Unknown Happiness
by MacD
Characters, setting and all that ain't mine. The title's from a Maher Shalal Hash Baz song, though they probably nicked it from someone else anyway. I think I might have posted the first couple of hundred words of this under another title, but most of it's new.
Charles Ruttheimer III lay sprawled comfortably on the sand, his head resting in his lover's lap. He looked up at that beautiful face, and felt completely happy. He could feel the sand sticking to his skin, but it was too hot for clothes, and they could always go for another swim in a bit. And this way he got to see his lover naked, which was always nice. In fact, it was one of his very favourite things. He thought he'd complain about the sand anyway, and see if he could work the conversation round to his very favourite thing. "Mack?", he said, in a fake-whiney voice. "There's sand all over me, and I don't like it."
Michael MacKenzie looked down at him, expressionless. "All over you?"
"Mmm. I don't like it. Would you brush it off for me?"
Still no expression, though there was a glint in the eyes now. "I don't know. That sounds like it would involve pretty intimate contact, and I've heard that kind of thing can lead to inappropriate behaviour."
"You mean this kind of inappropriate behaviour?" Chuck pushed his head a little further back into Mack's lap, and grinned when he heard his lover sigh softly. "Well, I suppose we couldn't have any of that, could we?"
Mack laughed, and leant over to plant a kiss on Chuck's lips. He straightened up, and said "Now, Mr RUTTHEIMER, what do we have HERE? It does not look like you are concentrating on the HISTORY of Hawaii at all. In fact, a more cynical man than I might suggest that you are DAYDREAMING. Please assure me that this is not SO."
Upchuck's eyes shot open. Mr DeMartino was standing right in front of him, eyes bulging, and the rest of the class were staring at him. He panicked. Had people seen him staring at Mack? He could tell from the way they were staring, they all knew what he was thinking ... He forced himself to calm down. He hadn't been staring, because his eyes had been closed. And no-one could tell. Just say something dirty about girls, he told himself, and it'll be alright like it always is. He forced a leer onto his face.
"Daydreaming, Mr DeMartino? Of course not. I was just contemplating some of the lovely ladies from this class doing the hula dance ... grrr".
DeMartino spluttered with anger, all of the girls in the class, and some of the boys, shouted abuse or just groaned with derision, and Upchuck sighed with relief.
*****
He was extremely glad when the class was finally finished. Lunchtime, but he didn't really feel like he could face the lunch hall. He decided to go and sit on the roof. He didn't go up there very often, but he always had at least one copy of the key on him. It was one of his best earners, one of his most successful little enterprises. The key to it (and that little mental pun pleased him, he had to admit it) was giving the appearance of exclusivity. Everyone who bought a copy of the key from him thought theirs was the only one. All he had to do was to persuade them to keep quiet about it, and not to go up there to often, to minimise the potential for embarrassing 'double-bookings', as he thought of it, and they were willing to pay through the nose. Everyone wanted their own private, secret place.
He was relieved to find the rooftop deserted. There was a chilly wind, and some threatening-looking rainclouds; not perfect make-out weather. He sat down, leaning against the door, and sighed. The roof key thing, like all his 'enterprises', like his whole life, it was all about manipulation. He was so good at manipulating people, he thought. He had the whole school thinking he was a massive pervert, which wasn't really a good thing, but at least they thought he was a heterosexual pervert. And, though he still found this hard to admit, even to himself, even on a deserted rooftop, he really wasn't. The class earlier had been pretty typical. He would be sitting there, feeling bored, and his mind would start to wander. And suddenly he would find himself thinking about, well, boys. Football players, normally. Mack, or Kevin, or someone like that. It wasn't a particularly new thing, but it seemed like it was getting worse recently. Harder to control.
He still had fantasies about girls, of course. They were different, though. They were more conscious, more deliberate. And they were always pretty much just about the sex. These daydreams that he'd started having about boys, they had more to them than just sex. They were more, well, more romantic. Even soppy. Like something out of a bad cheap romance novel, but gayer.
*****
Downstairs, in the hall, Mack was talking to Jamie, and shaking his head. He really hated being captain of the football team sometimes.
"You're failing all of your classes? All of them?"
"Uh, yeah. But I think I'm failing English worse than the others, or something. Mr O'Neil made me stay behind at the end of class, and was, like, talking to me and stuff."
Mack waited for more information, but none seemed forthcoming. "And ...", he prompted, but Jamie just looked confused. Mack sighed. "What did Mr O'Neil actually say to you?"
"Oh." Jamie squinted with concentration. "I think, like, he wants me to start doing better. He said if I don't he'll have to talk to my parents, and stuff. He says maybe it's because of the football, and practicing, and maybe I should quit."
Mack rubbed his face with his hands. The team needed Jamie, even if he was an idiot. "Right. I'll talk to O'Neil, and persuade him not to try and get your parents to make you quit. You'll need to improve your marks, though, even just a little bit. You should get some tutoring." Jamie nodded in agreement, but looked completely blank. Mack sighed again. "Don't worry, I'll sort that out too."
Jamie looked more cheerful for a second, and then frowned. "Uh, you're not going to get that weird chick to do it, are you? You know, Quinn's cousin or sister or whatever she is? You know, that weird chick?"
"Daria?"
"Uh, yeah. She scares me."
Mack laughed. "Don't worry, I'll find someone else. I doubt Daria would do it, anyway. And, to be honest, she kind of scares me, too. Not that you heard that from me, alright?"
*****
Upchuck had a terrible afternoon. An hour of Mr O'Neil, during which he found himself staring at Kevin. And then two hours of Mrs Birch, who kept threatening to castrate himself for unspecified crimes against her gender. And then, finally, time to go home. Where he could ... where he could what, exactly? Sit, and try not to be gay? It wasn't like he had the busiest social life.
"Upchuck!"
He froze, panicking. That was Mack. Why would Mack want to talk to him? He had seen him staring, he was going to kill him ... a range of horrendous possibilities flashed through his mind, and by the time they'd stopped, Mack was standing in front of him, greeting him. He managed to make some kind of noise in response. Did people normally say hello to you before they hit you? Mack was a pretty polite person, so he supposed it was possible. Wait, something was being said.
" ... and since I know you're pretty much an 'A' student, I thought of you. So, are you willing?"
Upchuck had no idea what he was talking about. He'd missed the first part of that, what with the crippling fear, and everything. Still, the end of the sentence hadn't sounded violent. He forced himself into something approaching coherence. "Uh, sorry, it's been a long day. Could you go through that again?"
"Jamie - you know Jamie White, yeah? On the football team, couple of years below us, really dim? Anyway, he's failing classes, especially English, and so I said I'd fix him up with a tutor. I thought if you tutored him on Monday, Wednesday and Fridays, at lunch, that would probably do it. Just English, maybe some maths, going over the class work. He can pay $30 a week, and O'Neil said you can use his classroom. So, do you want to do it?"
Upchuck thought about it. Money was always good. And it wasn't like he had anything better to do. Probably good to keep busy, take his mind off, you know, other stuff. "Sure, why not?"
"Great. I'll tell him, and get him to meet you in O'Neil's room tomorrow lunchtime. Thanks."
*****
Upchuck had O'Neil's class just before lunch the next day, so he just stayed behind while everyone else left. O'Neil hung around for a bit, gabbling on about what a good thing tutoring was, and what a great opportunity it was for everyone, and so on, and then he wandered off, much to Upchuck's relief. With the room to himself, he sat himself down behind O'Neil's desk. It didn't really give him the sense of power he'd been hoping for, but it was nice to see the room from a different angle. The door opened, slowly, and Jamie peered round it.
"Hi, Jamie. Come in and grab a seat."
Jamie ventured in, looking nervous. "Uh, hi. You're Chuck, right?"
Wow. Mack must have told him that. Hardly anyone called him Chuck. He was Charles or Charlie at home, and Upchuck to pretty much everyone else. Mack must have figured that 'Upchuck' wasn't really going to help the whole teacher-pupil serious learning vibe.
He got Jamie to sit down, and to tell him about what he thought were the main problems he was having in class. Jamie wasn't too sure about this, but it didn't take too long for Upchuck to work out that the main problem was almost certainly O'Neil. The man was useless. It was the same in his own class. The people who did well were mostly people like Daria, who would do well whoever was teaching, and everyone else was left to flounder in a sea of confusion and New Age-isms. Jamie obviously wasn't a genius, and he didn't seem to be the most dedicated student either, but Upchuck reckoned that, all things considered, he'd probably be passing English if it was taught half-decently.
They spent most of the rest of the lunch-break working out what they should focus on in the rest of their sessions, and then chatted about the football team for the last five or ten minutes. Upchuck actually liked highschool football. He enjoyed doing the commentary for the home games, but he enjoyed just watching it as well. He actually felt proud of the team when they one, which always kind of surprised him because, while not as cynical as some of his classmates, he wasn't exactly full of the old school spirit. The bell went, and they agreed to meet up in two days for the next tutoring session.
*****
A couple of weeks went by. Upchuck actually found himself enjoying the tutoring. It lent a structure to his week; he started to spend some of his evenings preparing material. It gave him something to do other than look at pornography or wander round town making suggestive remarks to girls. And, much to his surprise, he found that he actually got on pretty well with Jamie. He wasn't very clever, and he didn't have a huge conversational range. His favourite subject was football, which suited Upchuck. It was nice to actually have someone to talk to about it. The main thing about Jamie, though, was that he was really nice. He was extremely enthusiastic, and eager to please, and he always looked genuinely happy when he finally understood a tricky topic. And he always seemed interested in what Upchuck had to say; he actually seemed to look up to him, even to respect him. Well, that might be going a bit far. But Jamie was actually willing to say "hi" to him when they passed in the school corridors, even when he was with his friends, and there weren't very many people who would do that.
Upchuck started to feel like his life was going a bit better. Of course, he thought, it didn't say much about his life if it could be improved simply by having someone to talk to, but it had been. The tutorial sessions became the most important part of his week. They had quickly fallen into a soothingly predictable pattern. They would spend twenty minutes or so wrestling with Shakespeare or whatever, and then talk about sports for a while, and then Upchuck would listen patiently while Jamie waxed lyrical, or at least as lyrical as he ever got, about the deep and wondrous beauty of Quinn Morgendorffer. And that's where they were this afternoon.
" ... and, like, she's got really pretty eyes?"
"Mmm."
"And, like, really nice hair?"
"Un huh."
"Yeah, she's great. Hey, it's almost time for class, man, we should get going. Oh, yeah, I was going to say, me and the guys from the team are going to the pizza place after school. You want to come along?"
And Upchuck had no idea what to say. He couldn't remember anyone actually asking him to go anywhere with them since he was about ten. It just didn't happen. That's why he was always the commentator, or the DJ; otherwise, no-one would want him at any kind of social event. He realised Jamie was waiting for an answer.
"Uh, yeah, that sounds cool. I'll see you there, then."
Upchuck was kind of nervous at the pizza place. Most of the football team had threatened to beat him up at one time or another. Hell, most of the school had. But everyone actually seemed to accept his presence, and Jamie was careful to include him in the conversation, and he soon found himself joining in, talking about football, and no-one was rude to him. All in all, it was the most fun he'd had a for a long time. Again, he thought, that was an awfully pathetic reflection on his life, but he wasn't going to worry about that now. He was still feeling exceptionally cheerful when he went to bed that evening.
And then, that night, he dreamt about having sex with Jamie.
He woke up in the morning, the dream fresh and vivid in his mind, and for a moment he felt incredibly happy, the emotion lingering from the dream. It had been so nice. And then he realised exactly what he'd been dreaming about, and he felt terrible. Way to go, he thought. You start to have some chance to have a normal life, you have someone who is almost a sort of friend, and you mess everything up with your stupid gay dream.
He wasn't tutoring Jamie that day, and didn't actually see him at all, which he was thankful for. He couldn't stop thinking about the dream; it haunted him all day. That happy feeling he'd had on waking, before realising it was a dream, it had been like when he was little and he'd sometimes dreamt it was Christmas, and then woken up and it was just a normal Monday. Everything had been wonderful for a tiny moment, and then it wasn't. And this time it was worse, because he knew that having the dream, or having the dream and liking it, liking it so much he couldn't forget it, he knew that that wasn't good. He just hoped it was a fluke.
*****
It wasn't a fluke. In the next week he had the dreamt about the same thing three times; and, worse, he'd started to think about Jamie in a different way. Before he'd been so caught up, first in the challenge of teaching, and then, very quickly, in the pleasant surprise of having someone to talk to, that he'd hardly noticed what Jamie looked like. Now it was all he could think about. They'd be talking, about work, or football, or how nice and bouncy Quinn's hair had been that morning, and he'd just be thinking: "Wow, his eyes are so beautiful." Or, even worse: "Wow, he looks so strong." He knew, without a doubt, with a clear and absolute certainty, that what he wanted more than anything, more than anything he'd ever wanted before, was just to hold Jamie, and to be held by him. And, with the same complete certainty, he knew it would never happen. He was just going to have to get over it; he didn't want to lose Jamie's friendship.
He lasted another week. It had been torture. It had been getting so that all he could think about was Jamie. Without really noticing, he found that he'd learnt Jamie's timetable, so that he always knew where he was; on days without tutorials, he would find himself wandering out of his way, on the offchance that he might pass Jamie in a corridor. He couldn't sleep properly at night, he could hardly hold a conversation. He was even thinking about going to see the school counselor for advice. And then he kissed Jamie.
Afterwards, he could never work out how it happened. They'd been sitting side by side, looking at a maths problem, and they'd turned towards each other, and for the hundredth time that hour Upchuck had thought how beautiful those eyes were, and then ... well, then he'd kissed him. It just sort of happened. It only lasted for half a second, and then they both reeled back in shock. It took a long moment for either of them to say anything. Jamie looked angry. Not as angry as Upchuck thought he would, but pretty angry.
"Man ... " His voice trailed off, and he stood, and punched the wall, quite hard. Upchuck winced. "Man, I should kill you. You just kissed me."
"Uh, yeah. Sorry."
Jamie stepped towards him, fists clenched, and then stopped, and turned, and walked out of the room. Upchuck slumped into his chair, head in hands, and stayed like that for a long time.
*****
He didn't see Jamie for the rest of the week, or the week after that. For the first few days he went to O'Neill's classroom when they had a tutorial scheduled, but Jamie never turned up, and he couldn't tell whether he was disappointed or relieved. He didn't really know how he was feeling most of the time, to be honest. He just felt kind of numb. He probably looked terrible as well. In fact, he knew that he looked terrible, because Jane Lane actually asked him if he was feeling alright one lunchtime. He tried to think of something lecherous to say, but couldn't, and ended up just telling her that he was fine and politely thanking her for asking, which earned him a funny look. He couldn't face talking anymore, so he excused himself and went to find somewhere quiet to sit. Kevin and Brittany were on the roof, so he ended up sitting in O'Neill's empty classroom. He was so lost in thought that it took him a while to notice that Jodie had come in.
"Uh, hi?"
"Hi. I hope I'm not disturbing you? You looked kind of preoccupied, but I was wanting to talk to you about something."
"Um, no, it's alright. What do you want to talk about?" He couldn't work out what she wanted. Some kind of voluntary work, or a petition, or to vote for her for something, he guessed. He couldn't think why else she'd want to talk to him.
"Well, someone came to me with a problem, and I couldn't really help them very much. I thought you might be able to help."
Right, now he was really confused. "Um, okay."
"I was sitting in Mac's garden the other day - I might as well tell you the whole story, so you can get the context and everything, alright? - I was sitting in Mac's garden the other day. He was out, he'd had to go and run a chore, and I was waiting for him. Anyway, Jamie White came along, looking for Mac ..."
Upchuck felt himself redden. He had no idea what to say. He opened his mouth, but no words came out. Jodie watched him, and then, guessing that he wasn't going to speak after all, continued.
" ... So I told him that Mac was out, and could I take a message? But he said no, he wanted to speak to Mac. He mumbled about wanting some advice. Now, I don't know Jamie very well, but mostly he's kind of happy-seeming, you know. He's always pretty calm, except when he's fussing like an idiot over Daria's little sister. Anyway, he seemed really upset, and he was making even less sense than he usually does. I suppose I should have stayed out of it, but I couldn't help it. He looked really upset. So I said, what kind of advice are you looking for? Because Mac is not great about stuff that involves, you know, feelings. They upset him. He's good on football, though."
When Upchuck thought about it later, he noticed that Jodie had been rambling a lot. Not very characteristic, he thought. Maybe she had just been nervous. Or maybe it had been deliberate, an attempt to calm him down. If that was true, it had pretty much worked. Hypnotised by the flow of words, he had almost forgotten to panic.
"And eventually I got him to admit that, yes, he was wanting advice over a feelings-type issue. And after even more discussion, I got him to tell me what the problem was. I had to promise repeatedly not to tell anyone though, so I suppose I really shouldn't be telling you. He made me swear on pain of my life. And that of my entire family, I think. He really didn't want me to tell anyone, that was the main thing. I think he trusted me because I was older, and Mac's girlfriend and stuff though. He kept calling me Ma'am. He's very polite, isn't he?"
Upchuck managed to nod, and Jodie continued.
"So, anyway, this went on for a while. Eventually I left a note for Mac, and we went to a coffee shop, and once we were there, at the very back, he finally told me what the problem was. He said that a guy had kissed him."
Upchuck made a strangled noise. He thought desperately. What else had Jamie said? Was there any way out of this? He decided to try to bluff his way through. "Really? How terrible. Um ... did he say who it was?"
Jodie smiled. It was quite a kind smile, but it also looked genuinely amused. "It's alright, Upchuck. I know it was you."
He couldn't think of anything to say, and couldn't bear to look at Jodie anymore. He lowered his head to the cool wood of the desk and closed his eyes. She sat and watched him for a moment, and then continued.
"So, he told me that a guy had kissed him. On the mouth. It took him about ten minutes to get that far."
"He wants to kill me, yeah?" He mumbled that into the desk.
"Actually, no. That was sort of his problem. He didn't want to kill you, though, as he put it, according to 'the rules' he really should. His problem was that what he really wanted to do was ... well, he wanted to kiss you some more."
Upchuck straightened, and stared at her. He could feel his mouth hanging open. Jodie grinned at him.
"He finally admitted that he'd been having what he called "feelings" for you for a while. But being, you know, a sixteen year-old highschool football player, he'd been trying extremely hard to ignore them. But ... he thinks you're great." She laughed at Upchuck's surprised expression. "You didn't know that? He thinks you're the cleverest, wittiest, coolest person he's ever met. Once he eventually found the courage to use your name, I had to endure about twenty minutes of him telling me all about how great you were."
"Oh. No-one should have to endure that."
She smiled again. "I'm glad you've found your voice again, anyway. And after a while he realised that he didn't just think you were great in a buddy sort of way, you know? And that was pretty hard for him. He's not exactly the deepest person. I think all of this required more complicated thought than he's really equipped for."
"That's a bit unfair ..." Upchuck found himself saying, and then looked into Jodie's calm gaze. "Well, I suppose it isn't really. Sorry."
"It's alright. It's nice that you want to defend him. You care about him?"
It was said casually, but Upchuck thought it might have been said that way deliberately. Jodie was looking at him in a very serious, careful way.
He thought about it for a moment, thought about what he was risking. "Yes. Yes, I think I really do. He ... "He looked away, embarrassed, voice quiet. "He's all I think about. It sounds stupid, but ..."
Jodie nodded, as if confirming something she'd suspected. "Good. Do you know where he lives?" Upchuck nodded, confused. Of course he knew where Jamie lived. He couldn't actually remember how he'd learnt it, it was just one of those things he knew, like Jamie's timetable, or his star sign, or his blood type. God, he couldn't believe he knew all those things. He'd gotten side-tracked again, he noticed; Jodie was speaking again. "Right. He's expecting you at seven tonight. Alright?"
And once again, he was speechless and open-mouthed. "What?"
"I told him I'd sort it out. I hope you don't mind? But, you know, I thought that if it was left up to the two of you it would probably be years before you got yourselves sorted out."
He was shaking his head with wonder now. "Thank you", was all he could say. And then "Um, why? Why have you gone to all this trouble?"
She shrugged. "I don't do all those activities entirely because my parents make me, you know. I sort of like helping people, and this seemed a pretty good way to do it." She grinned again. "And, if you must know, I think you'd make a cute couple."
*****
Upchuck felt sick as he parked near Jamie's house and got out. There was a funny taste in his mouth, and his legs were kind of wobbly. He hesitated at the end of the garden path, and then, once he forced himself to walk to the door, he hesitated again, hand hovering over the doorbell. After what seemed like a very long time, he managed to ring it, and the door opened immediately. Thinking back a long time later, Upchuck realised that Jamie must have actually been waiting just inside; but at the time he was hardly capable of any thought at all. They stood and stared at each other, on the doorstep. Jamie started to say something, and stopped, and then Upchuck tried, and stopped as well. Eventually they realised that the door was still open.
"Uh, come in."
"Thank you. Um ... it's, um, a nice house."
And then silence. They were standing in the hall, now.
"Uh ... my parents are away for a couple of days." Jamie looked incredibly shy when he said that, and Upchuck felt a wave of affection rush over him, overcoming his own shyness. He stepped closer to the other boy, and looked at him for a moment, and then gently took his hand. They stood like that for a while in the quiet hallway, facing each other, holding hands, not talking, and then Jamie carefully placed his lips on Upchuck's. And after that a lot of things seemed to happen very fast and very slowly, all at once, and everything seemed surprising and yet inevitable, and it was an evening Upchuck would never forget, though he always had trouble remembering the exact sequence of things. It was more the feelings he remembered, the excitement, a little fear, and the surprising moments of humour. Upchuck had never realised that sex was funny. It was thrilling and moving and all the other things he'd expected as well, and it was a little sad in a strange and quite a nice way, but it was also funny, and all these things were mixed together. And it was wonderful.
*****
Upchuck woke first. He felt incredibly rested, like he'd slept for ages, and for a moment he thought they might be late for school, but it was only six, and he hadn't really been asleep for long. He lay there for a while, smiling, thinking about why he hadn't been asleep for very long. Jamie moved in his sleep beside him, curling into him, and even the thoughts of the previous night faded from Upchuck's mind and he just lay there, not thinking, just enjoying being beside his lover. He knew, in the back of his mind, that a lot of trouble lay ahead. Telling people, not telling people; neither was an easy course of action. There was going to be a lot of unpleasantness. But for the moment he felt completely relaxed, completely happy, and that was enough.
by MacD
Characters, setting and all that ain't mine. The title's from a Maher Shalal Hash Baz song, though they probably nicked it from someone else anyway. I think I might have posted the first couple of hundred words of this under another title, but most of it's new.
Charles Ruttheimer III lay sprawled comfortably on the sand, his head resting in his lover's lap. He looked up at that beautiful face, and felt completely happy. He could feel the sand sticking to his skin, but it was too hot for clothes, and they could always go for another swim in a bit. And this way he got to see his lover naked, which was always nice. In fact, it was one of his very favourite things. He thought he'd complain about the sand anyway, and see if he could work the conversation round to his very favourite thing. "Mack?", he said, in a fake-whiney voice. "There's sand all over me, and I don't like it."
Michael MacKenzie looked down at him, expressionless. "All over you?"
"Mmm. I don't like it. Would you brush it off for me?"
Still no expression, though there was a glint in the eyes now. "I don't know. That sounds like it would involve pretty intimate contact, and I've heard that kind of thing can lead to inappropriate behaviour."
"You mean this kind of inappropriate behaviour?" Chuck pushed his head a little further back into Mack's lap, and grinned when he heard his lover sigh softly. "Well, I suppose we couldn't have any of that, could we?"
Mack laughed, and leant over to plant a kiss on Chuck's lips. He straightened up, and said "Now, Mr RUTTHEIMER, what do we have HERE? It does not look like you are concentrating on the HISTORY of Hawaii at all. In fact, a more cynical man than I might suggest that you are DAYDREAMING. Please assure me that this is not SO."
Upchuck's eyes shot open. Mr DeMartino was standing right in front of him, eyes bulging, and the rest of the class were staring at him. He panicked. Had people seen him staring at Mack? He could tell from the way they were staring, they all knew what he was thinking ... He forced himself to calm down. He hadn't been staring, because his eyes had been closed. And no-one could tell. Just say something dirty about girls, he told himself, and it'll be alright like it always is. He forced a leer onto his face.
"Daydreaming, Mr DeMartino? Of course not. I was just contemplating some of the lovely ladies from this class doing the hula dance ... grrr".
DeMartino spluttered with anger, all of the girls in the class, and some of the boys, shouted abuse or just groaned with derision, and Upchuck sighed with relief.
*****
He was extremely glad when the class was finally finished. Lunchtime, but he didn't really feel like he could face the lunch hall. He decided to go and sit on the roof. He didn't go up there very often, but he always had at least one copy of the key on him. It was one of his best earners, one of his most successful little enterprises. The key to it (and that little mental pun pleased him, he had to admit it) was giving the appearance of exclusivity. Everyone who bought a copy of the key from him thought theirs was the only one. All he had to do was to persuade them to keep quiet about it, and not to go up there to often, to minimise the potential for embarrassing 'double-bookings', as he thought of it, and they were willing to pay through the nose. Everyone wanted their own private, secret place.
He was relieved to find the rooftop deserted. There was a chilly wind, and some threatening-looking rainclouds; not perfect make-out weather. He sat down, leaning against the door, and sighed. The roof key thing, like all his 'enterprises', like his whole life, it was all about manipulation. He was so good at manipulating people, he thought. He had the whole school thinking he was a massive pervert, which wasn't really a good thing, but at least they thought he was a heterosexual pervert. And, though he still found this hard to admit, even to himself, even on a deserted rooftop, he really wasn't. The class earlier had been pretty typical. He would be sitting there, feeling bored, and his mind would start to wander. And suddenly he would find himself thinking about, well, boys. Football players, normally. Mack, or Kevin, or someone like that. It wasn't a particularly new thing, but it seemed like it was getting worse recently. Harder to control.
He still had fantasies about girls, of course. They were different, though. They were more conscious, more deliberate. And they were always pretty much just about the sex. These daydreams that he'd started having about boys, they had more to them than just sex. They were more, well, more romantic. Even soppy. Like something out of a bad cheap romance novel, but gayer.
*****
Downstairs, in the hall, Mack was talking to Jamie, and shaking his head. He really hated being captain of the football team sometimes.
"You're failing all of your classes? All of them?"
"Uh, yeah. But I think I'm failing English worse than the others, or something. Mr O'Neil made me stay behind at the end of class, and was, like, talking to me and stuff."
Mack waited for more information, but none seemed forthcoming. "And ...", he prompted, but Jamie just looked confused. Mack sighed. "What did Mr O'Neil actually say to you?"
"Oh." Jamie squinted with concentration. "I think, like, he wants me to start doing better. He said if I don't he'll have to talk to my parents, and stuff. He says maybe it's because of the football, and practicing, and maybe I should quit."
Mack rubbed his face with his hands. The team needed Jamie, even if he was an idiot. "Right. I'll talk to O'Neil, and persuade him not to try and get your parents to make you quit. You'll need to improve your marks, though, even just a little bit. You should get some tutoring." Jamie nodded in agreement, but looked completely blank. Mack sighed again. "Don't worry, I'll sort that out too."
Jamie looked more cheerful for a second, and then frowned. "Uh, you're not going to get that weird chick to do it, are you? You know, Quinn's cousin or sister or whatever she is? You know, that weird chick?"
"Daria?"
"Uh, yeah. She scares me."
Mack laughed. "Don't worry, I'll find someone else. I doubt Daria would do it, anyway. And, to be honest, she kind of scares me, too. Not that you heard that from me, alright?"
*****
Upchuck had a terrible afternoon. An hour of Mr O'Neil, during which he found himself staring at Kevin. And then two hours of Mrs Birch, who kept threatening to castrate himself for unspecified crimes against her gender. And then, finally, time to go home. Where he could ... where he could what, exactly? Sit, and try not to be gay? It wasn't like he had the busiest social life.
"Upchuck!"
He froze, panicking. That was Mack. Why would Mack want to talk to him? He had seen him staring, he was going to kill him ... a range of horrendous possibilities flashed through his mind, and by the time they'd stopped, Mack was standing in front of him, greeting him. He managed to make some kind of noise in response. Did people normally say hello to you before they hit you? Mack was a pretty polite person, so he supposed it was possible. Wait, something was being said.
" ... and since I know you're pretty much an 'A' student, I thought of you. So, are you willing?"
Upchuck had no idea what he was talking about. He'd missed the first part of that, what with the crippling fear, and everything. Still, the end of the sentence hadn't sounded violent. He forced himself into something approaching coherence. "Uh, sorry, it's been a long day. Could you go through that again?"
"Jamie - you know Jamie White, yeah? On the football team, couple of years below us, really dim? Anyway, he's failing classes, especially English, and so I said I'd fix him up with a tutor. I thought if you tutored him on Monday, Wednesday and Fridays, at lunch, that would probably do it. Just English, maybe some maths, going over the class work. He can pay $30 a week, and O'Neil said you can use his classroom. So, do you want to do it?"
Upchuck thought about it. Money was always good. And it wasn't like he had anything better to do. Probably good to keep busy, take his mind off, you know, other stuff. "Sure, why not?"
"Great. I'll tell him, and get him to meet you in O'Neil's room tomorrow lunchtime. Thanks."
*****
Upchuck had O'Neil's class just before lunch the next day, so he just stayed behind while everyone else left. O'Neil hung around for a bit, gabbling on about what a good thing tutoring was, and what a great opportunity it was for everyone, and so on, and then he wandered off, much to Upchuck's relief. With the room to himself, he sat himself down behind O'Neil's desk. It didn't really give him the sense of power he'd been hoping for, but it was nice to see the room from a different angle. The door opened, slowly, and Jamie peered round it.
"Hi, Jamie. Come in and grab a seat."
Jamie ventured in, looking nervous. "Uh, hi. You're Chuck, right?"
Wow. Mack must have told him that. Hardly anyone called him Chuck. He was Charles or Charlie at home, and Upchuck to pretty much everyone else. Mack must have figured that 'Upchuck' wasn't really going to help the whole teacher-pupil serious learning vibe.
He got Jamie to sit down, and to tell him about what he thought were the main problems he was having in class. Jamie wasn't too sure about this, but it didn't take too long for Upchuck to work out that the main problem was almost certainly O'Neil. The man was useless. It was the same in his own class. The people who did well were mostly people like Daria, who would do well whoever was teaching, and everyone else was left to flounder in a sea of confusion and New Age-isms. Jamie obviously wasn't a genius, and he didn't seem to be the most dedicated student either, but Upchuck reckoned that, all things considered, he'd probably be passing English if it was taught half-decently.
They spent most of the rest of the lunch-break working out what they should focus on in the rest of their sessions, and then chatted about the football team for the last five or ten minutes. Upchuck actually liked highschool football. He enjoyed doing the commentary for the home games, but he enjoyed just watching it as well. He actually felt proud of the team when they one, which always kind of surprised him because, while not as cynical as some of his classmates, he wasn't exactly full of the old school spirit. The bell went, and they agreed to meet up in two days for the next tutoring session.
*****
A couple of weeks went by. Upchuck actually found himself enjoying the tutoring. It lent a structure to his week; he started to spend some of his evenings preparing material. It gave him something to do other than look at pornography or wander round town making suggestive remarks to girls. And, much to his surprise, he found that he actually got on pretty well with Jamie. He wasn't very clever, and he didn't have a huge conversational range. His favourite subject was football, which suited Upchuck. It was nice to actually have someone to talk to about it. The main thing about Jamie, though, was that he was really nice. He was extremely enthusiastic, and eager to please, and he always looked genuinely happy when he finally understood a tricky topic. And he always seemed interested in what Upchuck had to say; he actually seemed to look up to him, even to respect him. Well, that might be going a bit far. But Jamie was actually willing to say "hi" to him when they passed in the school corridors, even when he was with his friends, and there weren't very many people who would do that.
Upchuck started to feel like his life was going a bit better. Of course, he thought, it didn't say much about his life if it could be improved simply by having someone to talk to, but it had been. The tutorial sessions became the most important part of his week. They had quickly fallen into a soothingly predictable pattern. They would spend twenty minutes or so wrestling with Shakespeare or whatever, and then talk about sports for a while, and then Upchuck would listen patiently while Jamie waxed lyrical, or at least as lyrical as he ever got, about the deep and wondrous beauty of Quinn Morgendorffer. And that's where they were this afternoon.
" ... and, like, she's got really pretty eyes?"
"Mmm."
"And, like, really nice hair?"
"Un huh."
"Yeah, she's great. Hey, it's almost time for class, man, we should get going. Oh, yeah, I was going to say, me and the guys from the team are going to the pizza place after school. You want to come along?"
And Upchuck had no idea what to say. He couldn't remember anyone actually asking him to go anywhere with them since he was about ten. It just didn't happen. That's why he was always the commentator, or the DJ; otherwise, no-one would want him at any kind of social event. He realised Jamie was waiting for an answer.
"Uh, yeah, that sounds cool. I'll see you there, then."
Upchuck was kind of nervous at the pizza place. Most of the football team had threatened to beat him up at one time or another. Hell, most of the school had. But everyone actually seemed to accept his presence, and Jamie was careful to include him in the conversation, and he soon found himself joining in, talking about football, and no-one was rude to him. All in all, it was the most fun he'd had a for a long time. Again, he thought, that was an awfully pathetic reflection on his life, but he wasn't going to worry about that now. He was still feeling exceptionally cheerful when he went to bed that evening.
And then, that night, he dreamt about having sex with Jamie.
He woke up in the morning, the dream fresh and vivid in his mind, and for a moment he felt incredibly happy, the emotion lingering from the dream. It had been so nice. And then he realised exactly what he'd been dreaming about, and he felt terrible. Way to go, he thought. You start to have some chance to have a normal life, you have someone who is almost a sort of friend, and you mess everything up with your stupid gay dream.
He wasn't tutoring Jamie that day, and didn't actually see him at all, which he was thankful for. He couldn't stop thinking about the dream; it haunted him all day. That happy feeling he'd had on waking, before realising it was a dream, it had been like when he was little and he'd sometimes dreamt it was Christmas, and then woken up and it was just a normal Monday. Everything had been wonderful for a tiny moment, and then it wasn't. And this time it was worse, because he knew that having the dream, or having the dream and liking it, liking it so much he couldn't forget it, he knew that that wasn't good. He just hoped it was a fluke.
*****
It wasn't a fluke. In the next week he had the dreamt about the same thing three times; and, worse, he'd started to think about Jamie in a different way. Before he'd been so caught up, first in the challenge of teaching, and then, very quickly, in the pleasant surprise of having someone to talk to, that he'd hardly noticed what Jamie looked like. Now it was all he could think about. They'd be talking, about work, or football, or how nice and bouncy Quinn's hair had been that morning, and he'd just be thinking: "Wow, his eyes are so beautiful." Or, even worse: "Wow, he looks so strong." He knew, without a doubt, with a clear and absolute certainty, that what he wanted more than anything, more than anything he'd ever wanted before, was just to hold Jamie, and to be held by him. And, with the same complete certainty, he knew it would never happen. He was just going to have to get over it; he didn't want to lose Jamie's friendship.
He lasted another week. It had been torture. It had been getting so that all he could think about was Jamie. Without really noticing, he found that he'd learnt Jamie's timetable, so that he always knew where he was; on days without tutorials, he would find himself wandering out of his way, on the offchance that he might pass Jamie in a corridor. He couldn't sleep properly at night, he could hardly hold a conversation. He was even thinking about going to see the school counselor for advice. And then he kissed Jamie.
Afterwards, he could never work out how it happened. They'd been sitting side by side, looking at a maths problem, and they'd turned towards each other, and for the hundredth time that hour Upchuck had thought how beautiful those eyes were, and then ... well, then he'd kissed him. It just sort of happened. It only lasted for half a second, and then they both reeled back in shock. It took a long moment for either of them to say anything. Jamie looked angry. Not as angry as Upchuck thought he would, but pretty angry.
"Man ... " His voice trailed off, and he stood, and punched the wall, quite hard. Upchuck winced. "Man, I should kill you. You just kissed me."
"Uh, yeah. Sorry."
Jamie stepped towards him, fists clenched, and then stopped, and turned, and walked out of the room. Upchuck slumped into his chair, head in hands, and stayed like that for a long time.
*****
He didn't see Jamie for the rest of the week, or the week after that. For the first few days he went to O'Neill's classroom when they had a tutorial scheduled, but Jamie never turned up, and he couldn't tell whether he was disappointed or relieved. He didn't really know how he was feeling most of the time, to be honest. He just felt kind of numb. He probably looked terrible as well. In fact, he knew that he looked terrible, because Jane Lane actually asked him if he was feeling alright one lunchtime. He tried to think of something lecherous to say, but couldn't, and ended up just telling her that he was fine and politely thanking her for asking, which earned him a funny look. He couldn't face talking anymore, so he excused himself and went to find somewhere quiet to sit. Kevin and Brittany were on the roof, so he ended up sitting in O'Neill's empty classroom. He was so lost in thought that it took him a while to notice that Jodie had come in.
"Uh, hi?"
"Hi. I hope I'm not disturbing you? You looked kind of preoccupied, but I was wanting to talk to you about something."
"Um, no, it's alright. What do you want to talk about?" He couldn't work out what she wanted. Some kind of voluntary work, or a petition, or to vote for her for something, he guessed. He couldn't think why else she'd want to talk to him.
"Well, someone came to me with a problem, and I couldn't really help them very much. I thought you might be able to help."
Right, now he was really confused. "Um, okay."
"I was sitting in Mac's garden the other day - I might as well tell you the whole story, so you can get the context and everything, alright? - I was sitting in Mac's garden the other day. He was out, he'd had to go and run a chore, and I was waiting for him. Anyway, Jamie White came along, looking for Mac ..."
Upchuck felt himself redden. He had no idea what to say. He opened his mouth, but no words came out. Jodie watched him, and then, guessing that he wasn't going to speak after all, continued.
" ... So I told him that Mac was out, and could I take a message? But he said no, he wanted to speak to Mac. He mumbled about wanting some advice. Now, I don't know Jamie very well, but mostly he's kind of happy-seeming, you know. He's always pretty calm, except when he's fussing like an idiot over Daria's little sister. Anyway, he seemed really upset, and he was making even less sense than he usually does. I suppose I should have stayed out of it, but I couldn't help it. He looked really upset. So I said, what kind of advice are you looking for? Because Mac is not great about stuff that involves, you know, feelings. They upset him. He's good on football, though."
When Upchuck thought about it later, he noticed that Jodie had been rambling a lot. Not very characteristic, he thought. Maybe she had just been nervous. Or maybe it had been deliberate, an attempt to calm him down. If that was true, it had pretty much worked. Hypnotised by the flow of words, he had almost forgotten to panic.
"And eventually I got him to admit that, yes, he was wanting advice over a feelings-type issue. And after even more discussion, I got him to tell me what the problem was. I had to promise repeatedly not to tell anyone though, so I suppose I really shouldn't be telling you. He made me swear on pain of my life. And that of my entire family, I think. He really didn't want me to tell anyone, that was the main thing. I think he trusted me because I was older, and Mac's girlfriend and stuff though. He kept calling me Ma'am. He's very polite, isn't he?"
Upchuck managed to nod, and Jodie continued.
"So, anyway, this went on for a while. Eventually I left a note for Mac, and we went to a coffee shop, and once we were there, at the very back, he finally told me what the problem was. He said that a guy had kissed him."
Upchuck made a strangled noise. He thought desperately. What else had Jamie said? Was there any way out of this? He decided to try to bluff his way through. "Really? How terrible. Um ... did he say who it was?"
Jodie smiled. It was quite a kind smile, but it also looked genuinely amused. "It's alright, Upchuck. I know it was you."
He couldn't think of anything to say, and couldn't bear to look at Jodie anymore. He lowered his head to the cool wood of the desk and closed his eyes. She sat and watched him for a moment, and then continued.
"So, he told me that a guy had kissed him. On the mouth. It took him about ten minutes to get that far."
"He wants to kill me, yeah?" He mumbled that into the desk.
"Actually, no. That was sort of his problem. He didn't want to kill you, though, as he put it, according to 'the rules' he really should. His problem was that what he really wanted to do was ... well, he wanted to kiss you some more."
Upchuck straightened, and stared at her. He could feel his mouth hanging open. Jodie grinned at him.
"He finally admitted that he'd been having what he called "feelings" for you for a while. But being, you know, a sixteen year-old highschool football player, he'd been trying extremely hard to ignore them. But ... he thinks you're great." She laughed at Upchuck's surprised expression. "You didn't know that? He thinks you're the cleverest, wittiest, coolest person he's ever met. Once he eventually found the courage to use your name, I had to endure about twenty minutes of him telling me all about how great you were."
"Oh. No-one should have to endure that."
She smiled again. "I'm glad you've found your voice again, anyway. And after a while he realised that he didn't just think you were great in a buddy sort of way, you know? And that was pretty hard for him. He's not exactly the deepest person. I think all of this required more complicated thought than he's really equipped for."
"That's a bit unfair ..." Upchuck found himself saying, and then looked into Jodie's calm gaze. "Well, I suppose it isn't really. Sorry."
"It's alright. It's nice that you want to defend him. You care about him?"
It was said casually, but Upchuck thought it might have been said that way deliberately. Jodie was looking at him in a very serious, careful way.
He thought about it for a moment, thought about what he was risking. "Yes. Yes, I think I really do. He ... "He looked away, embarrassed, voice quiet. "He's all I think about. It sounds stupid, but ..."
Jodie nodded, as if confirming something she'd suspected. "Good. Do you know where he lives?" Upchuck nodded, confused. Of course he knew where Jamie lived. He couldn't actually remember how he'd learnt it, it was just one of those things he knew, like Jamie's timetable, or his star sign, or his blood type. God, he couldn't believe he knew all those things. He'd gotten side-tracked again, he noticed; Jodie was speaking again. "Right. He's expecting you at seven tonight. Alright?"
And once again, he was speechless and open-mouthed. "What?"
"I told him I'd sort it out. I hope you don't mind? But, you know, I thought that if it was left up to the two of you it would probably be years before you got yourselves sorted out."
He was shaking his head with wonder now. "Thank you", was all he could say. And then "Um, why? Why have you gone to all this trouble?"
She shrugged. "I don't do all those activities entirely because my parents make me, you know. I sort of like helping people, and this seemed a pretty good way to do it." She grinned again. "And, if you must know, I think you'd make a cute couple."
*****
Upchuck felt sick as he parked near Jamie's house and got out. There was a funny taste in his mouth, and his legs were kind of wobbly. He hesitated at the end of the garden path, and then, once he forced himself to walk to the door, he hesitated again, hand hovering over the doorbell. After what seemed like a very long time, he managed to ring it, and the door opened immediately. Thinking back a long time later, Upchuck realised that Jamie must have actually been waiting just inside; but at the time he was hardly capable of any thought at all. They stood and stared at each other, on the doorstep. Jamie started to say something, and stopped, and then Upchuck tried, and stopped as well. Eventually they realised that the door was still open.
"Uh, come in."
"Thank you. Um ... it's, um, a nice house."
And then silence. They were standing in the hall, now.
"Uh ... my parents are away for a couple of days." Jamie looked incredibly shy when he said that, and Upchuck felt a wave of affection rush over him, overcoming his own shyness. He stepped closer to the other boy, and looked at him for a moment, and then gently took his hand. They stood like that for a while in the quiet hallway, facing each other, holding hands, not talking, and then Jamie carefully placed his lips on Upchuck's. And after that a lot of things seemed to happen very fast and very slowly, all at once, and everything seemed surprising and yet inevitable, and it was an evening Upchuck would never forget, though he always had trouble remembering the exact sequence of things. It was more the feelings he remembered, the excitement, a little fear, and the surprising moments of humour. Upchuck had never realised that sex was funny. It was thrilling and moving and all the other things he'd expected as well, and it was a little sad in a strange and quite a nice way, but it was also funny, and all these things were mixed together. And it was wonderful.
*****
Upchuck woke first. He felt incredibly rested, like he'd slept for ages, and for a moment he thought they might be late for school, but it was only six, and he hadn't really been asleep for long. He lay there for a while, smiling, thinking about why he hadn't been asleep for very long. Jamie moved in his sleep beside him, curling into him, and even the thoughts of the previous night faded from Upchuck's mind and he just lay there, not thinking, just enjoying being beside his lover. He knew, in the back of his mind, that a lot of trouble lay ahead. Telling people, not telling people; neither was an easy course of action. There was going to be a lot of unpleasantness. But for the moment he felt completely relaxed, completely happy, and that was enough.