Romeo & Juliet: A WK Parody
By:
Disclaimers: Weiß Kreuz do not belong to me so don't sue me. I'm poor. ^_^;;;
Notes: Self-insertion and Romeo and Juliet replay. **wince** Aya will still be refer to as Aya while Aya-chan will be refer to as Aya-chan. ^.^;; Ew…the background is PINK. ~_~;;;;
Black colored is the play.
All auditioners would be using their real names rather than the role their playing. Only the character's name will be mentioned once so we'll know which auditioner is auditioning for which part.
Bold italic words are stage directions.
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Enter Yoji, Yin, Christina, with five or six Maskers, Torch-bearers, and others.
Yoji: What, shall this speech be spoke for our excuse? Or shall we on without apology?
Christina: The date is out of such prolixity: We'll have no Cupid hoodwink'd with a scarf, Bearing a Tartar's painted bow of lath, Scaring the ladies like a crow-keeper; Nor no without-book prologue, faintly spoke After the prompter, for our entrance: But let them measure us by what they will; We'll measure them a measure, and be gone. \
Yoji: Give me a torch: I am not for this ambling; Being but heavy, I will bear the light.
"He's running for the Olympics!!" Cali exclaimed.
"Whatever you do, don't let the flame go out!!" Eve added.
Yin (role of Mercutio): Nay, gentle Yoji, we must have you dance.
"The man can't dance," Schurderich snickered while Yoji shot him a death glare.
Yoji: Not I, believe me: you have dancing shoes With nimble soles: I have a soul of lead So stakes me to the ground I cannot move.
"Told you he can't dance," Schurderich laughed again.
Yin: You are a lover; borrow Cupid's wings, And soar with them above a common bound.
"He's a PLAYAH!" Keiko called.
Yoji: I am too sore enpierced with his shaft To soar with his light feathers, and so bound, I cannot bound a pitch above dull woe: Under love's heavy burden do I sink.
"He just said he's too sore with his shaft…" Nagi blinked.
"He got laid!" Omi gasped.
"With Takatori Reiji?" Mill blinked. Everyone gagged. Yoji shot him a death glare. "I'm KIDDING! Gee, can't you take a joke??"
Yin: And, to sink in it, should you burden love; Too great oppression for a tender thing.
Yoji: Is love a tender thing? it is too rough, Too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn.
Yin: If love be rough with you, be rough with love; Prick love for pricking, and you beat love down.
Give me a case to put my visage in: A visor for a visor! what care I What curious eye doth quote deformities? Here are the beetle brows shall blush for me.
"Man…this is getting complicated by the minute," Cali sighed.
"You're just stupid, that's why," Eve said.
Yoji: Come, knock and enter; and no sooner in, But every man betake him to his legs.
"For a minute there…I thought he said between…" Schurderich blinked.
"You are such a pervert!!" Keiko smacked the redhead on the head.
"WHAT???"
"You're probably the one who haven't got laid in a while," Brad said.
Yoji: A torch for me: let wantons light of heart Tickle the senseless rushes with their heels, For I am proverb'd with a grandsire phrase; I'll be a candle-holder, and look on. The game was ne'er so fair, and I am done.
"He wants to be a candle-holder?" Omi asked.
"NO! Don't give up your flower job!!" Cali cried.
"He's already a sissy working at a flower shop," Farfarello said. "And now…a candle-holder?" Everyone turned to look at him again. "I hate God. I like pain. I like to cause God pain."
"Anyway…." Mill sweatdropped.
Yin: Tut, dun's the mouse, the constable's own word: If thou art dun, we'll draw thee from the mire
Of this sir-reverence love, wherein thou stick'st Up to the ears. Come, we burn daylight, ho!
"Mum's the word," Keiko said.
Yoji: Nay, that's not so.
Yin: I mean, sir, in delay We waste our lights in vain, like lamps by day. Take our good meaning, for our judgment sits Five times in that ere once in our five wits.
Yoji: And we mean well in going to this mask; But 'tis no wit to go.
Yin: Why, may one ask?
Yoji: I dream'd a dream to-night.
"Everyone has dreams at night," Nagi said.
"No shit, Sherlock," Cali said. She let out a yelp as something hit her in the back. "YOU BRAT!"
"I didn't hit you," Nagi said, innocently.
"Of COURSE you didn't!!"
Yin: And so did I.
Everyone in the crowd scream out "Me too!".
Yoji: Well, what was yours?
Yin: That dreamers often lie.
Yoji: In bed asleep, while they do dream things true.
"I bet you that he dreams about getting laid," Schurderich grinned.
"I take that bet!" Mill raised her hand. "I bet 20 bucks!!"
Yin: O, then, I see Queen Mab hath been with you. She is the fairies' midwife, and she comes In shape no bigger than an agate-stone On the fore-finger of an alderman, Drawn with a team of little atomies Athwart men's noses as they lie asleep; Her waggon-spokes made of long spinners' legs, The cover of the wings of grasshoppers, The traces of the smallest spider's web, The collars of the moonshine's watery beams, Her whip of cricket's bone, the lash of film, Her waggoner a small grey-coated gnat, Not so big as a round little worm Prick'd from the lazy finger of a maid; Her chariot is an empty hazel-nut Made by the joiner squirrel or old grub, Time out o' mind the fairies' coachmakers.
And in this state she gallops night by night Through lovers' brains, and then they dream of love; O'er courtiers' knees, that dream on court'sies straight, O'er lawyers' fingers, who straight dream on fees,
O'er ladies ' lips, who straight on kisses dream, Which oft the angry Mab with blisters plagues, Because their breaths with sweetmeats tainted are: Sometime she gallops o'er a courtier's nose, And then dreams he of smelling out a suit; And sometime comes she with a tithe-pig's tail Tickling a parson's nose as a' lies asleep, Then dreams, he of another benefice: Sometime she driveth o'er a soldier's neck, And then dreams he of cutting foreign throats, Of breaches, ambuscadoes, Spanish blades, Of healths five-fathom deep; and then anon Drums in his ear, at which he starts and wakes,
And being thus frighted, swears a prayer or two And sleeps again. This is that very Mab That plats the manes of horses in the night, And bakes the elflocks in foul sluttish hairs, Which once untangled much misfortune bodes: This is the hag, when maids lie on their backs, That presses them and learns them first to bear, Making them women of good carriage: This is she--
Everyone in the room automatically screamed out "STOP TALKING SO MUCH!!"
Yoji: Peace, peace, Yin, peace! Thou talk'st of nothing.
"Yeah, PEACE!" Cali held out a peace sign.
Yin: True, I talk of dreams, Which are the children of an idle brain, Begot of nothing but vain fantasy,
Which is as thin of substance as the air And more inconstant than the wind, who wooes Even now the frozen bosom of the north, And, being anger'd, puffs away from thence, Turning his face to the dew-dropping south.
Christina: This wind, you talk of, blows us from ourselves; Supper is done, and we shall come too late.
"FOOD!" Cali cried.
"Her stomach does the thinking," Eve said. "No wonder she's so stupid."
Yoji: I fear, too early: for my mind misgives Some consequence yet hanging in the stars Shall bitterly begin his fearful date With this night's revels and expire the term Of a despised life closed in my breast By some vile forfeit of untimely death. But He, that hath the steerage of my course, Direct my sail! On, lusty gentlemen.
Christina: Strike, drum.
Everyone began imitating a drum, which received one more "SHUT UP!!" from Ms. White. The group settled down again.
[Exeunt.]
Musicians waiting. Enter Servingmen, with napkins.
First Servant: Where's Potpan, that he helps not to take away? He shift a trencher? he scrape a trencher!
Second Servant: When good manners shall lie all in one or two men's hands and they unwashed too, 'tis a foul thing.
First Servant: Away with the joint-stools, remove the court-cupboard, look to the plate. Good thou, save me a piece of marchpane; and, as thou lovest me, let the porter let in Susan Grindstone and Nell.
Antony, and Potpan!
A cry for Peter Pan was heard. Everyone looked around each other to see who had said that.
"Maybe it was Tinkerbell?" Cali asked. Nagi hit her in the back with his powers again. Cali jumped and whirled around in anger. "YOU STUPID BITCH!"
"SHUT UP!" Ms. White screamed again. Cali winced and sat back down.
Second Servant: Ay, boy, ready. First Servant: You are looked for and called for, asked for and sought for, in the great chamber.
"Oohh…someone wanna fuck you up bad!" Schurderich made a cat call.
"Stop being such a pervert!" Keiko smacked him again.
"I ain't gotta take this shit with you people!!"
Second Servant: We cannot be here and there too. Cheerly, boys; be brisk awhile, and the longer liver take all.
Enter Boris, with Aya and others of his house, meeting the Guests and Maskers.
Boris: Welcome, gentlemen! ladies that have their toes Unplagued with corns will have a bout with you. Ah ha, my mistresses! which of you all Will now deny to dance? she that makes dainty, She, I'll swear, hath corns; am I come near ye now? Welcome, gentlemen! I have seen the day That I have worn a visor and could tell A whispering tale in a fair lady's ear, Such as would please: 'tis gone, 'tis gone, 'tis gone: You are welcome, gentlemen! Come, musicians, play. A hall, a hall! give room! and foot it, girls.
"Ladies that have their toes unplagued with corns???" Cali exclaimed while a couple of curses can be heard being shouted from the audience.
[Music plays, and they dance.]
More light, you knaves; and turn the tables up, And quench the fire, the room is grown too hot. Ah, sirrah, this unlook'd-for sport comes well. Nay, sit, nay, sit, good cousin Capulet; For you and I are past our dancing days: How long is't now since last yourself and I Were in a mask?
Second Capulet: By'r lady, thirty years.
Boris: What, man! 'tis not so much, 'tis not so much: 'Tis since the nuptial of Lucentio, Come pentecost as quickly as it will, Some five and twenty years; and then we mask'd.
Second Capulet: 'Tis more, 'tis more, his son is elder, sir; His son is thirty.
Boris: Will you tell me that? His son was but a ward two years ago.
Yoji: To a Servingman What lady is that, which doth enrich the hand Of yonder knight?
"Aya's gonna kill him…" Mill snickered.
"Kill?" Farfarello's head shot up. "Killing results in pain. Pain is good. I like pain." He then licked his knives again. Everyone sweatdropped.
Servant: I know not, sir.
Yoji: O, she doth teach the torches to burn bright! It seems she hangs upon the cheek of night
Like a rich jewel in an Ethiope's ear; Beauty too rich for use, for earth too dear! So shows a snowy dove trooping with crows, As yonder lady o'er her fellows shows. The measure done, I'll watch her place of stand, And, touching hers, make blessed my rude hand. Did my heart love till now? forswear it, sight! For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night.
"He wanna screw her," Schurderich said.
"Can you like NOT talk about sex for ONE second????" Keiko exclaimed.
Kevin: This, by his voice, should be a Montague. Fetch me my rapier, boy. What dares the slave
Come hither, cover'd with an antic face, To fleer and scorn at our solemnity? Now, by the stock and honour of my kin, To strike him dead I hold it not a sin.
Everyone began chanting "fight".
Boris: Why, how now, kinsman! wherefore storm you so?
Kevin: Uncle, this is a Montague, our foe, A villain that is hither come in spite, To scorn at our solemnity this night.
Boris: Young Yoji is it?
Kevin: 'Tis he, that villain Yoji.
"Wow, they got good eyes," Omi said, sarcastically.
Boris: Content thee, gentle coz, let him alone; He bears him like a portly gentleman; And, to say truth, Verona brags of him To be a virtuous and well-govern'd youth: I would not for the wealth of all the town Here in my house do him disparagement: Therefore be patient, take no note of him: It is my will, the which if thou respect, Show a fair presence and put off these frowns, An ill-beseeming semblance for a feast.
Everyone began laughing once the actor said "virtuous and well govern". Ms. White turned and gave everyone the Evil Eye.
Kevin: It fits, when such a villain is a guest: I'll not endure him.
Boris: He shall be endured: What, goodman, boy! I say, he shall: go to; Am I the master here, or you? go to. You'll not endure him! God shall mend my soul! You'll make a mutiny among my guests!
You will set cock-a-hoop! you'll be the man!
"You're the man!"
"Who's the man??"
"I'm the man!"
"No, you're the man!"
"I'm the man man!"
Kevin: Why, uncle, 'tis a shame.
Boris: Go to, go to; You are a saucy boy: is't so, indeed? This trick may chance to scathe you, I know what: You must contrary me! marry, 'tis time. Well said, my hearts! You are a princox; go: Be quiet, or--More light, more light! For shame! I'll make you quiet. What, cheerly, my hearts!
Kevin: Patience perforce with wilful choler meeting Makes my flesh tremble in their different greeting.
I will withdraw: but this intrusion shall Now seeming sweet convert to bitter gall.
[Exit.]
Yoji: To Aya If I profane with my unworthiest hand This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this: My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.
Aya: Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much, Which mannerly devotion shows in this;
For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch, And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.
"What the f**k???"
"I got a very pretty palm! Wanna see????"
punch.
"OW! STOP THAT YOU LITTLE SKIMP BITCH!" A loud laugh.
Yoji: Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?
Aya: Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.
Yoji: O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do; They pray, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.
"Not only do they pray, they also grab," Schurderich smirked.
"AAAHH!! SOMEONE GET HIS HORNY ASS AWAY FRO ME!!!"
Aya: Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake.
Yoji: Then move not while my prayer's effect I take. Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged.
Aya: Then have my lips the sin that they have took.
Yoji: Sin from my lips? O trespass sweetly urged! Give me my sin again.
All non-yaoi supporters shut their eyes. All yaoi supporters made cat calls.
Aya: You kiss by the book.
"Does that mean he doesn't know how to kiss?" Omi asked.
"HIM? YOJI?" Eve said. "Not know how to kiss??? HA! That'll be the day!"
Cali: Madam, your mother craves a word with you.
"She just called him 'madam'!!" Yin said. "She is s~o dead!!!"
Yoji: What is her mother?
"It's WHO not WHAT," Eve sighed. "The boy IS uneducated!"
Cali: Marry, bachelor, Her mother is the lady of the house, And a good lady, and a wise and virtuous:
I nursed her daughter, that you talk'd withal; I tell you, he that can lay hold of her Shall have the chinks.
Yoji: Is she a Capulet? O dear account! my life is my foe's debt.
"Elope!"
"Run away!"
"DIE!" Everyone turned their heads toward the Irish man.
"Why did you invite HIM anyway?" Keiko asked. "This man does not fit any roles in Romeo & Juliet AT ALL."
"Is he even gonna get a part?" Yin asked.
"Oh yes, oh yes," Mill grinned, evilly. "Just wait and see." Then she gave an evil cackle.
Christina: Away, begone; the sport is at the best.
Yoji: Ay, so I fear; the more is my unrest.
Boris: Nay, gentlemen, prepare not to be gone; We have a trifling foolish banquet towards. Is it e'en so? why, then, I thank you all; I thank you, honest gentlemen; good night. More torches here! Come on then, let's to bed. Ah, sirrah, by my fay, it waxes late: I'll to my rest.
"Let's go to the bed and 'mess around'." Schurderich smirked again.
"Shut the hell up, you idiot," Brad rolled his eyes.
[Exeunt all but Aya and Cali.]
Aya: Come hither, Cali. What is yond gentleman?
Cali:: The son and heir of old Tiberio.
Aya: What's he that now is going out of door?
Cali: Marry, that, I think, be young Petrucio.
Aya: What's he that follows there, that would not dance?
Cali: I know not.
Aya: Go ask his name: if he be married, My grave is like to be my wedding bed.
"My….isn't he being too forward?"
"He does not suit the role of Juliet at all!"
"Oh, shut the hell up."
"I thought you were gonna pair him up with Ken!"
"WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?"
"I like YojixAya now. ^_~"
"FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME TODAY, SHUT THE HELL UP!!!" The noise ceased.
Cali: His name is Yoji, and a Montague; The only son of your great enemy.
Aya: My only love sprung from my only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late! Prodigious birth of love it is to me, That I must love a loathed enemy.
Cali: What's this? what's this?
Aya: A rhyme I learn'd even now Of one I danced withal.
"My…he's very poetic."
"Naw, he copied that from a book! Weren't you listening???"
"So he's NOT poetic?"
"Oh yes, he is."
"I'm getting confused." Pause. "Oh hell, just shut up!"
[One calls within 'Juliet.']
Cali: Anon, anon! Come, let's away; the strangers all are gone.
[Exeunt.]