New Beginnings

New Beginnings

Part 5

Just as it slipped out, Spike realized he said something he aughtn't have. Then Buffy grew silent. Granted, it was the truth, but there's a time and a place for everything…and this was not it.

"Listen, Slayer. Just forget I said anything, alright?" He bowed his head and rubbed his brow in frustration.

"No! You said it. Let's talk about it for a minute."

'Too bad she's not in her own body. She's so gorgeous when she's mad.'

"Then no wonder you fell in love with me. I can't remember any more than a handful of times when you didn't infuriate me."

"Ooh, big word."

"Shut up Spike! I want to know what you meant about Angel. Come on. You've already said it, now cough it up. What does loving Angel have to do with any of this?"

It wasn't anything she didn't already know. Just something she had yet to admit to herself. Spike took a deep breath and closed his eyes as he began to speak. "You…" This was going to end badly for both of them, he could tell. "You see…" His face grew dark in defeat. There was no way to sugar coat this any more. If she didn't believe him, so be it.

"A normal man isn't gonna be good enough for you, pet."

She attempted to cross her arms and give a snarl, but realized she couldn't stare daggers at him from inside, so she just sat quietly.

"I once told Fish-boy that you needed a little monster in your man. Now, maybe that was more for his benefit than the actual truth, but you know it as well as I do. No white bread farm boy can bloody cut it. Can he?"

No response.

"You have a black place deep down in your soul. I can feel it. It's evil, dark, frightening, but most of all, it's there. You can't give yourself to someone who doesn't understand that. Someone who doesn't share that."

"And, so this means I should just give up on finding someone who treats me decent, who takes me out for burgers and talks to me about The Backstreet Boys because I have to settle for…you?"

That hurt. Almost as much as the "you're beneath me" comment. But he knew she wasn't really angry with him for pointing out the truth. She was pissed that it was the truth. God. Didn't she realize by now that she'll never be a house wife with a husband, 2.6 kids and a white picket fence, even if she did abandon her superhero duties? She was not made from the same mold as other humans. She was different; as close to a vampire as you can get without losing your soul. Fair. No. But that's life.

"It seems to me being true to yourself by sharing your soul with a like creature isn't settling. It's as close to happy as you're ever gonna get. It's as close to happy as anyone ever gets."

The next sentence wouldn't come out of his mouth. It sat right there on his tongue as he tried to keep himself from thinking it too loud. She had already hurt him too many times. Why invite another shoot down? No, he decided not to say it.

"And I just want to be the one who makes you happy." How the hell did that slip out? Spike was terrified. It didn't even sound like his voice as it squeaked through. 'Damnit! Can't I ever keep my gob shut?'

Hearing no response, Spike just held on for dear life, awaiting the tirade of "you could never make me happy" and "I would never love you" and who could forget "you disgust me". That was always his 'favorite'. 'She wouldn't bloody stake me, would she? I mean, she would die too, and…'

Suddenly, Spike felt Buffy's emotions hit him like a Mack truck. Resignation. Acceptance. A tear pooled in his eye. "Yeah, I get that," Buffy whispered, echoing Spike's words from earlier.

The rest of the day, they lay without words, without motion, thoughts trading back and forth, sleep taking them eventually.

Some time in the middle of their sleep, Spike gently snuggled up his body in the Slayer's blankets, only to awaken in the morning to find them carefully discarded to the side.

TBC