Rabid Everything.
You see what too much sprite does to you? And that Sick Little Voice in the Back of my Head still won't leave me alone…
Sick Little Voice in the Back of My Head: Aww, why don't you just admit that you love me?
Kaosu: Bite Me!
Sick Little Voice in the Back of My Head: I love you too : )
Kaosu: * sighs *
Warnings: Umm…rabid animals eating people? Hilde bashing, possible Wufei bashing, I'll see along the way. And Shounen-ai Beautiful beautiful Shounen-ai ^_^. 1X2, 3X4, 5Xhimself (You'll see ^_^) and also, some animals doing very mean things to some parts of the male anatomy : )
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, But I do own the "Magnificent Mirror-O-Wufei", don't take my mirror!!! Bastards!!
******
It was a beautiful day on earth. The sun was shining, the grass was green with a hint of due, and the birds were swarming pedestrians, poking their eyes out. Wait…that last part wasn't wonderful at all! What the hell is going on here!?
"AHHHHHH!! GET IT OFF ME! IT'S EATING ME!" The woman screeched as she swatted at the bird that was attached to her head. She ran around in circles grabbing objects and whacking the bird on her head with it. She grabbed a huge brick, wound up, and went to smash the bird with it. The bird, being the clever little rabid devil that it is, flew out of the way and caused the woman to bash herself in the head.
"Duuuhhh…." She exclaimed intelligently and fainted dead on the spot.
Then a man ran by, a pack of rabid squirrels hot on his heals.
*****
Duo yawned and stretched, looking out the window at the beautiful morining. He looked next to him and smiled as he saw Heero sleeping like baby. He bent down, placed a kiss on Heero's cheek, and whisperd into his ear. "HEERO WAKE THE HELL UP!!" Okay, so he didn't whisper, but who's being picky?
"AHHHH!" Heero screamed, jumping up into the air and attaching himself to the ceiling light. Duo cackled and climbed out of bed, grabbing a broom and poking Heero. "Common down, Hee-Chan, breakfast should be ready soooooon!"
"Go to hell, Duo!"
"Aww, I know you love me, now come down before I eat all the food and leave none for you!"
Heero shook his head stubbornly and refused to come down. Duo huffed and put his hands on his hips, tapping his foot on the floor. "I'm waiting, don't make me use force."
Heero narrowed his eyes at Duo. "Try it."
Duo grinned evilly "It's your call." He stalked over to his dresser and pulled out an object, holding it up in the air for Heero to see. Heero's eyes widened with shock.
"You wouldn't…"
"Oh yes I would."
Heero and Duo had a staring contest for a couple of seconds, each trying to read the others true intentions. When all Heero saw in Duo's eyes was chaos, he let go of the light and fell into Duo's arms.
"There, see, that wasn't so bad ^_^."
"Hn." Heero replied lovingly as he climbed out of Duo's arms and put his robe on. Duo hugged him from behind and tied it for him. "Common, I don't want Trowa eating everything again."
****
"Ack! Help help help! Stove is on fire! STOVE IS ON FIRE!!!" Quatre screamed as he danced around the kitchen trying to find something to put the fire out with. Trowa calmly walked into the kitchen, grabbed the lid for the pot and covered the blazing pancakes with it. The fire stopped from lack of place to go and Trowa uncovered the pot, revealing the smoking flapjacks.
Quatre pounced Trowa and huggled the hell outta him "My Hero!" He exclaimed happily as he squeezed the life out of Trowa. Trowa let out a chocked laugh.
"No…*wheeze*…problem…"
Quatre realized that he was cutting off Trowa's oxygen supply and let go, truning red. "Sorry ^_^ Guess there's no breakfast this morning, boy will Duo ever be pissy…"
Duo slid down the banister and fell into the kitchen, sniffing the air. "I smell….I smell…" cough cough "Burnt pancakes??" Duo bounced over to the stove and looked inside the pan "Ieeee! Where's breakfast!!??" Duo questioned, starting to panic.
"Ummm…I burnt it?" Quatre answered sheepishly, he reached into hammer space and pulled out a helmet, putting it on and ducking for cover. Trowa did the same.
"No…breakfast…?" Duo stood over the stove, eyes glazed over. "no…breakfast…" He mumbled. Heero ran up to Duo and put a hand on his shoulder.
"Hey, no problem, I'll just take you out for breakfast." Heero reassured.
"There's no point in that, all the shops are closed because of rabid animal attacks." Wufei stated as he walked down the stairs, looking into his "Magnificent Mirror-O-Wufei", admiring himself. Heero glared with all his might at Wufei, and Duo cracked.
"NO BREAKFAST MEANS NO FOOD AND NO FOOD MAKES DUO A VERY UNHAPPY BOY!!!!" Duo screamed insanely "BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" He ran around in circles, cackling insanely and bashing himself over the head with the frying pan. "Must * whack * eat * whack * BREAKFAST!!!! * whack whack whack wack *
Quatre and Trowa hid under the counter, wincing when they heard Duo toss a whole shelf of pots over, and than jump ontop of the pile and start to chew on them. Wufei just snickered at Duo and went back to admiring himself. Heero took a deep breath and walked over to Duo. "Duo…calm down, I'll get you your breakfast."
Duo looked up at Heero with crazed eyes. "Breakfast…must have breakfast…" His eye twitches as he looks over at Heero.
"Oh please Maxwell, your not gonna die if you don't eat breakfast once in your pathetic little life." Wufei stated. Duo narrowed his eyes and launched himself at Wufei with an ear piercing screech. Wufei 'meeped' and tried to run, but Duo had pounced him and grabbed his mirror, breaking it over his head. Wufei's eyes rolled back as he was knocked unconscious. Duo cackled and started whacking the broken mirror on the ground. Heero gulped and tried again. "Duo…you can do that thing you've always wanted to do that I never let you do, if –" He stopped and looked at Duo "If you calm down."
Duo sat down and pondered his options. He shrugged and lost the crazed look in his eyes, throwing the mirror behind his back and pouncing Heero. "Now?"
"Uhh…sure…" Heero answered uncertainly. Duo grinned and dragged Heero down to the kitchen floor, and proceeded to rip all his clothes off. Quatre and Trowa, no longer hearing anything being broken, looked up from their hiding places. When they saw Heero and Duo on the floor they blushed and ducked back into their little place under the sink. Wufei woke up, rubbed his head and shrieked.
"MY MIRROR!!!" He screamed, and picked up his broken mirror, cuddling it. "My poor baby…" he sobbed, rocking back and forth. Quatre and Trowa sweatdropped.
*****
Duo bounced over to the door and swung it open "I'm going for a walk! Be back in a few minutes! Ja!" He called out as he slid out the door, shutting it behind him. As soon as he stepped outside, however, his jaw hit the floor at what he saw. Animals of all shapes and sizes were attacking people on the streets. A pack of squirrels were chasing after a couple. The man tripped and sent the woman flying into a tree, where a pack of brids attacked her and started pecking at her head. The man was covered in squirrels. One squirrel had attached itself to his face, biting and scratching it. The man screamed and clawed at the squirrel, trying to rip it off. Another squirrel tried to find some 'nuts' * cough cough * for the winter. It searched around and finally struck gold. It tugged at them as hard as it could, but it seemed to be stuck to the man's body. The man yelped and kicked the squirrel, sending it flying through the air. Duo blinked and rubbed his eyes, still not believing what he was seeing. He heard a little noise and looked down. A tiny chipmunk was staring up at him with big baby eyes.
"Aww, aren't you cute!" Duo cooed and bent down to get a closer look. This proved to be a very bad idea because as soon as Duo was close enough, the chipmunk screeched and launched itself at Duo, grabbing onto his shirt. Duo screamed and tried to get the chipmunk off, but it was holding on too hard. The chipmunk ripped a hole in Duo's shirt and climbed inside. Duo's eyes went wide and he tried to grab it, but the chipmunk was way too fast. Duo started to giggle insanely. He laughed and tried to grab the chipmunk, but it was too quick. He laughed even harder, and danced around in circles.
"G-get it out! Hahahaha! G-get it out!! It t-t-tickles! HAHA!" Duo was starting to shed tears he was laughing so hard. Than Duo stopped as his eyes went wide. His lip started to tremble.
"………….IIIIITTTTTTTAAAAIIIIIII!!!!!" He screamed and clutched his –err, yeah, you know what I mean. Heero heard his scream and opened the door. "Duo! Daijabou Ka?" He asked. He looked at Duo who was clutching himself, moaning and running around in circles. "Duo, what the hell is going on??" Heero asked, he grabbed Duo by his shoulders and shook him. Duo whimpered.
"Get it out! Waaa! It's trying to rip them off!"
"Nani?"
"IT'S TRYING TO RIP THEM OFF BAKA!"
"Rip what off?" Heero asked, growing frustraited.
"MY NUTS!!!" Heero paled as he saw a little chipmunk scurry out of Duo's pants, snickering. Duo sighed and collapsed. Heero grabbed Duo and ran inside the house, slamming the door shut behind him.
"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WAS THAT!?" Heero screamed, racing over to the window and peering outside. The city was in utter mayhem. All sorts of animals were attacking any humans they could find. Heero shut the curtains and flicked on the radio.
And the chaos has continued, all over the country, normal everyday animals have started to attack people walking along the streets. To shed more on the subject, here's a man wearing too much protection for his own good.
Thanks Tom!
Today seems like a doomsday for us all. Every animal you can see has seemed to turn rabid and attack people for no reason. Why, just a second ago I lost one of my camera-men to a pack of birds. And as you can see behind me, there seems to be a Cabbit gnawing at my back. It hurts like hell but I'm going to keep on going for the sake of the public. Oh dear god I'm losing a lot of blood. This really, really hurts. Back to, you Tom.
Errr…thanks. Well, that's all we have for now. Join us again at 8 for more coverage on the story. Heero flicked the radio off, shaking his head. "What the hell has this world come to?"
"How is this possible? How can animals just suddenly go rabid? It doesn't make any-" Quatre was cut off by the sound of the window shattering. All the gundam pilots jumped up out of their seats and ran towards the living room. They all stopped dead in their tracks when they saw a pack of rabid squirrels, fangs poking out of the foam which seems to be covering their mouths. They all gulped and backed up as a flock of pigeons joined their little army. They all hissed at the gundam pilots and slowly walked towards them. Wufei looked at them for a second and then stuck his nose up into the air. "Damn, they're ugly. I bet they wish they were as beautiful as me. I can't even look at them they are so ugly."
Everyone sweatdropped.
The animals looked very offended. One even started to cry.
"Oh , now see what you've done!" one of the squirrels scolded in a squeaky voice. "You should be ashamed!"
Everyone turned and glared at Wufei. Wufei just shrugged and flipped the squirrel off.
All the animals hissed and ran at the gundam pilots. They all screamed and ran as fast as they could from the rabid squirrels and pigeons. Quatre and Trowa ran upstairs, Heero and Duo ran into the laundry room and Wufei ran outside.
****
Quatre panted as he and Trowa took off upstairs. They ran into their room and slammed the door shut, piling up furniture in front of it. They fell back onto their bed and gasped for air.
"Y-you think they'll…be…able to get back in?" Quatre asked, trying to get all his breath back.
"Hope not…" Trowa answered, taking Quatre's hand into his own. Quatre smiled at him and leaned in for a smooch. Just when they were getting all romantic they heard a bang at the door. Quatre yelped and jumped behind Trowa. Then another bang, and another, and another. Soon some of the furniture started to fall off. Trowa jumped up and tried to pile it back up but the door was suddenly blown off its hinges. Trowa tried to jump back but was caught off guard and sent flying into the wall. Quatre gasped and ran after him. Trowa's eyes widened at what he saw in the doorway. There were at least 20 squirrels and cabbits standing in the doorway with crazed looks in their eyes and foam dripping from there mouths. Trowa grabbed Quatre and jumped onto the bed. The animals cackled and started to move in for the kill.
"We're going to die aren't we? We're gonna die by a bunch of rabid half assed animals!!" Quatre cried, clinging to Trowa.
"No, don't give up yet, Quatre!" Trowa cried and held on tighter. One of the squirrels cried out and launched itself at Trowa. Trowa ducked and the squirrel went flying out the window. Quatre and Trowa looked at each other, than looked back at the rabid animals with evil grins on their faces.
"Ready?"
"Go!" Both Quatre and Trowa leapt at the animals and grabbed them by the throats, sending them hurling out the window. If you were watching from outside, this is what you saw:
"Aaaahhhhhh-*SPLAT*
"Weeeeee -*SPLAT*
"BOOOYYAAHAHAHA-*SPLAT*
"YYEEEHHHHAAW-*SPLAT*
"Iiiiitttttaaaiiiii-*SPLAT*
"ARRRGGGG-*CRUNCH* (That one hit a nice pointy rock )
Quatre and Trowa looked around the now empty room. They dusted their hands off and nodded at a job well done.
***
Duo and Heero slammed the laundry room door shut and threw their bodies onto it, gasping for air.
"S-stupid rabid pigeons. I almost got my braid eaten off" He wined as he cuddled his prized mass of hair. Heero nodded and looked for something to barricade the door with. Before he could even look around properly, the door was knocked down, and a gang of rabid pigeons flooded the entrance. Duo yelped and jumped into Heero's arms. The pigeons grinned from…er…one side of the head to the other…(I'm pretty sure they don't have ears…) and attacked. Heero dropped Duo and started swatting at the pigeons. Duo yelped and hit the floor, landing on two of them. He heard a snapping sound and looked beneath him to see pigeon wings and legs sticking out from under him. He smiled sheepishly and went back to whacking the birds.
"Heero! We need a much better plan then this!" Duo shouted punching a bird that was aiming at his head.
"Well think of one because I'm kind of busy!" Heero screamed back while whacking pigeons with bleach bottles.
Suddenly Duo got an idea. He grabbed two pigeons by the neck, opened up the washing machine and stuck the pigeons in. He hit the 'Hot Wash' button and threw some Bounty soap in. He grabbed a few more pigeons and shoved them in there also, than he slammed the lid shut and hit the 'On' button. All you heard besides Heero whacking pigeons was the sound of something bumping against metal, and gurgling sounds. When the washing machine stopped, Duo pulled out the four pigeons and dropped them on the floor. They got up, wobbled around a bit, hiccupped twice causing little bubbles to come out of their beaks and than fainted. The other pigeons looked at Duo in horror. They freaked out and tried to run but Heero and Duo dove at them, grabbing them by their legs and necks and tossing them into the washing machine. Heero added bleach along with soap and shut the lid. After a few minutes they pulled them out. All the pigeons were soaked. They wobbled around hiccupping little soap bubbles everywhere. Than Duo grabbed a few of them and stuck them in the dryer. Heero grabbed the rest and shoved them in as well. After muffled crys and lots of banging sounds, they opened the dryer and little balls of puffed up feathers floated out. All you could see was a fluffy ball of feathers with two small eyes. Duo cackled and opened the window, causing the little pigeon fluffs of float out the window and into the air. Duo gave Heero a high five and they both strutted out of the laundry room.
****
Wufei stopped running and put his hands on his knees, panting. He whipped some sweat off his forehead and looked into his mirror. "Oh my! Just look at what sweat does to my features, I look like a peasant!" He licked his fingers and tried to put his hair back into order, but it just kept popping out of his pony tail again. "Rah! I've had it with these stupid animals. Look what they're doing to my lovely face, why I have worry wrinkles! No matter, I'm still the most beautiful person alive. Yes you are, yes you are!" He cooed into his mirror. He squinted and looked closer at it. "Hey, is there something wrong with my mirror or is there a huge sha…dow…" Wufei's eyes went wide as he slowly turned his head around.
"I'm the most beautiful, moron." The figure said as it knocked Wufei unconscious.
****
Quatre, Trowa, Heero and Duo all met up in the living room with smug looks on their faces. "So, how'd you guys do?" Duo asked, flopping down on the sofa.
"Oh, we got rid of all the pests. Nothing big, really, they never had a chance." Quatre half boasted as he too laid down on the sofa.
"Yeah, us too. It was damn funny! You should have seen what we did to them!" Duo laughed as he remembered the huge fluff-pigeons. Then he remembered something. "Hey, where's Wufei?"
Everyone blinked and pondered. "I thought he was with you guys." Trowa answered.
"Nope, after we all split up the only person I saw was Heero."
"Oh no…nothing bad happened to him, right?" Quatre questioned, worried for his vain friend. Suddenly there was a crazed laughter. Everyone looked up, and they saw a figure standing outside the window, and something big was in it's hands.
"Wufei!" Duo shouted, jumping up out of his seat.
"What did you do to him?" Heero questioned, wishing more than ever that he had his gun.
"Chill, I just knocked him out. Here, have him, I don't want him." The figure threw Wufei into the room. Quatre ran up to him and dragged him back over to the couch. "Oh, and tell him that I'm keeping his mirror, it's time for someone truly beautiful to use it."
The figure stepped out of the shadows and revealed itself to be -*dun dun dun DUN*….HILDE! Everyone gasps in surprise, than everything comes to a halt like the sound of a record being stopped.
Duo: Wow, wow ,wow, hold on just a second. Don't you usually make Relena the bad guy?
Kaosu: Yeah, so?
Heero: So what's with the Hilde bashing?
Kaosu: Um…change of pace?
Trowa: For a fic like this?
Kaosu: Oh common guys! You know I don't like Hilde, so why are you surprised that I'd make her the evil psycho?
Quatre: Because you usually bash Relena, and some people actually LIKE Hilde. Your gonna get flamed like hell.
Duo: * shutters * please don't remind me that people actually like her…she scares me ;_;
Kaosu: You think I care if I get flamed? Common man, just let me do my damn fic and leave the flamers to me. * cackles evilly *
Duo: * sighs * alright, you're the Fic writer.
Things to back to normal and everyone clears their throats.
Everyone gasps in shock when Hilde steps over the broken glass, rabid squirrels, pigeons, cabbits, chipmunks, robins, you name it, behind her. She laughs evilly once more.
"Bwahahaha! How do you guys like my little pets?"
"Stupid."
"Annoying."
"Painful…"
"Retarded beyond comparison."
"HEY!" Hilde cut in, tapping her foot on the floor. "Your suppose to be all shocked and tell me how evil I am, your not suppose to actually answer my question!"
Quatre blinked and scratched his head "Well than why did you ask it?"
Hilde opened her mouth to answer, but she couldn't really find a reason. "Ah hell, forget it. Your all gonna die now." She raised her hands to signal the animals to attack, when Duo cut in.
"WAIT! Aren't you going to brag about your evil scheme and tell us why you did it??"
Hilde pondered for a moment. "Oh yea, I forgot about that. Sorry, I've never really been IN, let alone be EVIL, in any of Kaosu Buraindo's fics.
"Are you nuts? Did you see what they did to the other animals?? They're all nuts! NUTS I tell yah! There's no way I'm getting near them." One squirrel complained.
"Yeah, and besides. They're soooo cute!" A pigeon squealed, blushing.
Hilde screamed and started to have a fit. She started punting any animal that was near her. The Gundam Pilots backed up and jumped behind the couch, ducking the flying animals that zoomed past them. The other animals growled and attacked Hilde, clawing and biting her. Soon all you could see was a giant pile of animals. When they all left, there was nothing left of Hilde.
Duo shrugged "Ah well, no one liked her anyways."
The End.
Wow, I'm gonna get flamed like hell for bashing Hilde AND Wufei that much in one fic. If you do flame me, I'll laugh at you, then ignore you. R&R!