Title: Be Evil
Author: Kyra
Rating: PG-13
Archive: You'd better....
Feedback: Sure. Even if it is just to tell me to do something better with my free time
Summary: Xanatos offers some advise for the grads
Warnings: A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
Disclaimer: Me own nothing. Cept me english skills. Me good English. Rite, Mr.Hummer?
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Class of 2002…
Be Evil.
If I could recommend one life altering and ultimately fulfilling choice for the future, evilness would be it. The long term benefits of evil have been proved by dictators and tyrants, whereas the rest of my advice is pure genius and is completely reliable. You will listen to my advice, now!
Enjoy the power and beauty of your perceived innocence. Oh, never mind. You morons will not understand the power and beauty of your perceived innocence until everyone realizes that you are an evil mastermind. But trust me (do it!) in twenty years, you'll look back on your life, from your hidden tropical paradise, and recall in a way you will never fully comprehend how much you could have done.
You're fat. Except it. You're ugly, fat, and are lucky if you ever are as sexy and gorgeous as I am.
Plot for the future. Your plots will pay off, but algebra is useless. Completely useless. You will never need math in the future. If you use math, you will be blindsided by a truck on some idle Tuesday, or whenever else I find the time to hunt you down.
Do one thing every day that scares you. Like jumping off a building. But call me first, so I can be there to give you a little push.
Don't sing. You can't sing. You will never be able to sing. Just because your fat does not make you an opera star.
Be reckless with other peoples' hearts. Break the trust of the people closest to you, then rub it in their faces. (We all know whom I'm talking about? Don't we, Qui-Gon.)
For force sake, wear deodorant.
Use your jealously to your advantage to kill those who betray you. Always be ahead. If you fall behind, you're a looser. The race is long, so there will be many people to beat along the way. If you can't beat them, cheat.
Remember the insults you receive to use them later. But, kill those who insult you. If you succeed in doing this, you are performing a positive check on humanity.
Keep your old love letters to use as blackmail at a later date. Burn down your bank.
Speed through school zones. And, occasionally, schools.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. You can't change anything. If you're a looser at twenty-two, you will still be a looser at forty-four. It's unavoidable for ugly people like you, Andrea Kuzik.
Avoid pits of acid.
Don't be kind to anything. Especially kittens. You wont miss them when they're gone.
You wont marry, in fact don't even try. Don't have children, your genes are flawed so sterilize yourself with a hacksaw. Cause divorces and forget anniversaries. Whatever you do, congratulate yourself greatly. Whatever mayhem you have caused has taken away the choices of others. They didn't deserve their happiness, anyway.
Enjoy your body. No one else will. Especially if your body is an instrument.
Dance in traffic wearing a turtle suit. People hate turtles.
Take direction manuals from complicated products. Sell them back at a heightened price.
Read beauty magazines. You might get the hint that you're ugly, and get some suicide tips.
Get to know your parents. You never know when you can milk them for cash, or a vast army to destroy your enemies. Or when some troglodyte might kill your father for no reason.
Annoy your siblings. Annoy other peoples' siblings. Send them dead rabbits in the mail.
Understand that friends come and go, but they wont go any where if you lock them in your basement. Work hard to burn all bridges, because the older you get, the more time you will have on your hands to make others lives a living hell.
Live on Coruscant once, but leave before you become brainwashed by Jedi propaganda. Live on Telos once. Leave before I catch you.
Travel in pairs. You never know when I'm going to get you, so you might as well have a human shield along.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Mines will explode. Jedi are stupid. You must prevent yourself from growing old. And when you do, you can blow up more mines and leave more ominous messages for the Jedi to take to heart.
Extort your elders.
Expect others to support you. Steal their trust funds. Marry an elderly wealthy spouse and create an accident. Either way, money is easy to find if you know whom to rob.
Don't mess with your hair, or you will get a ridiculously short haircut and no one will like you. Right, Obi-Wan?
Be careful whose advice you buy. Some people might be trying to steer you down the wrong path, towards the light and good. Advice is what old people can remember, so be careful. Old people are crafty bastards that need to be locked in a home before they kill your father. However, it is easy to sell them old junk that you've fished from the disposal, wiped it off, painting over the ugly parts, and selling it for more than it was worth.
Tease bald people and break windows.
But believe me on the evilness. You'd better, or I will find you and your family.
(I bet you're wishing you were me right now...)
End