need to!" Tai said "Are you implying that I am not in the peak of physical fitness?"
Setsu just giggled. Tai gave her a kiss on the head and looked at Tamé.
"Hey sweetheart," he said with a smile.
"Morning Tai."
Tai went into the kitchen to grab breakfast. Reaching into his pocket, he took out the card with Matt's address on it. For a moment he paused. He could go and see Matt again, talk to him, renew their friendship...
He shook his head. Opening the pedal bin, he dropped the card inside. Then he grabbed his bowl of cereal and went to join his family.
The End.
By the way, Tamé means 'unselfish' and Setsu means 'fidelity' which was just my small (rather awful) joke. Taro just means 'first born son' If you know any better Japanese boys names (with the meanings) that would fit the fic better, please tell me. I'd love it to fit. Any Japanese boys names would be good as I don't know all that many.
By the Empress of the Eclipse
Disclaimer - Digimon isn't mine.
Contains TAITO!!!!!!!!! Also contains some swearing including one use of the 'f' word.
I just want to mention that the band I refer to in this is not the same as my normal band. I like them. These ones are....strange.
What was I ON when I wrote this? That can't have been sugar on my cornflakes this morning! Sorry about this, I know it's strange. But I think it's quite good (just to blow my own trumpet...)
Tai lay on the bed, tossing and turning. He was restless and couldn't relax. Beside him, Tamé stirred, obviously disturbed by his inability to drop off. Tai swallowed. She'd know. Tamé always knew.
"You're thinking about that place again, aren't you?"
Tai said nothing. He knew that there was no point saying anything. Tamé sighed.
"There's money downstairs in the jug. If you wake the kids, I will kill you. Don't be out too late and don't let anyone see you."
"No," Tai agreed softly. Getting up, he dressed quickly "Goodnight Tamé."
"Goodnight Taichi."
Tai walked the empty streets like an autom, his feet knowing the way without his brain helping. As he did every time he walked these roads, he wondered why, how he'd ended up in this situation.
He'd always been happy when he'd been younger. Nobody was happy all the time but Tai had found himself a place, found himself happy for the majority of the time. Until he'd noticed his growing attraction to Matt.
Matt. Tai clenched his fists but his feet keep walking, undisturbed by his minds anger. Matt had been Tai's best friend. He'd been everything to Tai, even before Tai had realised that he was thinking of Matt in a more than friendly way. Tai had hidden his feelings, not wanting to spoil a perfectly good friendship. But somehow Matt had grown more and more attractive until Tai had blurted out his feelings.
He still remembered Matt's expression of horror and shock, then his gentle rejection. He'd gone home and cried for days, unable to face the fact that Matt didn't want him.
Then when he'd returned to school, it had been different. He couldn't face Matt and he didn't think Matt could face him. The two had avoided each other for the rest of their high school years. Then Matt had gone off with his band and he'd lost touch with Tai. Tai had pushed it all away, pretending that it wasn't true, that he had never felt for Matt in any way except friendship. He'd married Tamé and had children with her, had a good job, thought he was happy.
Only then something had changed. Without really knowing why, Tai found himself attracted to men again. He found himself dreaming about men at night, fantasising about random guys. He hated himself for it but he couldn't stop. Eventually, desperate for some sort of satisfaction, he'd slept with one of the guys at work who everyone knew was gay.
It had been a one-off, they both knew it. Both of them were married with kids. The guy had given Tai an address and told him to go there next time he needed a guy. A brothel.
Tai had resisted the urges. He didn't want to betray Tamé anymore than he had to. But he kept the address. And eventually, he found himself going there, making his way through the streets and entering.
It was owned by a married couple, Isas and Seki Anno. They were nice, friendly and they liked Tai's money. They were happy enough to oblige when Tai always requested a blonde male of around his age, preferably with blue eyes and one who was tall. They never asked why. Never asked any questions in fact. So Tai had continued to go, each time requesting the same thing and getting a brief satisfaction from it.
Eventually, it had become too much. He confessed to Tamé, expecting her to separate from him. She hadn't. She'd basically told him that if he had to do that, he could continue to go to his brothel. He could continue to sleep with men. But he could never start a relationship with any of them and he could never bring them home. Never let anyone else know. It was his business and their secret.
Things had changed between them then. Tai tried to hold himself back, resist the urge for as long as possible until it became too great. Each time, Tamé showed her disapproval in small ways, so outsiders wouldn't notice. Everyone thought their marriage was perfect.
His feet had arrived. Sighing, Tai entered.
"Mr Yagami," Isas said "It's been a while."
Tai nodded.
"Whatever."
"Your usual?"
Tai nodded.
"Please."
Isas smiled.
"I have the perfect gentleman for you," he said "Fits the bill in every way and rather attractive too. Small attitude problem but that won't bother you, will it?"
"No," Tai said.
Isas led Tai straight to a room and pushed him in.
"Customer for you!"
Tai sighed. The man had his back to him. He had long blonde hair and a tally willowy frame.
"Hi," Tai said "I'm...."
"Whatever," the man muttered "You want to fuck or what?"
Tai frowned. That voice...
"Sure," he said.
The man turned round.
"Then lets....Tai?"
Tai froze, staring at the face. It was older, thinner, looking tired. The deep blue eyes were embittered, hard. But Tai would know it anywhere.
"Matt?"
Matt stood quite still, staring at him. Tai gaped back.
"What...what are you doing here?" he asked eventually.
"Me? What about you?" Matt asked.
Tai felt himself turn red. He decided to pass over the question.
"How long have you been here?"
"A while."
"I've never seen you here before," Tai said.
"I'm very popular," Matt said, with a slightly bitter smile.
Tai continued to stare at him.
"You're working as a prostitute?" he said, unable to keep shock and slight disapproval out of his voice.
Matt scowled.
"You're hiring prostitutes?" he snapped.
Tai swallowed.
"I didn't even know you were in Odiaba," he said quietly.
"No," Matt said, suddenly looking sad "I lost touch with everyone."
"Even TK?"
"Even TK."
Tai couldn't help looking shocked now. TK and Matt had always been so close.
"Matt....why?"
Matt said nothing. He hung his head slightly and sighed.
"Why?" Tai repeated "Matt, what's happened to you? How have you got into this situation?"
"I needed money," Matt said flatly "I've got a daughter. No mother. And...and I want to do well for her. So...so I found myself work."
"You've got a daughter?" Tai whispered.
Matt nodded. A flicker of pride crossed his face.
"Her names Takara Ishida. She's six years old and she's gorgeous," he said "She looks a lot like TK did when he was young."
"Who was the mother?" Tai asked.
Matt turned away.
"No one important," he said "She wasn't interested anyway. She would have aborted her if I hadn't paid her."
"You paid her?"
Matt said nothing but a tremor ran through his body.
"I couldn't lose my baby," he said eventually "So I paid her. She carried her, she gave birth to her. I did the rest. Takara's never had a mother. I'm all she needs."
"Where is she now?" Tai asked.
Matt paused.
"Seki or another one of the girls who isn't needed takes care of her in a back room," he said eventually "The only charge is that I have to work free for one night or so a month. It's better than most things."
"You mean she's here right now?" Tai asked.
Matt nodded.
"When I work late, she sleeps here," he said "She doesn't mind."
"Does she know?"
"Of course not! She's only six! I've told her that I do things for people to make them happy. She accepts that. She knows that she mustn't tell anyone about it."
Tai stared at the back of Matt's head.
"Where do you live?"
"None of your business."
"You can't make some little girl spend half her time round here!" Tai said "It's not right!"
"What else can I do?" Matt snapped "She's my daughter! I have to take care of her!"
"You could get a job!" Tai said "You could get any job! I remember your exam results! You could be anything!"
"To earn enough money to help my daughter? She needs things Tai. Do you have kids?" Matt asked.
"Yes," Tai said "A daughter Setsu and a boy, Taro. Setsu's eight and Taro's six."
"And you know how much they need?"
"Yes," Tai said "But if I was a single parent, I wouldn't ever turn to something this sordid..."
"Sordid!" Matt hissed "You hire us Tai! You hire prostitutes and use us for a night and pay and you call me sordid!"
Tai hung his head. Matt sat down on the bed with a thump and ran his hands through his hair. Tai sat next to him after a moment.
"Are you a single parent?" Matt asked quietly.
"No. I'm still married to their mother."
"Does she know about this?"
"Yes," Tai said quietly.
Matt looked at him.
"And she allows this?"
"She doesn't want me to leave," Tai said "She doesn't want our children to grow up alone. She loves me."
"More fool her," Matt said.
"What do you mean?" Tai said angrily.
"What's the point?" Matt asked flatly "She can't make you happy. She must know that if you have to come to a cheap brothel to stay happy and stay with her. She must know that you don't love her."
"I do love her!" Tai said "I just...I can't help myself."
"Can't help yourself," Matt repeated bitterly "Poor little Tai. Can't get rid of this sickness."
"I never said that!" Tai said angrily "You said it."
"Right, aren't I?"
Tai shook his head and looked away.
"I never thought this would happen," he muttered.
"To me? Or you?"
"Both," Tai said.
They sat in silence for a while, not saying anything.
"What happened to the band?" Tai asked at last.
"I don't want to talk about that."
Tai nodded slowly. Matt looked at him.
"Why did you get married?"
"I fell in love."
"You said you..." Matt's voice broke off.
"Loved you?" Tai said sadly "Yeah. I did. But you said that you didn't want me. So I got over it."
"And 'became straight?'" Matt said "So that's why you're here, getting your rocks off with strangers."
"Stop bringing it back to that!" Tai said angrily.
Matt turned his head away.
"Sorry."
"Why did you lost contact with TK?"
"Tai..."
"Tell me."
"We fought just before I left," Matt said quietly.
"Fought about what?" Tai asked.
Matt swallowed.
"He thought I was selfish," he said "Because...because he knew that I liked you but I didn't say when you confessed how you felt."
Tai stared at him.
"Why?" he said eventually.
Matt smiled bitterly.
"You were you Tai," he said "I could love you. You couldn't love me. If you loved me, everything would change. So I rejected you."
"I don't understand your logic at all," Tai said.
Matt shrugged.
"No," he said "I don't either. But it made sense then. TK said it was unfair. He said that I was an idiot and unfair and cruel to you. I got angry with him. And then I left. I've written to him a couple of times. But I don't know where he is now."
Tai stared at him.
"Good story huh?" Matt said with a bitter laugh "Boy who had everything going for him leaves down, ends up a single father and a male prostitute. Sounds like a soap opera story!"
His face twisted.
"I never had everything going for me," he said "Not really. I never really had anything."
"Just a brother who loved you and friends," Tai said.
Matt shook his head and didn't reply. Tai stared at him.
"Do you enjoy this work?" he said.
"What do you think?"
"I don't know," Tai said "I don't understand you anymore."
Matt sighed.
"Would you enjoy it?" he asked "Sometimes it's not so bad. I only cater for guys and if the guy is cute, it's not so awful."
"What about the risk of diseases?"
"You know Isas better than that."
"Yes," Tai said "You always use a condom or you don't use these facilities!"
Matt laughed at Tai's imitation.
"You sound exactly like him," he said.
Tai shrugged.
"How much do you earn?" he asked.
Matt shrugged.
"It varies," he said "Enough for me and Takara to live on okay."
"Matt, you can't carry on like this," Tai said.
"Why not?" Matt asked "It's not perfect but we're okay. Takara's happy. She wears nice clothes, she gets good marks in school, she has nice toys. Why can't I carry on?"
"How do you think she'll feel when she's older? Knowing her father's a prostitute, that he sells himself."
"She'll understand!" Matt snapped "She'll understand because she'll know that otherwise, she'd have had nothing!"
"When she's older, she won't think like that!" Tai said "She'll hate you because you do something sordid and disgusting - "
Matt slapped him. It wasn't a very hard slap but Tai was startled by it.
"It's not sordid!" Matt hissed "You use this place yourself you little hypocrite! You come here regularly to screw somebody or be screwed by somebody and then you tell me that being a prostitute is sordid! Has it occurred to you that we maybe see you as sordid? You come here, you pay us. That's how we get our money. If you didn't pay it, we wouldn't have a business."
Tai struggled to think of an answer. He couldn't.
"Matt...."
Matt shook his head.
"Tai, I have to keep going," he said wearily "Don't you see? I have to keep my life afloat."
"But you're miserable," Tai said.
"I'm not miserable."
"When I came in, you didn't even want my name," Tai said "You just wanted to screw me and get it over with. You're miserable."
"No."
"Liar."
Matt looked at him. He shook his head.
"Why does it matter to you?" he asked softly "Why do you care Tai? No one cares about me."
"I care!" Tai said "We're friends!"
"We haven't been friends for years."
Tai sighed. He wanted to argue but he couldn't.
"You've changed," he said softly.
"I'm older," Matt said quietly "Things - and people - always change."
"You're cynical," Tai said.
"I've always been cynical."
Tai said nothing. Matt sighed and ran a hand through his hair again. They sat silently for a while.
"I should go," Tai muttered, standing up.
"You haven't had your money's worth," Matt said "Don't you want the shag you came for?"
"I can't sleep with you," Tai said.
"Why not?"
"I know you."
"Can't face sleeping with someone you know?"
Tai didn't say anything. He didn't think he could explain. Maybe Matt was right. He wasn't sure.
"Tamé doesn't want me sleeping with anyone who I'm in a relationship with," he said.
"We're not in a relationship."
"We're friends."
"We're not."
Tai said nothing. He stared at Matt.
"So you'll just go home," Matt said "Not get satisfaction?"
"What do you think I should do?" Tai said "Sleep with you?"
"I'd like that."
Tai looked at him.
"You would?" he said, a little startled.
"You said you loved me. You say we're friends," Matt said softly "You can give me feelings." His voice got quieter "You don't often get feelings."
Tai paused, indecisive.
"You'll be paying for the sex no matter what," Matt said quietly "You might as well have some satisfaction."
Tai slowly moved over to the bed and sat down uncertainly next to Matt. Matt slid a hand round his neck and kissed him hungrily. Half-forgotten feelings for his friend resurfaced and Tai surrendered into Matt's embrace, pushing everything away from his mind until it was finished.
* * * *
"I have to go," Tai said quietly, lying cuddled in Matt's arms "For one thing, Tamé and the kids will worry if I'm not back for morning. And I'm amazed that Isas hasn't already come and battered down the door to kick me out."
Matt nodded. Tai began to dress.
"Tai."
Tai looked at Matt. Matt stood up and pushed something into his hand.
"It's my address," he muttered "I....would you like to come and speak to me? At my house."
Tai looked at it.
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because Tamé doesn't want me to ever get involved with anyone I meet here," Tai said.
"Your wife."
Tai nodded. Matt sighed.
"Are you happy?" he asked.
Tai paused.
"I don't know," he said "Yes. No."
Matt shrugged.
"At least someone else out there is just as confused as me," he said "Will I see you again?"
"I don't think so," Tai said.
He reached for the doorhandle, then paused.
"Matt."
"Yes?"
"Contact TK," Tai said "I know his phone number. Call him. Make friends with him. Tell him that I don't mind."
"Thank you Tai."
Tai told him the phone number, then walked out of the room.
"Goodbye," Matt whispered, staring after him.
* * * *
"Daddy!" Taro said "Where did you go?"
"Early morning walk," Tai said with a smile "Hey."
"Getting fit?" Setsu asked with a giggle.
"I don't need to!" Tai said "Are you implying that I am not in the peak of physical fitness?"
Setsu just giggled. Tai gave her a kiss on the head and looked at Tamé.
"Hey sweetheart," he said with a smile.
"Morning Tai."
Tai went into the kitchen to grab breakfast. Reaching into his pocket, he took out the card with Matt's address on it. For a moment he paused. He could go and see Matt again, talk to him, renew their friendship...
He shook his head. Opening the pedal bin, he dropped the card inside. Then he grabbed his bowl of cereal and went to join his family.
The End.
By the way, Tamé means 'unselfish' and Setsu means 'fidelity' which was just my small (rather awful) joke. Taro just means 'first born son' If you know any better Japanese boys names (with the meanings) that would fit the fic better, please tell me. I'd love it to fit. Any Japanese boys names would be good as I don't know all that many.