Authors note: Wow that was a pretty long disclaimer wasn't it?? I hope I got everything in though; I don't want anybody to take this story the wrong way! If the idea of Xena and Ares in love, of them having any past relationship, or if Gabrielle and Xena being 'just friends' is not the type of story you want to read, please go someplace else.
Dedications: This story is Barb, Kat, Illy, G.O.M, Noie, Liz, SR, Tareena, Tali, Eris, GA, 'Reeny, Jade, Lasca, Mel, Everyone I missed, and for everyone at the shippers club for their support, and for liking my stories, even when I didn't!
Warnings: Sex: No, just kissing. Subtext: NO. Language: No. Violence: No.
Rated: PG-13
Summary: You know all those stories where real people are in them? This is one of those, meant to be a comedy and not to offend anyone in here!
"I'm goin' Insane, baby you drive me nuts." -Miranda and Sarah, from their bands song 'Insane' in the band 'Anonymous Caller'
Band disclaimer: That line along with all songs are sole property of the band they came from. You may not use them for any reason with out the express written consent of that band. Song Copy write 2000 by Anonymous Caller. ( 2000
Now for the story!!!!! *Everyone claps, glad to be rid of the disclaimers*
Warriors, Amazons, and Goddesses
By Delenn
Character list:
Anna: Amazon/God-ling that follows Del and Kat around and tries to kill Gabrielle too.
Jen *AKA* Ephiny4: Amazon Obsessed with Ephiny, loves Ephiny and wants to BE Ephiny.
Liz: Insane ex-goddess, seeking revenge on Del for taking away her goddess powers, and on Noie for some reason.
Kat: Insane Amazon/Goddess of to many things to count (do you really care?)
Illyandria: Messenger Amazon/Goddess, always trying to make peace between warring Amazons and Goddesses.
Nicola *AKA* G.O.M: Goddess of Mischief, no more need be said, she's nuts people!
Tali: Nut job, always thinks someone is eating more henbane then her!
Jade: Mentally Defective Amazon
Sara *AKA* GA: Amazon/Goddess (Obsessed with Xena)
Eris: Alien from Mars, disguised as an Amazon.
Lasca: Amazon, writing fiend
Yasmin *AKA* SR: Princess that no one knows her real name (does that say weird or what?)
'Reeny: Known as the GREEK Amazon. (Just a touch coo-coo)
Noie: Amazon princess. Trying to overthrow the queen (wish her luck or she might assonate you.)
Skkye: The only half reasonable one, don't ask her about her name.
Mel: A cute little Amazon
Barb: Known as the 'Old Fart', really a wise old sage
Kristy: Amazon who refers to herself as 'Psycho Me'
Del: Nutty Amazon/Goddess, sole purpose to find and Destroy Gabrielle with her friend Kat.
Evil Amazons: They call themselves Sub-texters, and are at war with Eris, G.O.M, and Reeny as well as all Amazons.
Xena: Warrior Princess, who has gone off the deep end, more then once.
Gabrielle: Annoying Bard and (Don't ask why) Amazon Queen.
Ephiny: Amazon Regent, only listens to the Queen and Sage. Keeps the goddesses under control along with Skkye.
Ares: Hunky God of War. (Hey it's my story I can say whatever I want... and you know he is!)
Alti: Brought back to life Evil Amazon queen.
Kat and Del were sitting by a lake discussing how to destroy Gabrielle. Del says, in an outrage, "You know, Kat, I hear we have some competition with killing Gaybrielle. The Amazon princess, Noie, I've heard she's trying to overthrow Gaybrielle!"
Kat says, bolting a fleeing subber as he passes. "NO way! Girl, you can't be serious! That will never do! No, NO, No! I MUST be the one to KILL Gaybrielle. I'll rip her...."
Del interrupts her friend "WE, We'll kill her. And as fun as that is, don't you think we should warn Noie that she shouldn't be messing in our stuff? Illy? Would you do me a favor?"
Illy appears, glaring at her friends, "Yea, Del, Kat, do tell me you're not trying to get me to kill those evil Amazons that Alti rules again, are you?"
Kat laughs, "Good old Illy, nope, we aren't. Would you be so kind as to tell Princess Noie that she should keep her assonating hands off Gaybrielle? She can rule AFTER we kill her, but me and Deleen get to do it!"
Illy shakes her head "You girls are nuts. I don't even know why I hang around with you! Ok, I'll be right back!"
G.O.M yells "You good for nothing *beep*'s you can flee, sub-texters, but you can't hide!!!!!!! Eris, you catch them at the cross roads." while she shoots fireballs at them.
Eris Disappears and reappears in front of the fleeing sub-texters as she starts to bathe them in eerie green light "We've got you now, you can't escape!!!!"
As the massacre begins the fleeing amazons/sub-texters have no-where to go. Suddenly the Goddess Skkye appears "STOP IT, BOTH of you! I swear you are acting like god-lings! And don't you even start with that look. You are going to go straight to Hades and apologize to him and those evil Amazons for killing them. Get, go on now!!"
Eris and G.O.M hang their heads and mumble "Yes, Skkye. Sorry, Skkye." and disappear to follow her instructions.
Barb is sitting there listening to Gabrielle blabber. She can't help it, she has to get her to shut up. She lets out a stinker. Gabrielle stops in mid sentence and promptly chokes on the smell. "EWWWW, What died?"
Barb chuckles "Sorry, dear, I had the beans last night. I'm old you know, I can't control these things."
Gabrielle sputters, "Whew, man, remind me not to try the beans. *cough* Yea, I better get going."
Barb is still chuckling even as she coughs and chokes over the smell, which is so horrific as to get Gabrielle to notice it over her own obnoxious smell.
Xena laughs "Stop it, I have to go meet Gabrielle."
Ares asks "And that matters?"
Xena thinks about it for all of two seconds, "No not really."
Ares smiles seductively "That's what I thought"
Xena smiles evilly and pulls Ares to her kissing him. When they break the kiss Ares moves down to kissing Xena's neck, then above her chest plate. Xena pushes him away, running her hands along his chest. "I think maybe we should stay here for awhile, don't you, Ares?"
Ares raises an eyebrow, and wrapping his arms around Xena's waist, says "Oh I DEFINITELY think so...."
Jade is muttering something about "Can't you hear them? They MAKE me say that stuff, the MAKE me write like that!!"
Lasca, the only person that puts up with Jade, is frantically writing, while muttering, "Must write.... Must Write! SHUT up Jade, I've heard it all before, you're screwing with my Muse!"
Jade mumbles "Ungrateful Beotch. I'm the only person that puts up with her for gods sake!"
Lasca says, slightly annoyed "I'm WRITING here! Honestly Jade.... Must write, must write!!!"
Jade says "I think some of the voices in my head, the ones that call themselves the 'Jin', have moved into Najara's head. Have you ever heard of anyone named Najara, Lasca?"
Lasca smiles happily "Oh what a story idea! I love you Jade you are the best! Now for the story how many voices do you hear?"
Jade sighs, angrily "The voice that calls himself the 'one god', Eli, says that there are over 1000 voices, but I think he slacked off and just stopped counting at 1000."
Lasca says, grinning "Great Jade, Great. Write, write, write!!!"
Jade mumbles "Eli, the 'one god', you good for nothing slacker!"
GA sits patiently waiting. Gabrielle had showed up today. That meant Xena was coming! GA can't wait for Xena to get here, so she sits at the entrance to Amazon Territory waiting for Xena. 'Reeny says, tiredly "Hey, GA, we've been waiting for hours, why don't you come with me to get something to eat?"
GA announces, "I'm waiting for Xena, Reeny! You can go if you want... Hey, why are you here anyway?"
Reeny sighs "I'm keeping an eye out for you. Skkye said I had too. I don't know why she didn't just send Illy, or Del, or Kat but no she said I had to keep you company."
GA's temper flares "I'M NOT A BABY! You don't have to baby-sit me! I will be just fine by myself.... LEAVE me ALONE!!!! I'm waiting for XENA!!"
Reeny backs off a bit "Whoa, don't get mad at me, I'm goin' already!!"
Tali, Mel, Liz and SR sit eating dinner, everyone is out eating fast food except for them. SR says "Wasn't Xena supposed so be here by now?"
Tali says, "Who cares! We have this whole feast to ourselves! Unless you've been scarfing my henbane??"
Liz ignores Tali's last comment, "Really, pig out people!!!"
Mel comments "That's not very nice, Liz, maybe we should save some for the others?"
Tali, Liz and SR stare, they haven't even noticed that Mel is there, she is usually such a small and quiet Amazon. SR looks at the feast spread out before them "Naww, you snooze, you loose!"
Both amazons, Liz and Something Royal start stuffing their faces.
Kristy, Jen, and Anna are sitting talking. Kristy says "I am Psycho me, you got a problem with that? 'Cuz Psycho Me will go Psycho on you!!"
Jen says "Ok, Psycho me, don't get worked up. I the great Ephiny command you!"
Anna smiles dreamily "Aren't Del and Kat the greatest? Someday I'm gonna kill Gabrielle for them and they will like me..."
Kristy asks "Psycho me wants to know why you care about what those two crackpots think?"
Anna sniffles "You leave them ALONE! They are the greatest goddesses and want to kill Gabrielle, if only I was worthy."
Kristy makes the 'loony' sign, and Jen agrees "She's lost it, Psycho me, she's really lost it. Those two are total nuts! I heard that Del thought Calli was cool, you know that OTHER psycho goddess...."
She is cut off by Anna and Kristy, Anna says, slightly offended "HEY, I have not 'lost it' I haven't!!"
Kristy says "Calli.... Oooh, she's my role model, the only thing Psycho me and Del agree on."
Jen continues "Now Ephiny... There's someone worthy of praise!"
Everyone rolls her eyes at everyone else.
The next morning all the Amazons are lined up to receive orders from Gabrielle. Along with a few princesses and Goddesses. Gabrielle is just starting in on a long speech when Ares and Xena appear, and start kissing. Gabrielle looks at her so-called 'BEST' friend sucking face with the God of War, and just sortta stands there in shocked silence. Ares and Xena break their kiss and Xena says "Bye, Ares, thanks for the 'ride'."
She runs her tongue along her upper lip erotically. Ares says "Bye, Xena." and disappears with a very sexy smile on his handsome face.
Kat, Del, Tali, Liz, Lasca, Nicola, Skkye, Reeny, Kristy, Mel, Eris, Anna, Jen, and Sara all promptly sigh and faint. Illy, SR, Noie, and Jade all get goofy grins on their faces, but do not faint. Gabrielle almost gags. Ephiny looks rather odd. Barb looks like she is having a heart attack. Xena strolls casually over to Gabrielle. "You wanted me to come here?"
Gabrielle regains some power of speech "What WERE YOU DOING!!!!!!???!!!"
Xena raises and eyebrow "You didn't answer me."
Gabrielle rolls her eyes "Xena, you were KISSING ARES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Several Amazons that are just starting to wake up faint again, along with Illy, SR, Noie, and Jade. Xena smiled "Yeah.... problem?"
Gabrielle almost faints herself "YES IT'S A PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ares is the GOD OF WAR!!!!!!!"
Now it's Xena's turn to roll her eyes "I know that Gabrielle. But I still don't see the problem, besides, it's not like it's anything new."
Gabrielle tries to understand "You've kissed him before! I don't believe this, Xena, you think you know someone...."
Xena chuckles "Gabrielle if you haven't figured out that I've kissed Ares before now, then you have bigger problems then how well you know me. Just ask Jade, she knows what you're going through!"
Suddenly seeming to see the fainted Amazons, Goddesses, and Princesses. Xena adds "Besides, it seems I'm not the only one with good taste. How are you today Eph?"
Ephiny opens her mouth, but nothing comes out. She tries to say something several more times with the same result as the first time. Gabrielle looks at Ephiny and orders "Oh whatever's bothering you, GET OVER IT! I am the QUEEN, you will OBEY me!!!!!" in a true babyish way.
Xena turns away from Gabrielle muttering, "How childish can you get Gabrielle!"
She is just in time to see Barb keel over, Xena absently checks Barb's pulse "Uh Gab, you got bigger problems then Ephiny's tongue" Gabrielle blushes "I do believe the old fart is dead!"
SR, who is just waking up from her dead faint lets out a stifled cry "Barbie!!" and faints again, along with Ephiny who would have cried but can't talk. Gabrielle looks at Ephiny and pouts "You were cheating on me, weren't you Ephiny, you Beotch."
Xena stifles a laugh, "With Barb? Umm.... Somehow I highly doubt that Gabrielle! SO do you want me to save her already?"
Gabrielle pouts, "No, make them suffer!!! Haha!! Hey, Xena.... What do you think you are doing you Beotch?"
Xena, who has just done the reversal of her 'pinch' on Barb, explains "I just saved her, duh, what do you think I am doing?? Wait a minute.... You just called me a Beotch!!"
Gabrielle blushes "Uhhhh, sorry, I should have said Ares' Beotch!"
Xena's eyes widened in shock, she recovers though "Oh and I suppose being Ephiny's you're one to talk?"
Gabrielle turns beat red with anger and embarrassment. Then turns to her Amazons "You, you, you, UNGRATEFUL, STUPID, HAVE-BAD-TASTE-IN-MEN, IDIOTS!!!!!!!! WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! @#$@!!!!!!!!"
Xena says, trying to ignore Gabrielle, "I'm going to see if there's anything to eat."
Del, Eris, G.O.M, GA, and Kat are down for the count, no I don't mean '1 2 3!' I mean out cold, these girls are not gonna wake up any time soon. Lucky for them Lasca and Jade wake up, and are surprisingly awake, along with SR and Reeny. The rest are just snoozing. 'Reeny says, "You may be my queen" She chokes as she says 'queen' "But there is no way you are gonna yell at me like that, or any of us! NOW LET ME GO BACK TO MY DREAMS ABOUT ARES!!!!!!"
With that said 'Reeny falls over and starts snoring, Jade and Lasca exchange knowing glances and Lasca walks over to Gabrielle.
Lasca: I have to write those fools stupid fainting down! OOOH, Here's paper!
Saying in Lasca's head.... Let's call it a 'Muse': Lasca, no, no, no! You can't write anything that stupid, next thing you will become a subtexter!
Gabrielle: No that's my scroll, my FAVORITE scroll! No you'll mess it up!!
Muse: Say 'you snooze you lose' Say it Lasca!!
Lasca: (to the Muse in her head) All right already! (to Gabrielle) You snooze you lose!
Gabrielle: Leave me alone you're mean!!
Muse: Oh keep at it Lasca, make her CRY, come on, this is GABRIELLE here!!
Lasca: Whiny Gabby, Cryie Gabby, Silly Gabby.
Muse: That was a stroke of Geniuses my dear!
Gabrielle: (Crying) You're mean!!!!
Lasca smiles and walks away muttering "Happy now, yes I know, must write, must write!!"
Jade walks up to Gabrielle: Gabrielle, I have a message to you from the one great god Eli. He says that you are to leave all those heathens sleep.
Eli in Jades head: Hey I did not say that, hear me Gabrielle, I did not say that!! Oh yeah and I heard you call me a slacker Jade!! And the Jin have been moving out!!
Jin in Jades head: Uh, we were, Uh, Uh, just visiting a friend.
Jade: (Thinking) Oh you liars, Jin, I know all about Najara!
Gabrielle: Jade, did Eli say that, really? Oh then I have to do what the one god says. Tell Eli that I love him as always one true great god that he is!
Eli in Jades head: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No Gabrielle, don't listen to Jade! Wait, why am I saying this to Jade? I'm taking a trip to Gabrielle's head, Jade, I'll be back in a week. That is if I can find a place, that head is PACKED man!
Jade: (Thinking) Eli, you mean there is STUFF in her head??
Eli in Jades head: Nope, just about 6 trillion voices. Bye Jade.
*Inside Gabrielle's head*
Voice #6000032: Gabrielle, stop talking to her, I know a voice from her head, she's nuts! By the way, #700213 and me also want beer!!
Fury: Hello in there? I said KILL everyone! Gabrielle? See girls I told you there were to many voices in here, I win the bet!!
Eli: Hello? Gabrielle, it's the one great god here, listen to me. DO NOT believe anything Jade says. Hey #900001112344587 wanna go on a date?
#900001112344587: Sure cutie! Let's go! I hear Najara's head is real nice this time of year!
Eli: Cool, uh Gabrielle, do whatever you want I couldn't care less!
Gabrielle: (Thinking) One great god my a$$. You hear me ELI, I NEVER believed in you! Not once!
#1: Gabby, hey girl, you hear me? I'm the 1st, yep, tell #3 that I am the first!
#2: #1 was the first, #3.
#84626847628468346283746283764: Hello, I just got here, I'm new.
#67: Man it sure is getting crowded in here!
#98: Beer? HELLO, I heard someone say they had beer!
*Exit Gabrielle's head*
Jade: Uh yeah, you be sure to listen to me saying what Eli says, and not Eli.
Gabrielle: Oh Eli just left, but I believe you Jade.
Jade: Good then, Xena is having a sleepover with a certain God of War, if you know what I mean.
Gabrielle: And I wasn't invited! HUMPH!
Jade: Nope, you don't know what I mean....
Gabrielle: Xena better explain!
Jade: (shaking her head) You ask her about that, ok? Just don't say I told you!
SR carefully looks at a steaming Gabrielle, and wakes up Skkye. Skkye, still groggy, says "Let me back to my dreams, SR, I've almost finished this cool story I made up called 'Dark Revelations"
The sleeping and knocked out people all cheer in their sleep "Yay, Skkye, YAY!!!! FINISH IT!!!"
SR says "We have to move them before Gabrielle kills them, I mean look at Kat and all them! They are so knocked out! You're a goddess, make them appear... IN THEIR OWN BEDS!"
Skkye says, waving her hand and yawning. "Alright, there, Happy? Now I am going to my OWN bed too, to finish Dark Revelations. Good Afternoon. Sleep well."
Skkye disappears yawning.
SR hears a crash and Xena stomps out of the dining hall and screams "WHO ate the FEAST!!!!!!!!!! I am farking famished, and someone ate the FEAST!!"
SR screams an Amazon warning "BLOODY MURDER coming your way! iz-Lay, ali-Tay, el-May!!!!! BLOODY MURDER COMING YOUR WAY!!!"
That said SR runs for her life to hide in the woods, soon followed by Liz, Mel, and Tali shooting out from their rooms and into the forest. Xena goes after them muttering "Ooh, I like to hunt!"
Xena returns several hours later with SR, Mel, Liz, and Tali by the arms. They are complaining "Owwwwwwwwwwww, we're sorry, we're sorry!! We'll cook you an even better feast, WE PROMISE!! Owwwwwwwwwwww!"
Suddenly a very sleepy and Beotchy Kat and Del appear. "Where is she! WHERE the Fark is she!!!"
Xena raises an eyebrow. "Del? Kat? What are you girls doing here? I thought you were still tagging along after Ares. Got PMS? Who are you looking for?"
Kat blushes "Uh yeah, we still are, and yes we do, Xena...."
Del sighs, admitting the truth, "We've been put on a restraining order."
Kat regains her normal coloring "Where's the Blond Beotch??!?"
Xena laughs "Oh yeah, I forgot, Ares told me that. Umm... It's in her hut I think...."
Tali begs "Hello here! Will you help us?"
Del sighs "Oh fine. Xena, Tali's my friend, can you let her go? She's a good cook. Thanks for the info!"
Del and Kat make energy balls appear and head in the direction of Gabrielle's hut muttering "Damn Beotch, not gonna get away with screaming at US! We're gonna finally kill the BEOTCH!!"
Xena releases her captives "Fine, but start cooking, you have to be cooks for the next week. I have to go anyway I'll eat there."
Tali, Liz, SR, and Mel run to the kitchens fast as their feet can carry them. Ares appears "Are you sick of this yet my queen?"
Xena nods "Yeah, to Tartarus with Gabrielle, and the way Kat and Del were looking I think that's where she'll be. Let's go.... I'm STARVING!"
Ares' eyes sparkled evilly "Oh really, Xena? We'll have to do SOMETHING about that."
Xena wraps her arms around Ares' neck and they disappear kissing. Del and Kat come running out of Gabrielle's hut screaming and cursing and gagging. "EEEEEEEEEEEW, SICK! How could.... EWWWW... Farking Beotch! She better be farking dead. Ephiny how the Fark could you? You Beotch!"
Ephiny walks out and shrugs "Yep she's dead."
Del and Kat now jump around for joy singing to the tune of the 'wizard of Oz' and 'Seven Dwarfs' "Hi ho the Beotch is dead, the Beotch is dead, the Beotch is dead. Hi ho the wicked Blond is dead."
Del sighs, "Back to reversing that restraining order."
Kat nods "Yep. Let's go!"
They both smile and disappear. Anna and Jen run out. Anna screams "Del, Kat, wait oh great goddesses!!"
Anna disappears after Kat and Del. Jen runs to Ephiny "You, the blond.... EWWWW, my IDOL! You are not fit to be Ephiny! From now on YOU shall be known as Ephiny4 and I shall be known as Ephiny!"
Skkye and Lasca run up with scrolls in their hands. Skkye screams "I FINISHED DR! I finished it after years of writing! I'll make a copy appear for everyone!"
Lasca says "I finished Of Innocence and Passion people. Come and get it! MUST WRITE MUST WRITE!"