New Beginnings

New Beginnings

Part 4

As Dawn made her way up the stairs toward her bedroom, she detected a thumping which was becoming louder and louder. She cocked her head to the side in an attempt to discern the cause of the noise. The sound definitely wasn't the refrigerator. That old beast made more of a growling whine. No, the noise was coming from upstairs. It was a somewhat familiar sound. One she used to hear when Riley…oh God! 'Oh God' she thought, sprinting up the stairs and slamming her way into the older sister's bedroom.

"You are NOT…"

Dawn stopped speaking suddenly at the sight before her. Spike was sprawled out on the bed, with blankets twisted around him and a scowl on his face that would frighten the Master. An old boot lay on the dresser where knickknacks used to reside. Broken porcelain figurines were splintered across the carpeting. She could barely see into the bathroom, but figured that must be Mr. Gordo floating in the toilet.

"What are you guys doing in here?! This better not be some kinky sex thing."

Spike/Buffy finally budged from their deer caught in the headlights stare. "Thanks so much for that imagery, Dawn." Spike yanked himself out of the mess of beddings.

"There. Are you happy now, Slayer? You've bothered li'l sis?"

Dawn just shook her head, then retreated to her own bedroom, calling out behind her, "And you think I'm the child in this house."

"Just take the other boot off, alright?"

"Not if you're just going to smother me with those bloody blankets. I may not have to breathe, but I can get claustrophobic, you know."

"Give me a break, Spike. This body is freezing. I can't sleep without warming up a little…and before you even think about saying you can warm me up…DON'T!"

"Wha'? Me? Say something crude? You must be thinking of another vampire. I've heard terrible things about those ruffians."

Smirk in place, Spike yanked his shoe off, tossing it off the bed arbitrarily. Upon hearing another breaking of glass, Buffy huffed, threw Spike onto the pillow and covered up with every blanket on the bed. "Now, can you manage to sleep without irritating me, fang-boy?"

Spike didn't bother to answer. He just let out a bit of a snicker and allowed Buffy to make herself comfortable.

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"Absolutely, Giles. I'll start work on it right away." Willow set the receiver back into its base.

"What does he have in mind?" Tara yawned through her sentence.

"He was too hurried to go into detail, but he wants me…us to tweak the soul restoration spell, just the way I had mentioned earlier. Do you have any ideas?" Willow looked up at Tara with a quiet desperation. Sure, she had offered the solution, but she didn't know how to actually do it.

"Don't worry sweety. We'll figure it out together." Tara slipped her arm around the red-head and lead her to the bookshelf.

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Her bed never felt this comfortable. I mean really comfy. The sheets were so soft and the mattress gave in just the right places, comforting the pain she felt in her back and neck from Spike's incredible fall of 20 stories. But then Buffy realized that she wasn't the one who found it so cozy, it was Spike. After all, he was used to lying down for the day on that hard sarcophagus. 'Imagine,' she thought to herself, 'going back to that cold, dark place every day. No family. No friends. No refrigerator with fresh raspberries, diet coke, or skim milk. No microwave to warm hot chocolate. No carpet to pad your feet when you go to the bathroom at 3am.' It was no wonder he spent so much time at her house with Joyce. She closed his eyes once again, in an attempt to sleep in this comfortable bed, but inside a strange, cold body with another inhabitant.

But before she could drift off, loud, vivid images filled her mind. It was like watching a movie from the inside.

"It's always about the blood." Spike's voice whispered from nowhere.

Then she saw flashes of the past, each accompanied with a roar of sound…no…voices. Too many for any to be heard. Between the flashes, there was silence. A Chinese girl ruthlessly bitten by a brown haired vampire. Dru and that same vampire joined in carnal pleasure in front of the corpse. A flash of blood following a quick slash of a neck by black fingernails. Angelus, long hair, evil smile, blood dripping down his lips. Darla smashing the head of a young William the Bloody into the stone wall of a church. Angelus and Dru naked and covered in blood. William Walthrop's exposing his neck with tears running down his face. The anointed one killed at the hands of Spike. A blonde girl fighting demons, green blood covering her face and hands. A flash of blonde hair in a fury. "Remind me why we keep you around, William." Black finger nailed hands breaking a young boy's neck. Bloodied fists. A black haired and blonde haired vampire seductively dancing in a pool of red liquid. That same blonde vamp in a wheel chair watching Angelus and Dru fuck. Spike beating Angelus bloody with a crow bar. The blonde girl drinking at the far table in the corner, watching her friends dance. That same girl having sex with a large, dumb looking man. "That's when I kill you." The dumb man with blood dripping down several wounds on his arms, neck and chest. A small, white, sterile room. Fluorescent lights in the ceiling and the sound of a clink. A bloody penny held in a pair of fingers. The blonde girl dancing seductively in a club. Three bags of red fluid. A coffee cup reading "kiss the librarian". A bottle of cheap beer. A broken bottle of beer in an eye, streaming blood. Spike having sex with a dumb looking blonde vampire. A wooden door. Another wooden door. The first door with the blonde's face in the window. The second door opening to an older man in tweed. Spike chained up in a tub. Spike standing outside a house, surrounded with cigarette butts. Spike in a wheelchair, sitting outside a door. William in the corner. Laughter. Dru crying, "Where's Daddy gone?" William watching a young girl in a beautiful dress. A group of familiar, angry people throwing Spike out into the sunlight. The blonde throwing a wad of cash at a vampire on the ground. Spike attacking a red-head but then pulling back in pain. Dru in the arms of a large, antlered demon. Riley staking the blonde vamp in the heart. Looking down at a bloodied hand. Angel with pokers in his torso. Running through the woods away from men in camo. The blonde girl and vampire beating each other. Spike in front of the blonde girl with a shotgun. Buffy and Spike in a moment of passion. The blonde vamp sitting up suddenly in a fervor. Spike chained to the ceiling, dripping blood on the floor beneath. A young girl kneeling at a fresh grave. The young girl on a sarcophagus, leaning in toward the blonde vampire. Spike holding his bloodied belly, running from a large demon's nest with eggs. Spike driving an RV. A vampire drinking blood from a bag. The red-head smiling in his direction. Xander offering a light. Spike flying up a tower. The young girl with a look of terror. Spike standing in the foyer of the blonde's house.

Then, abruptly, the slide show ceased.

"Its always about Buffy." Spike's voice rang out.

Buffy lay there stunned. The utter feeling of loneliness and destruction that prevailed in the beginning of Spike's dream had, by the end, been replaced with a sincere feeling of belonging and peace. The fact that he held such strong, terrifying emotions was completely unknown to Buffy…until now. Out of the myriad of emotions that had accompanied each glimpse she had gotten into the life of William the Bloody, one struck her. The loneliness. No matter what Spike had tried to do with his excess of time, he was never able to shake the feeling of being outside. That is, until he came across Buffy. The emotion that Spike gave off was too familiar…too real. How many times had she stood in the middle of a crowded room feeling like the only soul there? She tried to imagine living over a century feeling that way. The body she inhabited shuddered.

"Buffy? What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Just go back to sleep." She should have been content to let her catharsis for him wither away. It should have been enough for her just to chalk this experience up as another good mark in the Spike column, then continue to verbally fence with him. But something compelled her to speak.

The vampire was just about to do what his companion suggested when his mouth started to move again. "I lied. It's not nothing."

Spike sighed. "What did I do now?"

"Nothing…yet."

"Don't worry, luv. It won't be long." She giggled just a tad.

"I think that's the first time you ever sniggered at one of my jokes."

'Sniggered?' Spike reached up and rubbed his forehead. "Is there some reason you're keepin' me awake, pet?"

"You were dreaming."

At first, he didn't think twice about it. But then he realized what that could mean. He had seen just a few images from Buffy's memories, and that was while she was awake and in control of herself.

Buffy felt Spike's body tense up. He sat them up cautiously, then spoke with obvious forced flippancy. "So, wha'd the ol' Gulliver have to say?"

"Probably more than you'd like me to know." His feet began to nervously twitch. "But don't worry. Nothin' bad." She skipped a beat. "Except for all the blood. Geeze."

"Just tell me what's got your knickers in a twist, alright?"

"Spike…" She used Spike's right hand, placing it on his left hand. "I've never thanked you properly."

He was very tempted to say she never thanked him at all, but knew that would only serve to punt her right out of this rare mood she was in. "It's the least I can do."

"To prevent the loneliness?"

Spike froze stiff. That was something no one on this earth knew about. Something he was terrified of and embarrassed about. Big Baddies weren't lonely for god's sake. "No, because I…it's just that…"

"It's okay, Spike. I feel it too. Like you're never quite a part of anything in your life. You're always on the outside looking in."

When he didn't respond to her, she just continued. "Like, I'm not really a part of this Slayer gig. I separated from the Council long ago. But I'm not part of 'civilian' life either. I never will be. I'll never get to do the things they do. Despite Giles and Willow and Xander and the rest, I'm still on the outside."

He couldn't believe it. This was the most Buffy had said to him in…well, forever. "I can only imagine how hard it was for you all those years. Angelus not really accepting you. Dru never really being yours. Then you got the chip and really didn't belong anywhere."

It was then that he realized she wasn't speaking to him at all. This was all just floating around in her head.

"But I'm not lonely any more, Slayer. You and Dawn. You gave me purpose, you know. A reason to belong in this bloody world."

Buffy recoiled in reflection.

"What would take away your loneliness?" The question caught her off guard. She had certainly thought about it on more than one occasion, but never came up with a good, succinct answer.

"I-I don't know. Someone I can be myself with. Someone who can know everything and not judge me."

"What about your friends? They seem to be pretty into you."

"They don't know everything about me. They wouldn't understand it all."

"How do you know?"

"What? You're not psycho-babbling me now are you?"

"No. I just want to know what it is you can't tell your Watcher and your groupies."

Her initial reaction was to feel a bit exposed by this vampire and to tell him to mind his own business. But she somehow got a vision of Spike on his knees at her dead body, weeping. Then came the sight of Glory beating the shit out of him as he uttered with all his strength, "you'll never find out who the soddin' key is." If she couldn't bare her soul for the man who did the same for her, then who could she bare it to?

"I can't tell them…"

"Go on, luv." Now Spike was leaning forward, hugging his knees, as if he were moving in closer to give her his full attention.

"…how much like Faith I really am. I hated her, you know. Hated her more than I ever hated a vampire or demon, because she was me."

They sat quiet for a while.

"You're afraid of becoming her? Yeah, I can see that. And I can also see if you went to Red or the Watcher they'd just tell yah 'Oh, you'll never turn into Faith, Buffy. You're too good inside.' And you don't wanna hear that. The dark side of your being is inviting. It's scary and invigoratin'. It makes you hot. It makes you feel like you finally belong to somethin'. I get that."

Spike always spoke volumes of truth. She could always count on him for the straight score.

"It's one of the reasons you fell for Angelus."

And she could always count on him to say something stupid.

To Be Continued...